I made a list...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Recent days have been a little worse, as I have been reminiscing over my past BPD r/s. I have never told anyone in my life how bad things were for me and I hate the feeling of silently suffering. Since I never told anyone, I made a list of unacceptable crap I put up with and I want to share it with all of you. These are the things that came to mind today.

List of Unacceptable Stuff:

-Staying out until 4AM with no call

-Cheating on me, more times than you will admit to

-Visiting your ex when you said you were going to see your dying grandfather

-Falsely telling people that I was crazy and controlling

-Manipulating our therapists

-Pressuring me to get engaged so early and so frequently

-Always talking about yourself/ never caring to hear about anyone else

-Hooking up with your ex at our apartment

-Convincing me I was the abuser

-Accusing me of cheating constantly

-Lying to me over and over

-Convincing me I was losing my mind when I knew you were lying about something

-Stealing my watch without returning your jewelry

-Telling me that I needed to be on medication

-Getting me kicked out of our first house

-Getting me arrested

-Participating in Kink while I was out of town

-Hooking up with your boss

-Pretending to not be on your period

-Taking shifts at work then going out to the bars when we had plans

-Using suicide attempts to control me

-Blaming me for your lack of self worth

-Ruining my relationships with friends

-Spending sprees while we were struggling to pay rent

-Yanking my dog off the stairs

-Physically attacking me

-Being abusive towards your own family

-Frequently going to the ER for minor illnesses

-Screaming at me for not helping fast enough when you spilled things

-Flirting with other guys at the bars while I was with you

-Getting trashed and verbally abusing me

-Pretending to see and talk to ghosts

-Treating me like I was not helping out while asking me to not work as much

-Moving in with me instead of getting your own place

-Creating tension with all roomates

-Getting fired for drinking at work

-Lying about having a degree

-Throwing a fit at our camping trip for not getting enough attention

-Lying about childhood experiences to establish guilt

-Projecting your issues onto me, like being BPD

-Giving yourself a black eye after breaking up and blaming it on me

[drxap]

Recent days have been a little worse, as I have been reminiscing over my past BPD r/s. I have never told anyone in my life how bad things were for me and I hate the feeling of silently suffering. Since I never told anyone, I made a list of unacceptable crap I put up with and I want to share it with all of you. These are the things that came to mind today.

List of Unacceptable Stuff:

-Staying out until 4AM with no call

-Cheating on me, more times than you will admit to

-Visiting your ex when you said you were going to see your dying grandfather

-Falsely telling people that I was crazy and controlling

-Manipulating our therapists

-Pressuring me to get engaged so early and so frequently

-Always talking about yourself/ never caring to hear about anyone else

-Hooking up with your ex at our apartment

-Convincing me I was the abuser

-Accusing me of cheating constantly

-Lying to me over and over

-Convincing me I was losing my mind when I knew you were lying about something

-Stealing my watch without returning your jewelry

-Telling me that I needed to be on medication

-Getting me kicked out of our first house

-Getting me arrested

-Participating in Kink while I was out of town

-Hooking up with your boss

-Pretending to not be on your period

-Taking shifts at work then going out to the bars when we had plans

-Using suicide attempts to control me

-Blaming me for your lack of self worth

-Ruining my relationships with friends

-Spending sprees while we were struggling to pay rent

-Yanking my dog off the stairs

-Physically attacking me

-Being abusive towards your own family

-Frequently going to the ER for minor illnesses

-Screaming at me for not helping fast enough when you spilled things

-Flirting with other guys at the bars while I was with you

-Getting trashed and verbally abusing me

-Pretending to see and talk to ghosts

-Treating me like I was not helping out while asking me to not work as much

-Moving in with me instead of getting your own place

-Creating tension with all roomates

-Getting fired for drinking at work

-Lying about having a degree

-Throwing a fit at our camping trip for not getting enough attention

-Lying about childhood experiences to establish guilt

-Projecting your issues onto me, like being BPD

-Giving yourself a black eye after breaking up and blaming it on me

[living in the past]

 wow drxap, i"m guessing there are more , you are not alone here, i didn"t read all your post so i don"t know if you are still in r/s, but my thought is at least for my friend she is not capable of a normal r/s, like they say its like going to the hardware store to buy milk, best of luck to you.

[Waifed]

My exes list would include at least 3/4 of those items.  If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.  It is just amazing that people like this exist in the world and are among us.  I think that the most difficult thing about this is that they don't care about anyone but themselves and they have no remorse.  At the end of the day, it is all about them.  All of the BS about them not being able to help it is nonsense.  Wrong is wrong and if they chose to behave like they do then let them suffer the consequences.  Heal and be free drxap.

[Popcorn71]

Yeah that's quite a list.  All unacceptable behaviour!

The list for my exBPDh would be pages long but here are some:-

Being physically and verbally abusive to my son for 7 years of our 9 year relationship.

Made negative comments about my body, knowing it made me unhappy

Grabbing my breasts whenever he felt like it, knowing that I did not like this

Spending most of his free time with 'friends' rather than with me

Regularly coming home late with no real explanation of where he had been

Maintaining 'friendships' with several women, including texting late at night, when I told him I wasn't happy about it

Often told me that women were interested in him (when I now think they really weren't), to make me insecure

Purposely buying me chocolate and taking me out for meals, when he knew I was trying to lose weight (sabotaged my efforts every time)

Persuaded me to give up work, making me financially dependent on him

The list could go on and on but you get the idea!

When you look at the list, doesn't it make you wonder why we stayed so long?

[drxap]

Things just seem so obvious now and they really should have been obvious before. I always thought this kind of stuff couldn't happen to me, because I had very strong logical reasoning skills. I could not be conned. But I was wrong.

[nownotsure]

Kind of scary to think I could compile an equally lengthily list of bad behaviors for my uexBPDgf, but my own favorite (red flag) during the first month of dating my ex would be:

Asking me to drive her to pick her car up after a major $$$ repair, and when we get there she realizes she left her purse at home and has no way to pay for it and it's a Friday and the garage closes in 20 minutes. The fool I was pays the bill, all the time unaware she had her drivers licence and spare credit card tucked away in the glove box of her car where it always is.

I can laugh because as far as I know it was only money I lost, but your list makes me realize other's have been less fortunate in their dealings with loved ones with this disorder. You have my sympathy!

[Vatz]

-Cheating

-Physical Abuse (didn't hurt physically... . but it hurt inside and put me in a really bad position of having to restrain her.)

-Verbal Abuse

-Hot/Cold behavior that leaves me confused and at odds with myself.

Just general stuff. Not much fun. As for all the things you listed drx, it sounds pretty horrid and I'm sorry you had to go through it.

[Surnia]

Hi drxap

This is really though what you had to go through!

I think it is good to write all this down, and I agree about the unhealthy silence.

It remember me my past: It was a very important moment when I started to tell my close friends that my marriage was so stressful and sometimes frightening.

Are you still working with a therapist?

[drxap]

Surnia,

No therapist right now, but I will probably get one as soon as I start a job. The whole BPD breakup had a pretty big impact on my job search initially.

How did you tell your friends and family?

[Surnia]

Surnia,

No therapist right now, but I will probably get one as soon as I start a job.

I think this would be good! 

About telling friends:

It just happened, one day I started to tell one of my friends, not about BPD/NPD, just how difficult my marriage is and how scary some things are for me, not just the normal rs fights ... . and after that it was like: Wow, what a difference for me. It was like: Yes, its me, with all the mess in my rs and a huge relief in the same time. After that it was easier for me generally to speak about it. I never mentioned PDs, I described some of his behaviors and my emotions.

I guess what was important for me that prior, I started to realize: I may have my issues but it was not just my fault and some of the things I went through was beyond boundaries. 

[Clearmind]

Drx that is some list. I did the same.

Any ideas why despite the extensive list you stayed with this person? Lulu clearly were not treated well.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi drxap

Wow, thanks for posting your list

I'm gonna post mine to remind myself of all the crap he did whilst I continue to mope around missing the good stuff more along with the loss of your dreams and hope that you could finally get it right.

Enmeshing himself in my life without my OK

Failing to keep seeking employment for 4 years and only applying when he is single again for 4 months, (after dumping and ignoring me)

Blaming me for everything wrong with his life, and if not me everyone else around us

Playing jealousy games to hurt me

Staying out all night and telling me to call him, but never answering his phone when I did

Always being broke every week and running out of money, (taking me and his parents for granted with his entitlement issues)

Spending money on stupid stuff that he didn't need and then punishing me for it afterwards, (ie, I'm starving and homeless)

Lying to me

Ruining every Christmas, and Valentines Day for 4 years

Never putting his status on Facebook or Hotmail as 'In a relationship', (used the excuse that he hated Facebook but when he wasn't around me, he was on there all the time)

Stalking and threatening any male friends I had on Facebook when I met him, (followed one home convinced we were having an affair)

Calling me horrible names because I had male friends when I met him

Drinking in secret, (and smoking pot) and then running me down if I admitted to having a few quiet drinks now and then.

Trying to kill me several times, (once premeditated)

Smashing my property, and threatening my life

Lying to me so I would lose a new friend I had made (I met this new friend after BP had dumped me and gave me the silent treatment for 4 months)

Then since he is back in my life, expects me to dump that friend as soon as BP is back in my life so lies to make that happen

Stealing my son in laws mail from the letterbox

Trying to sneak into my home when I didn't know he was here and was at work, (left doors unlocked hoping I wouldn't notice)

Damaging my property on several occasions, and having no remorse, only justifications and excuses

Harrassing and humiliating me at my place of work hundreds of times

Lying to people he knew about things he had done, making himself the victim

Getting upset about every little thing, and turning it round to be all about him

Being nasty, critical and demeaning to me in public, and ordering me around like an idiot or a child

Saying horrible things about my body, or looks

Threats to find another woman, (if he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted it)

Having double standards to his own jokes and humour or activities or behaviour

Buying a car without telling me, not able to afford it, and then sponging off me way more, whilst still treating me like crap

Threatening his Fathers life several times, and pushing his Father over

The way he talks about everyone in his life, disgusting, demoralising, aggressive and verbally abusive most of the time

Confusing me constantly through not making up his mind about what he wanted

Blaming me for our lack of fun and ability to have holidays or travel

Blaming the fact that I am a Mother, and have responsibilities, (we are both in mid 40's), yet my children are 23 and 20!

Still accusing me of having affairs or a secret life, yet he leaves his phone in his car almost permanently and I never see it. Strangely he wants to make extra money by selling stuff, but never had his phone to answer it, odd.

Stalking through all my personal stuff whilst I am working, but keeping his own stuff private and out of bounds

Threats of violence

Always ill, or complaining about being ill, yet never once went to a doctor for a check up

Admitting he was mentally ill when I met him as a friend, during the relationship, and then denying he had said it.

Expecting me to be his 24 hour therapist for everything

Expecting me to consistently support him financially, but nothing he did was consistent.

Stealing and justifying it on a permanent basis

Flirting and likely cheating as well given his disappearing acts overnight and phone behaviour

Making his contributions exaggerated when in reality they were nothing compared to what I had given him

Worst of all?

Interspersing all this crazy making crap with being wonderful, kind and loving to the point that you would forget everything again and build that foolish hope

How sick and addicted I was/am

I gave him the ultimatum again that he needs to seek help and that he can no longer crash at my house or be in a relationship with me until he does.

That was a week ago, and apart from the hang up calls, he has been back on dating sites again.

So there I have my answer I guess.

Thanks for letting me share

[ogopogodude]

I kinda have summed it all down to just one thing:

BPD's simply take the 'fun' out of life.

You can take your whole list of crap and condense it down to the above statement.

[seeking balance]

Things just seem so obvious now and they really should have been obvious before. I always thought this kind of stuff couldn't happen to me, because I had very strong logical reasoning skills. I could not be conned. But I was wrong.

When I made my list, I was shocked and embarrassed and people that know me honestly could not believe that the "logical, rational" person that I portray would end up in that situation... . I understand completely the total shock when you see what you become in all this.

Emotions are why we stayed - not logic - and I don't mean love.  Digging into our own emotional makeup is the way to break through and not repeat a pattern again.

Hang in there,

SB

[Fool for Love]

Well , my BPDexgf was never physically abusive but she was mentally abusive ... She would say mean things like cuss me but the quilt trips where very intense ...

Lies about everything

Lied about people to make her the victim

Cheated once that I knew but I think more

Accused me of "looking " for other women

Accused me of secretly meeting my ex wife

Mad when I went to friends "said she was scared I would fin someone else "

Helped her financially with never appreciating it

Always had some "guy friends" but threw a fit if it was turned around

Always a crises

I didn't do enough and If I did it still wasn't

I always felt like I had to prove my love

Man the list could go on ...

It's funny that a lot of things we would argue about was stuff she would tell me

That she was worried that I would do ... As it turns out she was the one doing the things that she worried I would ... Just amazing ...

[Fool for Love]

I meant to say she wouldn't say mean things or cuss me but the guilt trips where bad

[rollercoaster24]

Oh, I forgot to add

Tried to alienate me from everyone I was close to in my life, (family, my own children, and friends)

Succeeded in making my life so difficult, that I gave up my friends just to avoid accusations, and all I had was my job, home, him, and almost lost my family too, (daughter and son in law want to move out)

And still, the accusations and now what?

Tried to make me lose my job many times

Threatened to ruin me in the community

Told lies to the Police about me and my family, to cover up what he had done himself and why he was at the station in the first place, (tried to assault my family, and copped a punch himself)

Constantly sat around devaluing everything that was being done for him, and denying he had any help from anyone

Left a whole pile of his crap for me to clean up and dispose of, whilst complaining that nobody gave him any storage and he had to throw his stuff out.

At his parents? A whole shed full of his stuff, including a motorbike which he is now trying to sell I hear.

The only thing BP had to put in storage? His project car that he brought on me (without asking me first)

At my place, a whole heap of car parts, an old bike he never fixed, plus a heavy scrubbing machine he found and never finished, which I told him I didn't want or need in the first place, (when he tried to say he got it for me)

At my office space? (place of business) - A large 2 door commercial fridge, that needs repairing but is repairable. BP lied to me to get use of storage space and then once it was in there, said he didn't actually know if his brothers friend wanted it, (truth was he knew the guy didn't want it at all)

I kept reminding him that shortly I was losing that space to a future new tenant, so he would have to dispose of the fridge elsewhere, (he ignored me)

Threatening to destroy my name in business by phoning the company that hires me as a contractor

Putting me down for watching movies and having a large TV or listening to loud music, (whilst he does all the time)

Complaining he is starving whilst you repeatedly offer and pay for his food and keep

Thinks nothing of having 3 showers per day, and then complaining that he is dirty all the time and doesn't have clean clothes

Not once, by the way, has he done his own washing since he has come back into my life, I've done it for him, along with cooking and cleaning and the rest

Made hurtful and inappropriate comments about other women in front of me, or about himself and other women

yet, would start WW3 if I acted like him

Complained about his chain smoking habit and lack of exercise, yet if you asked him to join you for a walk he was 'too tired', or 'starving permanently with no energy.

Amazingly he always had plenty of energy for the things he wanted to do, like swimming on his own, or working on cars, or going for runs whilst not with me

Telling me it was all about money to me, whilst he lived off me for 4 years permanently

Lying to Unemployment Agencies about why he wasn't able to look for work or was homeless

Kept me awake at nights, and then complained about always being tired

Hated me going to therapy and caused trouble when I did

Complained constantly about my job, yet never sought employment himself to jointly assist in changing our lives

Sorry, the list goes on

[LA4610]

WOW! i don't even know what to say... . i agree with Turkish... . it is amazing ppl like this even exist. i had no clue until i meet my ex.

god bless you my friend. we all know you have been through hell.

[blissful_camper]

Badmouthing former partners

Punitive toward others

Slandered people he didn't like

Envious of others

Gossiping

Judging others harshly

Push/Pull

Moody

Pathological liar

Verbally-emotionally abusive

Shut downs

Silent treatment

Sarcasm

Devaluing

Evasive

Inability to communicate peacefully during conflict

Made excuses

Played victim

Takes others for granted

Hides his abusive behavior (behind closed doors)

Self centered

Withholding

Didn't compliment me but was quick to criticize me

Jealous of my friends

Tried to isolate me from family and friends

Abusive toward my dog

I could never do enough to please him

Jealous of my career

Bragged to others about me but never expressed that he was proud of me

When out of town, he wouldn't contact me to check in

Avoided physical and emotional intimacy

He was opaque

Emotionally immature

Triangulation

Criticized the food I made

Raged

Used veiled threats when raging

Dangled carrots

Overstepped my boundaries

No follow through on agreements

Impulsive

Mocked me for caring about him

Mocked me when I cried

Insenstive to the feelings of others

Inability to take responsibility for his behavior

Mean spirited

Disrespectful to women

Played head games

Manipulative

Criticized me for being intelligent

Lied about being in therapy for nearly 6 months

It was like dealing with an out-of-control teen trapped in a 50-something body.  9 months out.  Thanks for starting this thread. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

She broke up with me numerous times showing zero empathy.  Her emotional expression looked like she was telling me that she just finished doing her laundry.  I felt like I didn't exist every time.  Awful.  I will never forget that.  It would almost always catch me off guard, too.  But I started to realize that it would happen shortly after we had a very intimate time together.  And I continued to go back to her over and over.  I have not spoken to her now in almost 2 years.

[heartandwhole]

drxap,

That is some list, and I agree, that is just unacceptable.  I'm so glad you shared that, seeing it in black and white is powerful.  As SB says, this is not rational, this is about our emotional cores. 

Now that you see the unacceptable behavior written out, does it bring back any feelings?

We can feel the hurt and miss our exes, and still make different choices. The feelings don't have to dictate our actions.  We have a choice – finally– we aren't helpless children trying to survive anymore. 

Keep up the good work! 

[Promises]

I wrote my list last night.  wow, its a long one.  Very similar to the lists posted.  Amazing how they seem exactly alike.  I spent a long time making my list to the point my mom thought I was obsessing which I kinda was.  She thinks I ought a be working on acceptance instead.  Not accepting him but accepting things I can't change.  I need to work on moving on and self improvement.  I totally understand the purpose of the list but did it make anyone else just too upset?  it made me waste my night thinking about it but I'm glad I made it so I can pull it out if I'm ever tempted to contact him. I love these boards but I do have the tendacy to obsess so I have to make myself quit reading it and focus on something else more positive.  Anyone else having trouble with obsessive thoughts.  I feel like he is renting out space in my brain without paying rent.

Promises

[State85]

Partial list:

broke ornaments on christmas tree given to me by my parents

broke side door to my house

broke back door to my house

gave me a black eye

beaten on multiple occasions

verbally abused me with names I have never even heard of before

broke sentimental items in my house

caught lieing on multiple occasions

would not let me go to sleep

had to win every argument

blamed me for being late to lots of things, when she would not leave on her own

stopped car in middle of road, got out, leaving me in car running in traffic, then raged at me cause it took me too long to

list goes on

[drxap]

I feel I come a long ways since I started this thread and I feel like making my list really did help me move on. It was very difficult for me to justify how abused I felt, but making the list really helped me truly see the r/s for what it really was:

A very sick person leaching onto a successful, healthy, lonely person.

Thank you everyone for sharing some of your lists, a lot of us put up with some truly horrifying situations.

I used to think I would always care about my BPD exgf, but I just don't anymore. I don't know how she is doing or what she is up to and I just don't care one way or the other, and it feels great. 

[corraline]

I remember when i went to the local abuse centre for women here and told the counselor all of the things that were happening she was shocked and thought it was the worst case of psychological abuse she has ever encountered  I didnt even tell her some of the sexual stuff cause i was embarrassed about it

embarrassed because she was already overwhelmed by what i had said and i started to feel like an idiot for being in it all for so long

also the weird thing was... . when she acknowledged how bad it was i went into doubting my perceptions and i could hear his little tape rolling in my head about how i was always in story and demonizing him

then i had to admit to reality but it felt so traumatic and shocking to my system to accept all of it

i always made excuses myself and swept really yucky stuff under the carpet but the cost of that was incredible anxiety that i lived with every day

i wanted love so bad that i had to be in denial .

[drxap]

My ex played that same card over and over! She always made me feel guilty for "making her out to be the bad guy."

In my head my reply would always say "but you ARE the only one in this relationship who is cheating, lying, and saying nasty things to and about me."

I wanted to share my life someone and I put up with too much to cling to that.

[waver]

I kinda have summed it all down to just one thing:

BPD's simply take the 'fun' out of life.

You can take your whole list of crap and condense it down to the above statement.

I know this is not my board... .

I have my own list too, quite long.

But do you really think their life is just FUN?

[corraline]

My ex when drunk got quite dark and down at times

He though this world was false uncaring selfish and full of wounded people walking around in a trance

He was in conflict with people alot too when they were in devalue stage

He was hypervigilent and "sensing " or " reading " people with his keen radar.

He sometimes was so needy for attention and acting impulsively he made himself look like a fool

No... . i cant imagine life like this is fun

It looked painful and uncomfortable to me

[Aussie0zborn]

All of the above and more, but one that really irked me was smashing my windscreen and not paying for it - $900 and she tried to smash it again a couple of years later but failed.

[Split black]

Manipulating

pathological never-ending lying

cheating

Triangulation

using

Paid security and down payment ( 2800) for her new apt, as well as supplementing most months because she never paid rent... . only to find out she never left ex and had multiple exes visit her.

abusive

Used sex as a negotiating tool after a while. ( You only want sex, you wont just help me... crazy!)

Push/pull

actress extraordinaire

flaking

unreliable

alcoholic

coke addict

pill addict

Lost 3 jobs due to some drama or another.

Two false pregnancies that she aborted and wouldn't allow me to share or drive her. ( Now I know even if real might not be mine)

Blackmailed me twice for money, then claiming it was because shes an addicted.

She FB my son, friend-ed him... . and invited him to her apt to paint numerous times ( no sex thank god) because she was lonely. He didnt know I was seeing anyone. Im 50++ he is 24. I had to tell him about her. He never spoke to her again. < im disgusted and embarrassed and ashamed writing this down>

Mean

evil

Takes no responsibility for her actions... . ever.

No empathy what so ever

Said she loved me so many many times only to say she never did and I disgusted her.

I can go on but i want to vomit in my own mouth at these crippling memories.

But when she was "normal" she confessed to many shortcomings... . and gave hidden warnings as to her behavior. Called herself evil, said she was a master manipulator.

3 Weeks not seeing her 5 days of NC after several failures. Im done. Im so done.