Addiction to moments of affection and sex with exBPDgf

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Hi there,

So, I am in ending stage of relationship, or at least I think it si ending (so many times push/pull was going on so I do not really know if this time it is real or not)... .

I find myself constantly thinking and dreaming about those moment of affection we had, of sex we had, and it was sex filled with emotions and affection. Plus I was and I still am so attracted to her. She was thinking of sex almost all the time, seiously, almost every moment, constantly wanting something new, and on one side it was scaring me a little, sometimes makeing me tired of that, but on the other side it was turning me on. Now, when seriously things are getting to the end, I find that fear that I will never feel like this with anyone, that nobody else will do things she was doing like she only could. It is very strong feeling and I am not afraid to say that is powerfull addiction... .

What are first steps should I take to fight with that? I am loosing my mind sometimes, I am afraid I started to see the world with her eyes, and many times I cought myself that everywhere I look I think of  sex, of her, and it takes all of me... .

Will it ever stop? It is the strongest feeling of this kind I ever had... . It makes me want to come back to her just to feel like this again... .

Struggling with my thoughts... .

[Maro12]

Hi there,

So, I am in ending stage of relationship, or at least I think it si ending (so many times push/pull was going on so I do not really know if this time it is real or not)... .

I find myself constantly thinking and dreaming about those moment of affection we had, of sex we had, and it was sex filled with emotions and affection. Plus I was and I still am so attracted to her. She was thinking of sex almost all the time, seiously, almost every moment, constantly wanting something new, and on one side it was scaring me a little, sometimes makeing me tired of that, but on the other side it was turning me on. Now, when seriously things are getting to the end, I find that fear that I will never feel like this with anyone, that nobody else will do things she was doing like she only could. It is very strong feeling and I am not afraid to say that is powerfull addiction... .

What are first steps should I take to fight with that? I am loosing my mind sometimes, I am afraid I started to see the world with her eyes, and many times I cought myself that everywhere I look I think of  sex, of her, and it takes all of me... .

Will it ever stop? It is the strongest feeling of this kind I ever had... . It makes me want to come back to her just to feel like this again... .

Struggling with my thoughts... .

[max101]

Well sex is an amazing thing so it's understandable. But if she had any of the other BPD traits, and if the "other" times with her were hectic, unhealthy, toxic, bizarre and insane, NO amount of sex however great it may be can be worth the struggle. It seems from your post the only "positive" thing about the relationship you can point out is the sex, something that (no offense) is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship. I have the feeling you have become addicted to the "sex" because it's the only good thing that you can say about her so it a important point to remember if you decide to get back together with her.

In my case, I would rather NEVER have sex again for the remainder of my life than be in a similar relationship with such sever anger and toxicity. F*ck sex, my sanity is first

[restoredsight]

Was it really affection on her behalf? Did you ever feel like she was performing rather than participating? Did you ever get a feeling that something was just not right even though there was intensity? 

A lot of people on these boards call this "porn star sex." In my case, I knew it was just as real as porn after a while, and when I tried to steer things towards intimacy, she started shutting down.

I'm not going to lie, I loved the sex we had, it made me feel powerful. She and I did everything a man and a woman could do together. She instigated threesomes and foursomes with other women. She was enthusiastic and she seemed to love it. It was intoxicating- at first. I noticed that my feelings about the situation never matched hers. I started to feel like everything was impersonal, a diversion from intimacy. I started to feel like it was more like masturbation than love making.

Once the sex slowed, she was very open about how she felt like she was punishing herself with it. She was confused about her role in things, seemed to crave a more loving form of sex, but it didn't feel right. The wrong things felt right and the right things felt wrong, and this caused her so much distress that she gave up on sex for a very long time.

I waited this out, but if I'm honest, I'll take passion and intimacy over porn any day of the week, and I know for a fact there are healthy people out there that are good in bed. I may not be perfectly healthy, as I slid straight into co-dependence with my wife, but I know I'm good in bed, so there must be others.

I am rambling, but I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I read that this sort of behavior, the sex suddenly stopping and such, is fairly prevalent in a LTR with someone with these disorders. I wasn't totally addicted because I wanted more than what she was offering. I didn't want to objectify her, but she only knows how to be objectified.

I don't know, this may be different than your situation. But, one of the hallmarks of this disorder is that the attentiveness and "affection" aren't really directed at you out of love, but as a way to be valued by you. You might have had your intuition tell you something like this in some situation. I found that those little moments are clues to what the entire relationship is about, including the sex.

[expos]

Hey.

I'm finding that the sex was merely a way to control and secure the relationship.  Remember some key points here:

- they fear abandonment and hate being alone.  Explosive sex will reel you in keep you occupied with them, even if they are giving you scraps.  This is not healthy.  They will screw ANYONE, and do anything to feel validated and secure a relationship.

- sex is good with them because they feel things very deeply.  But so do others.  It's not that they are better in bed than a healthy person, it's just that highly volatile BPD people give off a wide array of emotions that keep you guessing and chasing as to what you mean to them.  So, when the sex does happen, it's a relief to you that things are ok.

- when the sex stops (and it always does) and they paint you black, you can rarely get them back to the honeymoon state.  They are triggered by close intimacy, get too close and they go haywire.  They actually fear it. 

[Moselle]

That's a very tough situation. One for which I have some empathy. I felt the same way for 14 years. great sex, addictive sex, but devoid of emotion and empathy. She is my only partner ever and I felt absolutely desperate during the first month of our separation. My concern was how will I ever cope without sex. I even tried to have sex 3 or 4 times with her during the first crazy month of separation. Now I'm 3 months on, had no sex and feel fantastic. I realise that she used sex to control me, just as much as someone can use a drug to control someone else. She really had whatever she wanted money wise (spending being an addiction of hers), and anything else by holding sex to ransom.

Its taken me 3 months to go cold turkey and I can promise you, its worth it. She is raging because she has lost her lever over me. I'm holding my ground on all the demands for money and attention.  

She is beginning to realise the game is truly up. I'm not sure if she will cut and run, or face up to this disease, but I do know I am never going back to the sexual control game and abuse, she used to play with me.

[willy45]

Hey Maro,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. For reals. I am over 1.5 years out and it still draws me back in (See my previous post). I still fantasize about her. I still feel the same way you do. But, it gets better over time. I didn't think it would. But it does. I was (before she contacted me) fantasizing about her less and less and even those fantasies didn't have the same power.

Why are you leaving her? Start there buddy. Don't worry about the sex part. Yes. It is an addiction. But part of the whole sex thing is an illusion.

Mine was the same. Insane sex. Really. Things I would never have dreamt possible. I am still wildly attracted to her. But when I take a step back, I realize it wasn't all good. Was the insane sex consistent? Or was it intermittent? Did it kind of seem at random... . like sometimes it was there, sometimes it wasn't but you never knew when it was going to come? That makes it even more addictive.

After a few years, the crazy sex stopped (except when she thought I was leaving... . surprise, surprise). She wasn't aroused by me anymore. It just seemed like a chore to her. It would take eons to get her in the mood. She would do this thing where she would take my head when she was on top of me and hold it and force me to gaze into her eyes. It was seriously creepy. And made me feel like ___. Unfortunately, these things get brushed aside and forgotten about in the rush. They brushed aside in the fantasy.

You are living in a fantasy world, dude. That sex wasn't real. I mean, it happened. But it wasn't what you thought it was. It was a part of the control. And once you are under control (emotionally), it goes away.

I asked her about this once... . I said 'where did our sex life go?' and she said, 'well, when a relationship first starts, the sex is like that because each person is trying to impress the other and once that's done, there isn't a need to do that anymore'.  For real. That is what she said. How messed up is that? It is like she said exactly what I had feared. She used sex to rope me in, to lure me in. And then once I was lured, why bother?

Oh, except when I was about to run away from her yelling and raging. Then it came back full throttle.

Let me share a couple of stories (WARNING: NOT PG)

The first: When I first met her, she was dating someone (about 30 years her elder). We were 'friends' but there was an insane sexual chemistry. One night she had me over. I had known her for maybe 2 months. We were hanging out and she said, hold on a second, and she went to her closet and closed the door. She then came out in lingerie and walked around. I was stunned. She went back in the closet and came out again in something different. Walked around. Went back in and came out again in something different. She said: 'Makes you want to 'F' me doesn't it? But you can't.' Then she made me lie down on the floor, got a toy out, and straddled me and then pleasured herself in front of me. She said I wasn't allowed to touch her.

Sick? Yes. Extremely. Hot? Holy ___ yeah. We weren't even dating. She was with someone else. As was I. It actually makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. So gross now. Ug. And scary.

The second: She thought it would be hot to be with another woman. So did I. She met this really hot chick who wanted her. So, I thought, OK! They hooked up. It didn't really sit well with either of us. So, that was that. We moved on. But, that was hot and it became part of our fantasy world. Then, on our way to breaking up, we had a HUGE fight. For no reason really. I think because I didn't sit beside her at breakfast or something and she raged at me for about an hour. Then, that night, we were lying there and I was like... . man, I need to get out of this... . and she said: "You know, I would hook up with a woman again for you, would you like that?" I was lying there thinking "H*LL NO! WHAT THE H*LL ARE YOU THINKING? YOU JUST RAGED AT ME FOR NO REASON FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME AND I"M LYING HERE SHELLED SHOCKED AND INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU SAY THIS?" I knew it was a manipulation. I knew it. I knew the promise would disappear if I said yes. I knew it was her way of keeping me around longer.

So, dude, you aren't alone. Trust me. This is a thing. It happens. You can get through it. It will be like quitting a drug. The withdrawal, the doubts, the everything. But trust me man, the sex isn't real. It is a manipulation. It is a way of keeping you under her control. And it will go away if you stay with her. Except the abuse won't. So, you get the worst of all worlds. You have a choice. If you stay with her, know what's going to happen.

Focus on why you must leave. Focus on that. The sex stuff will go away, like any addiction. It's like doing crack. Feels great for a bit but ruins your life.

Hope this helps. Maybe it doesn't. But I thought maybe if I shared some stuff you will realize that you aren't alone. That this is a thing. Check out these boards. These stories are all over the place.

Peace.

[growing_wings]

i felt very similar to you, and probalby at times i still do... .

yep, Borderline personality disorder, well it has some parts that are amazing about it, the sex, the mirroring, the "apparent" best connection that made us best friends, etc. but on the dark side, it BPD is extremely possessive,  jealous, unpredictable, dominating, controlling, manipulative, etc.etc...   you weight the pros with the cons and you take a decision based on this. Once the decision of either staying or leaving is taken, then you need to have determination and guts to stick to it.

Leaving WILL be tough, not only now, but for a while (long while) until you heal... and yes, probably you will never find another person like her with regards to sex and other elements you describe, and will miss those parts still (I am past 3 months NC and i still miss those elements), but you get hte whole package with BPD.

it WILL be difficult to leave her, it will take a lot of effort from you to move on and heal, how much? it will depend of how you let her go, if you cling to those memories, the detachment will be longer, if you chose to let it go, and accept that the person with BPD is no longer a good fit for you, then it might be shorter

you hold the key.

FYI, +3 months post NC, i am MUCh better, calmer and happier. But does not mean i dont miss the good parts! she was awsome in a way. I miss that best friend i had in her... i miss her tons... but for my own good, i am moving on

[Split black]

The very foundation of our relationship was sex. It was intense. Then it cooled down. Then she said i made her feel badly about herself because all i wanted was sex. No ... . i wanted her love and affection but what i got was crumbs and then i was used like a human dildo. There were so many times she would just get hers and told me to hurry and finish. Then she would jump up and get dressed. She would say oh do you want to cuddle? Jesus it was like i was the girl. No offense ladies.  But seriously there was very little intimacy on her part. She didnt like long passionate kisses. Made her feel uncomfortable. Then sex was a  negotiating minipulation used like a prostitute. Get me this or that ... . or i need rent covered and i will let u do xyz to me. Of course little did i know she was doing at least two other guys and juggling everyone with lies and deceit. So why do i miss her? Ugh

[lemon flower]

I'm having limited contact with ex, trying to stay friends.

At this moment things are going relatively well between us, we're both trying the best we can to not blow up this friendship like we blew up the r/s a couple of times.

intimacy and sex are still an issue, we're experimenting now with "limited" physical contact, trying to find out what is acceptable to both of us and what's a no go 

I can't count how many endless discussions we had about it, but anyway... .

in response to your post: staying in touch means constantly dealing with my own (sexual and affective) desires for him as well as his for me and it feels like sitting together in a boiling pot; sometimes nearly boiling over, sometimes  it cools down to a comfortable soothing bath.

either way to me it's not a reason for NC (at this moment) but damn it's difficult... .

[Maro12]

Thank You for all Your replies... .

Well, it was not only the sex which was incredible, like I said it was all the feeling that we feel the same way to each other, that we crazy for each other... . looking in the eyes and feeling dizzy in the head... . Spending time together was very sweet also... . I felt happy many times, outside the bed also.

But, on the other side her anger... . Sometimes felt I can not make her happy with anything I do... . And at the and anyway I was painted black... . After two years of fights, emotional blackmail I became piece of nerve. I started to behive like BPD, I got so confused. Now every single sign of her unger started be trigger for me... . Than she started to cry and wanted me to calm down, but I just could not... . I was closing myself. So I am so bad, because according to her someone who loves her should calm her down... . hug her... . does not matter that it started from her unger at the first place... . It is like a guilt trap, cause at the end I feel guilty for all!

We could not go anywhere together without accusition "I am looking asses"... . it destroed every single moment of my happiness when we were out... . even when I did not know what she is talking about, I had arguments and rages from her that I look girls! Than at the end I had to appologize for God knows what! It was so exhausting!

Sometimes I also felt we did not have intelectual connection... . And yes there was moments which I did not feel right, like having sex was more important than how I feel... . When she wanted, she had to... . And I had to perform, otherwise... . she raged... .

So trying to put my life together again after all this mess... . Thanks for all support!

[Madison66]

Like many here, I experienced some pretty intense sex with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  It was one of the main reasons I returned to the r/s three times during the last year together.  I definitely see the sex as her way of initially "hooking me" (no pun intended) and then it was our false intimacy when the real thing couldn't be had.  There would also be emotional dysregulation or rages after sex or first thing in the morning.  The "flip of the emotional switch" was always a threat and it was just abusive and destructive.  And then there was the sickest thing that anyone has ever said to me in my life that came out of her mouth within seconds of an intense session.  She said to me "sex is the only thing we share that you don't share with your daughter".  True, ridiculous and sick when you consider she said it to me within days of my daughter leaving the hospital for a refeeding program due to her eating disorder.  My ex gf then sexted me a couple weeks later while I was out to special dinner with my daughter.  Sick, immature, manipulative and controlling!  

Bottom-line, the sex was about false intimacy and some really f'd up control/emotional abuse by her.  I understand how hard it is to lose that powerful sex in your life.  At the same time, there was so much negativity attached to it for me that I repulsed by thinking about it now.  I'll tell you this also - I'm now seeing a fantastic non PD and the sex is great especially without all the crud.  And, while the sex is great it's not the best part of the r/s.  There's no "other shoe to drop" or "ice pick under the bed" or "rage around the corner"!  It's real and it's what is waiting for you on the other side... .

[Kallor74]

Believe me when she was gazing into your eyes staring deep into your soul her thoughts were very differnt than yours.   My exBPDgf used to do the same even when i was just watching tv.  She would mount me and grab the back of my neck to make me look into her haunted dead eyes. 

Control. 

[willy45]

Oh man! I would hate that! HATE IT. She would do the same thing to me. I would sitting on the couch watching TV or a movie and I would look over and she would be staring at me. She would either say: I love you or I'm worried about you. But it would be this stare. And certainly during sex she would grab my head and make her stare at her deeply into her eyes.

Man. It is so good to restart remembering these things. Sex was not all good. Parts were good. But for the most part, it was complicated, confusing, and disorienting.

Towards the end, I would masturbate thinking about her instead of having sex with her because I didn't feel it was worth the effort. Ha ha. That's weird.

[willy45]

I would also hate the 'I need to feel an emotional connection before we have sex' and the 'connect with me' while we were naked and she would hold my head to look into her creepy eyes. I felt like I was supposed to be a cyborg.

Say in robot voice: "Connect. Bee boo baa boo. Connection Made. Downloading emotional content. Emotional content download complete. Engage intercourse. Bee boo baa boo."

[Split black]

Believe me when she was gazing into your eyes staring deep into your soul her thoughts were very differnt than yours.   My exBPDgf used to do the same even when i was just watching tv.  She would mount me and grab the back of my neck to make me look into her haunted dead eyes. 

Control. 

You were with my exBPD too? haha

[Sunny Side]

Believe me when she was gazing into your eyes staring deep into your soul her thoughts were very differnt than yours.   My exBPDgf used to do the same even when i was just watching tv.  She would mount me and grab the back of my neck to make me look into her haunted dead eyes. 

Control. 

"Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he's got... . lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces."

Forgive me, Kallor, I was a liberal arts major  .  Your comment made me think of Quint!  And btw, my uBPDexgf did the same thing.  She would grab the back of my head during sex, pull my face in and stare deeply into my eyes: "You know I really, really love you, right?".  Whose heart wouldn't melt for that?

[rodrod]

Wow - this thread is me and my ex-girlfriend.  Thank you all for the perspective.  I really needed that.  Thank you.  So, can I empathize? Oh man can I.  That is tough stuff to deal with wanting more, wanting real intimacy, and not getting it all the while being drawn into a deep addictive cycle of shallower self pleasing.  It's like a drug constantly tickling that pleasure center with sex, but not getting the deeper pleasure that you really want from the sex, or that you hope the sex will evolve into in a more healthy relationship.  And the withdrawals to the sex and the lack of love sucks as much as the withdrawals from drugs, and maybe even more because of the absolutely hollow feelings left behind from what is truly needed - real deep caring love.  Wish I knew all of this about ten years ago before I started by on my never ending spin cycle of sex and hope for intimacy and no real love, and then repeat.   

[love2give]

Then, on our way to breaking up, we had a HUGE fight. For no reason really. I think because I didn't sit beside her at breakfast or something and she raged at me for about an hour.

I know the topic is about sex but this simple statement sent chills down my spine.  In the year and a half I was with my BPDexgf it never failed.  Every single family bbq, get together and even Halloween party, by the end of the event and most times even during in front of my family and friends she would rage at me that I had left her alone or was ignoring her.  I could not believe what was happening and as hard as I tried to reason and explain to her, it would always re-occur.

As for the sex, well all I can say is WOW.  From our first date where all I did and expected was a first kiss, withing 20 seconds of that kiss she had all her clothes off.  I was stunned and she was and still is GORGEOUS so we know what happens then.  Sexually she was game for anything I wanted.  Even things that made me feel uncomfortable like choking.  When she first mentioned that, I refused.  As time passed I would do it gently to please her.  She then went on to explain how her previous boyfriend almost went to far on one occasion and she almost past out while being choked.  For me, where sex is the ultimate expression of connection and love, I could not relate loving her to choking her and I tried so hard to make her understand that the reason I did not choke her as hard as he did is because I truly love and respect her way to much for that.  I am sure looking back at us now she is thinking her previous boyfriend was better sexually just at the fact he abused her more physically which is what she really wanted from me.

When she would constantly start fights about the most simple things it got to the point where I would rage back.  Like someone mentioned in a previous post, you almost become like them after awhile with the rage.  That's when she would spin it and her favorite line at that point would be "YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME".  So her previous boyfriend would not yell at her during fights BUT would choke her to the point of passing out during sex, so in her mind he was ALWAYS respectful where as I had none for her.

We pretty much had sex two to three times a day through out our relationship and do I think about and miss that.  YES.  its almost three months since breakup and I just cannot get over her.  I went NC for about three weeks and emailed her just yesterday practically begging to just call me so we can talk.  Im maybe looking for closure from her but she NEVER EVER calls or texts me back.  I am so broken and I feel so damaged from what she has done to me.  To want someone so badly even though I know overall she treated me so unfairly is crazy to me and worse to family and friends who cannot understand why even to this day I would take her back in a heart beat.  The thought of her having sex with someone else kills me inside but that is most likely what is happening.

I really thought she was "the one" for me as I am not getting any younger.  Every future plan had her in it in my mind.  Now those plans are shattered.  I have been to a lot of therapy sessions, constantly reading self help books and have had tons of friends remind me what she has done to me.  I realize and feel better for an hour and then fall back down close to all out depression.

I truly don't know how I will get past this.  Want to thank everyone on these boards.  You have all been a GREAT help.

[Calm Waters]

well, I can only echo what many have said on this thread. My BPDexgf who I had known at a distance for 20 years was the most beautiful, sexual and intense women that I have ever fallen for ( only happend like that once before in my 20's). But of course this is the activation of both peoples childhood 'issues' giving us the sense of familiarity and the feeling that we have met the ' soulmate ' In a sense anyone who has felt this has met their 'match' a person who has similar 'issues and damage' that is unconscious, hence the feeling of mirroring and intensity. Sadly it is unsustainable for the most part, mine was just 3 months but it has had an incredibly profound, initially devastating ( after the breakup ) but ultimately salutary impact. I am healing just over a year on as most of us do, however the yearning for that level of intensity and ' love' remains for me and will I think for the rest of my life, I and many of us here will just have to learn to live with that and recognise that this ' lesson' has a purpose, to help us grow and heal the wounds of our childhoods and not fall for it again. Good luck

[pinkparchment]

I asked once if "it" was always like that, so intense and connected. She was like, "yea pretty much... . I mean we definitely more than average passion, but not too unusual." She knew she had BPD though, said she couldn't help it because she always got super passionate in her relationships. So that was a punch in the face for a non, but hey. She was honest with me. She also couldn't really come

[pinkparchment]

I meant to finish that sentence--she couldn't really come with/from her partners. She had "climaxes" but never real orgasms until she finished herself off. So definitely issues with communication/control/vulnerability. I got it in my head that if I could master her body I would make myself stand out in her mind, which I did to a point, but it didn't make the difference I thought. So one obsession I have with our sexual relationship was the feeling that if I just did more, more, more she would love me and think I was special.

[Split black]

Then, on our way to breaking up, we had a HUGE fight. For no reason really. I think because I didn't sit beside her at breakfast or something and she raged at me for about an hour.

We pretty much had sex two to three times a day through out our relationship and do I think about and miss that.  YES.  its almost three months since breakup and I just cannot get over her.  I went NC for about three weeks and emailed her just yesterday practically begging to just call me so we can talk.  Im maybe looking for closure from her but she NEVER EVER calls or texts me back.  I am so broken and I feel so damaged from what she has done to me.  To want someone so badly even though I know overall she treated me so unfairly is crazy to me and worse to family and friends who cannot understand why even to this day I would take her back in a heart beat.  The thought of her having sex with someone else kills me inside but that is most likely what is happening.

I really thought she was "the one" for me as I am not getting any younger.  Every future plan had her in it in my mind.  Now those plans are shattered.  I have been to a lot of therapy sessions,

Oh brother this hits home... .   I haven't seen mine for a month and I think its about 3 weeks NC today and I almost called and texted. She said the last time on the phone, that I was a manipulating liar a bad man and that she felt sorry for my son to have a father like me and that I disgusted her and to lose her number because she lost mine and never ever contact her again.  Then hung up.  A few days before, she cried and said shes F**ked me over so many times and that she knows I would never beable to believe ( her lies) again even IF she were telling the truth. She said she loved me again and not to contact her. I had the audacity to bust her cheating with someone after forgiving her a couple of weeks before with the same guy.

I really want to contact her but I just know that she would not respond and I would feel worse then I do now if thats possible. I think about her everyday... . I am/was addicted and the thought of her doing this and other guys is mind numbing.

I feel for you, and your post helped get me through another day and a harsh lesson to maintain NC. But LISTEN... . just start over. Go NC... . and never waiver. Try to accept reality for what it is. I understand... . we all do.

[Split black]

I meant to finish that sentence--she couldn't really come with/from her partners. She had "climaxes" but never real orgasms until she finished herself off. So definitely issues with communication/control/vulnerability. I got it in my head that if I could master her body I would make myself stand out in her mind, which I did to a point, but it didn't make the difference I thought. So one obsession I have with our sexual relationship was the feeling that if I just did more, more, more she would love me and think I was special.

I would do the same... . she said I was the best ever ...   ( puke)    After I busted her a few weeks ago with a childhood friend of hers (that is now also painted black btw... . )  after having had a conversation with him back then, he told me what they did in detail... .    when I reconnected with her last time after a week of being black... I stupidly asked her if he really " did " her for hours... . she looked at me and said yeah it was pretty long. I should have walked out of that door right then. I should have pulled the trigger instead of her. To be exiled, and given the permanent silent treatment, because it was easier for her to run then own her behavior or even discuss and then project her traits on to me is excruciating.

[pinkparchment]

My ex did tell me I was the best once, and reaffirmed it later saying she's never told anyone that because she "doesn't lie." (except about me being perfect and how she needed me apparently, oh, and how she wasn't moving on while we were long distance). But I later found out that while she hadn't said those exact words, she did seriously flatter all of her exes on their skills in bed. Graphically. And her "motto" is the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else... . so I'm sure she has a new partner she's BSing now.

Honestly I'm glad she's completely cut contact because I'd be tempted to try one more time to blow her mind. Just so when she inevitably split me black again she'd remember me. Sad, and sick (of me). But I feel like it was just another way I wasn't good enough for her.

[restoredsight]

Not for nothing guys, but so much of sex is communication and your "skills" aren't the issue. You can't hold up both ends of this sort of conversation and think you did badly in any way. That's not sex, that's ventriloquy. The motto I learned so long ago is that everyone is responsible for their own pleasure. That's not to say that you shouldn't care, but the other person has some amount of responsibility to get there.

Sex isn't the same thing to them as it is to you, and regardless, this is still pinning your own worth on what someone who may be disordered thinks/says. Actually, pinning your worth on someone else's idea of what's ideal, disorder or not, is a recipe for pain. That's incompatibility, not some failure of yours. 

Asking questions of/about the other folks in this mess is asking for hurt on top of hurt. They do the same things they do with you to everyone else. It's a constantly evolving play, where they pick up more things they can get value from. If you aren't special, they aren't special, the next person isn't, and the next, and the next, but every single one will be told that they are. It's great to be told that unless you see it for what it is. They don't mean it to be, but it's flattery.

I see it like this: she just got a new toy, or a new life, or a new drug, whatever. She abandoned me. She can't replace me. I am unique in her life. I may not be special to her now, but she won't meet someone else exactly like me.

[Vatz]

I felt like that for a while. Then I stopped wanting sex. 26 year old male, and didn't really feel like it. I never refused, I still did it but over the last few months my heart wasn't in it. I just didn't want to do it. I felt like I never had a say in it. Partly because I always used to be affectionate, passionate and all that other stuff. But it rarely ever felt appreciated, she almost always pulled away and because I respected her boundaries I would stop. Eventually I stopped altogether. She was mean and abusive and a day later would want sex. She often was in a better mood and had a sunnier disposition afterward, so she got some. It started to feel like... . I don't know... . like it wasn't ME she was having sex with. It might as well have been anyone. I didn't actually feel all that desirable.

At the risk of being TMI, things got weird too. I started fantasizing about her being a total... . ummm... . loose sort of woman. It helped because... . it's really hard to explain, but it helped me for a moment pretend I wasn't actually *with* her. Like she was just a total stranger, and I didn't love her, and her having slept with other guys recently was now suddenly exciting.

Am I okay with the affairs she had? No! Am I okay with dating someone who sleeps with other men? No. But if it's a total stranger who I'll probably see once (at most just a short term fling,) then you know... . we're in business.

It's like that thing Patton Oswalt says in one of his comedy bits "... . that thing you think about when you're F--ing someone that helps you f--- them better." Couldn't find a better example.

It's going to sound freaking weird but all I really wanted were hugs, sitting next to one another while watching something. Laughing and what not. Nope. She was either on Skype or sending texts even when we WERE supposed to be just her and I. Sex became the furthest thing from my mind. Still masturbated a lot, but I just didn't feel like doing the horizontal dance. It's NOT that she isn't attractive, she most certainly is. I just wanted to feel her hugging me, smiling at me and being nice, and the confidence in knowing that the affection and warmth was something I can look forward to for a long long time. Nope.

[DB33]

It's going to sound freaking weird but all I really wanted were hugs, sitting next to one another while watching something. Laughing and what not. Nope. She was either on Skype or sending texts even when we WERE supposed to be just her and I.

It is called respect and intimacy. Two things that are precursors to a good relationship that can also include good sustainable sex. Intimacy went out the window shortly after the honeymoon phase in mine. Kissing, holding hands,hugs,snuggling were rejected. Her phone was her life and she hid and coveted it like nothing I had ever seen. Texts etc on our dates or wherever, she had a total lack of respect, but of course that accusation was projected onto me.

Sex was out of this world. Everything I ever wanted... . except true intimacy. To be honest I thought this is what it must be like to have sex with a prostitute.

[Take2]

I really thought she was "the one" for me as I am not getting any younger.  Every future plan had her in it in my mind.  Now those plans are shattered.  I have been to a lot of therapy sessions, constantly reading self help books and have had tons of friends remind me what she has done to me.  I realize and feel better for an hour and then fall back down close to all out depression.

I truly don't know how I will get past this.  Want to thank everyone on these boards.  You have all been a GREAT help.

I totally relate to all of this thread.  Especially that quote up there.  Me to a T.  I keep trying to get past it.  I keep thinking I AM past it... . only to get sucked right back in.  I work with my ex.  It's very hard to break free completely.  I know I'd at least not have recycled SO many times otherwise.

And the sex?  Mind blowing.  Like one of the original posts on this thread said, "porn star like".  It became an addiction for both of us.  It's more than just the sex though.  It's the intensity of the entire thing.

Although admittedly I didn't see the more loving side of him during sex for a long time before it ended.  He did show it long ago.  At the end it became a totally different look on his face during sex.  HE would want to look into my eyes as we did it... .  not in a "I love you way" - although he would say that almost in a very hurt way when we would start - as if difficult for him to admit (since things sucked so badly by then) - but sex as all about him performing and watching my reaction.  He performs like no one else and I honestly can't imagine I can ever find anything close to that again.  But intimacy was missing completely.  

Last time we had sex... .  he put his hands around my throat.  All the way around my throat.  He didn't choke me but it was the position to do so.  He did that twice during the act and left it there for a while the second time.  As he stared at me.   I actually don't trust him to NOT get physically abusive although he never has.  But he's the scariest guy I've frankly ever met.  Now that I know him so well.  What does someone THINK when they are putting their hands around your throat and f'ing you with this weird look on their face?

And he actually commented immediately afterward that I wasn't smiling... .   uh, I think I forget to smile when I'm freaked out... .

And I have a problem getting past that ?   Addiction is brutal.

[Take2]

Oh brother this hits home... .  I haven't seen mine for a month and I think its about 3 weeks NC today and I almost called and texted. She said the last time on the phone, that I was a manipulating liar a bad man and that she felt sorry for my son to have a father like me and that I disgusted her and to lose her number because she lost mine and never ever contact her again.  Then hung up.  A few days before, she cried and said shes F**ked me over so many times and that she knows I would never beable to believe ( her lies) again even IF she were telling the truth. She said she loved me again and not to contact her. I had the audacity to bust her cheating with someone after forgiving her a couple of weeks before with the same guy.

I really want to contact her but I just know that she would not respond and I would feel worse then I do now if thats possible. I think about her everyday... . I am/was addicted and the thought of her doing this and other guys is mind numbing.

I feel for you, and your post helped get me through another day and a harsh lesson to maintain NC. But LISTEN... . just start over. Go NC... . and never waiver. Try to accept reality for what it is. I understand... . we all do.

This helps me too to not reach out - it kills me knowing he's with the girl he was cheating on me with and lying to me about - and as he raged at me about how horrible I am and that someday he'll find someone new who will treat him better... .  one of our coworkers who was sitting next to me as I got that text from him commented "it's so weird that he now has such a serious r/s with that new girl with a toddler since he doesn't want children, and isn't it odd that they've already said they love each other... "     My jaw hit the floor.  That coworker didn't know anything about our background.  Well that's not completely true - I believe she must have at least thought I was still with himand was testing the waters by saying that to me.  Or maybe trying to tell me - I don't know her that well so she didn't know the details from me.   

And yet I'm freaking painted black as he rages at how horrible I am for having sat next to a male coworker at a work function... .    My own freaking issue here that I hadn't walked away - that I believed his bs EVER.

[Split black]

Oh brother this hits home... .  I haven't seen mine for a month and I think its about 3 weeks NC today and I almost called and texted. She said the last time on the phone, that I was a manipulating liar a bad man and that she felt sorry for my son to have a father like me and that I disgusted her and to lose her number because she lost mine and never ever contact her again.  Then hung up.  A few days before, she cried and said shes F**ked me over so many times and that she knows I would never beable to believe ( her lies) again even IF she were telling the truth. She said she loved me again and not to contact her. I had the audacity to bust her cheating with someone after forgiving her a couple of weeks before with the same guy.

I really want to contact her but I just know that she would not respond and I would feel worse then I do now if thats possible. I think about her everyday... . I am/was addicted and the thought of her doing this and other guys is mind numbing.

I feel for you, and your post helped get me through another day and a harsh lesson to maintain NC. But LISTEN... . just start over. Go NC... . and never waiver. Try to accept reality for what it is. I understand... . we all do.

This helps me too to not reach out - it kills me knowing he's with the girl he was cheating on me with and lying to me about - and as he raged at me about how horrible I am and that someday he'll find someone new who will treat him better... .  one of our coworkers who was sitting next to me as I got that text from him commented "it's so weird that he now has such a serious r/s with that new girl with a toddler since he doesn't want children, and isn't it odd that they've already said they love each other... "     My jaw hit the floor.  That coworker didn't know anything about our background.  Well that's not completely true - I believe she must have at least thought I was still with himand was testing the waters by saying that to me.  Or maybe trying to tell me - I don't know her that well so she didn't know the details from me.   

And yet I'm freaking painted black as he rages at how horrible I am for having sat next to a male coworker at a work function... .    My own freaking issue here that I hadn't walked away - that I believed his bs EVER.

Jesus thats brutal. Im sorry your going thru this. Im sorry Im going thru this... .   I have to read and read and study and self soothe while shes getting pounded by some guy or guys... . not giving me a thought. All those fun times... . the laughs... . but all that nasty lying manipulating cheating... . shes a player, and I got totally used and chumped... . shes a legend in her own mind. ugh... .   I cant wait not to give a sh**t. Someday... someday.

[Surrender]

Hey.

I'm finding that the sex was merely a way to control and secure the relationship.  Remember some key points here:

- they fear abandonment and hate being alone.  Explosive sex will reel you in keep you occupied with them, even if they are giving you scraps.  This is not healthy.  They will screw ANYONE, and do anything to feel validated and secure a relationship.

- sex is good with them because they feel things very deeply.  But so do others.  It's not that they are better in bed than a healthy person, it's just that highly volatile BPD people give off a wide array of emotions that keep you guessing and chasing as to what you mean to them.  So, when the sex does happen, it's a relief to you that things are ok.

- when the sex stops (and it always does) and they paint you black, you can rarely get them back to the honeymoon state.  They are triggered by close intimacy, get too close and they go haywire.  They actually fear it.  

This is EXACTLY my relationship with my ex-BPD to T. The sex was unparalleled and I always wondered (forgive how graphic I have to be) how he managed to have one orgasm after the other non-stop for hours literally. Our routine meant that he would at minimum cum 4 or 5 times and that was at minimum no breaks. I knew something about this picture was off and something disturbed me about it. At first in my naivete I thought it was a compliment and then I began to see the symptoms of a very compulsive disorder. I discovered that he was a sex addict suffering from not only compulsive masturbation but porn addiction and for all I know sex period. I discovered that all of his past experiences most of which were one night stands were with women that he barely knew or were friends of friends and he never once used a condemn or got tested for STD's. Oh yeah... . I started seeing the huge dysfunction and realized that with or without me he was going to be pumping out those orgasms regardless. Suddenly I didn't feel so hot even though he knew I was the best lover he ever had and that I was the real deal.

I began to understand why he was so jealous and mistrusting policing everything I ever did, said or did not say. He would watch my every move and would interrogate me thinking that I couldn't be trusted because I was always on the verge of breaking out and cheating on him. Now I know why he was so paranoid, it wasn't me he was worried about, in fact it was him and he was merely projecting his own fears onto me.

Oh yeah it all started making a great deal of sense and none of it was a compliment to me at all.

That doesn't mean I'm not addicted to him and I feel the same way as many struggling and fighting his brand of heroine which is agony going without. I'm now 2 weeks dry and it's hell on earth. I feel like a junky and that is completely weird because I don't touch drugs. I feel empty, lost and like my world is upside down without him. The irony is that with him my world was completely upside, screwed up and utterly abusive. I don't know how to make sense of this all anymore? All my friends and family are mad at me because I'm grieving so severely and am utterly depressed. They are all pressing me to move on because he was a waste of space and a loser yet here I am seeing the beautiful pieces of him that no one else could and loving him all the same. Bloody tragic!