Broke down and texted my exBPDgf parents

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Some of you know that 5 weeks ago I sent my girlfriend a letter saying that I felt extremely hurt by her actions towards me like silent treatments over nothing at all, sudden outbursts of anger then seconds later all was ok and her terrible communication skills like not answering or returning calls and texts. I did SO MUCH for this girl and her parents over the course of 18 months. In this time I also became VERY close to her parents, they absolutely loved me and many time voiced how they hoped I was their son in law. I dined out with just her parents on several occasions, took them to the airport and picked them up many time, built them a custom piece of furniture, oversaw a large construction project for them and helped them avoid getting into a long law suit with their condo board, and much much more.

Well 5 weeks has gone by since my letter to my exGF and I also sent another letter to her parents and I have heard NOTHING from anyone. So….last night I broke down and texted both her parents a very kind warm heartfelt text and once again…... no response. This just crushes me :'(

Here is the text:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. xxxxx,

I apologize for texting you both but I'm not sure if you are receiving my emails.

From the very bottom of my heart words cannot describe how I feel and how I'm

sure xxxxxxx feels, the pain and anguish has destroyed me as a person. I am a very

confident and strong willed man but I was no match for this outcome. I'm sure xxxxxxx has

told you to stop communicating with me. Can't blame her. I can only imagine xxxxxxx hopes

I'm dead and gone by now…I understand you are only protecting your daughter. Please

please know that I did NOT mean to hurt xxxxxx in any way, I loved her and still do, nobody

will mean more to me ever than your daughter did. I also know she's moved on. I sent the letter

I sent to her because I felt she hurt me. Know that she is in my thoughts every second, Ive never cried more.

I hope for the very best for her and would give the world to have her back but know she won't have it.

My love always,

xxxxxxxxx

[lost tree]

Some of you know that 5 weeks ago I sent my girlfriend a letter saying that I felt extremely hurt by her actions towards me like silent treatments over nothing at all, sudden outbursts of anger then seconds later all was ok and her terrible communication skills like not answering or returning calls and texts. I did SO MUCH for this girl and her parents over the course of 18 months. In this time I also became VERY close to her parents, they absolutely loved me and many time voiced how they hoped I was their son in law. I dined out with just her parents on several occasions, took them to the airport and picked them up many time, built them a custom piece of furniture, oversaw a large construction project for them and helped them avoid getting into a long law suit with their condo board, and much much more.

Well 5 weeks has gone by since my letter to my exGF and I also sent another letter to her parents and I have heard NOTHING from anyone. So….last night I broke down and texted both her parents a very kind warm heartfelt text and once again…... no response. This just crushes me :'(

Here is the text:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. xxxxx,

I apologize for texting you both but I'm not sure if you are receiving my emails.

From the very bottom of my heart words cannot describe how I feel and how I'm

sure xxxxxxx feels, the pain and anguish has destroyed me as a person. I am a very

confident and strong willed man but I was no match for this outcome. I'm sure xxxxxxx has

told you to stop communicating with me. Can't blame her. I can only imagine xxxxxxx hopes

I'm dead and gone by now…I understand you are only protecting your daughter. Please

please know that I did NOT mean to hurt xxxxxx in any way, I loved her and still do, nobody

will mean more to me ever than your daughter did. I also know she's moved on. I sent the letter

I sent to her because I felt she hurt me. Know that she is in my thoughts every second, Ive never cried more.

I hope for the very best for her and would give the world to have her back but know she won't have it.

My love always,

xxxxxxxxx

[seeking balance]

Hi Lost Tree,

I am sorry you are hurting so much.  It is hard when we lose everything associated with our ex's... . very traumatic.

At this point, it seems that they all have decided they need space - maybe it would be good for you to let go of contacting them for a while so you stop reliving that hurt.

People handle conflict differently - some will talk and others disappear - it hurts and is frustrating when we want to talk and they want to disappear.

Reading your text - it is kind, but the truth is - there is no response necessary.  Common courtesy would be "thank you for your kind words", however, you gave them the out when you said the daughter probably asked them not to communicate with you.  If this is true, then they would likely think you understand.  She is their daughter even if they liked you very much.

I am so sorry you are hurting - take good care of you right now.

Peace,

SB

[heartandwhole]

lost tree, your post is heart wrenching, I'm so sorry that you are hurting.  This is a big loss for you, and I hope you will be gentle with yourself.

I agree with SB.  People deal with hurt in different ways, and I understand how hard it is to not hear back from her or her parents.

If you can, take some space and treat yourself to some TLC.  We're here for you. 

[DB33]

I did what you did through many of my recycles. I poured my heart out, I professed my love, I rationalized etc. etc.

Looking back it always had the same results; silence or very negative response.

Her parents have been dealing with her her whole life. They know quite well how she is. In fact there is a distinct probability that they contributed to her disorder. They will always take her side. Don't expect a response from them, it won't be coming. Regardless of how much they liked you.

As for her expect the same thing she has given you in the past but continually amplified with each recycle. She will not show any empathy or understanding for your feelings. Hers are front and foremost and her emotional response is her reality. Don't ever expect to change that.

I see many posts of people looking for closure. In essence a shred of understanding and maybe a little admittance from their BPD partner on how they treated you and what they put you through. In all likelihood it's just not going to happen.

[Twin Rivers]

I hear where you are coming from DB33. I was married for 7 years and hit it off well instantly with her parents until the time she left me fully aided by them. Then they turned 180 on me after that. Be aware that BPD thinking can run in families and rather than acknowledge mental illness, the parents will compensate for BPD behaviour and you are the one who is ultimately at fault (in their family thinking). They project blame onto you rather than deal with the shame associated with BPD.

I got no closure from my wife or her parents or her (possibly BPD) older female friend who exerted incredible influence over her and led my wife out of our marriage.

Try reading the Eggshells & I Hate You Don't Leave Me books if you haven't already. The best closure I got was later reading Valerie Porr's Overcoming BPD - it gave me a greater insight and empathy into the BPDs suffering, also how families/parents compensate and reinforce the pwBPD's unhealthy behaviour rather than help them break out of denial and begin healing.

No contact with her and her family will mean you get the space you need to start getting your head around this and where you need to grow and change personally. My best advice is if she is BPD and has painted you black let her go. I know it hurts more than words can say. I offered to stand by my wife, take her to a Psych and support her through her therapy - all I got for my trouble was a restraining order. She's a woman, she'll get one whether you think she has a case or not.

[lost tree]

Well... . today I took every single little thing they ever gave me, even Christmas cards and bubble wrapped it all and shipped it back to her mom across town.

[lost tree]

I did what you did through many of my recycles. I poured my heart out, I professed my love, I rationalized etc. etc.

Looking back it always had the same results; silence or very negative response.

Her parents have been dealing with her her whole life. They know quite well how she is. In fact there is a distinct probability that they contributed to her disorder. They will always take her side. Don't expect a response from them, it won't be coming. Regardless of how much they liked you.

As for her expect the same thing she has given you in the past but continually amplified with each recycle. She will not show any empathy or understanding for your feelings. Hers are front and foremost and her emotional response is her reality. Don't ever expect to change that.

I see many posts of people looking for closure. In essence a shred of understanding and maybe a little admittance from their BPD partner on how they treated you and what they put you through. In all likelihood it's just not going to happen.

Hi DB,

I'll bet $100 to anyone here that she will NEVER recycle with me, she's done. No wonder she had 3 crap relationships before me and countless jobs, not one that lasted 6 months. Shell be an old maid forever and I can bet of the last 3 relationships I was the nicest guy who would have and still would help her…but she's finished with me.

[Turkish]

I did what you did through many of my recycles. I poured my heart out, I professed my love, I rationalized etc. etc.

Looking back it always had the same results; silence or very negative response.

Her parents have been dealing with her her whole life. They know quite well how she is. In fact there is a distinct probability that they contributed to her disorder. They will always take her side. Don't expect a response from them, it won't be coming. Regardless of how much they liked you.

As for her expect the same thing she has given you in the past but continually amplified with each recycle. She will not show any empathy or understanding for your feelings. Hers are front and foremost and her emotional response is her reality. Don't ever expect to change that.

I see many posts of people looking for closure. In essence a shred of understanding and maybe a little admittance from their BPD partner on how they treated you and what they put you through. In all likelihood it's just not going to happen.

Hi DB,

I'll bet $100 to anyone here that she will NEVER recycle with me, she's done. No wonder she had 3 crap relationships before me and countless jobs, not one that lasted 6 months. Shell be an old maid forever and I can bet of the last 3 relationships I was the nicest guy who would have and still would help her…but she's finished with me.

Hi lost tree, I can relate to this. Objectively, I was the best thing that ever happened to mine (and will be for a long time, perhaps ever). Subjectively, I finally triggered her the worst. Its a tough thing to process, because with a healthy partner, you and i likely did nothing wrong to justify such reactions from our Exes.

Regarding her parents, if they really liked you that much (and I'm sure they did), their likely emotional responses are probably shame and even embarrassment. I know as a father, those would probably be my feelings. Can you in any way empathize with that?

[lost tree]

I did what you did through many of my recycles. I poured my heart out, I professed my love, I rationalized etc. etc.

Looking back it always had the same results; silence or very negative response.

Her parents have been dealing with her her whole life. They know quite well how she is. In fact there is a distinct probability that they contributed to her disorder. They will always take her side. Don't expect a response from them, it won't be coming. Regardless of how much they liked you.

As for her expect the same thing she has given you in the past but continually amplified with each recycle. She will not show any empathy or understanding for your feelings. Hers are front and foremost and her emotional response is her reality. Don't ever expect to change that.

I see many posts of people looking for closure. In essence a shred of understanding and maybe a little admittance from their BPD partner on how they treated you and what they put you through. In all likelihood it's just not going to happen.

Hi DB,

I'll bet $100 to anyone here that she will NEVER recycle with me, she's done. No wonder she had 3 crap relationships before me and countless jobs, not one that lasted 6 months. Shell be an old maid forever and I can bet of the last 3 relationships I was the nicest guy who would have and still would help her…but she's finished with me.

Hi lost tree, I can relate to this. Objectively, I was the best thing that ever happened to mine (and will be for a long time, perhaps ever). Subjectively, I finally triggered her the worst. Its a tough thing to process, because with a healthy partner, you and i likely did nothing wrong to justify such reactions from our Exes.

Regarding her parents, if they really liked you that much (and I'm sure they did), their likely emotional responses are probably shame and even embarrassment. I know as a father, those would probably be my feelings. Can you in any way empathize with that?

Hi Turkish,

I can empathize.

About her parents…They really really loved me, it was actually quite amazing. My god…thinking back they were like my own parents to me. They took me out to expensive dinners, cooked me dinner, heck we even watched netflix movies late at night, her father even fell asleep on my shoulder….

I remember the first time I met her father (I'd already met her mom). They took me out to dinner at a restaurant called The Palm (nice)... We closed the place we were there so long. After we left the mom called me the following day and met me for coffee and told me when we left the steakhouse that Mr. xxxxx said "finally, someone I like".

Those were his exact words Turkish, I'll never forget them.

So thats why I am in such disbelief that her parents haven't contacted me.