Feeling depressed...

[Mike76]

Even though I decided divorce my only and best option, I have been unable to to take that step.  I have consulted and chosen a lawyer that I believe will will be a good fit for me.  I just email them tonight so I can set up my appointment and start painful process.

I have this "I hate you don't leave me"  currently struggle with my dBPDw, and she is trying hard to prove she is going to getting better and going change.  I decided to reach out to a new and different personal counselor, I have been with mine for 2 years, I wonder somethings if they have my best interest.  She is finally looking into DBT, but it is do late for me.

But, before I take this life changing step, I just wanted to me sure.

I found someone by a random chance very easily, and they provided a free consult visit. I was pleased when I met with them my consult, but they encouraged meeting with my wife also individually.   I thought no harm, no foul,  if they can put a name, face, and person with my wife it might make things easier. Why spend weeks giving a story of my wife, if they can see it themselves.  I met with this new counselor along with my with over about a week time period.  After about a week of meeting with my wife a received email from this new counselor. In the email it said,  "you wife signed a disclosure that I can provided insight to you, I would like to met with me again".  I decided, why not?

The following are comments made to me during my second session with this new counselor.   

• I have been prayer for you ever since I met with you wife.



• She started out with, "I have been doing this for 20 years and never had a session like that one, with your wife"



• As soon as your wife left I needed to take a deep breath and a few minutes to digress.



• I thought you, exaggerate a few stories, but you only gave me a small piece of the way she treated you.  I am was\am concerned about you. 



• 4 minutes into the session, I was confused and sat in awe. 



• You have a very toxic marriage



• Did you ever get to share you feeling or speak? I would have to say no



• I have almost never if ever contact someone after a consult, but  I would have a slow minute in my work day, I felt worried about you



• Your wife is a very chaotic person, she came in with multiple bags, kept fumbling around... . it was very strange



• I think me niche and specialty is couples therapy, and you have done far more than anyone I have met.



• I am a professional and your wife pushed me to my limit, she would not answer my questions, she would provide me with odd strange answers, etc.  I tried to keep notes, and I have no clue what I wrote down.



• The way dinner and meals work in your marriage is dysfunctional. 



• She has a lot of things going on in her head, medication, therapy, etc, will not give her to tool to ever make any spouse happy.
  
  I asked "do you think you can verify the personality disorder",  she said  "yes, but there is a lot more going on that that".  I asked "do you think abuse could have happened when she was young"  she responded "very likely, but it locked very deep within"



• Again she said something like, "how are you doing was well as you are?". 



• She said even though," your wife has many issues in her head, you really need to take care of myself, her concerns are really not for you to worry about. "



• I said.  "I am not means a perfect person myself",  she said "No one is, you are the victim her"



• This consular then really emphasized my wife's goal for meeting with this counselor, (as I knew well myself), was to prove to me, that your is ready and willing to start making our marriage work, and wants to do anything to make it happen.  The counselor then said, "your wife does not, nor will ever have the skill set to make this happen with me or any marriage.   She has unreal expectations of what a marriage is, what is means to be loved, or what it takes to love someone else.  This is something that is almost impossible for her to change. "

I am rather confused and speechless that after one visit, someone can gain so much insight to someone.  Love is blind, but am I that stupid.

[maxen]

no Mike, you're not stupid - unless all of us here are stupid. and while that does sound like alot to glean from one meeting, if this counselor has experience with BPD, she will know the signs. frankly, you've been given a great gift. my T has said almost all of those same things to me, but not all at once, not so dramatically. (i wish she had, i think i'd have had a faster recovery.)

it may not happen overnight, but this should help clarify your decision on divorce. it's your life too, remember.

• This consular then really emphasized my wife's goal for meeting with this counselor, (as I knew well myself), was to prove to me, that your is ready and willing to start making our marriage work, and wants to do anything to make it happen.  The counselor then said, "your wife does not, nor will ever have the skill set to make this happen with me or any marriage.   She has unreal expectations of what a marriage is, what is means to be loved, or what it takes to love someone else.  This is something that is almost impossible for her to change. "

[momtara]

Wow.  This counselor actually sounds rattled and shocked.  I almost feel bad for your wife, being so severely ill that she bowled over a professional like that.

You still sound a little ambivalent.  I felt bad all thru my divorce and still feel bad.  If you have any doubts, you may want to try a little longer.   Yes, it seems hopeless, but you may feel less guilty that way.  Although maybe this counselor's words are just confirmation of what you need to do.

[sad but wiser]

  Hi Mike.  I am in my 19th month after splitting with my I-wish-he -were-my-ex-already BPDH.  He has made the divorce process every bit as expensive and painful as he promised to, but his threats could not ever, ever make me go back into that toxic, abusive relationship again.

  Why did I stay?  Mostly religious reasons.  "God hates divorce."  Well, so do I.  But there was absolutely no fruit of the spirit in him. None.  I spent so many years trying to be a respectful wife and do my part.  I was so sincere,  and he used it all for his own gain.  That isn't a marriage in the first place.  His idea of a husband-wife relationship was more of a owner-slave relationship.  It didn't matter what I did.  And it never would matter.

  Now, I hope for the best for him from a distance.  My children are much better off, because they are 18 and 20 now and they only have to deal with him when they feel like it.  I am sad about the end of my marriage.  It goes against my religious beliefs and what I wanted for my life.  But it takes two to make a marriage, and living a lie is just about as horrible as a divorce.  As the little girl said in "The 6th Sense," I feel much better now.

[ForeverDad]

Why did I stay?  Mostly religious reasons.  "God hates divorce."  Well, so do I.  But there was absolutely no fruit of the spirit in him. None.  I spent so many years trying to be a respectful wife and do my part.  I was so sincere, and he used it all for his own gain.  That isn't a marriage in the first place.

"God hates divorce."  That Scripture is from the book of Malachi.  However, ponder the scenario before judging those words... . the men were divorcing their older wives and marrying younger women.  God rightly found fault with that self-serving behavior.  However, if the person is actively sabotaging you, your health or the children's welfare, then divorce or even separation is a realistic choice and generally inaction is no longer an option.  (With the type of cases our members face, separation is usually insufficient, it leaves too many strings attached.)  If the ex hasn't been unfaithful then you may not feel you can it proper to remarry for religious reasons until the other breaks that requirement, but whether you remarry or not is not the issue here, in any case you do have a right to be safe and healthy and protect the children too.

[Mike76]

Thanks for you responses.

For me it was religious reasons, and not I am not really sure why I have not filled the papers yet.  I have my lawyer picked out.   

As supportive as my personal T has been, at my last appointment with them, I was really challenge for my first time why am I still there.   Frankly I am still not sure why.

We still go to MC, I kept hoping the MC will put the nail in coffin, but has not happened yet.   We did talk about our old marriage being dead, and how to move forwarded with something new.

I have had the email writing to the attorneys office, to schedule the meeting. I have already consulted with my attorney and believe they will work well for me. I have been frozen in filling paper work

I put be frozen because of the next feeling. 

I realize that we really never had real marriage, mostly because I do not think BPD allows it to happen.  I feel like if I use that as the only excuse. I do not like making my wife out to be a bad person and I am having a hard time separating the 2. She is not a bad person, and it is so hard to let go of someone you loved so much and spent 6 years of marriage building a life.   Another part of that is the following, I must also look at my own short comings. I am in no means a perfect person.  Even if in hind sight, I saw so many of the symptoms before we got marriage.  Its the I should have, could have, would have stuff I keep thinking about. 

For a few reason I can not meet with the lawyer this week, hopefully I will next week.

My marriage is dead, and I left it long ago, we are probably already separated as my state no legal separation and we are in different bedrooms.

I need to not move on... . for myself, and also my wife.  I have told my wife several times, I need to take care of myself before I work on our marriage.  I can tell she is focusing on the marriage more than herself.  I need to be fair to her, she needs to take care of herself, and not waste time on the marriage that is not there nor ever will be between us.