Beyond Devastated

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife was my soulmate, the love of my life.  She moved out and filed for divorce 2 months ago after a rage incident, in which she bit me.  She split me Black and hates me!  I miss her more than anything, because when she wasn't acting out, she was the most loving, caring, perfect wife, in every way... . my dream come true.  She went from praising me as the best father and husband to everyone, to saying she hates my guts, wishes she never met me and wished I was dead!  Then she devalued me finding EVERY negative thing she could (even that I sometimes ate cocoa pebbles!).  She cut me and my entire family out of Facebook and pretends I don't exist.  I have to see her though, because we have a 10 month old daughter (she filed a false restraining order against me, that should be lifted by Thursday).  She didn't even want a separation, just right to divorce.  I WANT HER BACK, but she will not talk of reconciliation.  Is this normal?  Will she come back or change her mind?  What are the odds?

[kfifd196]

My wife was my soulmate, the love of my life.  She moved out and filed for divorce 2 months ago after a rage incident, in which she bit me.  She split me Black and hates me!  I miss her more than anything, because when she wasn't acting out, she was the most loving, caring, perfect wife, in every way... . my dream come true.  She went from praising me as the best father and husband to everyone, to saying she hates my guts, wishes she never met me and wished I was dead!  Then she devalued me finding EVERY negative thing she could (even that I sometimes ate cocoa pebbles!).  She cut me and my entire family out of Facebook and pretends I don't exist.  I have to see her though, because we have a 10 month old daughter (she filed a false restraining order against me, that should be lifted by Thursday).  She didn't even want a separation, just right to divorce.  I WANT HER BACK, but she will not talk of reconciliation.  Is this normal?  Will she come back or change her mind?  What are the odds?

[arn131arn]

I don't know, man. I went through the same thing back in December.

I bet if you ask yourself an honest question, you will say yes.

Are you thinking more about reconciling with her and getting her back than seeing your daughter?

That was me, until I realized how crazy that was. I was literally more concerned about seeing her than I was con concerned about my son.

It's crazy. She tried 2 ROs on me and 1 on my mother.

All I can. Say is to try and be strong for you and take care of your daughter. She needs you now more than ever, and at some point you will decide to let her go. Though painful as it is, everyone has a right to leave a relationship of they don't want it anymore.

I know you love her, as did I, but no one is the end all say all, the bee's knees, you know?

My P asked me "who is Arn without her?" Thinking about that helped me put things in perspective.

I am much much more than she deserved or ever will be. She no longer has control of me and what I do or who I see

[Split black]

My wife was my soulmate, the love of my life.  She moved out and filed for divorce 2 months ago after a rage incident, in which she bit me.  She split me Black and hates me!  I miss her more than anything, because when she wasn't acting out, she was the most loving, caring, perfect wife, in every way... . my dream come true.  She went from praising me as the best father and husband to everyone, to saying she hates my guts, wishes she never met me and wished I was dead!  Then she devalued me finding EVERY negative thing she could (even that I sometimes ate cocoa pebbles!).  She cut me and my entire family out of Facebook and pretends I don't exist.  I have to see her though, because we have a 10 month old daughter (she filed a false restraining order against me, that should be lifted by Thursday).  She didn't even want a separation, just right to divorce.  I WANT HER BACK, but she will not talk of reconciliation.  Is this normal?  Will she come back or change her mind?  What are the odds?

Mine spilt me black 4 times but this last time is going a month of NC. She ended it with me because I caught her cheating ( again ) and confronted her and ripped into her. Her answer was to vanish and never speak to me again and call me every name in the book... . projecting her pathetic soulless personality on to me.  Will she come back... .   not if you chase her. Give her total NC. Thats your only chance.  Even then she may or may not... . it depends on if shes triangulated you. They always have someone in their pocket and someone on the hook... . and of course there primary punching bag.  I dont think I want mine back anymore... .   but If she were to contact me... . I would really have to think. Nothing would ever change. Nothing. I would give her all the power in the relationship and I would again be a doormat with my mouth open like a little bird awaiting her crumbs of affection.   

[myself]

Do you know what triggered her? Was it something you did? Has this been a pattern of hers? She may or may not come back. Are you asking yourself why you would want to be with her after this abuse? How that affects the child you share? If she did come back, would you be able to trust her?

[kfifd196]

I am praying she'll come back, because I love who she is, when she's "normal" and I can take care of our daughter better.  She was mainly triggered by 5 pornographic pictures she found on my computer.  Her last 2 rages were over porn too.  The last 2 porn incidents, were either from guys at work messing with my computer, or I've even thought my wife went on and did it... . maybe for a reaction?  attention?  I'd never seen the pix in the last two incidents, but the first incident was mine.  I love her and have NEVER cheated on her or anyone ever and I don't think she is either.

For whatever reason, porn strikes a cord and DESTROYS her inside, as she's said.  This last one, with the 5 pix, she bit me, hit me with a ladle, while stirring rice and holding our 10month old daughter, getting hot rice on me and the baby and later began hitting her head, with both hands and pulling her hair!  NOTHING justifies that behavior, but in her mind, I'm the bad guy.

I understand the dilema of having her back in my life, but like I said, when she's normal, she's the most caring, affectionate and loving wife!  A dreamgirl!  I thiink if she's medicated she will be a lot better, plus, thanks to this site and reading a lot (stop walking on eggshells, etc) I've learned how to deal with her episodes or issues, so I don't fuel the fire.  Unfortunately, I learned all of this AFTER she left   Her parents pushed the divorce, as they were sad seeing her upset all the time, not knowing (or in denial) that their daughter is undiagnosed BPD.

She has MAJOR trust and insecurity issues, so I don't see her having any amazing relationships in the future, but at least I understand her... . No other guy as been around as long as me... .

[Want2know]

Sorry that you are hurting.  The feeling of loss is a really hard one to work through, especially when the break up is not initiated by us. 

It sounds as if she were to change her mind that you have no hesitation of taking her back.  Has she ever done this before?  Threatened divorce or left for a period of time?

Keeping the thought about your child's welfare is super important right now.  How do you feel about her living with your wife?  Do you have concerns of how this will affect your daughter?

[kfifd196]

Yes, she has "run away" back to her parents house 3 or 4 times, but usually for a period of 1-3 days.  This is 2 months now.  Her parents pushed her to file for divorce because they see her sad and think I am the reason for it, as she blames it all on me.  I can't talk to them or her and I've tried reaching out to them.   She hates me more than anything and it doesn't make sense.  I look back at our arguments and her rages were over porn or even a simple commercial on tv with Jessica Simpson.  In her mind I had sex with them, but I didn't even see the commercial!  Other "major" arguments were because I didn't text her back within 20-30 minutes!  Her parents would see her upset and she'd call me an a-hole and would never see WHY she was upset and that she was causing it herself.  It's always the guy's fault and she's been through MANY relationships.  All she remembers are the arguments and forgot ALL of the good times we had, as if they never existed.

Is there any hope she will come back?

[Pecator]

Boy Kf, I can really seen the pain you are in. Many of us can identify that pain. W2k is right that those of us that have had separation forced on us have different obstacles to overcome. Neither are better or worse, just different.

but at least I understand her... . No other guy as been around as long as me... .

I too knew nothing about BPD until after this last break-up. I am the longest guy to be around (except her ex, but they do not speak) and by far the most emotionally attuned. I am the only one who understands her. But be careful that is a hook. That is my hook.

This past weekend I broke N/C and employed what I learned here. It worked very well and I could see it reached her. But it took soo much of my energy. It took my entire weekend just to get an email saying "Thank-you for the kind words... . nice conversation."

Certainly a break through, no anger or blaming, but certainly disproportionate to the effort it took on my part. It was a great insight to what a relationship would be like if I did give all that I am to get her back.

I hope you put your energy into helping yourself and growing. Your little girl is going to need a happy and healthy dad who can focus his energy on her.

all the best my friend.

[Dutched]

Oh man, I feel your pain! Your unbelief, anger and hurt!  

As so many of us we were dumped in a outburst of a for us normal quarrel.  Not for them…

And I really don’t want to put it in a clinical perspective , but one of the characteristics is “inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger”.

I truly belief she is a wonderful woman, as mine was, for 360 of 365 days a year ( with the minor flaws in between). That’s the hard part , special when having kids! But they switch love to hate in a blink of an eye. Experienced it several times and took a lot of effort (as with you and other here) to get our r/s/ “back on track”

Obviously she painted you more black than ever, she wants a divorce. More her story is  “soothed” by her family.

Blood is so thick… but like others, they do not see (or want to see) the real reason for a sudden break up.

Well, been there too…  and certainly not to fuel your pain, but I tried and tried so hard to get her back ( and I knew about BPD since a few yrs.). No result.

Like you are told now, the total r/s was just  less than average boring, with some moments of happiness, that all she remembered of + 30 yrs. (how more pain can she cause!).

My ex cut people out of her life, did it in her youth with her parents. During the last yrs. of the r/s she begang acting out, never left, but threatened to leave/to end the r/s (but always with avoiding words).

The last time she painted me deep, deep black, filed for divorce and still is (after more than 3 yrs.) in way dissociative, although having a friend now…

It seems your wife acts different, left multiple time, came back within a few days and you “carried on”. However, this time she acts different, painted black, left and now filing for divorce. I think she will persist, how hard it may sound (but really, really hope not for you!).

Please also don’t hold on to your belief that she thinks that you are the only one that truly understand her.

We in fact did, at least speaking for myself as I got her out of that dissociative state, but they keep hurting, boundaries or not, the one closest to them.

Wait, do not pull her back, just nice contact only concerning your child, maybe a cautious “how are you?”

Please don’t start to influence her family, you lose.  

Concentrate on your wellbeing and that of your baby! You have empathy and are a devoted loving husband, just a nice guy! A dad that didn’t abandon his child as garbage because you are “upset”, “couldn’t take it any more”!

[Take2]

kfifd... . my heart aches for you  right now... .   my heart has been really hurting today for me, but your pain sounds so fresh... .   I'm so sorry you are going thru this... .    I have told my ex soo many times that I love him for who he is and that I KNOW who he is, I understand who he is... . that my replacement has no idea who he is ... .   and it's true.  But I think in my ex's mind, he refuses to believe it because he cannot accept the reality of his own abusive behavior. 

He must hold tight to the idea that I am as horrible as he has painted me black.  No matter how much I try to explain it, it just makes him hold tighter to his beliefs.  the reality is that I'd be far better off not to explain anything to him, to just be quiet.  So if you want her back?  Stay no contact.  It likely will not be the better option in the long run, at least going on my own experience, but it is your best chance.  Because in my experience, it never ends until you make it end... .   that said, it will still keep getting worse... .  

[ScotisGone74]

I realize you are hurting right now because you loved this person.    I've been there.    You want her back now because most of the time she is great.     But what about the other times when she is raging?    What happens when her tantrums increase in severity and occur more often?    Are you honestly prepared to deal with years of that and raise a child without any help at times?    These are real questions you need to find an answer to inside yourself.   

[willy45]

Dude.

She bit you. That is physical abuse. Do you really think you deserve that? If she came back, what would change? This isn't your fault. You didn't cause this. If your daughter was in a relationship where her partner bit her, what would you tell your daughter?

I'm sorry you are feeling bad, but maybe her leaving is a good thing for you. You can still have a great relationship with your daughter.

Take care of yourself. Be careful. I know the feelings you are having. I've had them too. I was never physically abused but it certainly came close. The one thought that really propelled me out of the relationship was the thought of me as a child, taking this kind of thing from her. I thought, if my Mom was witnessing this, what would she feel? If my Dad saw this, what would he think? They would both be broken hearted. I never really told them what was going on. I did last year and it crushed my Mom. She feels so terrible about it.

Anyhow, what she did to you pisses me off. Disorder or not. Sorry dude. That just makes me angry.

[kfifd196]

Thank you... . My wife does NOT know, that I "get" her... . I know I'm the only guy, that's stuck around long enough to research it and deal with it this long, because of our daughter.  She didn't have any other kids and wasn't married to anyone else.  I'm the ":)eepest" r/s she's had.  She's out for blood now... . Blames me for everything wrong in the r/s, takes NO responsibility for her actions and justifies them.  Worse, her parents back her up and blame me for her biting me and going into rages.  They actually are convinced I'm trying to provoke her, for whatever reason!  I am a good person, never in trouble with the law, hell, I was never even suspended from school!  And, they're making me out to be a cheater, porn addict and whatever else they dream up!  It's devestating, as I am not a bad person.  She painted me DEEP black and I see she is hurt, but i've been reading back thru her texts, over our r/s and I can't tell you how many times she manipulated me with ultimatums, brought up her trust\abandonment\insecurtiy issues, etc.  She would make a mountain out of a mole hill (i.e. 48 hour argument and her breaking up with me, because I didn't text her in 20 minutes, because I was buying her roses, as a treat).  Then, she'd be upset and blame me, go crying to her parents, and I'm the bad guy... . All because I went to buy her roses... .   I want her back also, because I'm the ONLY chance to get her the help she needs to also protect our daughter.  Everyone else is either in denial or hasn't been close enough to witness her wicked ways.

[Pecator]

kf,

I know exactly where you are at. It is so difficult to break the old patterns. The porn thing sounds so stupid, and yet can be so damaging in the hands of a pwBPD.

This is how the dynamic worked for me. I had been unemployed for over a year. During which her sister who has connections to community groups that help the unemployed, sent me some resources. It was very kind. However, my ex soon painted me black to her entire family. "He is so lazy and disrespectful. He didn't even read the stuff <sister> sent him." It was a very hard time, I already felt powerless, even useless. I bought in to the bad feelings and stuck it out to "show" her I am not that person.

The crazy part? It would have been illegal for me to use those resources or to get a job! I wasn't working because I am lazy and disrespectful. I wasn't working b/c I DID NOT HAVE A WORK PERMIT IN THIS COUNTRY! I stayed here for us. I took an extremely difficult path to try to make this work. Even I lost touch with this reality and took on the guilt and shame she twisted facts to deal out.

As soon as I showed her I wasn't "that person" she built another straw man for me to prove I am not!

That is a very real and dangerous dynamic of BPD


And remember KF,  SHE is the only one that can help her. Not you. Only she can chose to try. And only then would you be of any support.

Your situation seems so far away from this. It doesn't seem you can do anything for her. Not for a long time.

I am with you bud.