Apology

[Stella1425]

What is the thought on asking through text to the BPD in our life to list our faults. Is it a good idea or not. Will it help if we know what they "think" we did. Will it help to know what we actually did and that it had as big of affect as it did?  Was wondering if this may help me and her or if I'm opening a can of worms even if I do not intend to comment on them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear Stella

I think if you are going to ask this question of your dd then you better be prepared to reply... . I am not sure there is any harm with asking... . it is what you plan on doing after you got your answer... . Are you thinking of writing her an apology letter?

[Kate4queen]

Pesonally?

All that ever did was open us up for more hurt and provide my son with an opportunity to rage at us.

I think the more important question here is-what are you hoping to achieve by asking?

Even if you agree that every single thing on your pwBPD's list is your fault, what are you hoping to happen next? Because with my son, if we lay down and agreed that everything was our fault, he'd just kick us when we were down there and add a hundred more things that we'd also done wrong.

Unfortunately, you're not dealing with someone who is logical or reasonable or can have a rational discussion about such issues. You are dealing with someone who has a mental illness and for a lot of pwBPD you will never be able to love them enough, or blame yourself enough because they are like an emotional black hole of need that can never be filled.

Which is terribly sad, but you can't fix that.

You can, of course love that person and tell them that and acknowledge what you've done to cause harm but ultimately you can't change the way a person with BPD thinks, and that's hard to get your head around.

[Stella1425]

I guess I was thinking if they could list what "we've done" it would allow them to put it in words without raging because if would be by text. Then I was hoping I could digest it and yes apologize. At this point she says the same one thing over and over and I have apologized for it. If there is more maybe she could face it and I could know if she really has "made up" most things in her head.I would not tell her that of course.  She frequently uses feelings then facts as I read about in walking on eggshells. But I really think knowing what she feels is went wrong might help?

[qcarolr]

In my experience with my BPDDD27, this would be one gooey, messy can of worms. It would not bring about anything good for either of us.

She would have all this stuff right up in her own mind to ruminate on, and to then need to project back onto me since she cannot own her part of the situation. It could be very very dysregulating for her to respond to this kind of open ended question.

Most likely her response would trigger all my mommy guilt and then I would be needing to process that along with coping with her irrational reply. So I would also become somewhat dysregulated. This impacts others in my family because I get really grumpy if my awareness and self-compassion are slow in coming.

Stella1425 - have you worked through any of the tools and lessons to the right? I think there are some good answers there for this question. The other resource is to read "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr. She has a section that includes advice about how to send an 'apology letter' that has worked with some of our BPD kids.

qcr

[Stella1425]

Qcarolr. Thanks for the info. I in fact just got the Valerie porr book today. Plan on starting it tonight. What you said makes sense. Her ruminating might not be good for her and goodness knows I don't want any grumpy, mine or anyone's.

[Rapt Reader]

Stella1425 

Since you've just made the perfect decision to get "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr, you can find the "apology letter" that qcarolr is mentioning.

It's on page 331, and officially called "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration" in the book, and is the 2nd paragraph down from the top of page 331:

Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

I have used this paragraph, exactly as Valerie Porr wrote it above, 2 separate times in emails with my non-BPD son and his (most likely) undiagnosed BPD wife. The first time, my son responded by ending the no contact that they'd instituted months before; a few months later--since my D-I-L was still no contact with me--I wrote another email just to her, responding to her issues with me that my non-son told me about on the phone. I did use empathy and S.E.T. to discuss the issues first, in the email, but then I ended the email with the paragraph above. That was the 2nd time she saw the exact paragraph, but that next time was when everything broke open for us, and we've had a very good relationship ever since.

That "apology letter" is to open the door to communication, and a better relationship with your daughter. If the door opens, applying Communication using validation and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth for the ongoing relationship, things can get better. "Overcoming BPD" is an excellent resource for you to use to learn these things... . reading those links and that book is a wonderful start for you, Stella1425 

[LittleThings]

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

I said these very words to my BPD dd, (before i got the book) and it was so very helpful. But, since we know this is an illness which is so complex, and takes so much work on both ends (loved ones and person w/BPD) it is not a cure all.

I did find that the statements above opened a door for a bit at the time, allowed my DD to reflect, and allowed me to take some responsibility for being clueless.

I cannot say it has helped my DD behave much differently after that. We still have problems with communication, even though she at times seems as if she has insight into her own problems.

We cannot end her pain and suffering, but we can sympathize. We are learning validation and S.E.T tools, but it's certainly not easy.

[NC312]

"You are dealing with someone who has a mental illness and for a lot of pwBPD you will never be able to love them enough, or blame yourself enough because they are like an emotional black hole of need that can never be filled."

wow. For some reason this really resonates with me. I think I needed to hear it.

I also will use the apology excerpt listed above Valerie Porr's book.

Thanks everyone.

[jeb]

I have countless times in the past apologized, grovelled and begged for forgiveness is more like it, and for a while after she (dd 25 years old) gets mad at her dad (we are divorced), she will come back to me but it takes next to nothing to set her off again.  Just saying the sky is blue can elicit a torrent of rage and resentment and lectures, the non-stop lectures about everything I have done wrong and continue to do wrong as a parent.  We are on a break right now and sometimes I feel that it might be permanent because I have some borderline traits (fear of abandonment and lack impulse control so sometimes respond to her the wrong way because my buttons are being pushed).  I would like to know how to apologize in a sincere fashion without taking all the blame and guilt on my shoulders.  If you can do that, then I can see where an apology would work but you can't become a punching bag which might happen if there is a sense that by your apologizing they have won and were right about you and that you are to blame for everything... .

[qcarolr]

It helps me to think of Valerie Porr's example more as an "acknowledgment" that I am not perfect than as an "apology" for any specific wrong. It is more about communicating my love and care to my BPDDD than to relieve me of my own emotions about feeling guilty.

Kind of like the difference between this being to validate my DD's experience and validating my own experience. I have to find ways to get myself validation as part of my "self-care plan" that is totally detached from my r/s with my DD. Another analogy is that my T is in the session to validate and counsel me. She may get triggered in some way in our sessions - this is where her need for supervision is essential to maintain a healthy r/s with me as a client.  For our sessions to be most effective, my T is good at being attuned to my emotional state -- validation or empathy. And this feels like a safe r/s for me because I know she has somewhere else to go for her own needs.

Does this make any sense?

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders