A very bad decision

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I went to the race... . I knew she would be there but I got in my head that I could handle it. I couldn't bare the thought of sitting home alone while all of our friends we're racing. I registered, I paid, I should be there... . all the crap I told myself. Big mistake, she looked angry to see me there, she didn't say hi. She picked up my registration number but then there was a big hush hush controversy about someone not having a number. She brought along a "new" friend... . Someone she had met right around the time I felt her pulling away. I'm fairly certain at this point that she intended on using my registration for her new friend. Then the after party which I tried to leave but she guilted me to stay. She flip flopped back and forth between trying to get back into my graces and then being angry and indignant when I didn't fall for it. I realized why she pushed for me to stay when I saw her ex was there. She would stand near me every time we saw her. Then the final torture... . I didn't participate in her game so I was tossed aside for anyone who would give her attention. She threw herself at every person she knew. Big hugs like she was so happy to see them. Started catering to her new best friend buying her drinks, doting, flirting right in front of me. Part of me could see right through her. The lies to build herself up... . it was like a transcript of what she did to me... . but I still left there beaten down and overwhelmed with grief. I now know I cannot attend any of the racing events I used to... . It's just not healthy for me to be around her at all.

[Sanity searcher]

I went to the race... . I knew she would be there but I got in my head that I could handle it. I couldn't bare the thought of sitting home alone while all of our friends we're racing. I registered, I paid, I should be there... . all the crap I told myself. Big mistake, she looked angry to see me there, she didn't say hi. She picked up my registration number but then there was a big hush hush controversy about someone not having a number. She brought along a "new" friend... . Someone she had met right around the time I felt her pulling away. I'm fairly certain at this point that she intended on using my registration for her new friend. Then the after party which I tried to leave but she guilted me to stay. She flip flopped back and forth between trying to get back into my graces and then being angry and indignant when I didn't fall for it. I realized why she pushed for me to stay when I saw her ex was there. She would stand near me every time we saw her. Then the final torture... . I didn't participate in her game so I was tossed aside for anyone who would give her attention. She threw herself at every person she knew. Big hugs like she was so happy to see them. Started catering to her new best friend buying her drinks, doting, flirting right in front of me. Part of me could see right through her. The lies to build herself up... . it was like a transcript of what she did to me... . but I still left there beaten down and overwhelmed with grief. I now know I cannot attend any of the racing events I used to... . It's just not healthy for me to be around her at all.

[Want2know]

Part of me could see right through her. The lies to build herself up... . it was like a transcript of what she did to me... . but I still left there beaten down and overwhelmed with grief. I now know I cannot attend any of the racing events I used to... . It's just not healthy for me to be around her at all.

That was a tough test for you.  One that you went through and came out of it with a confirming thought - realizing that seeing her right now still hurts.  

The fact that you could understand what she was doing - seeing through her - is a start.  You may have still had some emotion about it, however, in some way, this is progress.  Learning about BPD here and starting to see the patterns.  The next stage in the detachment process is to use that information and work on not taking her actions personally.  She is who she is and will continue to be this way.  You cannot change her, you can only work on yourself.

We have a workshop here about using your 'wise mind' - meaning, balancing out a situation by using what you know and understanding the emotions that you are experiencing, to make wise choices.  Your post is an example of this - you understood her behavior, you explored your emotions, and you made a decision to not go to the races again.  It doesn't mean this is less painful, eventually it will be.  You can read more about 'wise mind' here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[Sanity searcher]

Thank you Want2know... . The article was helpful and I will continue to learn and try to stay rational... . it's the only thing that's helping me get through right now. I woke up to some very hurtful texts this morning so as much as it hurts I think I will need to block her number and go with no contact.

[LettingGo14]

Thank you Want2know... . The article was helpful and I will continue to learn and try to stay rational... . it's the only thing that's helping me get through right now. I woke up to some very hurtful texts this morning so as much as it hurts I think I will need to block her number and go with no contact.

Sanity searcher, one of the most helpful things I have learned in this community is that "no contact" is a way to draw a boundary for ourselves.  It is an affirmative step (rather than a negative reaction) that says, "I want to be safe.  I want to give myself space to detach, and to heal."   I have a wide range of emotions that keep me "stuck" -- yet "no contact" gives me space to engage in the five stages of detachment -->