14 minutes

[PacifistMom]

Is how long I have to respond to a series of texts regarding things I need to follow up on before he calls frustrated that I haven't answered his texts.

I'm at work. I am looking at his texts at the same moment he calls.

30 minutes later more instructions.

Where do you get your patience? How do you validate that it is frustrating not to get a response while not jumping every time the phone dings?

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[unicorn2014]

Is how long I have to respond to a series of texts regarding things I need to follow up on before he calls frustrated that I haven't answered his texts.

I'm at work. I am looking at his texts at the same moment he calls.

30 minutes later more instructions.

Where do you get your patience? How do you validate that it is frustrating not to get a response while not jumping every time the phone dings?

Put your phone in silent mode?

[yeeter]

Try reading some of the sections on setting boundaries Mom.  It will be scary at first because its likely to trigger blowups.  And he may escalate in all kinds of ways to challenge them.

But at the end of the day, if you are not able to set boundaries for your own health and well being, it will eventually destroy you.

Put your own life vest on first.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, yeeter has it--you can enforce boundaries about contacting him at work.

It is completely in your power to do it, which is the great thing about boundaries.

It will help you immensely.

And most likely, as yeeter said, he escalate things in response.

Hang in there and keep posting here--it really helps!

[waverider]

By comply with demands you reinforce them, thereby making them standard procedure.

Placating is our worse flaw as partners of pwBPD

Placating will never fulfill neediness.

It is simply like one more drink for an alcoholic

Research neediness and how to use boundaries to protect yourself

[an0ught]

Actions speak louder than words.

Often we want to control others through using words e.g. ":)on't interrupt me - my work is important" and later "I told you don't call me. Here is your answer. Don't interrupt me... . "

A much stronger statement would be "I will not be able to help you during xxx time" and later "Oh, it is you. Can't talk right now, this will have to wait until xxx. Bye for now."

I think the work - private life boundary is a very important one. It gives most of us a safe space where we do not have to constantly worry about walking on eggshells and relax in that respect. It is relatively easy to enforce. It provides a time interval during most days where the pwBPD has to cope alone and not rely on us to provide validation or the manipulation of us (often through invalidation) to provide a quick fix emotional response.

[PacifistMom]

Boundaries are definitely hard.

I have already set the one about going through my phone a month or two ago, and he did it again (to check on details of conversations I had with my brother - again - after yet another fight about how I put my family first) - so I changed the passcode on my phone the other day. I am not sure when he noticed but he woke up at 4 am to tell me how done he is how I've sucked him dry how I'm secretive and only care about my family (i.e. not him or my daughter but my parents and brothers) and that it's time for him to move back home (a few thousand miles away).

So when I called him late today I figured out it came down to the phone passcode because after we talked he called back and left a message that I hadn't even justified the passcode change.

How do I not jade here and how do I enforce the phone boundary (although I changed back my code - I kept forgetting the new one)? How do I not justify when he is demanding that I justify it?

[waverider]

 I guess the problem is the reason you changed the password could be either as a result  of him not respecting your privacy or some other furtive reason. I think it is probably one of those boundary action that at least needs a statement as to why.

He still wont accept it. He has kicked up a stink and you changed it back, regardless of reasons he will read that as a success at overriding your attempts at boundaries. I would not change it back, but to something you can remember easily.

I like to think of boundary forming as a single use bridge. You think carefully where you place it, once you cross it then it collapses behind you so there is no going back and no further crossing

[Grey Kitty]

PacifistMom,

Having privacy with your phone (i.e. not telling him the code so he can snoop) is a boundary.

If you want to do this (and it sounds like  a good choice in your situation!), just do it.

Short and simple. Just say "I have the right to having the privacy of how I use my phone. I'm not telling you the code."

Then refuse to engage in an argument about it. Here's the critical bit: You probably can't convince him that you are right to do this. (Afterall he found out by trying to snoop!) If you try you will JADE all over the place. Instead all you have to convince him is that you *did* it.

He can accept your action... . or he can turn to verbal abuse to get you to change. (I 'spose he could negotiate reasonably on this, but that isn't very likely with a pwBPD)  In that case, just enforce your boundaries of not sticking around for abusive conversations.

Decide if it is what you need... . then go for it.

[PacifistMom]

Thanks wave rider. The passcode had not been part of my boundary and I had not prepared him for it, I did it angrily after seeing a conversation with my brother half viewed. So with many fights about secrecy cheating and whatnot lately I guess to him that is a breach of trust, he says he would never lock me out that he trusts and why should I want to hide anything.

How do I offer a statement about this without it being jading? And I didn't really want to lock him out of my phone but I don't like him digging for ammunition

The extremes are so exhausting. Always leaving me. And totally unwilling to admit to anything wrong with him --- other than his staying ... .

I am listening to Stop Walking on Eggshells audiobook and it says often for them to get help it takes a huge jolt like losing someone or in the case of the girl who wrote the autobiography about living with BPD, seeing terror in her sons eyes. Did your wife get help? Did it take a "huge jolt?"

[Grey Kitty]

The "E" in JADE is explain.

It is very hard to say why without doing this.

So don't bother with the "why" part.

Side question: Do you actually snoop into his phone and see who he's talking to or txting with?

Assuming you do this, all you need to convince him is that you aren't letting him into your phone.

Same thing as talking to your brother or txting your brother--you don't have to tell him why you do it, just that you will do it.

I know I'm making it sound easy... . and I know that he will do everything he can to make it hard for you. Stay strong!

[waverider]

As GK says you dont have to justify why, but it is better you tell him you have done it so that you don't appear sneaky about it.

if you want to say something without fear of JADEing, think of one sentence and say it. Dont answer any further questions it.

It is always better if you think about boundaries first, what they mean to you, why and where is the line in the sand? What you are going to do about it. Trying to think of them in the moment, or reactively, will see you trying to enact weak boundaries.

You have to believe in your own boundaries so that you are not questioning iof you are being harsh afterwards. Most are based around constant infringements so you have plenty of time to think about them.

Don't try too many, teaching someone you actually do have boundaries is the first aim.

[yeeter]

Great advice in this thread.  And it IS hard.  It does sound easy, which in concept it is.  But when all the emotions are high and the accusations flying and the tantrums happening, it's hard to think clearly and be calm and consistent.

Don't try too many, teaching someone you actually do have boundaries is the first aim.

It will get easier as you get more comfortable with it.  Likely it will get worse first, then better.  And part of this is learning for yourself, that 1) you really can set a boundary and 2) ultimately in the long run it will be ok and you will remain a couple.

Fear of losing 2 frequently causes us to cave, which simply reinforces the pattern (the other one is simply being too exhausted to deal with the tantrum and just giving in to gain relief... . Better to disengage and go do something else when you are feeling it)

No jade needed.  Done deal.  You did it.  He is going to have to come to grips with it.