So sad and mad today

[SKyDancer]

I just need to vent.

Today is a horrible day.  I'm so sad!

Why couldn't she just believe that I love her?  Why couldn't she listen to me and discuss things like adults?  Why was it necessary to play such push/pull games?  The constant anger and every day reasons for being miserable?

Why couldn't we just be happy?

Constant control yet no near/long term planning, constant set ups to claim victim, day to day chaos.

Somehow incapable of doing anything right but yet uninterested in learning, pretending to be dumb when you have a Masters degree.

She says she loves me and wishes by some miracle we could work it out.  A Miracle?  How about a concrete effort? How about admitting there's a problem and committing to a solution?

Here we are, living together, hiding from each other. Afraid.

Now I'm told I need to speed up the divorce process.

Love... .

[Stuffie]

Hugs! We've all been there. It's hard to wrap your own mind around how they think.

[oldweasel]

SKyDancer,

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day, just wanted you to know that. My heart goes out to you.

[SKyDancer]

Thanks for the support,

I really don't get it.  I was her biggest supporter but yet was constantly getting punished.

The worse part? She knows what's wrong, she's told me.  But every time she takes the wall down to be honest, she puts the wall right back up and unleashes unholy hell on me.

It's so sad.  She has someone who completely gets her, whom she openly admits know her better than she knows herself.  Why can't she give up the angry defense mechanism and work on happiness?

Argh!

[growing_wings]

I really don't get it.  I was her biggest supporter but yet was constantly getting punished.

hi skydancer

for a while i thought the same was as you described above. I was hurt because i knew i was the only one who supported her no matter what, NO matter what i was there. What i got in return? a ton of abuse and when things go sour, i got exiled... she made best friends with people she told me she "despised" and got a substitute that was an old recycle... i was hurt ! very hurt... .   it felt soo unfair!

however, we must understand why we feel this way. Supporting others should be done without expecting in return... i discovered that i linked my happiness to helping others, to support others, and my ex fed on this big time. i am learning that is ok to support others as long as i dont link that to be happy myself... . they might take the support or not, and i cant feel like i need something back... .

maybe my experience does not relate to yours. What is the part that causes you more pain in knowing you supported her and loved her deeply to only get punished?

[SKyDancer]

I believe in helping others.  I've always been there to help anyone in need.

Yes, I absolutely feed on it.  As a matter of fact, looking back, most everyone around me has or still is someone who "needs" support.

I've been very successful in helping many if not most.

Why does it hurt?  Maybe I was hoping I could "fix" things and have a forever loyal lover.  I got quite the opposite.

How do you get rid of this need?  What if this need comes from believing that everyone is born to help others?  That karma comes from helping those in need?

[growing_wings]

How do you get rid of this need?  What if this need comes from believing that everyone is born to help others?  That karma comes from helping those in need?

helping others is great! as long as you DON'T link this to your happiness. I can see you are a great person who really wants to help, but you need to keep boundaries so you look after yourself properly.

In my experience (and this might differ to yours), i had to understand that helping others gave a sense of satisfaction which in a way make me "distract" myself from my own needs, helping others and seeing them happy was a way for me to feel useful, worthy... . and is ok, what is the issue with that? if others dont thank me, or dont appreciate me, then i feel i was not useful! and got resented they didnt see this after all the help i had given... .

now i am working hard at making sure i feel worthy and happy with myself first... i still help others, but i dont feel shattered when they dont get the help or when they dont thank me... .  

i have worked with my therapist on this... .  but every case is different.

good analyss you make, regarding people around you needing support. Dont stop that! but question why are you doing this really... .

[Lucky Jim]

I was her biggest supporter but yet was constantly getting punished.

Hey SkyDancer, I think you have put your finger on what I regard as one of the paradoxes of BPD, such as:

A pwBPD fears abandonment, but will push you away hard;

A pwBPD wants love, but will behave in unloving fashion towards you;

A pwBPD seeks peace, but will create chaos for you;

I could go on, but you get the idea!  LuckyJim

[bpdspell]

Yes BPD love is a paradox but its unhealthy, toxic and draining. For both parties. BPD is called a mental illness for a reason. People with this disorder are emotionally stunted and severely compromised in their emotional maturity. In order for them to improve this they need intensive psychological counseling and they need to want this for themselves. Love from other people cannot "fix", "mend", or "repair" this disorder.

It took me well over a year before I could accept that my BPDexbf was a child trapped in an adult's body. And to a large degree so was I. Denial and not being accepting of what was was a powerful coping mechanism for me. I wanted so bad for this "powerful force" of love to work but it couldn't because my ex was broken way before I came into the picture. I wanted him to get help for me. I wanted him fixed so that he could continue to be "the source" of my happiness. My worth was connected to his getting better. But my thinking about love and how it worked was really twisted.

Your frustration and your anger is a part of the unraveling process. There are many components to understanding this toxic dance and a lot has to be unpacked before our participation in this relationship can be fully understood. For myself I had to unpack a lot of rage. Rage that I never knew lived inside me. The well spring of emotion seems unbearable at first but with time things will get better.

I'm sorry your hurting but our ex's are not the keys to our happiness.

Spell

[Sunny Side]

It took me well over a year before I could accept that my BPDexbf was a child trapped in an adult's body. And to a large degree so was I. Denial and not being accepting of what was was a powerful coping mechanism for me. I wanted so bad for this "powerful force" of love to work but it couldn't because my ex was broken way before I came into the picture. I wanted him to get help for me. I wanted him fixed so that he could continue to be "the source" of my happiness. My worth was connected to his getting better. But my thinking about love and how it worked was really twisted.

Your frustration and your anger is a part of the unraveling process. There are many components to understanding this toxic dance and a lot has to be unpacked before our participation in this relationship can be fully understood. For myself I had to unpack a lot of rage. Rage that I never knew lived inside me. The well spring of emotion seems unbearable at first but with time things will get better.

I'm sorry your hurting but our ex's are not the keys to our happiness.

Preach! 

[Aussie0zborn]

Why couldn't she just believe that I love her? 

Because she doesn't love herself and she knows how this is going to turn out.

I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma. I don't believe there is anything you could have done to change it.

[SKyDancer]

Thank you everyone for your support.

As all of you know, it's a very difficult and confusing situation.

Today? She barely says more than hi and bye.

Silence.

The hardest part is resisting the urges to start texting her to talk about our real issues and how to make things better.

[janey62]

The hardest part is resisting the urges to start texting her to talk about our real issues and how to make things better.

That says to me that you're having trouble accepting that your real issues are that she is not who you think she is, she has a mental illness and you have a fantasy... . none of that can be made better by you no matter how much you wish it.  The only thing you can do is to let go of that fantasy.

I know how that is, have been in that place myself.  When I first came onto this site I was bargaining like crazy, thinking that all the people on here who were being described were not quite like my pwBPD, that he was somehow  not as bad, that he really was the love of my life, the person who knew me best, that he could and would get well miraculously and that I would be happy again... .

Sadly I now have to accept that he is as sick as all the others and that his behaviour towards me was unloving, uncaring and unacceptable, and that my accepting it for so long was my sickness.

Keep resisting the temptation to try to 'work it out' and every day the FOG will lift a little more. I know it has for me.

Last night, after a few days of blissful silence from him, he sent me an email.  It said, 'I know you have cut me off but I just have to tell you how much I miss you and love you.  I miss you like crazy!'   I have ignored his last couple of emails having tried and failed miserably to have limited contact.  After his last little trap setting series of emails where I got battered, I told him I wanted him to stop contacting me.  And to be fair he managed for a couple of days... .

When I read this last night I thought, why?  Why do you have to tell me?  It hurts me so much and you just don't care as long as you get to pour it out of you; you have no ability to care that it's hurting me.  So I have now blocked his emails, something I didn't think I could do!

I am sick of being hurt... . sick to my stomach 

Enough!

Janey

[nj413]

I relate with you. I am currently in the fantasy stage. I feel like love can prevail. My mind tells me otherwise, but my heart tells me to go for it. My heart tells me that I love her and i will love her no matter the way she treats me. She hasn't talked to me really in the last three weeks. I have been the one trying to hold on. The phase I believe I am going through right now is I am bad in her eyes. I left her last month and she had to go back to her family. She communicated that she is embarrassed by having to answer her family's questions about me. The only reason i could think she would be embarrassed is because she knows she might have done something wrong but never will admit it. I hold onto the little things she does to show that she cares. In reality, I know that I am probably way better off not having to prove my love and worthiness. I feel like its constant. When I start to think about no future with her I become really sad. I sad because I loved all the good times. I become angry because I wish she could just see how much she means to me. I wish she knew that I truly care and I am willing to go through a lot for her. She doesn't see it or at least she doesn't let me know.  I shared because I wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone in the way you feel. I really don't have advice because I am right there with you... .

[heartandwhole]

SkyDancer,

This is really painful, and I'm sorry you are going through it.  It really hurts to watch a loved one reject our love and caring.  You've had some great advice in this thread.  Have you checked out the 10 Beliefs that Keep Us Stuck? Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

It was a life-saver for me.

Keep posting, we're listening. 

[Split black]

SkyDancer,

This is really painful, and I'm sorry you are going through it.  It really hurts to watch a loved one reject our love and caring.  You've had some great advice in this thread.  Have you checked out the 10 Beliefs that Keep Us Stuck? Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

It was a life-saver for me.

Keep posting, we're listening. 

I need to tape that that article to the inside of my eyeballs. I read it again for the 50th time.

[SKyDancer]

The hardest part is resisting the urges to start texting her to talk about our real issues and how to make things better.

That says to me that you're having trouble accepting that your real issues are that she is not who you think she is, she has a mental illness and you have a fantasy... . none of that can be made better by you no matter how much you wish it.  The only thing you can do is to let go of that fantasy.

Janey

The reason why this is so hard is because she knows there's something wrong.  She's told me on multiple occasions.  She has shown me that little girl inside that's hurting.

That's who I'm attached to, that little person who is so afraid to live life.  If only she could get rid of the fears that control her... .

[growing_wings]

It took me well over a year before I could accept that my BPDexbf was a child trapped in an adult's body. And to a large degree so was I. Denial and not being accepting of what was was a powerful coping mechanism for me. I wanted so bad for this "powerful force" of love to work but it couldn't because my ex was broken way before I came into the picture. I wanted him to get help for me. I wanted him fixed so that he could continue to be "the source" of my happiness. My worth was connected to his getting better. But my thinking about love and how it worked was really twisted.

spell... what you write above not only described you... it also describes the way i used to think... .   beautifully written! thanks