Self-inquiry and moving on

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's easy to start with the other person, identifying their dysfunctions and saying "if only... . " so and so did not do x, y, or z.

It's also easy to shoulder all the blame, asking "what if... . " I did x, y, or z.

I'm done assigning & accepting "blame."

Instead, here are the questions I'm now asking and answering for myself:

1. Why was I "stuck" in this relationship?   

I knew it was dysfunctional every time I reacted to an action that perplexed me (e.g., push/pull and shame/blame).   I knew that the ground beneath our feet was fundamentally unstable (due to the abandonment/engulfment dance).   I also felt that my ex-girlfriend wanted to rip open the control panel to me and feel like she had control. I became dependent on the relationship.  I got my "fix" with intermittent "wins."

The bottom line is that I met this woman following a difficult & cold marriage. Initially, I felt really good about myself (in the mirror) and I felt a "cosmic" connection ("soul mates".    I did, however, start to put space between us when I felt my buttons pushed, and boundaries invaded, and sense of safety eroding.

Fundamentally - if I had had a more developed "real self" I would have ended the relationship there.   I would have realized that (a) I needed more time post-divorce to re-establish my core values and re-engage my "real" self, and (b) that I should not be responsible for another adult's self or happiness.

When she started to make her unhappiness all about what I was doing or not doing, I should have stood up, thanked her for sharing time with me, and walked out the door.

I did not.

Instead, over the four years of dramatic cycle and recycle, I gave myself away.   And I ended up like a drug addict, weeping in the corner for another fix.

Sad, but true.

2.  What do I value?  Where do I go from here?

No contact is slowly starting to reinforce my view that I can be okay alone.  Yes, I am haunted by questions:  Is she still single?  Am I replaced?  Will someone else make her happier than I did?

However, if I'm really honest with myself, I end up asking, "Why does it matter?"  Whatever I wanted her to give me, I can give myself.    And, when I re-connect with what I truly value, I know - in my heart of hearts - that I will connect with another human being who I can create a partnership with.

I am making a list of core values.   I want to "be" the person I want to "attract."  I don't want to outsource my well-being to another human being.  And, I don't want to assume another adult's well-being.

This journey is no longer about her.  It's no longer about us.   It's simply about me learning, the hard way, that I can and will stand on my own two feet.

Zen quote:  "Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you can start."

What are other questions for self-inquiry that you ask yourself?

[LettingGo14]

It's easy to start with the other person, identifying their dysfunctions and saying "if only... . " so and so did not do x, y, or z.

It's also easy to shoulder all the blame, asking "what if... . " I did x, y, or z.

I'm done assigning & accepting "blame."

Instead, here are the questions I'm now asking and answering for myself:

1. Why was I "stuck" in this relationship?   

I knew it was dysfunctional every time I reacted to an action that perplexed me (e.g., push/pull and shame/blame).   I knew that the ground beneath our feet was fundamentally unstable (due to the abandonment/engulfment dance).   I also felt that my ex-girlfriend wanted to rip open the control panel to me and feel like she had control. I became dependent on the relationship.  I got my "fix" with intermittent "wins."

The bottom line is that I met this woman following a difficult & cold marriage. Initially, I felt really good about myself (in the mirror) and I felt a "cosmic" connection ("soul mates".    I did, however, start to put space between us when I felt my buttons pushed, and boundaries invaded, and sense of safety eroding.

Fundamentally - if I had had a more developed "real self" I would have ended the relationship there.   I would have realized that (a) I needed more time post-divorce to re-establish my core values and re-engage my "real" self, and (b) that I should not be responsible for another adult's self or happiness.

When she started to make her unhappiness all about what I was doing or not doing, I should have stood up, thanked her for sharing time with me, and walked out the door.

I did not.

Instead, over the four years of dramatic cycle and recycle, I gave myself away.   And I ended up like a drug addict, weeping in the corner for another fix.

Sad, but true.

2.  What do I value?  Where do I go from here?

No contact is slowly starting to reinforce my view that I can be okay alone.  Yes, I am haunted by questions:  Is she still single?  Am I replaced?  Will someone else make her happier than I did?

However, if I'm really honest with myself, I end up asking, "Why does it matter?"  Whatever I wanted her to give me, I can give myself.    And, when I re-connect with what I truly value, I know - in my heart of hearts - that I will connect with another human being who I can create a partnership with.

I am making a list of core values.   I want to "be" the person I want to "attract."  I don't want to outsource my well-being to another human being.  And, I don't want to assume another adult's well-being.

This journey is no longer about her.  It's no longer about us.   It's simply about me learning, the hard way, that I can and will stand on my own two feet.

Zen quote:  "Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you can start."

What are other questions for self-inquiry that you ask yourself?

[DreamGirl]

I really enjoy reading what you write, LettingGo14. I like your questions so far, especially the one that says "now what?" That's my therapist's favorite question of all.

I should have stood up, thanked her for sharing time with me, and walked out the door.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

I tend to see these situations and relationships as some pretty important life lessons... . and regret doesn't usually help us a whole lot in this.

You learned from it. You see her part and you see your part. You've made a decision to worry more about your part. That's a really good step.

I often times say that the pwBPD in my life is one of my greatest gifts (my greatest pain in the rear end too, but whatever). She opened my eyes... . to me.

I was walking around lying to myself for a really long time and I don't how much longer it might have taken for me to finally start being honest had I not had her in my life.

So to answer your request of another question you might ask is "Who am I anyways? What is it that I love?".

I lost myself too in a marriage. It's been a real journey for me to try and answer that question(s)... .  

[LettingGo14]

I was walking around lying to myself for a really long time and I don't how much longer it might have taken for me to finally start being honest had I not had her in my life.

So to answer your request of another question you might ask is "Who am I anyways? What is it that I love?".

I lost myself too in a marriage. It's been a real journey for me to try and answer that question(s)... .  

Thank you DreamGirl.   It wasn't until I found the shared experiences in this community that I realized (a) I wasn't alone, and (b) there is a way "out" -- or better yet, "back" home.

I was so lost. 

Your questions are great.   I started by listing activities (biking, surfing, sailing) but have tried to go deeper as well with things I love (intellectual curiosity, zen, self-awareness, generosity). 

It's a journey for sure.   I am grateful to be part of this community.

[seeking balance]

You really are doing some hard core self analysis LettingGo 

I don't have questions I ask of myself those big deep questions so much these days, but I do have to work at staying mindful of my own emotional state.  "Letting Go" is still a daily thing for me - whether is is in accepting my own emotions, outcomes or someone else.  I can get tightly wound and it comes out sideways at times ... . my own emotional needs can get pushed to the side by me.

Gratitude is a practice now and it wasn't before, not in the little things.

When I heard the Linehan phrase (actually it was Kara from Buddha and the Borderline quoting Linehan), "a life worth living".  That struck me deeply in terms of what that really looks like for me.  Daily creating a life that is mindful and consistent with my values is where I am now.  Some days I am better than others - that is ok (most of the time)