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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Panic Attacks When Ex Contacts Me  (Read 7478 times)
FindPeace
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« on: April 02, 2014, 02:26:17 PM »

I have my ex blocked on email, phone, text, etc. Solid no contact. It's been almost two years, the only contact has been involuntary when she would approach me in public and I'd tell her to go away. Today I noticed in my call blocker that she tried to call me again recently. Every time this happens I'm gripped with hours of anxiety or panic that nothing seems to stop. I get incredibly paranoid and can't stop wondering why she wants to talk to me and if she's going to try to sabotage another part of my life. I wish she'd either stop trying to contact me, or that I didn't feel this paranoia and anxiety every time she tries to talk to me. It's horrible. I'm sitting here in tears, hands shaking, and apart from the fact that it just feels horrible, it is embarrassing that I let someone emotionally screw me up so badly. I wish I knew how to make the anxiety and panic attacks stop. I know breaking no contact will just make it worse, because telling her to stop contacting me will just be a triumph for her as I'll have finally responded to her. Do any of you get this kind of anxiety? How do you deal with it?
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willy45
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« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2014, 02:51:41 PM »

Oh man. I know exactly how you feel. For me, it's been 1.5 years. Every time she contacts, I freak out. Exactly the same way as you. I seriously loose it. This happened to me about 2 weeks ago and like a complete idiot, I answered the call. I wish I hadn't. Read my post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221989.msg12409194#msg12409194

So, my suggestions is to just deal with it and let it pass. I was doing good until I talked to her. Now I'm back to square 1. My stomach is in turmoil. I ache like the day I dumped her, maybe even worse. It just doesn't make any sense. It really, really set me back. Not worth it at all. Nothing good came out of it. All I learned was that she wanted me to be her best friend again (we were never friends), that she will never find someone who understands her like I do (but that she isn't 'available' so can't be with me), that I am her soul mate, that she thinks about constantly, that she misses me like crazy. Talk about a mind F*CK. Then she ripped into me for all the things that I did to her that was wrong and how terrible our relationship was (the second worse except with her abusive alcolohic ex).

So, Don't do it. Breath. Get away. don't respond.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2014, 12:13:02 PM »

Hi FindPeace,

That is really difficult to go through, and many members can relate, including me, but on a much smaller scale, judging from your descriptions.  It does sound like possible PTSD symptoms, but I'm no expert, of course.

Do you have any history of panic attacks or anxiety? Are you currently in therapy? 

I think that would be the best place to explore these reactions, if you have access.  For me, focusing on physical sensations when they are there is helpful.  They do move and dissipate when there is less resistance, in my experience. If you have a supportive friend who would be willing to sit with you during these tough times, it can help to have a non-judgmental "witness" with us, before we ultimately become that witness for our own feelings.

Hang in there, these feelings will pass.  We're here for you.
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« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2014, 09:54:50 AM »

I agree with heart. This has happened to me too. Most likely PTSD from all of the relationship trauma. It's the mind/bodies learned response to the craziness that you encountered that probably was more severe than anything you'd ever experienced before. So, the neuropathways have been established in your brain that way now when dealing/being reminded/or reconnecting with this high conflict person/situation. It's a "learned fear response" now. Seeking counseling to unlearn some of this and to develop more positive neuropathways and response can be quite helpful. Also, occasionally, anti anxiety medication has helped me (for maybe 1 to 3 days or less).
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FindPeace
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« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2014, 05:43:36 PM »

Thanks for the thoughts and advice, all.

I agree about the neuropathways, and thanks for the reminder about that. It also actually would explain why I've never fully come out of the depression that the whole relationship created. And based on everything I've read, I do have PTSD.

I'm not in therapy any more. I kept seeing therapists when I was still in the relationship who made me feel worse. I was asking for help because I was suicidal due to the emotional abuse, and because I didn't know how to get away from my significant other, and the therapists kept making me feel like it all was my fault. "I need help, I'm experiencing suicidal ideation every day and I don't know how to get away from this person" was responded to with "tell me about your childhood" type questions, or a general skepticism that the emotional/mental abuse was that bad (the same response I was getting from most of my friends, who she was in the process of seducing into being her friend and not mine.) So now I'm leery. Plus it's expensive, and I'm concerned about going to just any old sliding scale therapist who will thrust me right back into self-doubt. People really do not seem to understand how terribly these relationships can affect a person. To be honest, I'm proud of myself for getting through all that alive.

Those are my excuses. I'm scared of therapists making me feel worse and I'm scared of the price tag. This thread has made me realize that it's probably very important that I find a way to make this work, however, maybe with a therapist who has experience in this specific thing, even if I have to take on a second job to pay for it. My well being is worth fighting for.
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FindPeace
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« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2014, 05:46:35 PM »

Oh man. I know exactly how you feel. For me, it's been 1.5 years. Every time she contacts, I freak out. Exactly the same way as you. I seriously loose it. This happened to me about 2 weeks ago and like a complete idiot, I answered the call. I wish I hadn't. Read my post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221989.msg12409194#msg12409194

So, my suggestions is to just deal with it and let it pass. I was doing good until I talked to her. Now I'm back to square 1. My stomach is in turmoil. I ache like the day I dumped her, maybe even worse. It just doesn't make any sense. It really, really set me back. Not worth it at all. Nothing good came out of it. All I learned was that she wanted me to be her best friend again (we were never friends), that she will never find someone who understands her like I do (but that she isn't 'available' so can't be with me), that I am her soul mate, that she thinks about constantly, that she misses me like crazy. Talk about a mind F*CK. Then she ripped into me for all the things that I did to her that was wrong and how terrible our relationship was (the second worse except with her abusive alcolohic ex).

So, Don't do it. Breath. Get away. don't respond.

Thank you. You're right. Whatever reason she is using to contact me, it's solely so that she can find a way in so that she can attack me again. No reason is so important that it's worth feeling all that horror again.
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willy45
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« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2014, 06:13:46 PM »

Good for you man. I guess my only suggestion is to just deal with the anxiety and don't beat yourself up about it. As I said in my post, I have been basically NC for an entire year. She would text and call and email and I would totally freak out, like you do. But, my main way of coping was to put off responding and just deal with the anxiety and panic. In a way, that feeling can be your friend. It is telling you: STAY AWAY. It's probably the same feeling you would get if you fell off a cliff and then was forced to stand on the same cliff again. You would start freaking out. And that would be a way for your body and mind to tell you: STAY AWAY FROM THE CLIFF.

If I could suggest anything (and I wish I had done this myself) is to embrace the anxiety. Don't feel bad about it. It will pass. Don't beat yourself up. This isn't really something you can control. In some ways, if you can't control it but you can listen to it, then maybe you will learn that this is a the healthy, good part of you screaming its brains out at you to not respond. Who cares about what others might think and such. It will get better and it will go away.

As for moi, I made the mistake of not listening to that voice and boom, my life is an absolute mess again. I lost about 5 pounds, have been smoking like chimney, and have been ignoring really important things in my life and work that I know is going to come kick me in the ass. Furthermore, I made some really bad mistakes on the call.

1) I told her how her contact made me feel. She didn't care and probably LOVED to hear it. I'm angry at myself that I gave her any satisfaction at all. But, at the same time, who cares. She can have it. How she feels does not impact me.

2) She now knows a bunch of stuff I'm working on. She kind of works in the same area with the same people (even though we didn't when we broke up). The stuff I'm working on is super high level, high profile work in the US government and something she knows a lot about. She texted me last week asking if she could call me to pick my brains about how she could leverage my work for hers. I did not respond. I mean. Come on. She is pushing her way into my life. Push. Push. Push. This project I'm working on is the MOST important thing that has ever happened to me in terms of my career and my life's work. It is awesome. And now she's trying to push her way into it. Now I'm terrified she will be at the launch of the project which makes me not want to go. But it sucks for me to not be there as the F'ing President of the United States is launching it. BLAH! The biggest accomplishment of my life and she can't just let me have it. I now feel like everywhere I turn on this project, she is looming over it, tarnishing my enjoyment of it. This is a once in a lifetime thing.

So, anyways... . the moral of the story. Stay the F away. Don't worry about the panic and anxiety. You are strong enough, obviously, to get over them and let them fade.

As for me, I let my curiosity get the best of me. Do I still love my ex? Yes. Would I rather that I never hear about her or from her ever again for the rest of my life? ABSOLUTELY.

I was doing totally fine before I talked to her. Now I'm back in the mud. What does she want? I have no idea, really. I don't trust her. I don't trust that she even knows. All I can say is that she wants me. And not in the sexy way. She wants to truly control and own me. She doesn't care one bit about my well-being. That is clear. If she did, she would have understood what I meant when I said that her calling hurts me, that it makes me long for her again, that it breaks my heart into a million pieces again. That was NOT SMART of me to say. But it was the truth. I was hoping that the truth about how it made me feel would get across to her and she would show some empathy. But no. All it did was embolden her. I texted her after we hung up and said that this is breaking my heart and I felt overwhelming sadness. Her response: I'm so happy that we are moving forward with our friendship. I miss my best friend. I can't wait to see you. And then her last text about working her way into my project and saying we should really connect.

So, yup. That is totally insane. Especially in light of other things she said to me such as 'I will never find anyone who understands me like you do' 'I thought of you as my soul mate and still do' 'You are on my mind all the time and I think about you every day' 'You inspire me' 'You are my best friend in the whole world' 'I love you'.

Stay away dude. If you can, just look at it as another example of a person who has no regard for your boundaries. That's what I used to do. And although I wasn't 100% happy in life, things were moving along in a really, really exciting direction.

Peace man. Hope you are feeling better.
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coolioqq
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« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2014, 10:05:48 PM »

All I learned was that she wanted me to be her best friend again (we were never friends), that she will never find someone who understands her like I do (but that she isn't 'available' so can't be with me), that I am her soul mate, that she thinks about constantly, that she misses me like crazy. Talk about a mind F*CK. Then she ripped into me for all the things that I did to her that was wrong and how terrible our relationship was (the second worse except with her abusive alcolohic ex).

So, Don't do it. Breath. Get away. don't respond.

This sounds SO FAMILIAR. Once I went NC, she told me the same thing, although in a very characteristic way (based on what she knew about me) that she counted on so badly that it would work. Like you said, it's all mind F*CK.

OP, probably the best policy: walk away, full NC
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coolioqq
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« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2014, 10:09:38 PM »

To be honest, I'm proud of myself for getting through all that alive.

This tells me much about you, about me, and about all others on the Leaving board. We are healing better than we think we do.

By the way, I am reading a book which name I cannot disclose because it is the author's will not to do so. It is helping me tremendously in reconstructing my consciousness. It hurst me that I cannot disclose the name of it, but it is one of those books that will find you when you are ready. it found me!
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coolioqq
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« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2014, 10:11:36 PM »

Today I noticed in my call blocker that she tried to call me again recently. Every time this happens I'm gripped with hours of anxiety or panic that nothing seems to stop.

Same here. Except for the last time this weekend. It went away quicker than I thought it would. Something will just click back into place for you soon, and she will be a bad memory, like that pizza that gave you some belly pain a couple years back, remember? You probably don't... . You won't remember much of her either
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Happy1
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« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2014, 01:09:49 AM »

Hey FindPeace,

Same thing happened to me more than 25 yrs. ago when I was involved with my uBPDex too. I had one good counselor who was an older guy who hung with me, but my anxiety and depression got really bad as she claimed I physically abused and assaulted her openly to everyone in my college sphere (classic distortion campaign tactics she used after having joined our group because she screwed everyone otherwise none of the other guys had ever even noticed her prior). I was ostracized terribly, by my so called friends. So, I voluntarily presented one day at a local hospital emergency room because of my suicide idea caused by all of this at the time. Later that day I was wisked away to a regional mental health facility where I was locked up for a mental health evaluation because a hospital shrink told me he wanted to teach me a lesson about men physically abusing women and then feeling guilty about their abuse. I had a less than 10 min. conversation with that jerk and then he felt the best medicine for me was more extreme punishment. Ugh! It's still painful to even think I survived it. Like I said, I had one great psychologist who saw through everything and hung with me. Without him, I probably would have killed myself.

Again, this was 25 yrs ago. I made it! I'm not sure how I was able to unlearn and rethink about myself, her, and life, but I did it. Discovering BPD in 2002 was a blessing and then utilizing this site has helped tons too. Back in the day, nobody really knew or diagnosed BPD, much less how to treat them or their victims.

My latest counselor that I saw several years ago was aghast at what had happened to me and easily diagnosed PTSD. Knowing that too also helped me to overcome some of this too. I've had a couple of relapses in the last 10 yrs. of working through the pain and still putting the relationship in the right perspective. I haven't dated anyone in 20 yrs. since the subsequent girlfriends too where notorious high conflict individuals. I miss the intimacy, but know I need to learn first about me and my choices before I attempt another relationship.

The good news is, I achieve a big break through I feel this last year and have finally likely worked through most everything and am ready to likely date again sometime soon. Feeling really pretty good these days, but it's been a long process. I'm now over 50, with no kids, wife or family, but I don't care. I had to get this damaging relationship, family issues and upbringing, etc. straight first. Today, I look forward to having a wonderful rest of my life, but I know where my pain is, triggers are and can live fully now.

My words to you are. Keep working on yourself. It will resolve with your willingness to change things. The scars will always be there and might even linger at times, but accept that and keep working to love yourself.
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Happy1
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« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2014, 01:43:17 AM »

FindPeace,

Also, while I'm thinking about it, I've seen my life as being in two distinct realms, before the BPD girlfriend and after. Before, I was pretty well grounded and cruising along in life "okay", then after her, my life/world was totally upended. The good thing is, my depression and anxiety during our initial break-up caused me to seek counseling, which helped me start my journey as to why I was attracted to this individual. Like most people here, it was centered on self worth issues and family dynamics.

A few years after the chaos that I described above, I felt whole again, but I literally walked around like a zombie, pining everyday for my loss. Which I wasn't really certain of if it was her physically or my interpretation of what I thought she was. I was so confused and had a really bad pit in my stomach for a couple of years. As time went on the pain subsided and then I got involved with, as I said before, a couple of other high conflict women. After the last one, it too hurt, just like my first BPD relationship, I swore off attempting relationships. I figured I had a lot of work to do or was destine to continue repeating this painful struggle. So, I went cold turkey.

In 2002 my uBPDex sent me a xmas card out of the blue as a clear attempt to recycle me after 14 yrs. I flipped out. Literally slipped right back into the deep deep depression I described above, within a matter of hours. Hyperventilating, run on thoughts, painful memories reemerged, etc. I had no control of this. I literally felt just as I had years before in the deepest part of my depression and anxiety within hours. I went to the my GP doctor's office the next week, after not being able to shake all of this, and he put me on an antidepressant. They say, those take two weeks to work, generally, but mine began to effect me within a matter of hours. Good thing too as this is when I learned about PTSD too. So, 2002 was a big help. I learned about BPD, then antidepressant medication and later PTSD. With the Internet available, the pieces of my brain's puzzle had good available information to begin to understand everything.

Since that time, I've had a couple other life crisis (as we all do) and my brain has taken me back to those PTSD experiences. The last time, I discovered that taking an anti anxiety drug first for a couple of days to relax my system to be quite beneficial. Then following that up with antidepressant meds for about 3 months really seems to be the cocktail and order than have worked best for me in quelling these emotions and feelings. Seeing a counselor once every two weeks while I'm in one of those phases also aided me in mentally restructuring some of my thoughts too. I have most of the tools and knowing how to treat the PTSD successfully through trial and error have given me a lot of confidence too to not worry so much about the past and looking forward to my future.

Just thought I'd share in case it might help you too. The anti-anxiety drugs initially, as I said for just a couple of days, has been a big help. My depression tends to come from prolonged anxiety after my mind can't keep up with the demand and stress. After about two weeks of hyper vigilance from whatever triggers my PTSD, I tend to slip into depression. If I slow down the hyper vigilance first, the depression tends not to even emerge. However, be mindful that anti anxiety drugs can quickly become a crutch and are highly addictive so, using them should be done with some caution. Working with a physician is key to regulating this, but don't be afraid to ask for 7-14 day supply. The doc will also most likely insist on you seeing a counselor too along with the prescription.
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TitliBunny
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« Reply #12 on: July 05, 2020, 07:25:28 AM »

 I'm in the same boat too. My ex has been relentlessly texting me for months now. I don't reply. I feel like a dumping ground to him. Whenever I see a text from him, I go down this deep, dark hole. I'm in that deep, dark hole right now. Just like another poster on this thread said, I am back at square one. I feel like all my recovery has been tumbled down by him. This has happened multiple times. He has undoubtedly been a curse on my life. This has been happening for almost 6 months now, and I look back and notice that I've been shouldering this burden for so long. It just breaks my heart. I wonder when I'll be blessed for once.
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Goosey
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« Reply #13 on: July 05, 2020, 07:50:52 AM »

I feel your pain.
Take a drive in the country of go to a park and walk. Just breathe and let your thoughts ramble about simple quiet things.
  It’s so hard to detach from the insanity. I struggle with it every day. The only time I am happy is when I am physically working. And then when I get in my truck and drive home it hits me like a brick. I just want to cry. I feel so bad for her because now I (think) I understand the pain and scared child she feels and I understand her rages and twisted scrambled attacks on me.
  But I can’t help her. I am just trying to survive at this point.
      “Soulmate”... my wife has been calling me that for years now, as she accuses me of atrocities and has physically attacked me many times... ya I’m her soulmate. 
   But I still love her and worry incessantly about her... just fear her at the same time.
    I should add my wife left the house years ago after a suicide attempt and then assault charges filed by the state... I have tried to be supportive but it’s hard to do when you are being attacked in some manner.   Ahhhhhhh!  Now I need to go for a walk!
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Goosey
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« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2020, 08:37:35 AM »

   It’s so crushing. I just can’t hate my wife.  Recently she left me a scathing message and ended it by saying “and your right I am f’ing someone and it’s way better then you”. I was stunned by it.
   And I dreaded this holiday. She always shows up on the weekends. She drove by the house on Friday. I saw her and just felt the dread rise in my throat. But nothing happened.  And then she texted our daughter she was in her way to “Vegas baby”.
   So I know she is in a new relationship or she would be relentlessly upending my existence. I just dread when the new relationship blows up because I know I will be the fall back. I spent twenty years dealing with every new crisis she caused daily. Now it’s quiet but the storm clouds are looming.
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« Reply #15 on: July 06, 2020, 02:45:13 PM »

I don't have a lot to add to the great things others have already said, except that it is truly difficult to find a therapist who knows how to recognize BPD or the impacts of it, much less how to help someone who is in a relationship with a pwBPD.  I had one who did, but I made the mistake of bringing my ex into therapy with me, and that ruined the whole therapeutic relationship between my therapist and me.

Regarding the cost, have you checked if your employer has assistance programs that could cover or offset it?  Or if there are any social services in your area that could help?

And finally, if you do get back into therapy, give the childhood experience reflection a chance.  By doing so, I learned that my mother was likely a pwBPD, and it opened up all new avenues of healing for me, both re: my relationship with her as well as my romantic relationships.  However, it's perfectly okay to say to a therapist, "I want to explore my childhood experiences and will do so, but at least for this session I need to deal with the immediate crisis I'm facing."  A good therapist will help you balance both paths to recovery.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #16 on: July 07, 2020, 08:49:32 PM »

It’s so crushing. I just can’t hate my wife...

First give yourself time to recover.  As has been quoted many times, Recovery is a process, not an event.  Recovery can take months, for a long relationship it can take a year or two, it varies.

We don't have to hate.  I recall a friend who also divorced someone I suspect was Borderline like my ex.  Every time our failed marriages came up, he got twisted up every time with the pain of the past, and worse, bitterness.  I decided I couldn't live my life like that.  There's a saying, a perspective to Gift Yourself, "Let Go, Let God (take the burden off your shoulders), Move On."
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Football2000
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« Reply #17 on: July 07, 2020, 10:00:58 PM »

Just want to chime in and say holy cr*p! I feel the same way when I receive some communication from my partner. Like I've been smashed in the gut by the star quarterback. I feel sick and wonder what it's all about. When there's no contact for a long time I just get much better. I think the best way to deal with it is it ignore it, especially if it's been years since the last contact.
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« Reply #18 on: July 18, 2020, 11:18:06 PM »

I am deeply saddened by the power that the BDPs seem to have over us especially for the length of time some of you have noted. . I have one suggestion that might help. There is a ministry called "Wild at heart " formerly Ransom heart . Its a very small team of men and women who simply love Jesus (not religion) there is a huge difference. They are not trying to sell you anything they just have a passion to heal the broken hearted . They have many free resources but the best one is "prayers that work". Find the prayer on breaking soul ties and sexual healing. Even if you don't believe in God give it a try - the founder has been a psychologist for over 30 years has dealt with a lot of dark stuff over the years.
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