Have any of you had any great sex with someone who doesn't have BPD

[willy45]

Hi All,

Just a question... . I know that many people have trouble with the whole sex/BPD thing. Have any of you had any great sex with someone who doesn't have BPD after the relationship? I'm guessing that the whole sex thing with my ex was so great because it really tapped into a really deep part of me that hasn't really been healed. It was pretty exciting sometimes. Other times, it was weird (a lot of 'look deeply into my eyes' kind of creepy stuff and a lot of 'I must connect with you first before we have sex'. I guess like the entire r/s, it was a flip between great and terrible. The sex though, when it was great, was incredible. I'm really still feeling the lose of this.

Anyone? Ideas?

[cantbreal]

I agree the sex was what kept us going, she would tell me that is was the only thing we did good together who knows if she meant it , but I know I did crazy at times and so much fun, before I married my soon to be ex she, believe it or not left me for a bit, I started seeing this other girl just friend but she was adorable and so fit tiny little thing one thing led to another and we were in bed guess what the first few times it took me some time to  ummm... . get wood, and I now know why I was so into my ex I was afraid to do it, and now that she has left me again I'm worried that it may happen again I'm not getting any younger. Oh boy

[blissful_camper]

I had better sex after the BPD relationship, and the experience was much more intimate than it was with my ex.  My ex had sexual inhibitions, ED, and he was a pretty selfish lover.  I had to do all of the work. 

[oldweasel]

Thanks for saying that blissful.

I've read a zillion posts saying that sex was so amazing with a BPD and the addiction after b/u. I never felt that way with my ex. At first, it was pretty amazing... . not that she was any good in bed, but she seemed receptive to my desire to please and make her feel desirable. Not saying that I'm a stud or anything, but I do aim to please under the sheets. Then, after a while (a few months) it was just a mechanical act. Sometimes it was so laborious that I didn't even want to try. Funny thing is, after I confronted her on her infidelity, she made the statement that she liked sex, a lot and I don't have any problem doing it with people I don't want a relationship with.

I've had better sex with nons and it felt more real in the connection department.

[willy45]

Hmmm... . Ok. Thanks guys.

I guess I'm having trouble with the two sides of my ex in terms of sex. There was a side to her that was amazing (creative, sexy, stunning, adventurous) and there was a side that was brutal (controlling, critical, moody, weird eye gazing stuff, all kinds of bad). I am jonesing for the good. I feel like an addict.

And cantbreal: I had the exact same thing happen to me. Tried to hook up with this really cute girl. Small, great body, super fit. But nothing. So strange... . And annoying!

[oldweasel]

Willy,

Could it be unreal expectations? I get it that some of them are/seem very expressive, but could it be that she was picking up on your projections and acting on them? I don't mean to minimize your experience, but we who are drawn to pwBPD have our own wounds, which draws us to them... . Thus the feeding of our/their addictions for whatever. I don't know, I'm working through this just as you are.

[willy45]

hmmm... . yeah. I think there is something there for sure.

I think that my ex used sex as a weapon in a way. Well, maybe weapon is too harsh a word. But definitely, there was a look in her eyes that said "I got you". Thing is, I kind of liked it. Certainly that is something about me. I don't know. It is confusing. And it sucks. I was kind of done with fantasizing about her all the time. Maybe I would here and there but it didn't really carry any emotional weight. It was lessening. And then I talk to her 10 days ago and holy cow... . it's all back. Super sucks.

Many of my friends tell me she wasn't that hot. I thought she was. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. This sucks. I should stop thinking about it. It is making me sick again... .

The weirdest thing is that we dated for about 3 months and then I broke up with her. For a year she was after me. I didn't really find her attractive at all during that year. I didn't really even want to hang out with her. Blarg. I know this is all in my mind. I wish she hadn't contacted me and I wish I hadn't picked up. That was really dumb.

[oldweasel]

Oh buddy, I can completely feel what you mean.

Weapon is exactly what it was... . something you enjoyed and held over your head. I enjoy sex too, but not at the expense of it being meaningless and hollow. I'd rather go without. I guess that was a tension point for my r/s was I could go without if it felt wrong. I don't know.

I too was told that I was crazy and could do better by my closest friends, but I ignored their words. Again, one of the ploys of a BPD... . isolation.

I'm sorry you feel sick about your attraction. I'm sorry to seem harsh... . I'm doing it to myself if it helps any. I know I have so much to work out for myself, just hope in the process I can be of help

We can share a bucket to puke in if you want, I'm game to share and be a friend.

[goldylamont]

the sex i had in my healthy r/s after my xBPDgf had to have been the most consistently good sex ever. so xBPD got beat out in this regard. but i also had really good sexual experiences before. thinking about xBPDgf, well, sex was just good to really good, but not because she was some amazing person in bed, it was because i was in 'love' with her at the time. i actually don't recall having weird/hollow/meaningless sex with her either... . who knows what she was thinking though. so, when we had sex, i was satisfied--however, our *sex life* was something different. because of her issues with trust, spite and that she hated the way she looked, when the r/s started going south we barely had sex at all. we could stop for a while and i'd be fine. but towards the end of our r/s when it was really infrequent that's when alarms were going off in my head.

in short, i think we have to be careful and not give crazy people too much credit by saying they are better in bed. i've had amazing experiences with very nice (and naughty  ), honest women who were free and passionate with their sexuality.

and regarding "sex as a weapon", it's funny you mention this. when i first started posting here i would talk about hersexisaweapon and hissexisaweapon -- i made up terms because it seemed to be such a common form of abuse. in my case though i wasn't referring to sex between me and my partner at the time, rather the shaming and punishment some pwBPD enjoy giving to their exes by shoving sex with other people in their faces.

[Aussie0zborn]

One thing I knew was that I would never have such great sex again.  But you know what? I don't want it ever again. Look at where it comes from and whats behind it. Its destructive, its selfish on her part and even abusive.

Give me intimacy any day.

[Stuffie]

I think it depends on if the BPD was male or female. I can see a BPD woman providing a normal man with a great sexual experience. For me, however, my ex was awful. He was extremely selfish. Our sex life was very one sided. We basically did the deed when he wanted it and I had to do all of the work. He also used to request that I do it in such a way that I wasn't really touching him with my hands or legs, he wanted to feel like he did when he was getting himself off.

He had narcissism piggy backed with BPD so that may have contributed to his "you should be grateful I let you please me" mentality.

[Paul M]

I really don't know.

All I do know us the first sex I had after the end of my r /s made me feel worse and did not live up to expectations.

All I could think about was her and how she was better ?

[nevaeh]

My H has used sex as a way to manipulate me and make me do what he wants regardless of my own needs. 

I actually look forward to experiencing sex/intimacy without all of the BPD craziness playing a role.  Hopefully someday I will find someone to share that with!

[Dog biscuit]

in short, i think we have to be careful and not give crazy people too much credit by saying they are better in bed. i've had amazing experiences with very nice (and naughty  ), honest women who were free and passionate with their sexuality.

Hmm, maybe sex is a supertool for people who suffer BPD to attract and attach people to them, but then again dont we al do something like that to a certain degree when we really like someone? We all try to impress someone when we are at the beginning stage of a romantic r/s, dont we?  In the beginning of most r/s the sex is pretty amazing and frequent, and after a while it can become less frequent. That is not BPD but just "normal" imo.

Was the sex better, or are BPD's these amazing sexbombs? I dont think so, I think it is the connection/ attraction felt that can make sex amazing. And apperantly we all felt a strong sense of connection/attraction with our former exes. I dont know if PBD has much to do with it.

[blissful_camper]

I concluded that the way that my ex performed in bed reflected his fear of true intimacy.  He frequently was uncomfortable kissing during sex.  He would not explore my body.  He told me that with former partners the sex act had not lasted longer than 15 minutes.  He couldn't handle being that close to someone. 

Sex was on his terms.  He initiated it once with me.  That placed me in the position of having to ask for sex during the r/s.  When I asked he told me I didn't have to ask.  However, when I initiated physical intimacy without asking, he turned me down.  It was all about control for him, and he constantly changed the rules. 

[Conundrum]

Hmm, maybe sex is a supertool for people who suffer BPD to attract and attach people to them... .

I think in a general sense that's accurate. What's somewhat unique (this is a generalization) is that there are almost neutral elements in play regarding sexual objectification. It's not pre-meditated or malicious, but sometimes the best that they can do (or the best that we can do). Intimacy is difficult in a plethora of allegedly normal relationships, but with this disorder it's a core issue. At least for me, my partner gave me free license to objectify her, which can be liberating, but also habit forming in a disconnected sort of way. Trying to strike a balance by injecting mature sexuality into the equation was krazy difficult because of her core wounds. If you're seriously partnered w a pwBPD, I think you do owe it to the relationship to try to transcend the trivial, but they also have an equal responsibility to work on their issues outside the bedroom.

In short, you can get it on and have fun with all different types of people, but I think that these relationships involve aspects of sexual objectification that make things a bit different than most.

[HostNoMore]

I guess it depends on how one defines great sex for one's self.

If I were into sex as a degrading and purely animalistic experience, then I'd say my BPDexgf really excelled at that.  In light of my experience though, I have learned to appreciate the sex I've had with normal women over the years even more.  

In fact, my BPD ex's strange aversion to intimacy was one of the first clues given to me about her true self though I was not able to interpret it at the time.  Having given a lot of thought to this subject, I will never allow myself to experience BPD style sex ever again.  Frankly, my personal values and boundaries were allowed to be compromised, and now I even prize those values that much more.

I will categorically state that my BPDexgf was not a good quality lover at all.  She was nothing more than a self-centered living mechanical sex toy.  However, I do see how some people can think BPD sex is fun as it is quite unique in its own right shall we say and just leave it at that.

[Conundrum]

In fact, my BPD ex's strange aversion to intimacy was one of the first clues given to me about her true self though I was not able to interpret it at the time.

I think that we have to keep in mind, that this far too frequently is a result of traumatic childhood sexual abuse. Predominantly males, criminally taking advantage of female children. I was aware that my ex suffered that abuse between the ages of 5-7. The insidious and complex way it affects her adult sexuality is a part of who she is. I understand that. 

[Findingmysong723]

Sex was on his terms.  That placed me in the position of having to ask for sex during the r/s.  When I asked he told me I didn't have to ask.  However, when I initiated physical intimacy without asking, he turned me down.  It was all about control for him, and he constantly changed the rules.  

Here here, unfortunately that's what I had. In the beginning he was all over me, but the closer we got all the issues came up. He had issues with ED, major anxiety, wanted to do sex in a certain way and when something didn't go as planned he would freak out and leave me laying there on the bed... . nice huh? Sex could be good sometimes but he would also over analyze if our kissing had the right connection, if there was something off... . his anxiety made my anxiety worse. I mean, we'll a little insecure when we are vulnerable when we are having sex, but to it's much worse when it feels like someone is holding up a huge magnifying glass on any emotions or feelings he was having. My Ex took medication for anxiety which gave him issues with ED, but I feel like his emotions made it worse since he could be up for it physically over times. Sex was a control thing for him, whether it was him wanting to do it in a certain way that he felt more confident with or initiating sex when we were about to leave the house, I wasn't feeling well, when I just got home from picking up food, most times I would say "No." Part of might of been his impulsivity but I think it was his way to say "look she denied me." Then like you said he would act like he was always up for sex, but he denied me a whole lot!

[HappyNihilist]

I know I could find someone who will treat me better than my exbf, but I am reeeeally not sure I'll ever find anyone who could satisfy me sexually like him. I mean, oh.my.god. I actually started to cry, just thinking about it. It makes my heart hurt. Seriously good stuff.

To be fair, I'm an unusual woman with some deviant sexual desires; without going into any incriminating details, let's just say that I'm very well-suited to a good PD man's sexual proclivities. But my ex would also make love to me, and adored *ahem* pleasing me, and was very affectionate and attentive. It was just overall veryveryveryvery spectacularly amazing. If he ever came back, and if I ever capitulated, this would be a big reason. I'm not going to lie. I've been in a sexless marriage before (and I mean ZERO sex, for years), and given my unorthodox tastes, I'm a damn sucker. (Also, yes I do love him. I'm not that shallow, I promise.)

[willy45]

Well HappyNihilist, the good news is that I have pretty deviant streak. And I don't have BPD. So, maybe there is hope for you? I'm sure there will be lines of people who would want/desire to explore the things you do.

[Sunny Side]

Pleasure from sexual intimacy is defined differently from person to person.  For me, pleasure from sex is borne out of the authenticity and reciprocity of the connection between me and my partner.  This is by choice not biology.  I seek more than just a body to use for masturbation.

With my BPDex the sex was fabulous, although looking back I can't honestly say how much of this was due to her mirroring.  Initially for her sex was about pain, degradation and humiliation.  I tried this a few times with her before realizing it was a space that I wasn't comfortable living in.  Eventually she would stop seeking the same reward from me -- achieving a sexual euphoria by reliving a persecution fantasy from her abusive childhood -- and the sexual dynamic changed to one which more resembled the model of my fantasy bond.  And though we continuously achieved many sexual "highs", looking back it would be hard for me to determine now whether she authentically enjoyed sex at all. Very heady stuff and I don't yet have the answers.

So have I ever had great sex with someone who doesn't have BPD?  Absolutely.  A mental illness that I don't have has no bearing on my sexual identity.

Will I ever have great sex again with someone who doesn't have BPD?  Absolutely, because I don't plan on having an intimate r/s with a pwBPD ever again. 

[HappyNihilist]

Well HappyNihilist, the good news is that I have pretty deviant streak. And I don't have BPD. So, maybe there is hope for you? I'm sure there will be lines of people who would want/desire to explore the things you do.

That is good news. And I know that's a big part of what I need to work on for myself -- not sacrificing a part of myself to fulfill another part.

I rationalized away some early red flags, and he "helped" by adjusting his behavior when he realized he was scaring me away. By the time the crazy-making really hit, I told myself it was OK for the unconventional relationship I thought we had. Eventually I realized that my needs were not really important, despite what he claimed. Not because he didn't care, but because he's incapable of really understanding another person's needs and putting them above his own. When you view your whole life in survival mode, it's always me-vs-them.

[corraline]

I have had great sex with past partners without BPD. I have not been intimate with anyone else since but its only been since the end of January that we broke up.

The sex with my exBPD had a different charge to it.  I very attracted to him . More than i have ever been before with someone.

It was also a very challenging part of my relationship with him.

He introduced me to alot of interesting things that i had not experienced before. I always felt a little unsafe though. Most of the time it was great but there was a side of him he was not fully disclosing.

Initially in the relationship he would send me alot of porn videos and pictures mostly to build up the charge before we got together he said.

I told him it was not necessary for me so he stopped doing this.  Also, some of it was very dark and a few things were quite scary. I am not being reserved in my judgement in this. ... . I am a pretty open person and willing to explore things, what he sent me was very disturbing.

As we got closer and the relationship progressed he stopped this with me but continued to purchase objects from BDSM leather suppliers but was not introducing them to me any longer. That concerned me too since i suspected he was cheating on me.

He also started saying some very disrespectful things about women and what their purpose was sexually and how you control them with sex. He spoke about controlling them and punishing them with sex. Because women liked it that way.

Near the end when he was drinking too much, without his "tools" he was hurting me physically during sex.  I felt very unsafe. I knew i had to get out of this relationship based on this alone. I am also still trying to sort out why i was involved in this sexual dynamic with him.

[caughtnreleased]

Some of the greatest sex I had was with my ex boyfriend (although he had some strong narcissistic traits) when we were in a long distance relationship... . we had 2 day long "catch up" sessions!

[Take2]

I have absolutely had amazing sex with partners who do not have BPD.  In fact, initially, sex with my ex-BPD-bf was not great at all.  He is much younger than me and while he had plenty of experience, he clearly did not have plenty of experience considering what women want.  I've read how many are so giving not because that's their nature but because they get off feeling that they are great lovers seeing how much their partner enjoys what they are doing.  My ex turned into that while we were together.  Initially, it was all about what he liked only.  After quite some time, it became more and more of a match of what we both liked.  He learned and became phenomental.  And I learned what he liked better as well. 

It didn't start out with the controlling aspect at all - but that did surface many times once it got better.  I often wondered if he was learning new things from watching more porn (he has a major obsession) or from being with new people.  I am certain at some points it was from being with others.   

Anyway - last time we had sex, he had his hands wrapped around my throat for a while with quite a bizarre look on his face.  He wondered why I wasn't smiling at the end... .

So yes - as phenomenal a lover as he became, there are plenty of non-borderline men out that who are fantastic lovers... .

[HappyNihilist]

I've read how many are so giving not because that's their nature but because they get off feeling that they are great lovers seeing how much their partner enjoys what they are doing.

I can definitely see this. My exbf loved to brag about how great he was in bed -- it was one of the very few things he felt truly confident about -- and although he claimed that he loved to satisfy me because he was a "consummate pleaser" (his words), I think it was more of an ego boost. He certainly couldn't just lie back and enjoy me focusing on giving him pleasure, even though that's something I desperately needed and told him was important to me.

Anyway - last time we had sex, he had his hands wrapped around my throat for a while with quite a bizarre look on his face.  He wondered why I wasn't smiling at the end... .

Take2, I'm so sorry, that had to be scary for you. 

That's actually... . also something I need... . and my exbf was very good at it. Yes, I need a lot of violent, painful, degrading, and humiliating sex. I'm a physical and emotional masochist and deeply submissive, and not just in bed -- so it's not just the sex but also the controlling, dominant, alpha male aspects that I crave and need. That's not something easy to finally come to terms with (I did accept it long before I met him, though), and it's really hard to find someone you can trust to engage in such a r/s with. The combination of natural dark sexual proclivities and sadism, along with careful mirroring... . yeah, I was a goner. There are other issues at play, of course, but this is THE Big One for me, that I have to work on.

[Narellan]

Ive never known anything like it. So intense. Im 48 and have a bit of experience but ive never so felt powerfully connected. Just sitting in the car with him i could feel this insane energy. And of course he just had to look at me and we would shag anywhere. I mean anywhere. Any time. Ive never been so spontaneous, and reckless. And the emotional connection was there too, i felt it. I still do. Ive never had intimacy like it, which is sad cos i was married for 23 years. The sex lasted for hours and hours. Im not kidding. Couldnt get enough. Felt like a teenager, except when i was a teenager i was going to church and not having sex... .

I had to break NC yesterday and call him because he posted a nude photo of me on FB. It was a tasteful photo because hes a professional photographer, but my hearts in my mouth because he has hundreds of me. And posting on FB? Id ignored every other attention seeking post from him the past few weeks and was doing really well.

I feel like hes going to destroy me.

Im so sick of it.

[Take2]

HappyNihilist... .  I totally relate to what you feel and want... .  part of the intense chemistry between my ex and I was his controlling nature and my desire to be controlled - it didn't start out that way in the bedroom but we definitely began to play off of one another.  I have no idea why I became this way - I was never abused as a child.  I had a happy childhood growing up.  I resist control from plenty of others.  But with my exBPDbf, I would have handed him the keys (and passwords) to everything.  

The strangling thing - I wasn't even scared actually.  A long time ago he had asked if I'd be okay with him doing that and I thought nothing of it and said ok.  He did it very briefly that one time but never again.   And that was a couple years ago.  But then last week he did it for a long time and it felt totally different.  He wasn't caring about what I was feeling, it was about whatever he was thinking about.

It's so messed up.  All of it.  Including my part in the dysfunction.

[Take2]

I feel like hes going to destroy me.

Im so sick of it.

Narrelan... . Wow - that FB posting... . I'm so sorry you are going thru that... .   that is brutal.  Can you get it off of there?  Yep, my ex has some pretty explicit pics of me, thank God he's not on FB... .   but I do fear what he could do with those... .   because he was threatened to destroy me in my professional and personal life many times... . he has taken actual steps to do so... . and then came back multiple times... . and I foolish for having continued on the crazy train... .   but it's been a terrible addiction I have been unable to break.  Even though I have known I am truly playing with fire any time I do go back to him... .