For those with BPD parent(s), what did you tell your children about NC?

[Lise]

I am hoping to gain some insight, getting more ideas for what to tell my children when they ask about the BPD-grandmother ... . any remarks you may have will be appreciated.

Some background: I have two children, from their birth and until two years ago, when they were 6 and 8 years old, respectively, my BPD-mother has been in our lives. She's tried to be a nice gm in her own twisted way, and the children really liked her. But I could see the poison she was spreading around them, the untrue stories she told about her own greatness and how the world (and I) has wronged her. So, even though I knew it would cause my children pain, I chose to have NC. I'd rather have them hurt a bit then, than suffer the consequences of having her in their lives any longer.

The children didn't understand why we weren't going to see gm anymore.

I explained to them that it was my choice, that gm loved them but she had an illness that caused her to be hurtful to others. She'd always make me very sad, she couldn't help it, and since I didn't want to be sad anymore, I chose not to be with her.

I didn't want to invalidate their memories of a sweet gm, and I didn't want to smear her in front of them; but that makes it hard to explain in a way that they understand.

The children has reacted very differently. The oldest doesn't talk about her at all, says it is too saddening to think about so the child's chosen to forget all about her instead (this I find so absolutely heartbreaking). The youngest one often says "I miss gm", then we talk about what's being missed, what the child'd like to say to her if she was here, and things like that. I wish I could take the pain away, but I can't without subjecting the children and myself to a much worse pain.

I'm trying my best, but I really don't know how to balance this one ... . any ideas?

/Lise

[Sitara]

My kids are younger than yours (1 & 5), and our situation is that we moved far away at the same time contact was cut. My uBPD mom has not contacted us since we moved minus a couple of gifts in the mail.

My 5 year old also talks about her and says he misses her, and I do about the same as you, telling him I know he misses her. Hard as it is, when he asks if she misses him, I say she probably misses him too. But he also asks things like, "When will I see grandma again?" and I have to answer honestly with, "I don't know." I've also had to tell him before that when people want to have a relationship with you, they'll call or visit. I want them to know that a relationship is two-sided and that grandma is making a choice by not contacting him.

Someday I'm sure I'll have to explain later that grandma is sick and that is why I don't talk to her anymore.

It's not an easy situation but I just think of what priorities I want to teach them and focus on those - that I want them to learn that relationships are between two people and that people deserve to be treated respectfully even by family. It's hard and I'm not looking forward to having those talks in the future.

[Lise]

Thank you Sitara,

It's a very good point you're making, using the situation to explain about the reciprocity of relationships and how respect is vital in healthy relations. I'll sure use that one.

I've chosen NC on behalf of my children as well, not wanting them to have any contact with her. This might come back to bite me later, but I just don't believe I am strong enough to have her even remotely in my life, and I honestly believe that there'll come no good from allowing her contact with my children.

She did sent the children a christmas present the first year - it might have been a loving gesture, but from my experience with the gifts she gives, I was pretty sure the gifts were meant to manipulate, guilt-induce and/or smear. I chose to return the gifts unopened along with a note saying, she shouldn't contact us again. I do feel guilty for "robbing" them of the presents, though.

/ Lise

[losingconfidence]

Lise - Don't feel bad for robbing them of the presents. Presents from people with BPD always have strings attached. A kid might appreciate it growing up, but once they get older and constantly feel indebted to her over those gifts, they will wish they hadn't taken them.

[Lise]

Thank you losingconfidence, that's a good point, and you are absolutely right.