It's been TOO quiet, then I said No

[Parents! Get help here!]

Since my DD came home from the hospital over 3 weeks ago, it has been smooth sailing.  No outbursts, no meltdowns, no cutting, no tantrums, no screaming.  Just the calm, peaceful daughter I used to have.  I made the difficult decision to send her to residential, and lately it hasn't seemed like she even needs it.  I know it has been TOO quiet and I have been on edge waiting for something to happen.

I have an incredibly busy life.  There are 6 of us at home, me, my DH, 20 yr old daughter, 14 yr old BPDD, 4 yr old grandson and 2 yr old grandson.  My 2 yr old grandson was in the hospital this week with respiratory issues.  I drove my 20 yr old and 21 yr old daughters 3 hours one way to appts on Wednesday.  I'm teaching the 20 yr old to drive.  The 2 little boys each have therapy and doctor appts and it just goes on and on.  Today I left my house at 9 am and got home at 5.  Appts, after appts, and taking the boys to visit their mom and DHS came to the house and just one thing after another.  I'm exhausted.

So my DD asks me to drive her to my mother's house 15 miles away and I said "no, wait until tomorrow when I am going over there anyway".  She pushed a bit, asked a few times and when I was firm, it happened.  All hell broke loose.  The crying, the screaming, the storming off, stomping up the stairs, slamming the door, hitting the walls, screaming some more.  So I start crying and say to dh "oh my Gods I can't take this tonight I'll just take her" and he told me "if you give in you are just reinforcing her behavior".  And he is right.  So I didn't give in. 

After about an hour of sulking in her room she came down and got a bowl of cereal and I happened to glance up from the PC as she walked by and she screamed at me "stop staring at me" I said I wasn't I just looked up and she threw herself down on the floor crying and screaming "yes you are!  You're staring at me!"  Then proceeded to stomp up the stairs for a second time.   My dh came in and said "you better check on her a lot tonight". 

Then a strange thing just happened while I was writing this.  She came to me and calmly asked me for a PRN which she hasn't done in like 6 months because they make her sleepy.  She said she needs to calm down.  I don't know what to think.  I guess that's a good thing that she asked for a PRN and recognizes she needs to calm down. 

I feel a migraine coming on.  I'm so tired of all this.  I know we all get tired.  I'm trying to not think the worst as I tend to do, but I don't know how tonight will go.  I am on High Alert now.  I can say that this incident makes me feel better about residential. We have had a few good weeks but she still needs help. 

[Elbry]

Since my DD came home from the hospital over 3 weeks ago, it has been smooth sailing.  No outbursts, no meltdowns, no cutting, no tantrums, no screaming.  Just the calm, peaceful daughter I used to have.  I made the difficult decision to send her to residential, and lately it hasn't seemed like she even needs it.  I know it has been TOO quiet and I have been on edge waiting for something to happen.

I have an incredibly busy life.  There are 6 of us at home, me, my DH, 20 yr old daughter, 14 yr old BPDD, 4 yr old grandson and 2 yr old grandson.  My 2 yr old grandson was in the hospital this week with respiratory issues.  I drove my 20 yr old and 21 yr old daughters 3 hours one way to appts on Wednesday.  I'm teaching the 20 yr old to drive.  The 2 little boys each have therapy and doctor appts and it just goes on and on.  Today I left my house at 9 am and got home at 5.  Appts, after appts, and taking the boys to visit their mom and DHS came to the house and just one thing after another.  I'm exhausted.

So my DD asks me to drive her to my mother's house 15 miles away and I said "no, wait until tomorrow when I am going over there anyway".  She pushed a bit, asked a few times and when I was firm, it happened.  All hell broke loose.  The crying, the screaming, the storming off, stomping up the stairs, slamming the door, hitting the walls, screaming some more.  So I start crying and say to dh "oh my Gods I can't take this tonight I'll just take her" and he told me "if you give in you are just reinforcing her behavior".  And he is right.  So I didn't give in. 

After about an hour of sulking in her room she came down and got a bowl of cereal and I happened to glance up from the PC as she walked by and she screamed at me "stop staring at me" I said I wasn't I just looked up and she threw herself down on the floor crying and screaming "yes you are!  You're staring at me!"  Then proceeded to stomp up the stairs for a second time.   My dh came in and said "you better check on her a lot tonight". 

Then a strange thing just happened while I was writing this.  She came to me and calmly asked me for a PRN which she hasn't done in like 6 months because they make her sleepy.  She said she needs to calm down.  I don't know what to think.  I guess that's a good thing that she asked for a PRN and recognizes she needs to calm down. 

I feel a migraine coming on.  I'm so tired of all this.  I know we all get tired.  I'm trying to not think the worst as I tend to do, but I don't know how tonight will go.  I am on High Alert now.  I can say that this incident makes me feel better about residential. We have had a few good weeks but she still needs help. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Elbry

Could you have told her in a different way? Do you think that might have gotten a different reaction? I have to ask you what is stopping your H from driving her? You are not super mom and you don't have to do everything yourself... . ask for help. I remember days like that where I didn't get out of the car!

although my dd16 rarely has any sympathy for me I might have said " I know you really wanted to see my mother tonight... . I understand you are disappointed ... . I am going there tomorrow and I will take you then and on our way we can have another driving lesson.

I do think it is good that she asked for something to calm herself down. Hang in there Elbry... . there are always going to be set backs... . it is always two step forward and one back... . don't be hard on yourself.

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry tonight is stressful for you guys.  I hope your migraine will dissipate... .

The fact that your dd asked for something to calm down is a good sign. She is using the best coping skill she has at the moment.

You were tired. We aren't always at the top of our game after a long hard day, and using our skills doesn't come as easily and as naturally to us in those moments... .

After what happened, your husband was right that giving in at that point would have reinforced bad behavior.

At the same time, you can have a conversation with your dd tomorrow, validate her frustration from today, and her desire to see grandma, and apologize for being short with her because of you being so tired.

If the conversation goes exceptionally well, I would even bring up what jellibeans suggested:

"Maybe next time, if I cannot do something for you that I'd like to, we can try to talk and see if there is another way to solve the problem... . What do you think? I didn't think of yesterday, but we could have asked dad to drive you there."

It would model good relationship skills to her... .