Not sure if the fight is worth it

[Depression = 72% of members]

Not sure where to start.ive posted before.just over a year back when my partner and I,found out that he had BPD.he moved here to be with me.it was the safest thing to do as at the time he was ready to almost self combust .ive been supportive every step of the way.mental health support was put in place for him here.he was lucky enough to be accepted for a BPD project here that he attended 4days a week.everything that could be done,was done to support him.even though most of the time to him,its not enough.he managed the project for 4 out of the 12 months that he was supposed to attend.tbh his mood dropped dramatically whilst he was there and his mental health worker advised him to leave,which he did. His mood had got worse since then.he has the odd days that he will do things.we have swimming and gym passes that he wanted so that we could do it together.they havnt been used yet.ive paid for insurance so that I can take him out and teach him to drive.he was brought a dog by myself and my boys because he said it would make him want to go out more.all things to help him but it seems that none are good enough.he can't face people so won't go swimming or to the gym.he can't be bothered with the driving as he's not in the mood and as for the dog,its just like I thought it would be,I look after her.nothing is good enough.even me it seems at the moment.he is drinking quite a lot to apparently help his anxiety,which gets worse after drinking.he is ordering pills from the Internet that are similar to diazepam but not licenced.it worries me but if I say anything it has an adverse reaction.im in a lose lose situation .unfortunately my mental health is suffering.im finding it harder and harder to cope.a few weeks back he told me that he plans to move back to where he lived before in September to continue uni. He dropped out because he couldn't cope and was goin to move to a uni nearer here so that I could support him.he doesn't want to do that now and can't understand why I should be upset that he wants to move back and tells me he can't do it without my support.he struggles here with everyday things and anxiety and such. How can he cope there again with all of the original stresses and strains and temptations.he used to drink himself to oblivion and I was always there on the end of the phone to talk him through it. Ive driven 280 miles to get him fom hospital where he has overdosed.at least here he is safe.i try to do spontaneous things to keep some of the excitement.we go away for nights and sometimes I'll let my hair down and have a drink.he doesn't know for definite that he will be accepted back again. Am I supposed to live the next 6months in limbo not knowing what will happen.i suggested maybe exploring his options here just incase it falls through.he wasn't interested.he has has the chance of voluntary work here that could lead him in the direction he wants to go,but his heart seems set on moving back.in my head I know its his escape route. He can come and go like he used to.him moving here felt like a step forward in our relationship .thus feels like a huge step back.he said he might not be able to cope and might be back within a month.again its the living in limbo.do I just let him go and wait and see or do I stand up and say how I feel and see what happens?.i just don't know.dont get me wrong, I would really love for him to succeed in this as I know it is something close to his heart and a the end of the day I will help all I can .it worries me though.i don't want a long distance partner. I'm not sure if I can cope mentally with the strain.i love him dearly and just don't know what to do about it.it is tearing me apart.i have another friend who has BPD.ive spoken this through with her. She thinks he is being incredibly selfish and that his motives aren't what he says they are. This is his escape route.she says I should tell him exactly how i feel but understands that I'm frightened of the outcome.i don't want to lose him but is it better to let go ,or is there a compromise that can be had.he says its not forever and that he will be here most of the time,but how can I believe he can cope there and won't drink and be stupid when he can't hold himself together here.so confused and messed up ;0(

[Alternative48]

Not sure where to start.ive posted before.just over a year back when my partner and I,found out that he had BPD.he moved here to be with me.it was the safest thing to do as at the time he was ready to almost self combust .ive been supportive every step of the way.mental health support was put in place for him here.he was lucky enough to be accepted for a BPD project here that he attended 4days a week.everything that could be done,was done to support him.even though most of the time to him,its not enough.he managed the project for 4 out of the 12 months that he was supposed to attend.tbh his mood dropped dramatically whilst he was there and his mental health worker advised him to leave,which he did. His mood had got worse since then.he has the odd days that he will do things.we have swimming and gym passes that he wanted so that we could do it together.they havnt been used yet.ive paid for insurance so that I can take him out and teach him to drive.he was brought a dog by myself and my boys because he said it would make him want to go out more.all things to help him but it seems that none are good enough.he can't face people so won't go swimming or to the gym.he can't be bothered with the driving as he's not in the mood and as for the dog,its just like I thought it would be,I look after her.nothing is good enough.even me it seems at the moment.he is drinking quite a lot to apparently help his anxiety,which gets worse after drinking.he is ordering pills from the Internet that are similar to diazepam but not licenced.it worries me but if I say anything it has an adverse reaction.im in a lose lose situation .unfortunately my mental health is suffering.im finding it harder and harder to cope.a few weeks back he told me that he plans to move back to where he lived before in September to continue uni. He dropped out because he couldn't cope and was goin to move to a uni nearer here so that I could support him.he doesn't want to do that now and can't understand why I should be upset that he wants to move back and tells me he can't do it without my support.he struggles here with everyday things and anxiety and such. How can he cope there again with all of the original stresses and strains and temptations.he used to drink himself to oblivion and I was always there on the end of the phone to talk him through it. Ive driven 280 miles to get him fom hospital where he has overdosed.at least here he is safe.i try to do spontaneous things to keep some of the excitement.we go away for nights and sometimes I'll let my hair down and have a drink.he doesn't know for definite that he will be accepted back again. Am I supposed to live the next 6months in limbo not knowing what will happen.i suggested maybe exploring his options here just incase it falls through.he wasn't interested.he has has the chance of voluntary work here that could lead him in the direction he wants to go,but his heart seems set on moving back.in my head I know its his escape route. He can come and go like he used to.him moving here felt like a step forward in our relationship .thus feels like a huge step back.he said he might not be able to cope and might be back within a month.again its the living in limbo.do I just let him go and wait and see or do I stand up and say how I feel and see what happens?.i just don't know.dont get me wrong, I would really love for him to succeed in this as I know it is something close to his heart and a the end of the day I will help all I can .it worries me though.i don't want a long distance partner. I'm not sure if I can cope mentally with the strain.i love him dearly and just don't know what to do about it.it is tearing me apart.i have another friend who has BPD.ive spoken this through with her. She thinks he is being incredibly selfish and that his motives aren't what he says they are. This is his escape route.she says I should tell him exactly how i feel but understands that I'm frightened of the outcome.i don't want to lose him but is it better to let go ,or is there a compromise that can be had.he says its not forever and that he will be here most of the time,but how can I believe he can cope there and won't drink and be stupid when he can't hold himself together here.so confused and messed up ;0(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olinda]

You said: how can I believe he can cope there and won't drink and be stupid when he can't hold himself together here.so confused and messed up

You can't control him, Alternative48.  You can't rescue him and keep him out of trouble.  You can be supportive but if he is grown (I am assuming he is an adult), he needs to make his own decisions and suffer the consequences for those decisions. 

One thing that I realized is that I have a rescue complex.  Somehow I get an internal reward for being 'on top of things' and 'handling life' better than my uBPDfiancee. I can either allow her to be a grownup and a full partner to me (with some concessions) or I can continue to bump heads because I am trying to control things out of my control.

  Hugs as you figure this out, this is not easy.

[an0ught]

Hi Alternative48,

we can't predict him either. Some separation in combination with targeted therapy will have an impact in one form or another. Whether it is self sustaining or not - nobody knows. Whether you two will fit then together - nobody knows. There have been cases where after therapy the non then became the real problem in the relationship. Life ultimately is unpredictable.

You wrote you mental health is suffering  , this is really bad. The drama is fresh and you are not ready to leave but then you can't commit to staying either.

Here is the thing - the drama has reduced your vision to a tunnel vision focused on relationships. There is more to life e.g. your mental health. Right now you are not in a good shape for a relationship with him or probably anyone else.

What about a commitment to

  - working on yourself, putting yourself first

  - working on learning validating communication

  - having limits/boundaries on what you commit to in any case (could be even this commitment e.g. limit it to 2 months)

  - accepting only healthy interactions with him

If that suits you - the staying board is a good place. Working through the lessons and discussions on the board will lessen the drama in the relationship and is not going to bind you more to him than you already are. If you realize you have to detach - head over to the leaving board. If you figure it works in one way or another for you - great, continue here. You could of course also head straight over there - also a fair choice. But wondering whether he will be able to change or you will be able to control him - in the light of fundamental limits of what we can know - is setting you up for continuing pain.

Why don't you read through the LESSONS at the top of the leaving board and the staying board (they are different). What resonates with you?

[Alternative48]

That's the thing.i know I can't control him.i don't want to.i can't handle the boundaries being changed all the time and it is always to suit him.i told him today that if he feels that unhappy here with me,and feels he would be better moving back to where he lived before,then he should.he seems to think I would rather have him here feeling unhappy.that really isn't true.it rips me apart inside knowing that I can't do anything to help him when he feels as low as this.everything I say is hostile to him so you can't even have a conversation.at the end of the day he will go if he wants to, but I also have certain rights and expectations in this relationship.it shouldn't all be about him. My feelings should count as well.he said the decision should be made as a couple, but it hasn't been.its about him telling me what he wants to do and that he needs my support to do it.di I just cast aside all my feelings and thoughts to enable him to do this or do I make my feelings known and I think, ultimately end the relationship.maybe he is right.maybe it won't be as bad as I think it will be.thing is, I only have past experiences to draw on.i don't want to be a part time partner 270miles apart,only seeing him at holidays and such . Is that selfish of me?. I don't think so.my mental health has suffered.not just because if this but because of other stresses and strains.i have good support here and know it won't be long before I'm feeling ok again.im down but I will pick up. I already am. I can't afford to be down for too long as its not only my partner who needs me.he has so many things here and in place to help him and support him and to keep him busy but he is so focused on this lifestyle that he wants to live, that nothing at all will sway him.its almost as if he will lie in bed all day and every day until uni starts and then he will miraculously be able to cope with everything.maybe the best thing to do is just let him get on with it and build some kind of life for myself that doesn't involve him so that I'm not left high and dry when he goes.my life does evolve around him and his demands. He jokes that he can always get what he wants.hes right,he does.even at the cost of someone else's feelings.im not sure what to do.all I know is I hate feeling like im in limbo.