Need Some Straight Talk - Get Me out of the FOG

[DazedButNotConfused]

I need some pretty hefty straight talk from everyone, please.

Tomorrow, I have a meeting with my dBPDh's treatment team. The team consists of the psychologist, a psyciatrist and a social worker assisgned to my husband as part of an involuntary short-term commitment in the local psych ward. This has happened due to three episodes in the last 6 weeks when necessitated police and Crisis intervention.

I know what I have to say to his team  -  that the violence is escalating, that he should be put on a long term hold, that he needs more help than he is getting in his weekly DBT therapy, that one of us will end up getting hurt. I know all this.

Why, then, am I afraid of his reaction? Why am I have second thoughts, even though I know what MUST be done, because he will be angry? Why, at this point, am I thinking about HIM at all?


Please, someone talk straight to me. I MUST be out of the FOG by tomorrow.

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[Samuel S.]

With three episodes in the last six weeks, with the police being called, with a crisis intervention needing to take place, with an involuntary short-term commitment in the local psych ward, it is for your safety and the safety of everyone else that he is placed where he will be.

I understand your fear, but this mandated commitment is necessary. The people there are trained and sensitive to people like your husband who need to be essentially confined, until he is able to be stabilized. I understand your obligation for him, but you have an obligation to yourself not to have him continue the way he has been going. I understand your feeling guilty due to this confinement.

You see, my mother and I had to do basically the same thing that is going to be done to your husband to my father, because he hit her. He had dementia. Eventually, he remained in the hospital and then in a convalescent home where he passed.

So, back to you, you and that team are doing the right thing for everybody's sake. It's not easy, to be sure, but it will be only more difficult if nothing is done. Hang in there, and good luck! 

[zaqsert]

Hi DazedButNotConfused,

The fear you seem to be feeling is certainly understandable.

It's great that you know what you have to say to his treatment team and also that you know what must be done.  But let me ask you a follow-up question: What do you want to do?  Knowing what you have to do is one thing.  Knowing that you also want to do can be further empowering for many of us.

Please feel free to correct this into your own words, thoughts, and feelings.  My guess is that you might feel that you want to say these things to his treatment team for several reasons.  Some of them may include:

1. For your own safety.

2. For your husband's well-being.

On #2, it sounds like you genuinely want to get your husband the help he needs, and you believe this is a good opportunity to get him that help.  It's important to note that if he really, truly does not want help then he will find a way to get out of this too.  If that is the case then unfortunately there may be little, if anything, that you can really to do get him the help that he needs.  But if you feel it is worth the try then you may want to do it for his well-being.

Thinking about what may make you want to do this tomorrow and skimming through a few of your recent posts, this caught my attention:

My dBPDh is out of the house (for once!) and I find myself looking at the holes in the walls, the broken windows, the stains on the carpet from where he threw whatever, and the general chaos of his stuff being piled everywhere and I am sad. I remember when I was proud of our house and how I kept it, remember what it was like to have the money to fix things that were broken, remember what it was like to put things away and not trip over papers and clothes and used coffee mugs ... .

Usually, I can look past all this, remember the past is the past, and can somehow come to grips that this is all part of the disease and thereby feel, if not better, at least, that things are what they are given the hell that is BPD.

Ultimately, only he can decide whether he will work on what he needs to work on.  But since the opportunity tomorrow will be there anyway, I very much understand that you would want to give it your best, for either or both of the reasons above.

If you still decide to do this tomorrow, it may help to write down today what you want to say tomorrow, and bring it with you as a reference tomorrow.  In the thick of things and in the FOG that may still be there, that list on paper can help you get through it, even if your mental state is not all that clear at the time.

Wishing you some peace of mind through this tough time. 

[DazedButNotConfused]

Thank you both for your responses.

Zaqsert - you asked what I want - and yes, ideally, I would be safe and he would get the help he so obviously needs. Because I do know that it is ultimately up to him, I think it is akin to wanting glittery unicorns and chocolate at every meal. It isn't gonna happen. I've been at this BPD thing a long time (30 years) and all the therapy, treatment facilities, and counciling  for both he and I have not changed things all that much.

Things were easier when I was younger. I could handle it better  -  and probably the only reason for that is the fact that I was younger and had some of the "invincible" feeling left in me. Needless to say, now I am just tired and sad with no sign of invincible to be found.

As far as meeting with the treatment team, yes, I am going to do it. I had already written down what I wanted to have heard. As difficult as mental illness is on everyone around the person with the illness, it is so much harder on the sufferer and this meeting be the last effort I can put forth on his behalf.

Sadly, if they decide NOT to keep him, I will be going to the courthouse immediately after this meeting to get a Restraining Order. I care deeply about him but I have been put in a position where there really is no choice.

BPD - it is so very sad for all involved. (and it is odd - I STLL don't want him to get angry at me. WHY AM I WORRING ABOUT THIS?)

[Samuel S.]

DazedButNotConfused, I applaud your determination to get the job done out of love and out of respect for him, but also for yourself! Indeed, everyone is involved, and everyone is affected by one person. It is just like a pebble that is thrown into the water with the ripple effect.

As for not wanting him to be angry with you, I empathize with you. We all want to be liked, no matter what the situation is. We all want to be heard. We all want to be loved. So, I understand why you are worried under your circumstances; however, your top priorities need to be to have him be given the appropriate care and just as importantly that you are safe!

Please keep us posted! 

[DazedButNotConfused]

WOW! WOW!

The hospital just called and postponed the meeting until tomorrow.

And I thought that the BPD roller coaster was bad. I feel so ... . angry!

[an0ught]

Hi DazedButNotConfused,

how did it go? How do you feel right now?