I really should have PTSD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When my ex was angry, (which was often) and I was in the car with her, she would drive around town like a complete lunatic.

It was a horror story to the max.

I remember thinking "please God I dont want to die yet". "I will be a better person and I will help people and donate money to charity etc... . " If I would say anything during the drive it would get worse, I just kept my mouth shut and hoped for the best.

At the moment I'm just laughing at this memory. I really should have PTSD anytime I get in a car or think about cars. I am thankful I don't though. A few times I refused to ride home and started walking instead, she'd drive around looking for me. After she would find me I insisted for her to promise to drive normal and then I'd get back in the car.

[AwakenedOne]

When my ex was angry, (which was often) and I was in the car with her, she would drive around town like a complete lunatic.

It was a horror story to the max.

I remember thinking "please God I dont want to die yet". "I will be a better person and I will help people and donate money to charity etc... . " If I would say anything during the drive it would get worse, I just kept my mouth shut and hoped for the best.

At the moment I'm just laughing at this memory. I really should have PTSD anytime I get in a car or think about cars. I am thankful I don't though. A few times I refused to ride home and started walking instead, she'd drive around looking for me. After she would find me I insisted for her to promise to drive normal and then I'd get back in the car.

[Skip]

At the moment I'm just laughing at this memory.

Laughing at something that was so traumatic that you believe could have induced PTSD is a bit of an unusual reaction.  We don't usually laugh at seriously threatening events in or life... . or chronic struggles unless we are distancing ourselves from or own true emotions.

Do you think the mock and ridicule is a shield over a more difficult emotion?

After hearing I'm the "greatest guy in the world" stuff at the start of our marriage it's hard to let ones mind think this person will ever hate me and abandon the marriage in a cruel and heartless way... . Felt that me trying to make things work and a ton of efforts and nice gestures would matter... . She made her family think she's an angel and I'm no good. She abandoned me with no emotion. Well actually anger and the look of disgust was there at moments during "the dumping". We both had to vacate our apartment... . She took our only car, money, most of our stuff, caused me to lose my job and other problems... .

This sounds like an incredibly heartbreaking and devastating loss.

[buddy1226]

This is almost exactly what happened to me last November. I have no doubt that I have a touch of PTSD. It takes a while to start putting one foot in front of the other, especially if you have pending situations that have to be dealt with.

It gets better though, I', finding. Life grows and fills in around the void we have in the absence of these turmultious relationships and nature dictates that it does so in a healthy way if we allow it. For me I can look back and see that I did not allow my life to move in a healthy direction. I pursued our relationship and it's destruction to the exclusion of everything else. It was the mirroring, idealization I was constantly chasing.

You will get better. Some days it will send shivers up your spine thinking of all you tollerated. That's when I knew I was healing because before I was conditioned to accept these things as normal. Good luck my friend.

[AwakenedOne]

At the moment I'm just laughing at this memory.

Laughing at something that was so traumatic that you believe could have induced PTSD is a bit of an unusual reaction.  We don't usually laugh at seriously threatening events in or life... . or chronic struggles unless we are distancing ourselves from or own true emotions.

Do you think the mock and ridicule is a shield over a more difficult emotion?

After hearing I'm the "greatest guy in the world" stuff at the start of our marriage it's hard to let ones mind think this person will ever hate me and abandon the marriage in a cruel and heartless way... . Felt that me trying to make things work and a ton of efforts and nice gestures would matter... . She made her family think she's an angel and I'm no good. She abandoned me with no emotion. Well actually anger and the look of disgust was there at moments during "the dumping". We both had to vacate our apartment... . She took our only car, money, most of our stuff, caused me to lose my job and other problems... .

This sounds like an incredibly heartbreaking and devastating loss.

Yes it was a heartbreaking and devastating loss but after almost 8 months now of NC I am doing good and moving on with life. Sure it was rough for a while. Each day now brings more real sunshine into my life. I realize the devastating loss is that I lost someone who is sick and doesn't care about me or that I lost someone who is cruel and doesn't care about me. Whatever, it's really their loss. A laugh moment is a positive thing to me. I deserve a smile. I think back at all of this and think how bizarre a lot of it was, that's all. I have had enough grief. I refuse to be a lifetime victim. This works for me. Thanks for the response Skip.

[AwakenedOne]

Life grows and fills in around the void we have in the absence of these turmultious relationships and nature dictates that it does so in a healthy way if we allow it.

buddy1226,

Very insightful thought. Good luck to you as well my friend.

AO