Hi

[Allmessedup]

Hi everyone,

I am popping over here from the leaving board.  My ex and I are attempting to rekindle a friendship and I am hoping to learn from you the best ways to help that be successful.

Quick summary,

My ex is dxBPD. About 30 years ago.  Years of intensive therapy left her quite able to function and live a normal life.  We met about 9 years ago, were casual friends.  Then 3.5 years ago we began an intimate relationship.  We both triggered each other like crazy.  My FOO stuff was huge... . her medical illness lead to an increase of behaviors.  Break up recycle.  That's what we did.  Over and over and over... .   About 3 months ago we broke up for what I thought was the last time.  I found the leaving board... . was making my way out of the FOG.  established and maintained nc.  I started working and focusing on me.  Started detaching.

Last night my ex emailed me to see if we could try to rebuild our friendship.  I was initially pretty pissy about it, but I responded eventually and we spent a great deal of time talking via text about what happened and why.

Boundaries were set up and ground rules were established.

I don't know if this is going to be possible or not... . but I want to try this one last time. 

I was pretty damn blunt with her without becoming emotional.  Told her what I need to work on and why.  Told her I was seeing a lot of BPD behavior in her as well and I wanted to work on that too.  She was receptive but a bit guarded.  Which doesn't surprise me.  She worked really hard to get control of her emotions and behaviors.  I am sure it was shocking to realize that they were reappearing.

This may end badly for us both but she knows the skills and I know I need to learn how to communicate better and not become engulfed in her.  So I figure it's worth the chance.  I care about her very much and even if we end up just as friends the work will be worth it.

So I look forward with chatting and learning from you all

Amu

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Welcome!  

We are glad to have you here. I hope this try works out well for you. Sounds like you are better prepared for it at least. Don't worry if it does not though as this will be an opportunity to improve yourself. So either way it is a win-win IMHO. Just focus on the positives and never forget to take care of yourself first.

TTYS

LINE

[Katy-Did]

Greetings!  Welcome to the Staying Board.     To those of us who choose to remain in a BPD relationship, you can offer a different perspective.  Likewise, there are many here who have wonderful insight and wisdom you may find helpful. 

[an0ught]

Hi Allmessedup,

I started working and focusing on me.  Started detaching.

Last night my ex emailed me to see if we could try to rebuild our friendship.  I was initially pretty pissy about it, but I responded eventually and we spent a great deal of time talking via text about what happened and why.

Boundaries were set up and ground rules were established.

I don't know if this is going to be possible or not... . but I want to try this one last time.  



I was pretty damn blunt with her without becoming emotional.  Told her what I need to work on and why.  Told her I was seeing a lot of BPD behavior in her as well and I wanted to work on that too.  She was receptive but a bit guarded.  Which doesn't surprise me.  She worked really hard to get control of her emotions and behaviors.  I am sure it was shocking to realize that they were reappearing.

This may end badly for us both but she knows the skills and I know I need to learn how to communicate better and not become engulfed in her. So I figure it's worth the chance.  I care about her very much and even if we end up just as friends the work will be worth it.

welcome on board here. You were detaching and of course don't want to slip back. This requires work on your boundaries. So far you have seen boundaries more like a b&w matter i.e. NC and the like. Here on the staying board boundaries are a tiny bit more a grey matter and are typically a bit more complex to think through to avoid feeding the conflict. In the end it all boils down to controlling yourself (agreed rules are nice but pwBPD will step over them once in a while) which requires a certain degree of detachment. Properly implemented they help from becoming enmeshed.

Another step will be moving the language from blunt to a bit more gradual. There is nothing wrong with being straight also on negative stuff (in fact ability of expression of negative emotions is a real plus for staying) but we have to take the other party into account or we risk invalidating it. Right now both parties are still raw so such straight talk is actually validating but over time other emotional situations will arise and a validation guided approach is needed. Validation is a key skill for a establishing and maintaining a healthy connection.