What is the psychological reason for a recycle AFTER the have painted you black?

[expos]

We all know that they come back whenever they fail with their latest replacement.   But didn’t they just paint you black and hate you eternally?  So what CAUSES them to change their opinion on you if you were the worst person in the world?  What is the scientific reason for this? 

I think a healthy, sane person is able to make firm decisions on who they do and do not like.  I think when I love someone, I do love them always, no matter what happened.   People who I've disliked and don't want anything to do with, I never will go back to.

So what, SCIENTIFICALLY makes these people with BPD change their tune on someone they once hated.  If they come back, what type of excuse did they give you for the recycle? 

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Im no psychologist so I cant speak to the science of it, but I AM a pattern thinker, so I use patterns to make sense of it. I suppose its the same process that leads them to come snuggle after a rage, or the same process that makes them change their minds all the time, the impulsivity (emotionally) just takes over. Some of these stories seem to show someone painted black and staying black for a long time, and others are painted and repainted in quick succession, so I guess its hard to tell if a person will come back into grace or not.

[Fool for Love]

I don't think they always come Back ... But I understand your wondering . I look at it this way ... My exgf cheated , lied and whatever else . I can honestly say that I am

Not mad or angry ... I am heartbroken and hurt ... So when they paint you black their minds think different . Now as far as if the reverse the painted black

I think like stated above it's the "emotion for the moment" and the control they seek ... I remember mine telling me she can't be alone ... That has something to do with it also ...

[Mutt]

Painted black is a slang term.

Some come back, some don't.

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

It's a defense mechanism, to protect against anxiety. It's subconscious and pwBPD don't have control over it.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

People who I've disliked and don't want anything to do with, I never will go back to.

Is this not splitting someone black and looking only at the negative qualities?

[seeking balance]

We all know that they come back whenever they fail with their latest replacement.   

Not necessarily - this is not a black/white issue.  It is emotionally and attachment based - not about a failure of a new relationship per se'.

But didn’t they just paint you black and hate you eternally? 

Eternally?  Dramatic verbiage there, wouldn't you say?

pwBPD is emotional dysregulation seen in intimate relationships.  The easiest way I found to think about the mood swing is to think of them like an emotional 3 year old when dysregulated.  A 3 year old can literally love you when you are playing with them and then when you tell them it is time to go to bed, they will say "I Hate you, I don't want to".  A 3 year old has not learned to regulate their emotions yet, this is similar to a pwBPD who may paint you black today and tomorrow be just fine talking to you.

So what CAUSES them to change their opinion on you if you were the worst person in the world?  What is the scientific reason for this? 

Reading articles on this site and other credible sources; one of the reasons is "real or perceived abandonment"

What do you mean by scientific?

I think a healthy, sane person is able to make firm decisions on who they do and do not like.  I think when I love someone, I do love them always, no matter what happened.   People who I've disliked and don't want anything to do with, I never will go back to.

Ok - BPD is a diagnosed mental illness; why are you comparing a sane person to someone with a serious mental illness? 

So what, SCIENTIFICALLY makes these people with BPD change their tune on someone they once hated.  If they come back, what type of excuse did they give you for the recycle? 

Nons get stuck on the word recycle ... . what do you actually mean by recycle?

Sometimes they want to be friendly, sometimes they need to vent and sometimes they want to resume a romantic involvement - these reasons are no different than when a non does the same thing actually.  The difference is we get so hurt from these relationships that we are not able to see that a lot of the time.

From a clinical standpoint, pwBPD emotionally dysregulate and tend to use maladaptive coping skills to soothe themselves... . this might look like calling an inappropriate person (YOU).

It isn't about YOU, it is about them soothing their emotions.

[fromheeltoheal]

Nothing is eternal for a BPD sufferer, except the disorder.  A borderline lives in a continuous push/pull; get too close they feel engulfed, get too far away they feel abandoned.  Plus, at some point in the cycle we become a trigger, as well as a place to project all their crap, we become both the cause of the strife and it's solution, the scapegoat.  Although that doesn't last, a symptom of the disorder is a "A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation" with emphasis on the alternating.  If a BPD sufferer is having a bad day and needs soothing, they might just turn to an ex to see if an attachment is still there.

It's up to you how long you stay on that rollercoaster.  There will never be consistency, reliability, and only periods of relative calm as breaks in the chaos.  Best to shift the focus to you and dig deep to find answers to the reasons you ignored red flags and put up with what you did; fertile field for profound growth there.  Take care of you!

[Turkish]

We all know that they come back whenever they fail with their latest replacement.   

Not necessarily - this is not a black/white issue.  It is emotionally and attachment based - not about a failure of a new relationship per se'.

But didn’t they just paint you black and hate you eternally? 

Eternally?  Dramatic verbiage there, wouldn't you say?

pwBPD is emotional dysregulation seen in intimate relationships.  The easiest way I found to think about the mood swing is to think of them like an emotional 3 year old when dysregulated.  A 3 year old can literally love you when you are playing with them and then when you tell them it is time to go to bed, they will say "I Hate you, I don't want to".  A 3 year old has not learned to regulate their emotions yet, this is similar to a pwBPD who may paint you black today and tomorrow be just fine talking to you.

Given that our son was 3 during the year long detachment, I got to compare the behaviors of him and his mom in the "clinical" setting of our home. He went through a phase for around 6 months where if he were triggered, we would say "I love you!" and he would reply, "I don't love you." We haven't taught him the word "hate." He did this to her once and she was taken aback. I told her that it was normal and that he split her black because she wasn't meeting his emotional needs at the moment. I said he'd be back to saying "I love you!" in a few hours, and he was. I left out the part where I felt like saying,"he's just like you!" It wouldn't have been productive. DD1's mood swings, though not as severe and a lot shorter than her brother's, can be just as fickle.

The core abandonment wound for the pwBPD likely happened around 1-2 years of age, usually not more than 3. Hence the trigger back to the emotional state when the wound happened. My uBPDx told me once that she didn't start talking until she was 5. Her wound runs deep... .

[restoredsight]

My uBPDx told me once that she didn't start talking until she was 5. Her wound runs deep... .

It was some sort of "joke" around their house that my ex's mom "forgot" to potty train her... .

She had to do it herself.

[blissful_camper]

It's all based on "need" isn't it?   Remember that when anyone places another high up on a pedestal (idealization), the fall from grace is never very far. 

[coolioqq]

We all know that they come back whenever they fail with their latest replacement.   But didn’t they just paint you black and hate you eternally?  So what CAUSES them to change their opinion on you if you were the worst person in the world?  What is the scientific reason for this?  

I think a healthy, sane person is able to make firm decisions on who they do and do not like.  I think when I love someone, I do love them always, no matter what happened.   People who I've disliked and don't want anything to do with, I never will go back to.

So what, SCIENTIFICALLY makes these people with BPD change their tune on someone they once hated.  If they come back, what type of excuse did they give you for the recycle?  

Everything in their behavior is, in one way or the other, tied back to the amygdala - a primitive part of the brain invoking anxiety and alerting the rest of the brain of imminent danger. When amygdala is dysfunctional, life becomes an agony for the sufferer and any rational brain reaction may be quickly overriden by fear coming from amygdala. If they are abandoned, amygdala shouts ":)ANGER!" Since it is easier to recycle a codependent ex than find a new "victim," recycling suffices to pwBPD as a "quick fix." Amygdalic function is strong enough to counteract the "painted you black part." Also, painting black/white is not necessarily forever. It probably changes frequently, but presence of access to other partners may eliminate the need to recycle even when split white. They operate on the attract/repel borderline. That's coming straight from the amygdala. Any primitive, black/white mental function, is amygdalic... . So, we are talking about people whose most active part of the brain happens to be one of the most primitive ones... .

[expos]

Everything in their behavior is, in one way or the other, tied back to the amygdala - a primitive part of the brain invoking anxiety and alerting the rest of the brain of imminent danger. When amygdala is dysfunctional, life becomes an agony for the sufferer and any rational brain reaction may be quickly overriden by fear coming from amygdala. If they are abandoned, amygdala shouts ":)ANGER!" Since it is easier to recycle a codependent ex than find a new "victim," recycling suffices to pwBPD as a "quick fix." Amygdalic function is strong enough to counteract the "painted you black part." Also, painting black/white is not necessarily forever. It probably changes frequently, but presence of access to other partners may eliminate the need to recycle even when split white. They operate on the attract/repel borderline. That's coming straight from the amygdala. Any primitive, black/white mental function, is amygdalic... . So, we are talking about people whose most active part of the brain happens to be one of the most primitive ones... .

This is good response.  Thanks.

[Skip]

So what, SCIENTIFICALLY makes these people with BPD change their tune on someone they once hated.  If they come back, what type of excuse did they give you for the recycle?  

Hopefully when we say "these people" we are including ourselves as surveys here show that our member actually makes-ups more than our SO's.

So why do we keep returning to the relationship.

• Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them or are we returning to this relationship because it feels safe?  

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again (a hard one to admit, but I’ve read it many times)?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

And I think the same types of reasons are true for our partners.

Survey:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0