Do I have to disregard all the good things she made me feel?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

... . in order to get over all the bad things she made me feel?

This girl, at times, made me feel so incredible. It wasn't only the sex. It was the extreme bond she and I had. I felt an intensity of love that I never had for anyone. I literally lost myself in her. She became extremely jealous and controlling and the double standards were mind boggling. I'm not jealous by nature. I had no problem cutting off contact with ex girlfriends to appease her mind. I did take issue where every time we were served by a waitress, she acused my polite etiquette for extreme flirtation. I stopped wanting to go anywhere with her. It turns out just a few months into our relationship, she suffered a death in her extended family. Her ex boyfriend reached out. And after a while I grew increasingly

Uncomfortable as she pushed me away and drew closer to him inch by inch. She didn't even want me at the wake. I felt selfish to be hurt by this, as I knew she was going through a lot. But I ended up going anyway... . it didn't make sense that just weeks prior, she spoke of how I was the one she wanted to marry and then suddenly I was excluded from such a key event in her life. I felt so sad for her and her family. Her mother requested that i come to the funeral as well. And I followed through. And it saddens me so to say this, but the funeral was one of the worst days of my life. The way in which my BPD gf treated me that day resonates to crippling effects. I feel so selfish to take a day like her grandfathers funeral, and say that this day was among the worst days of MY life. But it truly was pure anguish to get through this day. She ended up leaving me for her ex just 3 weeks later, but was back in my life 2 weeks after that. I didn't even know she'd left me for her ex.

Do I need to let go of all the good feelings she made me feel in order to get over the bad things she made me feel?

[JohnThorn]

... . in order to get over all the bad things she made me feel?

This girl, at times, made me feel so incredible. It wasn't only the sex. It was the extreme bond she and I had. I felt an intensity of love that I never had for anyone. I literally lost myself in her. She became extremely jealous and controlling and the double standards were mind boggling. I'm not jealous by nature. I had no problem cutting off contact with ex girlfriends to appease her mind. I did take issue where every time we were served by a waitress, she acused my polite etiquette for extreme flirtation. I stopped wanting to go anywhere with her. It turns out just a few months into our relationship, she suffered a death in her extended family. Her ex boyfriend reached out. And after a while I grew increasingly

Uncomfortable as she pushed me away and drew closer to him inch by inch. She didn't even want me at the wake. I felt selfish to be hurt by this, as I knew she was going through a lot. But I ended up going anyway... . it didn't make sense that just weeks prior, she spoke of how I was the one she wanted to marry and then suddenly I was excluded from such a key event in her life. I felt so sad for her and her family. Her mother requested that i come to the funeral as well. And I followed through. And it saddens me so to say this, but the funeral was one of the worst days of my life. The way in which my BPD gf treated me that day resonates to crippling effects. I feel so selfish to take a day like her grandfathers funeral, and say that this day was among the worst days of MY life. But it truly was pure anguish to get through this day. She ended up leaving me for her ex just 3 weeks later, but was back in my life 2 weeks after that. I didn't even know she'd left me for her ex.

Do I need to let go of all the good feelings she made me feel in order to get over the bad things she made me feel?

[Skip]

It turns out just a few months into our relationship, she suffered a death in her extended family. Her ex boyfriend reached out. And after a while I grew increasingly

Uncomfortable as she pushed me away and drew closer to him inch by inch. She didn't even want me at the wake.

What was the story with the ex - how long had they been broken up?  How long together.  How did it end? 

[myself]

Remember the good and the bad.

See her as a whole person.

The relationship as a whole relationship.

We each hang on, deny, and accept in our own ways.

It can take many pieces of the puzzle to see the bigger picture.

Be sure to see yourself as a whole person, too.

[paul16]

Short answer to your question? Yes.

[JohnThorn]

It turns out just a few months into our relationship, she suffered a death in her extended family. Her ex boyfriend reached out. And after a while I grew increasingly

Uncomfortable as she pushed me away and drew closer to him inch by inch. She didn't even want me at the wake.

What was the story with the ex - how long had they been broken up?  How long together.  How did it end? 

I spent over an hour writing a response to this, going detail by detail, but then I realized in doing this, I was not moving on. 

I will say she dated me in very close proximity to ending things with her ex.  They were together for 2 years.  But she was dishonest on so many counts, that I did not really know what was going on behind the scenes.  What's so upsetting is how much I did to appease her jealousy.  In trying to accommodate her needs, I permanently destroyed several friendships I had.  Meanwhile, she was deceptive and never gave back what she put in.  I never even asked her to make any accommodations.  I took no issue with her having male friends in the beginning.  Then slowly I started to see the forest from the trees. But I am very trusting person, because when it comes to key elements, I am a very honest relationship partner.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and she really took advantage of that.

[paul16]

I can tell a similar story complete with many heinous deceptions that looking back on I can't even see how a person can pull it off.

It was a life experience and I learned from it and enjoyed like any other.

You are the important one JohnThorn and your honesty and forthrightness about living life make it possible for you to have the experiences and feelings that you do. She cannot experience those feelings. If you have feelings for her they should be ones of pity.

[coolioqq]

This girl, at times, made me feel so incredible. It wasn't only the sex. It was the extreme bond she and I had. I felt an intensity of love that I never had for anyone. I literally lost myself in her.

... .

Do I need to let go of all the good feelings she made me feel in order to get over the bad things she made me feel?

Same here. I loved her with all my being. But there's a catch. That, my friend, does not meet the definition of love. What did you or I get back? On my end, it was spiritual. On her end, it was clearly physical as she said she doesn't even know what she feels. That was the only complete truth that ever left her lips.

I chose to disregard the (frankly not too many) good things and break it off. Everything else, for me, would result in further entanglement in her web of lies, manipulation and, worst of all, lack of love and respect for me.

What is true in your case?