Talking to friends about my relationship with BPD woman

[JohnThorn]

I depend on my friends for compassion and an ear as I try to walk away. But what I find is that friend after friend seem to view my inclusion of a BPD in the equation as a total cop out. They see it as a way for me to not take responsibility for the relationship's failings. My carpool buddy and I have spent the most time discussing this relationship of all my friends. And in his opinion, the whole BPD thing is bogus. He tries to give me tough love and says "man, I've heard your stories and your relationship failed because you let her walk all over you like a pussy. Man, you'll go to therapists and go on forums and you'll all boohoo about some weird diagnosis, but the reality is, she's just a girl looking for a dude to man up and take control of the relationship and that wasn't you bro, sorry. She'll eventually find someone who puts her in her place but you're too soft for her."

I can't say I walk away from these conversations feeling good.

Based on what I've been thru, I KNOW she has BPD. And I have even had her say to me she thinks she has it, then later she reforms it to, I think I have BPD but only when you're in my life.

When you guys go to friends, have you run into similar disparaging and degrading versions of tough love? Should I consider comments like this as potentially true?

[mapys]

LOL   I would like to see that man who will put a Borderline in her place

Don't take them seriously - they haven't experienced it so they don't know. They are operation with knowledge what they have.

When I was younger I also thought psychology is a pseudoscience but then I took the psychoanalysis course (just to see what it is all about) and recent BPD experience and the things I have learned due to this experience has convinced me - it is a valid science, just different.

The reaction from my nearest pals was - can't you work it out. No ! Ok, then, next subject. One of them had a BPD mother and he had experienced this craziness - he was the only one, who kept repeating me - get out, get out - she will wear you down.

[JohnThorn]

The strangest part of all of it, the part that wears me down more than any other, is I feel as though my BPD ex experiences some degree of sincere remorse for what she does. I really think she doesn't like being the way she is. But she feels shame and will not confront it head on. Maybe I'm incorrect. Maybe it's all an act, but I really don't think so. I think more than anything, that's the element of her that has kept me in arm's reach. I read all these accounts of how pwBPD have no real remorse for their actions. And I don't believe she is remorse-less. I think she feels as trapped as I do, maybe more? She admits that she ruined our relationship. But she blames me for being more reactive than any other guy she's ever been with. It gets very confusing.

[fromheeltoheal]

My experience is instead of diagnosing your ex with a mental illness to your friends, which can sound like copping out and blaming to the uninformed, tell them about the behaviors instead.  I found telling people about the abuse, emasculation, disrespect, lies, and infidelity were much easier to relate to, and also that I tolerated it for a time because I got lost.  People who really care about you will stand with you through that, and sure, tough love has it's place, but sometimes we need gentle love too, and the right people will give us that.  And of course there are mental health professionals who know about the disorder and can help you there, if you need it.

[mapys]

There is no remorse.

I have seen it with my own eyes - all the actions are aimed to get us back which suits their needs. They can't empathize with you. Yes, they feel shame because you left - they feel unworthy and want to change that, but that is not a remorse.

Talking about empathy - I have witnessed it so many times - there is nothing in there. Reaction to tragic news - oh, where is the remote - I wanna watch movie. The reaction when my gf held a baby (her "friend's" baby) - blank - like holding a piece of wood - oh please don't **** on me ! (That was the moment when it was so clear to me - she will never be a good mother). Reminds me a robot.

Technically they can do everything - mimic. If you are ok with that - good!

[JohnThorn]

I told my BPD ex just 3 days ago that the toll our relationship has taken on me has literally caused me to lose my sanity. That I had been truly questioning if I would take my own life just to escape. She broke down and said "you have no idea how sad this makes me". I could tell she was tearing. She then said "I just won't call you anymore". I said "thank you" and we parted ways.

Was that not real remorse?

[mapys]

I don't see it as remorse. Where do you see remorse?

I see:

1) You have no idea how sad this makes ME - it is about her not you!

2) I just won't call you anymore - Do whatever you want - I don't want to be responsible.

And that is it. A really concerned person who would feel remorse would talk about YOU, your feelings, would try to help you, would contact your relatives, would express their concern. That is what I understand - caring and feeling remorse.

Sorry, but that is how I see it. I have experienced this myself. No remorse. And I say it because there is no action, just words. If words are not enough then actually doing something is too much of an effort.

[JohnThorn]

Wow! You're so right.

It reminds of December. My mental state began to unravel. She and I were still together. But I was being abused left and right. I was fully immersed in between the hater/clinger phases. Every time I walked away she would beg me and show such remorse.

One day I missed work because I flipping out inside. And I told her I was going off the deep end. She contacted my therapist. And she expressed deep concern. She looked heroic. I even thanked her for really looking out for me.

A week later she left me for her ex boyfriend without even telling me. She literally called me up the day after New Years and said "I have to say goodbye. I'm sorry". I couldn't understand. Then we reunited in late January but her disgruntled ex got hip to what was going on and contacted me.

Is it possible they feel remorse while they feel it, but it's not lasting?

[JohnThorn]

She says to me things like "I've treated you terribly, cheated, hurt you... . IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET YOU AWAY FROM ME. IM DESTRUCTIVE AND I KNOW IM TOXIC FOR YOU. That's why I do all these bad things. I want you to move on and find someone good for you. I'm clearly not." Then minutes later "I meant everything I said to you on Sunday (namely about still being in love with me)... . she has portrayed her ex boyfriends as villains who she never truly loved. But then simultaneously, in different times she tells me that she knows she loved them but she destroyed the relationship. Her ex boyfriend told me that she told her that I had raped her when we first had sex. And I found out thru friends that this rape account was nicely spread within our social circle. She claims she never used that word, but that she did say that I took advantage of her because she was drinking etc.

I'm lost as to why I ever fell for this person.

Something MUST be very wrong with me. This can't just happen to anyone

[ScotisGone74]

Personally after telling my buddies the stories of the relationship, they did show me some tough love, but they also knew she was crazy.   Many of my buddies themselves had previous run ins or had family that had dealt with BPD s.   BPD s affect a lot of people with all the jumping around they do.   Your true friends will certainly question the red flags you observed and why you didn't pay attention to those warning signs.  

[mapys]

Everything will be fine - don't beat yourself up!

I also supposed that my gf "sent me signals" (I just ignored them). We had late night talks, where she would cry and say - "How can I do this to you? You deserve better etc". And I just tried to calm her down. Well - maybe there is something very tiny (remorse-like) within them but it sure gets overwhelmed by their usual actions. Very hard to explain. To me it felt like there are at least 3 different persons within one body. And the pure one was trying to warn me but the window of communication was extremely short.

In the mean time - to get your mind of these obsessive thoughts - go watch some stand-up comedy on youtube - Bill Burr, Chirs Rock, good old George Carlin - it will help to divert your thought a little bit (helped me).

[Paul M]

Hey johnthorn

Yes I know how you feel.

I'm two months out NC.

The first few weeks I was at a place in my head I had never been before. It was so hard. I'm a strong person but this r/s totally shook my foundations. I wasn't me anymore. I struggled to get my head round it.I still am to a much less extent. Time does help but there will always be a part of me that has changed thru this learning curve. I accept that.

As far as friends and family, they did listen to begin with and tried there best to help. I don't even mention BPD anymore because they just think I'm a nutter. I knew in my gut from day one she was different but never knew how and what type of different. Theses people don't understand because they haven't lived it.

I do most of my venting on here.

I look back now and feel embarrassed of how weak I became so quickly when I'm normally the strong one everyone else relays on for guidance and advice. I actually cringe. But you know what don't break you makes you stronger long term.

All the best