I need help for any type of family get together with uDIL.

[Depression = 72% of members]

OK, I could use some suggestions for help. MY uDIL is off the charts jealous of my two daughters. At my oldest daughters engagement party my uDIL hid in a closet and cried the my daughter never liked her. My son of course went and got his sister and the majority of her party she was inside talking to my uDIL trying to convince her that she was liked. This was a disaster. Ever since meeting my eldest daughter my uDIL seems to have made it her mission in life to convince my son that we don't love him or their children as much as we love my daughter and her child.

We were so innocent and had never heard of BPD before and had never had anyone like this in our life. We just kept trying to make her understand we did like her and wanted to get to know her. Then we would do something terrible like jump in the car to go to a store and if my uDIL ended up in the back seat we would here from my son later that we had broken her heart and how could we treat her like that... .

I took her in when she was very sick and pregnant and took care of her and her little one. We let them live with us. For what I did she seemed to take everything we talked about and turn it around and tell my son we didn't love him. This was such a bunch of hurtful baloney as the one thing I knew in life was that I was a very good Mom and loved all my children. She would take things like me talking about how my daughter learned to read early in life and combine it with how we talked about how our son loved matchbox cars. Then she would tell our son we said he was stupid and could only play with cars while his sister was so much smarter than him she learned to read early. We were constantly shocked.

Then one of our sons came down with a terrible form of pneumonia and died. He was a beautiful, sweet and kind young man. We were devastated. Our son and uDIL lived in another state by then. My husband and I of course were in morning along with all of our family. Our uDIL decided I was morning too long and did everything she could to convince my son I loved his dead brother more. She then cut us off from our grandchildren because we were too unhealthy to be around them. We felt like we had lost two sons.

Another time when they came back to live in our city, she had became angry again... . I don't remember why... . and she took our youngest daughter, who we adopted as a special needs baby and had a nervous disorder, into a bedroom and told her that she should never believe her mommy loves her. That I would always lie to her and say I do but that I don't really love her. I think our little daughter was about 8yrs old right then... . Our little daughter came to us and we comforted her and told her that the uDIL has a problem in her mind and that it is a sickness. I also had to promise her that she would never ever have to be alone with her again.

It just goes on and on. I searched out her symptoms years ago and bought the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. The book was very helpful as we go through the constant ups and downs with our son. I can hear her in the background whenever we talk to our son. She says the most horrible things about us in front of our grandchildren. This is the part that is just so heartbreaking. It also heartbreaking to see our son allow her to say horrible things and believe we love his siblings more than him. Most of the time he looks like a zombie when we see him. I don't understand how he can keep going.

2013 was and incredibly hard year for us. My dad became ill and I had to be at the hospital with him. When I would leave him I would go to his house for a while to be with my mom who was dying and be with her and her hospice workers a bit. Finally my dad was well enough to come home and then my mom got worse and died in my arms. It was an incredibly sacred experience but I was exhausted. Then we lost our business because of the economy. Then I became deathly sick with an illness from black mold. We had had a flash flood a couple of years ago which flooded our home. We were unaware of the mold growing behind our walls. I ended up having to be on oxygen and my daughter had to come get me and take me to her house. I was going into convulsions from the mold toxins going to my brain. We tried to short sell our home with the understanding that the new owners would know about the black mold and the clean up that had to be done. No one wanted the house and the bank put it up for auction.

Our special needs son turned 15 and got into major trouble and is now in a special center to help him and get him back on his feet. This was another devastating blow for us. He just blocked us out and got into trouble. He is doing amazingly well now and we are so proud of him. So the problem we have now is that we agreed to let our son married to the uDIL have contact with his little brother. This was a huge mistake. She has gotten involved and is saying all kinds of hurtful things to him about how now that we are living with out daughter until we find our own safe house for me that we are not on his side. That we are against him. We have let his counselor know and they are working on what to do about repairing the damage.

We also have a wedding coming up. Our new DIL to be is very quiet and sweet... . the other uDIL got a hold of her and is now a bridesmaid in the wedding. We are on the bad list again because I made a card for my granddaughter and bought her a present but did not call on her birthday. Well actually... . I don't think we have every really been on her good list for longer than a month or so. The tough part for us is that we can never win. If we had called on her birthday we would be accused of butting into family time. Or the call would have been OK and we would have been stuck on the phone for no less than 2 hrs hearing about anything our uDIL wanted to talk about.

We are hurt that our son allowed her to say bad things about us to our son in the center. She also tries to sat things to the other brothers who want nothing to do with her. They meet once in a while to see their brother.

I know she is ill. I need to keep my youngest children safe from her. The wedding is coming up and we are praying she doesn't cause a big scene. Our youngest daughter, the one she told that her mommy will never love her, is also a bridesmaid. She is a teenager now but still has a nervous disorder and doesn't want to be alone with her. We will do everything we can to have a peaceful and beautiful wedding.

After the wedding is over we will have to confront them on what they have said to our son who is getting help.

I hoping I will get some suggestions on here about how to live with an uDIL. How to keep the peace at family get togethers and how to keep our youngest safe while still having some type of relationship with their brother. I would also love some ideas about how you stay in touch with your son and grandchildren. I know this is long so thank you for taking the time to read it.

[Peaceful Life]

OK, I could use some suggestions for help. MY uDIL is off the charts jealous of my two daughters. At my oldest daughters engagement party my uDIL hid in a closet and cried the my daughter never liked her. My son of course went and got his sister and the majority of her party she was inside talking to my uDIL trying to convince her that she was liked. This was a disaster. Ever since meeting my eldest daughter my uDIL seems to have made it her mission in life to convince my son that we don't love him or their children as much as we love my daughter and her child.

We were so innocent and had never heard of BPD before and had never had anyone like this in our life. We just kept trying to make her understand we did like her and wanted to get to know her. Then we would do something terrible like jump in the car to go to a store and if my uDIL ended up in the back seat we would here from my son later that we had broken her heart and how could we treat her like that... .

I took her in when she was very sick and pregnant and took care of her and her little one. We let them live with us. For what I did she seemed to take everything we talked about and turn it around and tell my son we didn't love him. This was such a bunch of hurtful baloney as the one thing I knew in life was that I was a very good Mom and loved all my children. She would take things like me talking about how my daughter learned to read early in life and combine it with how we talked about how our son loved matchbox cars. Then she would tell our son we said he was stupid and could only play with cars while his sister was so much smarter than him she learned to read early. We were constantly shocked.

Then one of our sons came down with a terrible form of pneumonia and died. He was a beautiful, sweet and kind young man. We were devastated. Our son and uDIL lived in another state by then. My husband and I of course were in morning along with all of our family. Our uDIL decided I was morning too long and did everything she could to convince my son I loved his dead brother more. She then cut us off from our grandchildren because we were too unhealthy to be around them. We felt like we had lost two sons.

Another time when they came back to live in our city, she had became angry again... . I don't remember why... . and she took our youngest daughter, who we adopted as a special needs baby and had a nervous disorder, into a bedroom and told her that she should never believe her mommy loves her. That I would always lie to her and say I do but that I don't really love her. I think our little daughter was about 8yrs old right then... . Our little daughter came to us and we comforted her and told her that the uDIL has a problem in her mind and that it is a sickness. I also had to promise her that she would never ever have to be alone with her again.

It just goes on and on. I searched out her symptoms years ago and bought the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. The book was very helpful as we go through the constant ups and downs with our son. I can hear her in the background whenever we talk to our son. She says the most horrible things about us in front of our grandchildren. This is the part that is just so heartbreaking. It also heartbreaking to see our son allow her to say horrible things and believe we love his siblings more than him. Most of the time he looks like a zombie when we see him. I don't understand how he can keep going.

2013 was and incredibly hard year for us. My dad became ill and I had to be at the hospital with him. When I would leave him I would go to his house for a while to be with my mom who was dying and be with her and her hospice workers a bit. Finally my dad was well enough to come home and then my mom got worse and died in my arms. It was an incredibly sacred experience but I was exhausted. Then we lost our business because of the economy. Then I became deathly sick with an illness from black mold. We had had a flash flood a couple of years ago which flooded our home. We were unaware of the mold growing behind our walls. I ended up having to be on oxygen and my daughter had to come get me and take me to her house. I was going into convulsions from the mold toxins going to my brain. We tried to short sell our home with the understanding that the new owners would know about the black mold and the clean up that had to be done. No one wanted the house and the bank put it up for auction.

Our special needs son turned 15 and got into major trouble and is now in a special center to help him and get him back on his feet. This was another devastating blow for us. He just blocked us out and got into trouble. He is doing amazingly well now and we are so proud of him. So the problem we have now is that we agreed to let our son married to the uDIL have contact with his little brother. This was a huge mistake. She has gotten involved and is saying all kinds of hurtful things to him about how now that we are living with out daughter until we find our own safe house for me that we are not on his side. That we are against him. We have let his counselor know and they are working on what to do about repairing the damage.

We also have a wedding coming up. Our new DIL to be is very quiet and sweet... . the other uDIL got a hold of her and is now a bridesmaid in the wedding. We are on the bad list again because I made a card for my granddaughter and bought her a present but did not call on her birthday. Well actually... . I don't think we have every really been on her good list for longer than a month or so. The tough part for us is that we can never win. If we had called on her birthday we would be accused of butting into family time. Or the call would have been OK and we would have been stuck on the phone for no less than 2 hrs hearing about anything our uDIL wanted to talk about.

We are hurt that our son allowed her to say bad things about us to our son in the center. She also tries to sat things to the other brothers who want nothing to do with her. They meet once in a while to see their brother.

I know she is ill. I need to keep my youngest children safe from her. The wedding is coming up and we are praying she doesn't cause a big scene. Our youngest daughter, the one she told that her mommy will never love her, is also a bridesmaid. She is a teenager now but still has a nervous disorder and doesn't want to be alone with her. We will do everything we can to have a peaceful and beautiful wedding.

After the wedding is over we will have to confront them on what they have said to our son who is getting help.

I hoping I will get some suggestions on here about how to live with an uDIL. How to keep the peace at family get togethers and how to keep our youngest safe while still having some type of relationship with their brother. I would also love some ideas about how you stay in touch with your son and grandchildren. I know this is long so thank you for taking the time to read it.

[coraliesolange]

I wish there weren't children put in the middle of all this.  Their lives must be hell and unfortunately most of the suggestions I can think of involve distancing yourself, which also distances you from the kids.  There are some techniques that work fairly well on a lot of pwBPD but unfortunately they seem to have changed the forums and unpinned some good resources.  Basically the idea is that when the pwBPD says something that seems outlandish, over exaggerated, just plain crazy, etc you don't react emotionally.  You acknowledge that they've said something but do so in a neutral tone by saying things like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and no more.  No ifs, ands or buts.  Acknowledge in a neutral tone and move on.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Peaceful Life & 

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with the problems with your Daughter-In-Law... . I really do know just how you feel. My own (youngest) son is married to a woman who I do believe is undiagnosed BPD. Our lives has been on a roller coaster since he married her almost 10 years ago. Things have, however, gotten so much better since I've found this site (I found it when my older son was diagnosed with BPD) a year ago. coraliesolange is right; there are many tools and techniques linked to on this site that can help you find ways to make things better with your D-I-L. In fact, the ones that I read that helped me immensely in dealing with my BPD son, and also my D-I-L, are here (I believe these are the ones she was talking about, above):

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Radical Acceptance for family members

Also, to the right-hand side of this page you will find many other useful links: Coping when a Family Member has BPD and the Lessons are helpful to understanding what you are dealing with, and how to make things better. What I've found with my own BPD loved ones is that once I understood how their minds work, and then learned the communication tools and techniques to stop pushing every one of their buttons, our relationships got a lot easier. The one Workshop that helped me the most with my D-I-L is: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

I participated in this Workshop, and you will get more of an idea of just how I learned how to make things better between myself and my younger son and D-I-L. I had the same problems with my own son as you are having with yours; I find that he is just trying to keep his wife happy and to do that, he has to get as angry at us as she is (when she is angry), in order for her to feel supported by him. So, if her perception of us is "off" at times, this causes him to see us that way, too, in order to keep the peace. I always say to my husband when he doesn't understand why our son is treating us strangely sometimes, "He's dancing as fast as he can in order to keep her happy... . "

Check out the links I've given you, Peaceful Life, when you have the chance. I guarantee that you will find some answers to your questions, and some ways to really have a peaceful life    And especially that Workshop about Empathy; it honestly changed my own life and I now have a very decent relationship with my D-I-L now, making my relationship with my son--her husband--very good, too... .

[Peaceful Life]

Thank you Coraliesolange. I appreciate your reply. The children being involved is the biggest challenge for us. My husband and I and our other adult children understand she has an illness. We don't react to her because we know that's what she wants. My challenge is my my two teenage children and what to do about grandchildren. I have no power over what is said to my grandchildren. None of us have. I do have power of my teenagers. Our daughter who is 14 was born a 1.5 LB preemie. She did not get to finish developing her nervous system and can become very shaky and upset. The only thing I can think to do at the wedding is to have one of us by our teen throughout the wedding. We are also have discussions about our uDIL's illness so she understands a little about what makes her tick.

[Peaceful Life]

Thank you Rapt Reader. I will definitely be checking out those tools. Have you ever talked to your son about his wife's undiagnosed illness? My husband and I were driving back the 3 hrs from meeting with our youngest son and his counselor and we were of course talking about what we just had to discuss. Our DIL was able to get our son who is in a youth home, to feel sorry for her. She said all kinds of things to get him to feel we will not support him. She does not come out and say "Your mom and dad don't love you. Your siblings don't love you." It is all manipulation. This son was adopted. He has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, is microcephalic and his hospital records show a huge list of drugs which were in his system at birth. We are doing everything we can to give him some resemblance of a good, normal life. He is an amazing artist and he has a big heart. Thankfully his counselor heard everything he said at our meeting. They will be watching all mail coming in from her and be right there for any phone calls. The first time they hear her say anything which they consider detrimental to his program, they will cut off contact.

Again thank you for sending me those links. I'm very grateful. I found this and will be making time to watch it. Have you ever seen it?  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pstv6FZZlQw

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Peaceful Life 

The last time my younger, non-BPD son and I talked about my now-D-I-L's behaviors was when they were dating, prior to their engagement. During the course of their dating life (one year maybe?) he used to call me regularly (he lives 5 hours away) about certain behaviors of hers that troubled him (they never lived together, by the way). These behaviors reminded him of his Dad (whose own Mom, my M-I-L, is definitely undiagnosed BPD, so his Dad--my Husband--has several BPD traits/behaviors learned from his Mom), and he wanted to know how I handled them.

At that time (more than 10 years ago) none of us had any knowledge of BPD. My M-I-L was just thought of as a very difficult person with hurtful and confusing behaviors; my Husband was thought of as less difficult, with sometimes hurtful and confusing behaviors; my future D-I-L was thought of as very much like my Husband, but worse sometimes. We actually never even connected her symptoms and behaviors as being exactly like my M-I-L's.

Once my son got engaged to my D-I-L, the phone calls stopped abruptly, and I used to wonder if her behaviors just magically disappeared with the security of the engagement. After they got married, however, I realized that she didn't change at all: my son just became stoically determined to protect her and be loyal to her. As the years passed, he started to think like her more and more, and her anger became his anger, her perception became his perception. I do feel like I lost the son I had known; he is not close to us in the way he used to be... . I knew that once they got married he would have a whole new life that wouldn't include us like it used to, but I didn't expect the long and reoccurring periods of No Contact or Limited Contact due to some perceived slight that we would unconsciously commit.

I have never discussed my hunch that she would have any Personality Disorder, no less Borderline Personality Disorder. A year ago, when my older son was diagnosed with BPD, I learned all I could about it and read all I could about it and realized that while my son was diagnosed with Low-Functioning BPD, my D-I-L & M-I-L would each be quite probably High-Functioning BPD. After I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger, I gave it to my younger son to read, telling him (with my older son's blessing) that it would help him understand his brother better. The real reason we all (my older son, my Husband and me) wanted my younger son to read it was for him to learn how to deal better with his wife, my D-I-L.

To my knowledge, he hasn't read it yet  :'(  I can't make him read it, and he isn't that interested in understanding his BPD brother, and I can't tell him that I think he should read it to help him with his wife, instead! I'm caught between that proverbial rock and a hard place. It saddens me to no end; I know that he struggles with dealing with his wife--who he loves gigantically--and they now have a child not quite a year old, so his dedication and loyalty to her is solid. So... . when she thinks we are the "bad guys", he does too.

But, it really hasn't happened in a long while, and I keep using the tools and techniques that I linked to in my last post, so things aren't really bad or anything between us. I just really want him to read that book so he can learn how to help his own self in that relationship. I just keep praying that he stumbles over it someday and decides to check it out for the heck of it. It's my "big prayer" 

[coraliesolange]

I definitely wouldn't talk to her kids about her illness since that could backfire and cause her to keep you from seeing them, but with your own daughter it might be a really good idea.  She's old enough to understand much more about it than she might have a few years ago and maybe that would help her to not take things so personally.  Maybe also teach her some of the techniques above so she has tools in case she gets in over her head.

[Peaceful Life]

Hi Coraliesolange, I wouldn't talk to her children, just my daughter who is still at home, and our 17 yr old who is in treatment right now. I did talk to my daughter again and explained to her the illness. Our 17 yr old, who has FAS, thinks we are picking on our uDIL right now and so feels sorry for her. (picking on her means we didn't agree with something she told him) FAS is almost identical to BPD and so he feels he is right and won't listen to any explanations from us. The day might come for us to talk to him and have him listen. 

[Peaceful Life]

Thank you Rapt Reader   I'm studying everything I can get my hands on. It is so strange when we feel the loss of a son this way. I can deal with it though much better than my uDIL saying things to my teens. It seems to be her goal in life to separate our children from us. I know this is because of her own feeling of abandonment and hurt inside. I need to find the way to talk to her after she has done very hurtful things.