I feel like I am dying

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I can't take this anymore! Why am I doing this to myself! I can't take it any more.

We were going to take a 3 month break, but now we are not. We had a text battle all day on Friday. Someone was telling him stuff I did and I don’t even know what that was or if I even did it or if it was just talk and that his friends didn’t like how I was treating him. He told me everyone hates me. I don’t even know what I did. I was holding on and hoping with not seeing me for a few weeks, he would miss me and want to work things out with me. Granted we never really stopped contact. I have been holding on to hope and praying for him to realize what he meant to me. I called him yesterday, because I caved and I thought if he knew how upset I was and we talked and saw how much I loved him, he would realize what he was losing and what he meant to me. He doesn’t want me. He even went out Saturday and got a new phone number. He said “I love you and I miss everything about you and I still want to be your best friend, but I am not going to call you to try and work things out. We can be best friends, but nothing else. Maybe if things were different, another place or time, but not now. I can’t give you want. I my life has been so stress free without you.” I begged him to work it out with me. Begged him. I am so humiliated. I am so embarrassed. I feel so disposable. I feel like I am dying. How can someone say, “I love you and miss you and of course I want to see you” but not want that person. I feel sick. I feel lost. I don’t know how to get through this. I have blocked his numbers from my cell and home phone. I don’t know how to survive. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, and I am so tired of hearing, “It takes time”. I held on to hope he would realize, and I only realized that he doesn’t care. He meant more to me than I meant to him. Why is it so easy for him? Why am I so disposable to him? Like a piece of garbage that is so easy to throw away. I feel like I am dying. I can’t go through this anymore. I am my therapist tonight. My second appointment, but I don’t even know why I am going. Nothing is ever going to take this heart ache away from me. Ever. I never want to see or talk or hear from him ever again. I hate what he is doing to me and what he has done to me. I am a shell of a person right now, and feel like it is never going to end.

God, someone please help me. I can't take it anymore.

[just_confused]

I can't take this anymore! Why am I doing this to myself! I can't take it any more.

We were going to take a 3 month break, but now we are not. We had a text battle all day on Friday. Someone was telling him stuff I did and I don’t even know what that was or if I even did it or if it was just talk and that his friends didn’t like how I was treating him. He told me everyone hates me. I don’t even know what I did. I was holding on and hoping with not seeing me for a few weeks, he would miss me and want to work things out with me. Granted we never really stopped contact. I have been holding on to hope and praying for him to realize what he meant to me. I called him yesterday, because I caved and I thought if he knew how upset I was and we talked and saw how much I loved him, he would realize what he was losing and what he meant to me. He doesn’t want me. He even went out Saturday and got a new phone number. He said “I love you and I miss everything about you and I still want to be your best friend, but I am not going to call you to try and work things out. We can be best friends, but nothing else. Maybe if things were different, another place or time, but not now. I can’t give you want. I my life has been so stress free without you.” I begged him to work it out with me. Begged him. I am so humiliated. I am so embarrassed. I feel so disposable. I feel like I am dying. How can someone say, “I love you and miss you and of course I want to see you” but not want that person. I feel sick. I feel lost. I don’t know how to get through this. I have blocked his numbers from my cell and home phone. I don’t know how to survive. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, and I am so tired of hearing, “It takes time”. I held on to hope he would realize, and I only realized that he doesn’t care. He meant more to me than I meant to him. Why is it so easy for him? Why am I so disposable to him? Like a piece of garbage that is so easy to throw away. I feel like I am dying. I can’t go through this anymore. I am my therapist tonight. My second appointment, but I don’t even know why I am going. Nothing is ever going to take this heart ache away from me. Ever. I never want to see or talk or hear from him ever again. I hate what he is doing to me and what he has done to me. I am a shell of a person right now, and feel like it is never going to end.

God, someone please help me. I can't take it anymore.

[DB33]

You are feeling lost and alone. But you aren't. Look around you. Reach out.

I know what the pain you are feeling is like. I woke up this morning and had to remind myself to breathe. The world can seem like a big cruel open lonely place and your pain never ending. I won't say it takes time because I know you want it to stop now. The best thing you can do is occupying your mind. Stay busy, do something. Turn to your friends, go visit your therapist, spend some time with your daughter, find someone to talk to, reach out.

You are on the right track with blocking and going NC. You are going to want to change your mind. Don't. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he still has control over you. Because he doesn't if you don't let him.

You are at a turning point in your life. You don't realize it at the moment but it is now going in a better direction. You are a good person and you deserve better than what he was giving you.

And you will find it.

[charred]

Most of us have been where you are. It sucks.

Mindfulness helped more than anything... learning to be in the present moment instead of ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.

The pain is intense, a pwBPD starts out idolizing you and giving what seems like unconditional love. They ignore your boundaries that keep most people at arms distance and you find yourself falling for them. Eventually the BPD shows, they push/pull and break with you and it hurts out of all proportion to what it should. The problem is they become a primary r/s to you... like you should have with a good parent, and you find yourself reacting to them like one, arguing and all. When they are gone, instead of a normal breakup, it feels like a parent died... sometimes worse than if your real parent did.

You can blame them, but the problem goes back further... to attachment issues and keeping people at a distance and that kind of thing.

The r/s with a pwBPD is all ego based... sounds weird, but it is false self... yours and theirs... and it pulls the scabs off of long buried wounds, that is where all the pain comes from. Seeing a T can help a lot.

The r/s doesn't last if you force them to be present, and accountable for their actions, to treat you right, and as a partner, not some weird parent/child r/s... doing so kills the weird magic... which comes from it all being like some relationship you grew up around in all likely hood.

You will survive and be fine, If you delve in to helping yourself to feel better... you can get much better and be in happier real relationships.

Working on your own issues is best way to handle it. This site is helpful, later on, the more you talk it out and think it out by talking, the more your thoughts can get collected, and you get back to feeling normal again.

Good luck.

[Dog biscuit]

   

Heart ache surely feels like dying, we've all been there. I experienced it as some part of me was literally dying, and in hindsight that is a good thing. Apar tof me had to "die"in order to let the r/s go, and to see the full abuse that took place. Innocense died, ideals died, the love I felt died, a part of me died with the ending of the r/s. Allow yourself this pain, you will get trought it, promise! The pain may feel unbearable now but it will become more bearable in time.

Hang in there!

[heartandwhole]

just_confused,

This grief can feel excruciating, and I'm very sorry you are in so much pain.  So many of us can relate.  After my breakup, when I woke up in the morning, I used to tell myself, "Just get through the next three hours, just get through this day."  It took all my strength to "keep it together," and sometimes I wasn't able to.

Hang in there.  Things do get better, they really do.  I know that seems ridiculous now, but it's true.  They have for me, and many others. 

If you can continue with therapy, I think it's a great idea.  Having an objective listener supporting you can do a world of good.  As for the feelings, if you can, focus on physical sensations (heat, ache, tingling? where? does it move?) and/or your breath.  Feel your feet on the floor, or the blanket fibers on your skin.  Get very focused and specific.

I know it's easier said than done, but you can do this.  We're here to support you.