Stuck in Neutral

[Cimbaruns]

Hi all

I haven't posted in a while but feeling kinda stuck!

I'm about 4 months out of a 5 yr r/s with many recycles.

This is the "final" curtain call for me... . the last breakup a year ago was supposed to be it... . however I allowed her one last meeting and as many here know, that can result in the dance participation once again. I had been seeing a wonderful therapist at that time and had been for all of the years of my r/s with my exBPDw. During that last breakup I was making good progress in getting to the crux of my FOO and core issues. The breakup had caused me a great deal of anxiety, many episodes where triggering led me to a place of shear panic. I felt I had been thrown to mat and couldn't really get up any more. The trauma issues were overwhelming and I honestly thought that I was suffering from PTSD as well.

I was able to process and reach a place where I broke down and let it all out.

Therapy was so very helpful for me and I was able to work though and get to a place where I recognized that I as well played a very big role in  the dynamics of the failed r/s.

However

Here I sit

1 year later

This past January when my ex walked away AGAIN ... . Leaving me for someone new... . and an old ex ... . it all came crashing down on me once again.

My therapist had retired last summer so I had to find someone new.

I've been a half a dozen times but it just isn't working for me so I feel so lost.

I've been reading quite a bit... . doing a lot of reading here ... . as there are many amazing tools and articles... . but the therapy isn't going to work for me.

I feel that I have so so much to talk about... . where the heck would I start... . and to start all over would be daunting.!

I just feel that sometimes all I do is read and listen to podcasts and quite frankly it's making my head spin like crazy.

My biggest problem... .

I can't go a f--- day without HER filling my brain... .

I feel like it zaps all of my energy ... . the thoughts... .

I don't crave her... . I don't feel anything for her quite frankly ... . but she just keeps taking up space in my head... . all the time... .

I guess I feel as if I'm in withdrawal... . I feel like when I do something positive for myself I come back to find that I'm filling my head with thoughts of her...

It's not even thoughts of missing her... . or loving her... . it's like thoughts of WHY did I ever let myself get into and go soo long in this dysfunctional life.

Positive things :

Enjoying friends

Enjoying the long awaited warm weather

Starting up my running again... . and entering a few races

Spending time with my dogs

All good... .

Then:

It all creeps back in

I feel as if I had the most powerful addiction to something that made me feel good... .

BUT DID IT ... .

I was addicted to something that was NEVER real... . AND SO toxic

I am a few days away from signing the divorce papers... . am N/C and am just wanting a court date and for all of that to come to pass... .

Meanwhile ... . the ruminations are just wearing me down... .

Anyone here relate... .

How do you lessen their intensity

Ugh

[seeking balance]

so... . tactically, it sounds like you have a divorce settlement?

[Cimbaruns]

Yes SB

Hence maybe as it approaches it's the letting go "for good" that is subconsciously making me resist the detatchment... .

Grief and relief... . sadness and release... . the letting go... .

I think I need to cry a lot more... . It maybe time I do that... . :'(

The NC has helped me immensely ... .

I can feel the hurt all the way to the core of my being... .

My heart... . my ego... . my soul

It's going to be awhile before I can embrace the "freedom"

[trappedinlove]

I've been reading quite a bit... . doing a lot of reading here ... . as there are many amazing tools and articles... . but the therapy isn't going to work for me.

I feel that I have so so much to talk about... . where the heck would I start... . and to start all over would be daunting.!

My biggest problem... .

I can't go a f--- day without HER filling my brain... .

I feel like it zaps all of my energy ... . the thoughts... .

I don't crave her... . I don't feel anything for her quite frankly ... . but she just keeps taking up space in my head... . all the time... .

I guess I feel as if I'm in withdrawal... . I feel like when I do something positive for myself I come back to find that I'm filling my head with thoughts of her...

It's not even thoughts of missing her... . or loving her... . it's like thoughts of WHY did I ever let myself get into and go soo long in this dysfunctional life.

Positive things :

Enjoying friends

Enjoying the long awaited warm weather

Starting up my running again... . and entering a few races

Spending time with my dogs

All good... .

Then:

It all creeps back in

I feel as if I had the most powerful addiction to something that made me feel good... .

BUT DID IT ... .

I was addicted to something that was NEVER real... . AND SO toxic

Meanwhile ... . the ruminations are just wearing me down... .

Anyone here relate... .

How do you lessen their intensity

Ugh

This describes exactly what I feel right now too.  I have so much empathy to you and what you're going through.  I have no answers or good suggestions though but a warm hug. There is a path of development we need to go through to truly detach ourselves from this misery. And hopefully, when it's over and behind us we'll be able to go back and appreciate the positive aspects of our coping with it and growing into better persons.

[Cimbaruns]

Trappedinlove

Thanks for the kind post

I agree with you in that we have to walk this walk in order to heal... . but damn... . it seems like my connection to her is so very intense.

I do realize that I have suffered with co dependent issues for a very long time ( becoming ever so apparent in these last few years) but it still is amazing how deep the issues must run because of this inability to detatch

The "hook" of her love... . even from the very first moment she smiled at me, was so very strong... . making me realize that I have some very deep core issues to work on!

The way she made me feel ... . how she was so eager and supportive from the very beginning... . wow ... . she pumped me up and I ran away with the feeling... . literally!

An example: I had been training for over a year(intensely) for running in my first marathon.

I was racing in 10ks and within the first 2 months of our 5 year r/s I was going to run my first half marathon!  But alas... . most of what I had worked for slowly was eroded ... . as our r/s was long distance... . and quite frankly my running became something that I couldn't fit in... . as it became all about her "happiness" ... .

Again... . my realization of what part I played in all of this is HUGE... . and I'm working hard on all of this... .

But I just wish that at some point I could just turn a corner... . or see some kind of sign that I'm making progress

Some days I think she will live in my head forever... . and that part of my soul that seemed to connect me to her will never be whole again... .

Sometimes I just feel that these ruminations will never cease

[trappedinlove]

Being there for them, Ugh... .

I notched down my running every time she got injured and loved being there for her when she needed me.

It gave me a sense of value, that I am needed, that I can be relied on, made me feel so good.

Now I question myself.  Why do I do it? Did I make any sacrifice to get anything back from her? No

Did I do it to control her?  Well, I had no notion of that.  But being there and questioning myself made me look around at other relationships around me, and smack, I realized I might be forcing my help even when not invited too - just like my mother - and her doing it drives my nuts. LOL.  Glad I caught that in time

Anyhow, this morning on my run I reiterated stuff I said on a thread I started her about loving her and accepting her the way she is to the fullest of her complexity.  And you know what, I realized I've just idealized my love to her and this is not entirely true.  I do accept her as a person for what she is BUT not to the fullest. Because I don't accept her choice not to be with me, not to love me, and not wanting to be in contact with me.

Then Sting sneaked into my head with "If you love somebody set them free" and the broken pieces started falling in place.

I do love her to the fullest and that means I want her to be happy with her choices regardless if she chooses me or not.

Second, setting her free is setting me free.

I love myself and that means I want to set myself free.

Free of expectations.

Free of need.

Free of requiring external validation.

Free to choose the people around me.

Free to fall in love again.

[Cimbaruns]

TILove

I am beginning to accept who she was... . and have compassion for who she is and was to me!

I moved from anger and the fact that she had been cheating on me off and on throughout our marriage.

I still have problems accepting that she lied repeatedly and continues to refuse to accept any blame for who we were together.

I have a really hard time with the fact that as much as she suffered from this illness and or was going through life trying to make herself whole by idealizing people and self soothing... . it still doesn't excuse her from the way she treated ME ... . all the lying... . blame... . gas lighting... . going behind my back ... . blaming me for not "not making her happy"

I believe the reason I stayed was self serving for me in a way... .

She fed my ego and filled something that I needed... (.my FOO issues becoming apparent here)

I am glad in a way that I am in this place now... . and facing the things I need to face... . digging into my core issues may have never happened if it weren't for this relationship.

As much as I hate where I am right now... . it's the path I chose to avoid... . most all of my life.

Now I have to work on ME... .

No chaos... . no unpredictable issues... . no more "eggshells"

Just me

I am thankful for all here... . it is so very helpful and supportive!

[trappedinlove]

it still doesn't excuse her from the way she treated ME

Cimbaruns,

Does it really matter?

We can't change the past.

We can't change who they are.

We can only change ourselves... . put a stop to the blame and questioning loophole we're in and move on... .

I believe the reason I stayed was self serving for me in a way... .

She fed my ego and filled something that I needed... (.my FOO issues becoming apparent here)

I am glad in a way that I am in this place now... . and facing the things I need to face... . digging into my core issues may have never happened if it weren't for this relationship.

As much as I hate where I am right now... . it's the path I chose to avoid... . most all of my life.

Now I have to work on ME... .

No chaos... . no unpredictable issues... . no more "eggshells"

Just me

I am thankful for all here... . it is so very helpful and supportive!

You can be proud of yourself for making this move!

You are working on YOU now although it might still feel you're stuck in neutral.

I can totally relate to the non-stop thoughts and ruminations about her that are wearing you down and sucking your energy.

For me it gets worse when I'm triggered and in panic.

To diminish the intensity I made two main changes in the last year:

One, after being in therapy and understanding that my thoughts about the past, what I did wrong, and I could possibly make it better are completely futile.  I've put myself into virtual reality, having conversations with a virtual image of her that lived in my head.  Whenever I caught myself in this mode I reminded myself about this conclusion and over time this line of thoughts decayed.

Second, when I get triggered and I start feeling I'm losing my sanity. Depression, anxiety, and obsessive thinking really  take over. I stopped fighting it.  I used to blame myself a lot about this.  How did I let this happen to me?  How can she do this to me? She knows I'm in such despair how can she be so cruel? And so on.

I know now it's a temporary state and I let it be.  It's really ok to feel depressed and break for a while.  You don't have to fight it.  Just let it be.  Duck and let the wave pass you.

Then you can examine it when you are calmer and more relaxed.  Ideally, mindfulness meditation could help even in real time. I'm not there yet... .

She is still in my thoughts almost constantly, but the intensity is lessened.

I cry less often.

My heart is still pounding hard whenever I see her, either on fb on in real life, but I'm less anxious and in better control of myself.

What do you want to achieve next?

Do you have a game plan?

Any concrete change you want to make concerning you (and you only)?

[seeking balance]

As much as I hate where I am right now... . it's the path I chose to avoid.... most all of my life.

Now I have to work on ME... .

No chaos... . no unpredictable issues... . no more "eggshells"

Just me

It was only after the divorce was settled and all the chaos done that I had to deal with me... . all of me.  I didn't want to be alone, I wanted the "perfect" life with kids, house, dog, holidays... . what I actually had is just me a high functioning dysfunctional FOO, friends that were not really friends, a job that I thought was going to be something different and with new owners, I was disposable and a strong feeling that I didn't quite fit in anywhere.  I wanted to belief that if I "did" enough and "did" it all perfect that things would work out... .

What I can tell you is the journey to here is tough.  Picking a goal helped give me focus - something I always wanted to do.  In the last 2 years, I have changed jobs, met new friends, gone on dates and learned how to break up with someone, focused on what things are important, and decided to adopt on my own.  Most importantly, I have learned how to be ok with my own emotions around being worthy - not about my size, my job, my car, if I have kids... . sometimes I feel not enough and I don't "react" - I feel it and let it go.  Sounds silly, but in being ok being alone, my decisions are better.

I have learned how to be alone - but it was not by my first choice... . I also think I am stronger than I realized and probably more tolerant to things that don't matter, but strong boundaries on things that do matter. 

If we really let this experience open up our eyes - we are changed.  It isn't easy or better - but it is honest and real.

Hang in there Cimbaruns.

[Cimbaruns]

Trappedinlove

I think my ruminations are partly due to the fact that I sometimes return to that place of "what if" and "why me"... . not healthy but seems to be part of the process and the struggle to detatch from it all.

I am trying hard to let it flow through me ... . and sometimes I find myself having to allow it to pass through by talking out loud and indentifying the feeling that it's giving me in that moment.

I sometimes find myself more likely to quash it and stuff it back down... . probably because that is my normal reaction and has been for a very long time.

I do think since being totally separated from her and alone... . I am able to make better decisions.  The r/s isn't dictating how I should react... . it's just me... . myself.

It's scary though... . and sometimes I find myself reverting back to old ways of coping.

The truth is ... . when I do allow it through ... . or I express myself... . it's so carthartic and freeing...

But it's all so new to me... . Most likely due to my recognition of all of these Foo issues that I have never chosen to face before...


I think also... . with the looming divorce... . it's somewhat fear driven as well... . i have been NC and have been working through a settlement through a lawyer... . as the one and only conversation with my ex was extremely difficult ... . as she still used the conversation to shift blame and to pepper me with rapid texts after it ended... . releasing herself from any and all accountability... . heck... . I'll cheat on you... . lie about it... . and just up and leave ... .

My plan... . prepare myself for this last act... .

Get myself in a better place by running and feeling more mentally stable

Practice mindfullness and meditate

But hell ... . it's still a long and winding road ahead... .

SB

I agree

I need the chaos of this divorce to be over... .

Hopefully she'll sign and we'll move to the next step and be done with that part of it.

Seeing her will be so triggering for me... . I know the pulse will be more than palpable on that day in court.

I for now need to get stronger so when that day comes I am better able to handle it

Being alone isn't or wasn't my first choice either... . but it's what I need to work through all of these FOO issues.

I am digging and recognizing a lot of what has been a big part of who I am

Being honest and real are paramount!

But it hurts so much ... . it really does...

Thank you for all your insight and questions... .

You and all here are so amazing