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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: A glimpse inside my ex'es mind that she doesn't know about  (Read 2885 times)
bungenstein
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« on: April 13, 2014, 05:41:10 PM »



Long story short, 14 month relationship, it ended with me dumping her and then seeing her for 3 dates afterwards, but on those dates, I just wanted to get out of there, my brain kicked into survival mode, I was anxious, wasn't attracted to her anymore, didn't want to know her, didn't know who this person was sitting across from me. She tried to crash my night out after our last date and text me that we would probably bump into each other, she then text me the was with my friends. I told her I knew she was doing this on purpose and asked her why can't she just leave me alone and let me enjoy my night. After that I was painted super black.

She went on the rebound, shoved it down my throat and sent me tons abuse. Used social media and still is to try and paint how picture perfect her new relationship is, they have been going 3 1/2 months so far. Bare in mind whilst we were together she hardly put anything on social media, and certainly wasn't posting love quotes constantly. Its like shes ordering him around to pose for any picture she so desires, already there has been 3 of him holding babies.

Now the interesting part, I follow her on Instagram, and on Instagram if you click Following, you can see what othoer people are liking. She is obsessed with quotes and follows lots of quotes accounts. Since we split up and she abused me to nth degree and told me how she never loved me and only now realises what love is after getting with my quite frankly big downgrade of a replacement. Here are some of the quotes she has liked:

"Just because we can't be together doesn't mean I won't love you"

"Oh him, we're just 'friends'"

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear"

"Love is the most beautiful thing to have, hardest thing thing to earn, and most hurtful thing to lose"

"It all comes to the last person you think of at night, that is where your heart is"

"You need to realise that he doesn't care. And you could be missing out on someone that does"

Is this a Borderline that is acknowledging what shes done to ruin the relationship?

Is it proving that her bravado all over social media about how wonderful her new guy is, and all her abuse and insults to me are completely false?

Does this prove that her "heart" is really still with me, even though she is with someone else? Even though I have heard that a Borderline would not want or need me if she is in the idealisation phase of a new relationship?

Does this show that she indeed knows whats going on inside, but is physically incapable of acting on it or even acknowledging it with spoken words?
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bungenstein
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« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2014, 05:52:09 PM »

Another thing to note, my ex could communicate to me in writing or text if she was trying to make up for her wrong doings, or to try and apologise for anything shes done, but NEVER spoken.
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arielleis

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« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2014, 06:27:02 PM »

Hey Bungenstein,

I wrote this earlier in a previous thread and I think it may answer yours. Hence allow me to recycle (no pun intended... . my answer)

Ahhhhh the joys of Facebook post breakup with a BPD.

I gotta say, these nut cases already have so many ___toys in their arsenal... . Facebook (Fakebook?) must be hands down one of their favorite-

I think it's important and mandatory that we don't snoop on their social activity... . I learned it the hard way.

After I broke up with mine and she tried for two weeks to reel me back in (I had already deleted her from Fb), she wrote me saying that she had found someone else and was extremelly happy with him (she was professing her love to me the day before... . ).

We were no longer friends on Fb... but I suspected her to WANT to let me know who it was. She used to be very private on Fb and SUDDENLY, all pictures with my replacement were public, so anyone could see them, even those who were not friends with her. That's when I tried a little ___ test (which in hindsight I was "kinda" playing the same game as her, I have to admit) I blocked her completely so she couldn't ever find me. AND YES, you guessed it right, she removed her relationship status and the pictures with him. A month post break-up, when I unblocked her (still not friends though) YES, she put them back... .

You get my point. Facebook is a load of crap for these people. Let them be. Let them do their own crap. Don't get involved. I was never tempted to snoop ever again, god knows what I would find and I don't want this to interfere with my healing.

Remember, it's all lies. A friend of mine once said "never fight with a pig, because no matter what, you will get dirty and the pig will like it"... .

In the meantime, I got a text from a friend who knows her a bit saying that she continued to post pictures of herself during our trips to NY and Miami (without me on it I'd guess), changing her profile pic to when she was in NY etc... . First I told him NOT to keep him updated. My hunch being, she is trying to send those "___ signals"... . all bullocks. My other hunch is I think to tell the other guy "hey, my ex used to take me to all those places". It's all manipulation. And to me a testament that they will keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over again.

All lies people.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2014, 06:36:37 PM »

Hi arielleis,

Thanks for that, it is comforting to hear you have a similar story. It seems that in  both of our cases the replacement is being used as a tool to hurt us, but I heard anyone will do to fill the void, judging by all the quotes mine has been liking that seem to be very much about me, and the fact that yours removed all of her facebook bull___ once you blocked, that anyone won't do, because they seem very much still invested in us? And in their warped mind, they believe that constant throwing this in our face is a way to get us to 'love' them more.
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arielleis

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« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2014, 06:59:17 PM »

Well, be it with yours and the quotes, me and her pictures of when we were on holidays, the bottom line is 1) we loved someone who is disturbed (regardless of NPD, BPD, Manipulative, or what have you) 2) Dude... . would you really want to build a life with someone like that? Have kids, commitments, pay the bills, a house, a mortgage. Think of the dudes who will get married to these people. We have it EASY. We dodged a freakin bullet the only consequences we are paying are what? 1, 2, maybe 3 years of our lives we wasted? Ultimately it's ok.

Some people on these forums have to deal with sick heads who are destroying their very existence, sending them into therapy, ruining them, financially, emotionally. My heart goes to these people and I owe them big time b/c this could have been me. Imagine mine (or yours) would have gotten pregnant... . you guessed... . we would have been eff'ed.

Let them play their fb, instagram games or what have you. The best advice I can give you is stay active, don't snoop, bc it will hurt you. Unfollow her, go absolutely NO CONTACT and live f**king well. Nothing nothing nothing kills them more than to see you happy.

And don't forget, you and I just got a little taste of madness. Read some of the stories in here. My heart goes to the people who been with them for years and are now grieving years of their lives.

Comment, post, I know it helps me. But please don't read too much into their crap or it will keep you stuck.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2014, 07:11:34 PM »

I know, the reason I ended is because I couldn't build a life with someone like that.

But despite the pain she's caused me, and the way she's deliberately tried to hurt me with this new guy, is after coming to understand the illness, I do feel sorry for her, and I just want to know for my own peace of mind, that all her actions are bull****,  and she's latched onto him for survivals sake, but still wants me instead. She has had a history of jumping from guys, but short lived, and only one boyfriend. She wasn't in a relationship when I met her, and she jumped straight to me and wanted to get into a relationship with me very quicikly. I even told her I didn't love her anymore for the last half of the relationship, but she didn't leave, and she kept telling me that she  loved me even though I wouldn't say it back.

So what I'm trying to work out, for my closure, and for my grieving, is that she isn't into him, the same way that she was into me, or 'loved' me, despite being borderline.
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arielleis

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« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2014, 07:21:16 PM »

Well, I hear you at a 100% This is our ego playing tricks on us. Our ego was hurt too. You know what she probably will love him less than you and may in fact stay longer with him, maybe years and years.

But you know what, at the end of the day, you deserve better. What our ego needs is someone that is freakin' awesome. You ll see the moment you find that, she will vanish from your mind for good.

Let time do the work and don't snoop. That doesn't help. Unfollow her. Go radio silent. Leaving a door open shows her that she can have you back anytime. Don't allow for that.
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arielleis

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« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2014, 07:25:49 PM »

Lastly, you said you broke up with her. And so did I with mine. So, of course they want to make you pay.

In their effed up mind WHO DARES to have the last word with them? Who dares ? hahaha

Man... . you did right. Don't let it get to you. You were smarter. And you know what, let's be honest. It's kinda cool we were strong enough to call the shots. Hey... . small victories can taste good to.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2014, 07:34:16 PM »

Aye, well she was with her last boyfriend for 3 years, and I've seen him, he is waaaaay below her league, and was probably a doormat, I believe the new guy is similar.

She said I was the first traditionally good looking guy she's been with, and that my lifestyle and attitude was completely different to what she's normally comfortable with (I'm self employed, have no set routine, and travel a lot), so thats quite brave for a borderline as it clearly would and did set off triggers from the word go. She used to say I wasn't boyfriend material. Interestingly she wanted to be my boyfriend, and none of the other numerous guys she had flings with before me. The guy she jumped from to me went totally mad over it.

She always said she couldn't take how she felt about me, didn't want to feel this way because it made her behave in such a terrilble manner, and said she would rather be someone easy, that she didn't care about, because she could handle it. So I'm thinking if replacement guy is this sort of person, maybe the rages aren't happening, maybe he is soothing her, and at least I can take the comfort in knowing, the reason that our relationship was so turbulent from the day that I met her was because, she actually had passion for me, and it sent her completely insane
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GreenMango
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« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2014, 07:46:58 PM »

Lots of people like quotes.  Collect quotes etc. 

It's hard to tell from social media interaction if someone has BPD.  Some of the social media interaction is just social media.

what happened during the relationship?  Where there certain things going on that speak to BPD?

Why follow her instagram account?
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arielleis

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« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2014, 07:49:18 PM »

Hahaha, things are getting more and more similar.

I do too have a comfortable life. Live between NY and LA, may have what some think is a "glam" life (don't get me wrong, I work my ___ off) and make good $$... . she moved on with... . a guy who I know will not be able to sustain the lifestyle she wants LOL.

Hey, I also got the speech that I was unique yada yada yada. We all did. And I can tell you for a fact that he will have a taste of her medicine too. I was fortunate to meet many women, and some amazing ones. She is my second BPD. I had one BPD in the past. I learned about BPD with my last r/s.

One day out of the blue, I met the replacement of my first BPD. They were no longer together. And you know what... . He had it even worse than me.

I don't know if that's of any help to you but if you think she will change for the next guy... . you are wrong. They will NOT change. Some people here were with BPD 5, 10 years ago, reconnected with them and guess what... . it was the same all over again. Even worse!

She won't change. She says the same crap to everyone. Her ego got massively dammaged when you called the shots and she wants to make you pay. They are willing to go to great lengths to have you suffer, bc they are internally so flawed. Sometimes they can even wait years and years.

Remember one thing, it sucks for you, it sucks for me... . but at the end of the day, we were strong enough to walk out.

Stay strong buddy!
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GreenMango
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« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2014, 07:58:34 PM »

Having one relationship like this is trying.  Why pick a second one?
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arielleis

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« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2014, 08:48:41 PM »

Having one relationship like this is trying.  Why pick a second one?

It didn't know about this back then. As soon as I saw some patterns repeating and surfacing, well I jump shipped. And that's when I found out about the condition, or at least the manipulative aspect of it.
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2010
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« Reply #13 on: April 13, 2014, 11:27:42 PM »

Excerpt
Is this a Borderline that is acknowledging what shes done to ruin the relationship?

No.

Excerpt
Is it proving that her bravado all over social media about how wonderful her new guy is, and all her abuse and insults to me are completely false?

No.

Excerpt
Does this prove that her "heart" is really still with me, even though she is with someone else?

No.

Excerpt
Even though I have heard that a Borderline would not want or need me if she is in the idealisation phase of a new relationship?

This is about *your* wants and needs, not hers.

Excerpt
Does this show that she indeed knows whats going on inside, but is physically incapable of acting on it or even acknowledging it with spoken words?

NO.

A funny thing happened on the way to the forum. There was a fork in the road. One side said, “leave” and the other said “stay.” People became confused, because they really, really wanted to “stay” but circumstances didn’t allow it. Perhaps their former partner had moved on or they felt cheated, so they forced themselves down the road to “leave.” But secretly, they wished to “stay,” even though the partnership was no longer available for them.

There are several phases to the aftermath of a symbiotic relationship with a person that has an unstable sense of self. These phases occur with periods of malignant hope for the return of the "other" offset by uncertainty. Hope versus uncertainty causes bargaining and hyper-anxious "watching" waiting and obsessing for the return of the desired "love object." These actions lead to intellectual reasoning that tips the scales with malignant hope, because uncertainty is as painful as watching paint dry.

When this phase fails (as it should) then anger arises, splitting the former symbiotic enmeshment into good and bad. (You can guess who the good is when you're angry) Based upon the need to repair your identity, the splitting becomes useful (for ego protection) but it then disintegrates as a coping mechanism because this isn't about ego anymore- it's about who you are underneath the ego.

All or none, black or white thinking separates and protects the ego from pain. When it becomes apparent that this person you split also is the object of your desire that you yearn for, the next phase of all or none thinking is frustration and despair, because the person you hate is also the one that you covet- and there’s a loss there concerning a failed coupling that felt deeper than starlight.

In object relations, this is known as the "depressive position." It is a fight against abandonment depression. The obsessing, watching, waiting, clairvoyant e.s.p. she's thinking about me right now and sending private messages to me as well as intensely feeling that hang-up calls need secret decoder rings... are all the mind's way of keeping that lost object alive and refusing to let go. Letting go means abandonment depression and no one enters into the depressive position that eagerly. It's fought tooth and nail the entire way with what is known as "magical thinking" keeping the attachment bond unbroken and subsuming the love object.

"The capacity to perceive that the other who frustrates is also the one who gratifies" is a part of working through the depressive position. It means that sometimes we need to have an internal compass that lets go of magical thinking, hope versus uncertainty, and focus on why we are angry. In working through depressive anxiety, projections are withdrawn, allowing the other more autonomy, reality, and a separate existence and that's really what leaving is all about.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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bungenstein
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« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2014, 03:10:54 AM »

Thanks 2010, I know, I should let go, but I just want to know why she's liking those things, which must be aimed at me, she doesn't know that I will see them, especially as she wants me to think she hates me anyway. You don't go out with another person, and think "I know we can't be together but I will always love you" I just want to understand whats going on in her head.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #15 on: April 14, 2014, 03:12:59 AM »

Lots of people like quotes.  Collect quotes etc. 

It's hard to tell from social media interaction if someone has BPD.  Some of the social media interaction is just social media.

what happened during the relationship?  Where there certain things going on that speak to BPD?

Why follow her instagram account?

I'm sure she has BPD from the relationship, not from the quotes, shes undiagnosed but I'd put any amount of money on that she has it, you name it, it happened. I have always followed her instagram, just havent unfollowed it yet.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #16 on: April 14, 2014, 07:16:23 AM »

She won't change. She says the same crap to everyone. Her ego got massively dammaged when you called the shots and she wants to make you pay. They are willing to go to great lengths to have you suffer, bc they are internally so flawed. Sometimes they can even wait years and years.

My friend told me he had a similar relationship in his past, he doesn't know if his ex had a mental illness or not, but the ex did everything he could to try and hurt him.

He said some women could go to complete extremes to try and hurt someone thats left them. Even to having babies with someone else in order to spite their ex, in their mind that is revenge, even though they may not really be happy with the person they are with, it sounds so f***** up. I know everyone says that BPD need to get with someone else to fill a void, but could a part of this void be a need to constantly try and hurt the person they perceived as wronging them?
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