After 4 years, like a different person

[blueman54321]

I am NC again, she threw insults at me you wouldn't imagine. She tried to hurt me as much as possible, she wound herself up and split me. She continued to lie to me about everything. She is a devil, a f**king devil. I gave myself to this woman, I gave her my all, I pretty much saved her life and put it back on track and she throws it in my face, and scorns my family despite the love they showed for her, despite her own family neglecting her.

My GP has put me on anti-depressants as I have been starving myself of food and sleep. My mind and body is thankful for that, they have worked immediately.

As she has lied so much over this breakup, I can't help feel that she did cheat on me, and who knows she might have, and how many times, and what she has exposed me to, I don't know. I am very worried. I cannot trust anything she has ever told me all of a sudden. That's hard to stomach. Hard to believe. It's hard to believe that she's hard to believe. How can she devalue trust so eagerly and willingly. She is f**ked in the head.

It's simply amazing how it can take 4 years to discover who someone is, the absolute truth behind the character they are portraying. Someone you have stared directly into for the past 4 years, somehow turns out to be something completely different, something sinister. How is this even possible? What game is this and why? She was my own little secret desire, made completely for me and me alone. Was it always too good to be true? I guess it was, actually it was, very quickly, I don't know how it lasted so long.


The more I think the more I realise there were big f**king clues everywhere. Although I always sympathised with her for her BPD. I never thought she would turn it against me.

She was different from the beginning. Even after a few months. She was controlling, possessive, isolating me, she started flipping out on me, she did things I specially asked her not to do because it could of (and did) put her in danger: she was very niave @24 yo and went out drinking with a drug dealer one time, I was with her at a pub and I said to her specifically, do not go out with that guy (and a friend of mine who was reckless) she walked away from me and went out, the first time I had seen her specifically disobey me and do something stupid, she went out all night, without her boyfriend, into the dangers of the night that she had no experience in, she snorted cocaine (for the first time) and drunk all night and ended up having a psychotic episode in which she became aggressive with a knife at 6 in the morning and I had to call the police, she stabbed my door, I didn't let them arrest her because this was the first time I saw this behaviour. And I lost all trust in her, she could of done anything that night but she swore blindly she didn't. Again, sympathy for her get her out of that one, this compounded with other factors meant it took nearly 2 years of us being fairly isolated in 2 sleepy towns to trust her again, and I can't trust any of that now. This was the first time I'd seen this reckless, naive, impulsive, stupid, distrusting behaviour, and the first time I'd seen her have a psychotic episode. She came back and demanded sex that morning (after she phoned me and said she was scared and didn't know how to get home), I told her bluntly I wanted her to leave, I had to wrestle her to the floor as she started being sexually aggressive, I chucked her out of the bedroom, in which she went downstairs and got a knife. I always wondered if this episode was triggered by guilt, or if it was just borderline + drink and drugs. I'll never know. But she did tell me this drug dealer exposed himself to her that night in which she remarked 'my boyfriends is bigger'. We weren't going out long then, I still trusted her responses at that point and dismissed it all as drug induced psychosis. But who knows. So many questions I'll never really know now. That was a big incident, and I've asked her repeatedly over the years about it, just mind boggling why she puts herself in these situations and expects to not really explain why later. A few big things like that, over the years, compounded with many small things, and I've never really trusted her, and reason why I've been secretly sabotaging the relationship. I may not consciously know, but my subconscious has been screaming for years to get out. And that's why I never said 'yes' despite loving her enough. Something was wrong, something was amiss.

She became obsessive and wanted babies and marriage from the very beginning (this never stopped until the very end). She even manipulated me to not use a condom once so she could have a baby, she would use sex as a bargaining tool more and more as the relationship went on, she never understood at all that sex was important to a relationship, for trust, for intimacy (she has no concept of intimacy), mutual sex, it was always on her terms, when she wanted it, apart from the honeymoon phase.

Her cracks started to develop, a few moments of psychotic rage, the unravelling of the mess, so many things I looked over. She had eating problems. Weight problems. Fertility problems. Thyroid problems. Any problem, you name it, she had it. She was my mess and I wanted to fix her. I guess when I bought a flat for her and me and she had a breakdown and left me completely to support everything not a few months in was probably when I realised she would never work, as a person, or in a relationship, that was almost 2 years ago now. At that point I had come too far, I had done too much and risked too much and fought too much. I Should of left then. In fact I should of left her the first time she split me to black.

As much as she has made me feel king all these years, the way of her departure has robbed me of all of that. I am less of a person than I ever was and I have 4 less years of my life now, and many years of pain to endure. She built me up, and up, and up, over the years and now I have to come down, down, down, down to my senses, the bigger you are, the harder you fall, and I was her everything, that is pretty big. I was 'one in a million' she couldn't live without me, she insisted I marry her a thousand times, she wanted my babies. The sex was great and she loved my d**k, in fact it was too big for her she frequently moaned. She was my beau, my bub, forever and ever until the moons upside down. Was any of this real? Any of it? The notes she used to leave around. The gifts. The adoration and constant attention. All lies? Can she feel any semblance of love along with her borderline projections? At all? I guess the way she has acted in the end tells me that.

I should of looked to her past relationships, but of course I was special, and she always downplayed them, she was never clear on what happened. And that is because borderlines seem to follow the same, shameful critical course in the end. Abandonment, fear, psycho mode, sabotage, flee. At least for her. Her only other long term relationship was 4 years too, and he ended up kidnapping her and strangling her, obviously a nut case? Hmm, now I don't think so at all, now I now what she put him through. In fact it was worse, she did cheat on him for sure, although I can't remember the excuse she gave me for this but she made it sound justified. HEH, sickening I believed her on everything.

I don't even know if I find her attractive. When I first saw her I didn't think so but then I quickly became infatuated with her. Was this all projection. When I see her now I see beauty. I think she is very beautiful, she has her flaws like we all do but she is very petite and has intense sex appeal. I don't think she would of been my type originally though. I don't know. I can't even trust my feelings now. On hindsight she wasn't very good in bed, it was all me doing the work, I realise now that what was missing was intimacy, there was always something missing and that was it. Sometimes felt like I was f**king a doll, or a stranger. She was there, but she wasn't. Only in the moment of orgasm was she anywhere and she wasn't with me.

With the pure psychotic nature of her feelings right now I'll never be sure of anything. When she says she still cares about me one minute, then unleashes a ferocious attack the next. I'll never be sure. I think anything she says has the same amount of weight of anything a 3 year old says. She lies, and lies, even when she doesn't have to. She lies and manipulates. That's all she is. That's all she'll ever be.

I staked everything on her, we had our bad times, and we had had it bad for a while, but her adoration and my love and openness made me believe we would get through it. Solvable problems wont split up 2 people in love? Right?

What actually happened was nothing to do with love, I don't even know what happened, but it is some form of hell.

I have removed the rest of her stuff out of the house.

I am left feeling empty, with nothing to do, no one to speak to, nowhere to go. How did I let myself get so vulnerable. It almost seems like she picked the most perfect moment to do this, to hurt me as much as possible. Perhaps she planned to punish me for those hundreds of times she asked me to marry her. She has shown that she is a revengeful little b**ch child as of late. Perhaps this was all planned? Why won't she give me any proper closure.

I can't believe how blinded I have been to her inability to understand emotions past a point. It has become so painfully obvious lately that she is fundamentally flawed. I guess I put in the missing pieces for her. She cannot fathom anything on an adult level, and either spirals it into an argument, ignores it or blindsides it. She creates a fear of communication around her, nothing every constructive comes out of talking to her. I have picked up on these things in my head before, there was a reason I was deeply unhappy in the relationship, and I felt stuck, but I genuinely believed there would be a happy outcome. I gave her too much credit, and didn't place enough emphasis on her disorder.

She creates a feeling dread and angst when she is upset. For whatever reason you can't satiate her. Because her feelings are unknown and are illogical. Most of the last year have felt like navigating a mindfield. And I have looked forward to our times apart for the sheer peace of being alone.

Now I am faced with being alone without her, and as much as she is flawed, and as much as I hate her I still want to be with her, I wan't to fix her and be with her, happy, forever, as promised all those times.

If anyone reads this post who has a BPD partner and values their relationship, my one piece of advice would be to fully acknowledge the disorder now, and make it a priority to get help for, with your partners understanding. Don't let it roll out too long. And don't downplay it. They may seem normal on the outside, but trust me they aren't on the inside and you will not know until it's too late.

I have lost a lover, a soul mate, and a best friend, even though I could repair some of this facets with her. It would still be lost, because she is really not the person I knew for those years. And with my reveal of the lie, she cannot be around me, as my projection of her from now on will be too hard for her to face.

I will tell my story, when I can, when I can put together the pieces as best as possible. And when I feel I am at least over her. But until then I have to get over this somehow. And pretty much start my life from scratch.

[GuiltHaunted]

I am left feeling empty, with nothing to do, no one to speak to, nowhere to go. How did I let myself get so vulnerable.

I know exactly what you mean.

My ex, was nowhere as bad as yours with regards to drama. She is undiagnosed. For sure, I CAN say that something is not right with her as indicated from the facts (10 years therapy, one time committed to a mental institution, 7 years of medications). Anyway, it's just to explain where I am coming from. No matter her - YOUR feelings are 100% identifiable to me (she incidentally also asked me to marry her, pretty much from 2 weeks into the relationship and it became the BIGGEST issue throughout).

What you probably also feel, is a lack of desire to change the situation? I mean, you don't want to fill the void, you don't want to do anything, you don't want to speak with anyone (as in have a conversation and hear what they have to say), you don't want to go anywhere.

Then don't! I think that the biggest problem causing the most pain, is this lack of alignment. I think accepting it as it is, is releasing the pain. I'm still not doing anything (of importance or anything purposeful in my spare time). I often just sit at home doing nothing much. But I accept that it is MY choice. And if I don't want to do anything, so be it! At some point I will probably grow tired of it, and I WILL do something. Everything in it's right time. Don't force anything, and don't be hard on yourself or blame yourself.

[blueman54321]

The obsession over marriage was a very early indicator for me that something was not right with her. To what extent she wasn't right has taken me years to find out, and I would never of believed it if someone told me how this was going to play out.

Initially I can't really remember what I thought. Just that it was a bad sign. A bunny boiler. Perhaps afraid of past. Or perhaps clingy for some reason or another. I know I thought for some time she wanted to trap me with a kid. She even joked about putting holes in condoms. She did have fertility problems and it does run in her family. Even though more recently I urged her to get her fertility assessed because it was eating her up (which she did), apparently everything was ok, although she never talked much about this or gave me any proof or anything. Most of the times over the years we did use protection or anti pregnancy things like the implant or the morning after pill. But there were occasions when we didn't. She had irregular periods (sometimes months without one), suspected PCOS, early menopause runs in her family also as do thryrod problems. She developed late apparently etc etc. And with her previous boyfriend of 4 years, they didn't use anything for 2 years and she didn't get pregnant. So I suspect there is some difficulty with her and some at least reduced fertility. Thank god for that I suppose. I guess nothing good can come out of her (at least not without a whole lot of trying).

I think the most frustrating thing is the conflicted emotions more than anything. I don't want to change anything, because if I move on I move on from her, and I still don't want that. But then again I do want that, I want to get out there and date some hot women, but I can't deny how I feel inside and I won't be able to offer them anything. In fact my self worth and esteem is so low right now I'm finding it difficult to talk to strangers in the outside world (tillers and assistants in shops for example). So I know I'm not ready for anything. I have no idea for how long either, but I fear for some time.

And that is the source of another ever increasing emotion. Anger. She has predated and consumed me, and then treated me so badly in these final moments that I am so angry with her. I am angry she gets away with this. I'm angry I let her get away with this. I want vengeance. I'm angry I gave her so much, and now it's meaningless. I'm angry people like this exist. My love was whole, it was pure, it was hers to keep, and she wanted it so badly. Now it has been discarded, forgotten, or simply buried deep inside, or transferred on to new guy because it was so shallow to begin with.

Incidentally this new guy (the army guy from America) looks like a cross between me and my brother! The similarities are startling, she didn't even deny it when I brought it to her attention, just with a bit of neanderthal thrown in, (big gap between eyes etc). It's a classic rebound, but with a fantasy twist. He is even wearing similar clothes to me in most of the pictures.

She made contact this morning, was being nice to me on the guise of getting information out of me, when I denied her the information (in the nicest possible way), she threatened me, accused me of being a stalker again, and then dissapeared, despite me saying beforehand, "you're not her to just get information out of me are you? Or my replacement is not online?" in which she replied "no I like talking to you, and he is online, he just runs a busy lifestyle" (which actually means it was because she wasn't getting any attention. He is 7 hours behind so she has been up all night clearly. She apparently has to start work on the 22nd, I don't know how they are even going to get to talk to each other. But that's not my concern now.

4 years, down the drain, heartbreak, loss, all in the name of loved, or what I thought was love anyway.

[blueman54321]

The worst feeling of all though, is the loss of my one true friend, my soul mate. That loss is all too consuming and powerful, and it's what is affecting me the most, all the while it seemingly meant nothing to her.

That's what is so hard about BPD breakups. It is the feeling of closeness that you feel so much for this person. That nothing will ever split you apart. But it fact it is all one sided, a lie perpetrated by the borderline to lower your heartly defensives. It's like losing your bestest most personal friend, so close they are apart of you, to a death. Except its a death that is still out there, still alive and kicking, just not with you.

[BacknthSaddle]

It's like losing your bestest most personal friend, so close they are apart of you, to a death. Except its a death that is still out there, still alive and kicking, just not with you.

This comment really hits home for me.  After my uBPDxgf told me she was madly in love with me, i was the most amazing person in the world, she yearned for me, I was the best friend she ever had, she never knew she could love another human being like she loved me, etc, now she really couldn't care less.  It's a stunning turn that is difficult to wrap your mind around no matter how well you understand it intellectually.  And yes, it feels like a death, worse than a death because, as you say, it's still out there.

Sometimes, though, that last thought helps me reestablish my sanity.  Sometimes I think oh, I wish she had died, because then I wouldn't have to think about what she was thinking, and I woudn't have to fight so hard to avoid contact.  And then I think: how can you possibly think you love someone that you wish had died?  Whatever that is, it's not love.  It's not friendship.  It is a relationship that is rotten to the core.  And I try to tell myself: you don't need anyone in your life who would lead you to have thoughts like that. 

[trappedinlove]

It's like losing your bestest most personal friend, so close they are apart of you, to a death. Except its a death that is still out there, still alive and kicking, just not with you.

This comment really hits home for me.  After my uBPDxgf told me she was madly in love with me, i was the most amazing person in the world, she yearned for me, I was the best friend she ever had, she never knew she could love another human being like she loved me, etc, now she really couldn't care less.  It's a stunning turn that is difficult to wrap your mind around no matter how well you understand it intellectually.  And yes, it feels like a death, worse than a death because, as you say, it's still out there.

I had a conversation today with a close friend of mine and she asked me about acceptance.  What does it mean to unconditionally accept someone?

I think that the gist of it, is to accept things and people just the way they are.  "bpdfamily.com" as this site is called.  Our pwBPDx's are paradoxical. Period.  They can be our best friends and soul mates and in a blink of an eye switch, pslit, and then they can't care less, or at least seem like that.  That's the way they are and our mind can't grasp it therefore it keep turning in circles trying to figure that out.

Accepting it, accepting them the way they are and accepting us the way we are and accepting the situation as incomprehensible can break the loop. This is just the way it is.

Now unconditional acceptance doesn't mean unconditional agreement.

We don't have to agree with their behavior even if we accept it as an integral part of their (disordered) personality.

We have the right and the duty to protect ourselves, establish boundaries, and keep a safe distance by remaining in no contact.

[LettingGo14]

The worst feeling of all though, is the loss of my one true friend, my soul mate. That loss is all too consuming and powerful, and it's what is affecting me the most, all the while it seemingly meant nothing to her.

blueman, you write powerfully, with deep emotion, and it resonates with me.  i hooked myself to the heroin of "soul mate" for four years.  when I was abandoned, twice, I shivered in dark corners, and prayed for another fix.  It, plus the reality of the relationship, brought me into darkness I never knew imaginable.

Somehow, someway, something has told me to wake up.   To lean into the pain.  To recognize that my "soul mate" was my projection.  The reality of my relationship was train wreck.  Gaslighting, smearing, Triangulation.  I kept hitting the button, giving myself away, wanting another fix.

Last week, in a moment of confusion, I hit the button again and broke NC.  I got another dose of poison.  It reminded me to wake up again.

I realize this is hard, and might not be a prescription for everyone, but I'm unhooking myself from the "soul mate" myth, which was my creation anyway.  

I am consenting to the loss, feeling it, and realizing that I have power in myself to reclaim.  I'm done getting my affirmation from outside.

Figured I'd share.  Thank you for writing with such searing honesty.

[love2give]

This comment really hits home for me.  After my uBPDxgf told me she was madly in love with me, i was the most amazing person in the world, she yearned for me, I was the best friend she ever had, she never knew she could love another human being like she loved me, etc, now she really couldn't care less.  It's a stunning turn that is difficult to wrap your mind around no matter how well you understand it intellectually.  And yes, it feels like a death, worse than a death because, as you say, it's still out there.

Sometimes, though, that last thought helps me reestablish my sanity.  Sometimes I think oh, I wish she had died, because then I wouldn't have to think about what she was thinking, and I woudn't have to fight so hard to avoid contact.  And then I think: how can you possibly think you love someone that you wish had died?  Whatever that is, it's not love.  It's not friendship.  It is a relationship that is rotten to the core.  And I try to tell myself: you don't need anyone in your life who would lead you to have thoughts like that. 

I could not have written this any better.  Thank you

[Lion Fire]

These are powerful posts... .

my ex pursued me for 2 years... . something was always wrong for me but in a moment of vulnerability last year I told her that I was willing to give it a go with her. Things changed, I became her King, she made me feel like a Lion. Compliments, constant words of Love, big dreams and plans, ideal love, one in a million, soul mate etc... .

I too was not really attracted to her initially but somehow got seduced and entranced by her words and she became beautiful in my eyes. She spoke about marriage early on and that never stopped, even on the the days that she would blowtorch me (once she had cooled down). She would insist on having sex around ovulation time and would be sad when her period would come... . she wanted to have my children, complimenting my manhood, best sex ever, never done that with another man... . all that stuff, the words a man wants to hear ;-).

Then it became "our sex is terrible , I can't have kids with someone like you, I need a real man to F**k me, you can't meet my needs, you sick sick man, you are ugly inside and out, you're a liar, a cheat, a player, con artist... the list goes on... " On some days it would be both versions.

I am realising now that none of the words were true... . neither positive or negative.

It was all an illusion, I was living in world that moved between a dreamland and a nightmare.

I feel for those who have hung around for years and been beaten to their knees.

I feel enmeshed, trapped, desperate and broken now and it's only been a few months.

The truth is that I sensed this way before we got together and held back her advances.I couldn't put my finger on it. Her mercurial nature unnerved me. I eventually took the bait and was hooked into a mad world of need, fantasy and eventually abuse.

I look at myself now and know that I had choices all along and I made the wrong one. I have now decided to make the right one and look after myself.

Onwards... .

[AwakenedOne]

She became obsessive and wanted babies and marriage from the very beginning (this never stopped until the very end).

She lies, and lies, even when she doesn't have to. She lies and manipulates. That's all she is. That's all she'll ever be.

blueman,

It was painful reading your story. I guess because I went through about 2/3rd's of what you did. My ex was so obsessed with marriage and even more with babies. The lies too, I relate man. I was married 4 years and got tossed away. She caused me to lose employment and took 99% of all my stuff. I just wanted to tell you I feel for you man. I am out of it now with 8 months NC with my uBPDstbxW. Be glad you didn't marry her like I did. Consider yourself free and slowly try to start to recover from all of this. One day at a time... . Hang in there man.



AO

[toomanytears]

The worst feeling of all though, is the loss of my one true friend, my soul mate. That loss is all too consuming and powerful, and it's what is affecting me the most, all the while it seemingly meant nothing to her.

That's what is so hard about BPD breakups. It is the feeling of closeness that you feel so much for this person. That nothing will ever split you apart. But it fact it is all one sided, a lie perpetrated by the borderline to lower your heartly defensives. It's like losing your bestest most personal friend, so close they are apart of you, to a death. Except its a death that is still out there, still alive and kicking, just not with you.

Spot on.