Dealing with fights and "reality"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am at a cross roads with my husband. Last week, after a fight, he stated that he doesn't want to be with me anymore (but of course his actions speak other wise). This is his cycle: we have a fight, he gets mad, I become everything that is wrong with the world, he does me the "favor" of giving me "one more chance" and we move on. However, his sense of reality is so warped. Case in point, he no longer wants to be in a "relationship" with me because he feels that I am out of control when we get into "disagreements." I usually keep my mouth shut when he goes on his name calling/hurtful words rant. However, because I am not perfect there are times when I stick up for myself and let him know that it's not ok to treat me like crap. Sometimes, I am able to correctly verbalize it... . other times I fail and things get heated. However, it always comes down to the fact that I am the one who "ruined" us. I am the "crazy one" who needs  "help" and he can't "deal" with me. This weekend, I pointed out to him that my actions ( though at times may be wrong I admit that) they only come into play because of how he treats me when he is upset. The answer I get, "That's how I am, you have to deal with that."

This makes me so frustrated because he is putting the blame on me. I am the reason why we aren't working out... . I am the reason why our family will be torn apart when he leaves. I don't know what to do about this. He is so all over the place with this... . one moment it's over and he doesn't want anything to do with me... . the next moment, I'm his wife and he loves me. This whole "I hate you/Don't leave me thing" is wearing me out.

How do I deal with this? I love him and I want it to last... . any advice would be great!

Thank you!

[MSE1081]

I am at a cross roads with my husband. Last week, after a fight, he stated that he doesn't want to be with me anymore (but of course his actions speak other wise). This is his cycle: we have a fight, he gets mad, I become everything that is wrong with the world, he does me the "favor" of giving me "one more chance" and we move on. However, his sense of reality is so warped. Case in point, he no longer wants to be in a "relationship" with me because he feels that I am out of control when we get into "disagreements." I usually keep my mouth shut when he goes on his name calling/hurtful words rant. However, because I am not perfect there are times when I stick up for myself and let him know that it's not ok to treat me like crap. Sometimes, I am able to correctly verbalize it... . other times I fail and things get heated. However, it always comes down to the fact that I am the one who "ruined" us. I am the "crazy one" who needs  "help" and he can't "deal" with me. This weekend, I pointed out to him that my actions ( though at times may be wrong I admit that) they only come into play because of how he treats me when he is upset. The answer I get, "That's how I am, you have to deal with that."

This makes me so frustrated because he is putting the blame on me. I am the reason why we aren't working out... . I am the reason why our family will be torn apart when he leaves. I don't know what to do about this. He is so all over the place with this... . one moment it's over and he doesn't want anything to do with me... . the next moment, I'm his wife and he loves me. This whole "I hate you/Don't leave me thing" is wearing me out.

How do I deal with this? I love him and I want it to last... . any advice would be great!

Thank you!

[maxsterling]

What you describes is typical BPD chaos.  When a person with BPD gets emotionally overloaded, they try and pin us as the source of their discomfort.  Instinctively we defend ourselves, and they use our "defense" as ammo against us - proof that we are who they claim we are.  In your case, he claimed you were crazy because you can't deal with him, and you defended yourself by saying you only act that way because of him, and in his mind that was proof that in fact you are crazy and to blame.  Unknowingly, you were caught in his trap, and basically admitted to his initial criticism of you not being able to deal with him.  Unfortunately, I've been caught in the same trap, many, many times.  And it just leads to a circular conversation, where feelings get hurt on both sides. 

The trick is to not J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain).  See this link:  How to stop circular arguments .  I try to use some version of S.E.T. (support, empathy, truth)communication tool, and then just excuse myself from the argument if it is getting nowhere positive.  See here:  TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

the point is, you have to just be able to validate that they are upset, don't accept blame for anything that you have no control over, state what you want, and if they want to continue, don't participate. 

[waverider]

Doesn't matter if you can correctly verbalize it as he is incapable of correctly hearing it when dysregulated. So it is a waste of an argument. As long as you are trying to prove your side of things it will continue. It is the process of conflict that is driving him, not the issue itself.

Removing yourself from abuse is the only way to defend yourself.

There is no magic action or words that is going to stop him acting like this overnight. The only thing you can change is the way it affects you, your reactions, and whether you make it any worse than it needs be

[MSE1081]

Thank you so much for your advice. I am so glad that there is a place like this!

[RickLI]

This is all such valuable information. I wish I had know. About this months ago. Never did I realize that what I said to him was what set him off. We have split up and I'm honestly waiting to see if he will reach out to me soon. I have no idea what's going on in his life as he went 100% NC the day I moved out.

I think it's very traumatic for him right now and any mention of me is just going boil his blood. What I need to work on is patience, understanding and to move on. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I know I'm becoming stronger everyday. He broke me down to where I idolized him. I have to really look at the negativity I had to deal with and evaluate that.

I do love him so much and I'm willing to work on me to help him but there needs to be some buy in from him. Stopping the circular arguments is essential if we are ever to move forward. I've just heard of him blacklisting friends for years. I also know his other longest relationship was on and off for 3 years. So who knows. I just know I need to change my communication tactics with him if he ever comes back.