my "stretchable" boundaries

[Sunny Side]

Hey Sunny Side, It sounds like the handwriting was already on the Wall when you wrote down your list of what you were looking for in a r/s.  I could have written the same list regarding my BPDxW and suspect many others in a r/s with a pwBPD have entertained the same thoughts.  Thanks, LJ

Lucky Jim, that wall was the Great Wall Of China by the time we were through  .  They weren't all boundaries per se but more of a 'wish list' for what I wanted and didn't want in a r/s and a chance for her to define what she wanted or didn't want from me.

I may reprint the full list here in the "TPI Board" as an exercise for others to reexamine their own "wish lists". 

[waverider]

My partner too suffers from a complete lack of willingness to "save" herself, she is constantly appealing for others to do it for her. Then sabotaging their attempts until they give up. Round it goes.

Do you have firm boundaries in place for yourself or do you find yourself becoming "stretchable" too?

Pretty firm now, though nothing is completely black and white, there are still some "rubbery" areas, non of them serious or core issues.  There's always a wish list but that is no longer confused with a boundary list. At least now I know the difference and can choose which list something is placed on.

My aim is not to "fix" her, but to give myself a good life, this in turn will rub off, set a good example and provide her with a motivation to try to get her life back on track. A reason to make the effort if you like rather than an excuse as to why its not worth it. Seems to be working, but it is a very slow process as she is coming from a very low functioning status.

[lemon flower]

I am willing to be some kind of mother for him, but it can't be a full-time job 

Looking at what I wrote then it seems I already understood the emerging dysfunctional dynamic (and there were many already!) in our relationship and that it was unhealthy for both of us.  More importantly, I realize that I was not acting like an equal partner in the relationship either.  Though it felt good (at first) to think I was offering the love, counsel and wisdom of a supportive partner, I realized it was as much about my attempts to control her behavior which did not feel good then, or now, to admit.

I was absolutely devoted to the distorted idea that by 'helping her grow and mature' that we could have an incredible, supporting, trusting and understanding relationship with an unbreakable bond that was forged through:

Solving problems (i.e. me solving problems for her and not allowing her to learn to problem solve for herself)

Building trust (i.e. teaching her what trust was in effect removing her from the adult responsibility to determine this for herself)

Helping her to become a better parent (i.e. removing the responsibility for her to learn what this is for herself)

Helping her to manage her emotions (i.e. controlling her)

In short I was not helping her, or myself, but doing the exact opposite.  I was hurting us both.  It's been very humbling and uncomfortable for me to admit that in thinking I could support her this way that I myself was not acting like a healthy, functional adult who wanted to be in a relationship with an equal.  It's okay though because it's allowed me to reassess and relearn some important concepts going forward about what type of r/s I would like to live in and what type of person I need to be in order to do it.   Life is a process, yes? 

So in your case, Triss, when you say "I am willing to be some kind of mother to him", have you thought what this means to you? 

Yes, I agree a 100% that you can't have an equal, adult r/s this way, which is one of the reasons why I quit... .

but I do think it's not bad to try to support him as a friend, and hopefully our friendship can evolve to a certain level that grows above me being a "mother" and him denying all responsibility... .

at this moment he really got major problems (as in: no job, no home, no official adress, no money, very troubled relationships with his family, huge addiction problems)

since he lost his house in that fire 4 years ago he became some kind of an outlaw and it's clear that he really is not able to get out of it by himself, this situation is so complex that it's way beyond his capacity to handle it on his own

I have been trying to get him into health care and after 6 months now we finally came to the point that he has been talking to a social assistent from a psychiatric unit, so there is a chance he will get appropriate help at last... . still, the final word has to be his and I know he has a huge fear to get institutionalised and an even bigger fear for being sober... .

so in answer to your question: I see my "mother" role as

1. providing him some attention and motivation to go on with this

2. reminding him of his appointments and I try to keep the contact with his stepmom and this social assistent so he would have a small network of people he can trust

3. and I admit I do some very "motherly" things like doing his laundry and cleaning after him, and preparing some food when he comes along, but it's not my intention to keep on doing these things for the longest time, and in return he helps me with small jobs in my house so that's fine for now.

one step at a time, but I do not doubt it a second that he will be gone the moment he finds a replacement 

[waverider]

Think of it less of a mother role and more of a carer role. It is easier to firm up on boundaries that way. More of a support role rather than responsibility/obligation role.

It is more when I have my "carer" hat on rather than "partner" hat that I can make more objective decisions which are ultimately in both our best interests.

[lemon flower]

good point waverider,

the carer-hat is more easily to put off at the end of the day than the mother-hat, it creates a bigger distance and is far more clearer to both parties 

I'm goin' in the right direction, and I had good conversations lately with both his stepmom and his social assistent, although they aren't optimistic about his situation at all (the addictions are depriving him of a chance to get any kind of BPS-therapy ) they mentioned very clearly that he CAN get help when he's "ready" to accept help ... .   unfortunately he's allready stumbling around and making the same mistakes for the last ten years and he still doesn't get it  :'(

now, let's try to get rid of a far more complicated hat and that's the one from ex-lover... .