Update

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi everyone,

I decided to take a break from the board to gain some focus on my life.  Everything blew up on me at once and I was so overwhelmed, frustrated and angry.  My dd17 has her issues.  She was failing school and the latest being that she has decided to be a male and came out at school as transgender.  My son who has aspergers suffers from post-concussion syndrome.  My dh has BPD/NPD and lost his job on 12/30 and hasn't found another yet.  I was doing ok and keeping my head above water and getting through as best as I could and then I looked around and said DANG!  This freakin sucks!  I can't take any more of this stuff.  I came as close to having a complete breakdown as you can without being hospitalized. 

I told dh I wanted a divorce.  DH then started doing all those things I've been demanding he do for the past 20 years.  I'm not sure if it matters or not at this point but it sure makes life nice to have someone bring me a cup of coffee or offer me a cookie once in awhile!  I don't know if he will ever be the husband and father that we deserve but he's trying at least for now to put forth some effort.

I told dd to get herself in order so I didn't have to.  After a conference with pretty much everyone in school (guidance counselor, principal and vice principal and all her teachers) they let her drop one of the classes she was failing and she stays after to make up the other class she was failing and is now back to being a B student.  I also told her she is a female.  She wasn't born a man trapped in a woman's body.  She's feminine and has always loved sparkly girly things so knock it off, put on some make up  and deal with her teenage angst some other way.  She did!  Such a pretty girl.  She seems (who knows really) to be stable and her goal is to not go back to the hospital!

My poor son just turned 18 on the 9th and there isn't anything I can do for him except hope that more treatments have opened up for him now that he's 18.  He's on home instruction because his botox shots are no longer working for him and his headache (constant pain 24 hours a day!) is worse than ever.  I need to talk to his guidance counselor about how he can participate in graduation.  He doesn't care one way or the other but it would break my heart to miss seeing him in his cap and gown.

So life goes on.  I'm back to treading water and trying to find my happiness.  I bought a little sheltie.  He is a complete joy when he's not driving me crazy.  He's SMART!  12 weeks old now and can sit, lay down, stay for almost 5 minutes, roll over and is working on sit pretty.  I'm a proud new mommy.  My friends laugh at me because the first thing I did was enroll him in puppy class and puppy playtime. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello crazedncrazymom, 

It's good to see you on the boards again! Wow - what a wild ride!

I had no idea your son is in so much pain all the time... . That must be terrible to suffer through. I also hope that treatments will be available for him - what changes with him being 18 now? Are there new options or less because of it?

It is intriguing to hear that your dd decided to get her act together - what was the catalyst for that? I remember she was having a really hard time before... .

Congratulations on the new addition to your family! It seems like his presence is very therapeutic!

You will see what happens with your husband - I wish you the best. I hope he finds a job soon, and as far as marriage - he has to be motivated from within to work on himself... . You will see how much he is willing to fight for this marriage. I believe that while it only takes one to destroy a marriage, it takes both to make it work (a tall order - you have your own responsibilities, yet you cannot make it work all by yourself)... .

[qcarolr]

crazedncrazymom

Enjoy that puppy. He can give so much unconditional love and that is such a validating force in life.

Sounds like you reached the end of your rope and then tossed it over the side of the boat. So far no one has drowned, including you.

Keep us updated as you are able. 

qcr

[jeb]

What a plate load you are carrying!

What I related to most was your saying you just got a Sheltie.  I have had 6 Shelties in my life; 2 with my family of origin, 2 more from the same litter when my children were young and then as each of them passed on we would replace her with another puppy because we thought the one left behind would be lonely.  They are a lovely breed and so friendly and very intelligent; although I can state having had 6 they all had different personalities.  The only sad part for me is that there are still 2 remaining but they live with my ex and his wife of one year so I never see them.  So I, because I live in a condo and goodness knows Shelties are yappy, got a Papillon (which is French for butterfly because they have big butterfly like ears).  He is only 6.5 pounds and not very yappy at all.  I think dogs are very therapeutic and also make us get out and take them for walks even if we don't feel like it.  SO ENJOY YOUR SHELTIE!

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Pessim! 

We have an appointment with the neurologist on Monday to find out about new treatments.  If she doesn't come up with anything promising we will take him to a pain management specialist.  Funny story:  I called a pain management dr on Thursday and the receptionist asked that I have his current dr fax over his records so the dr could decide if he could help or not.  I decided to wait till we go to his current dr on Monday and sign releases.  Yesterday the pain receptionist called and said the dr looked at the records and thinks he can help.  I said... WOW!  That's awesome!  I got so excited.  Then said... wait!  How did you get his records?  Oh the dr faxed them right on over.  Well I didn't talk to the dr yet.  She said the dr's name and I said I hadn't heard of that dr but maybe a partner in the practice.  Then she asked my sons date of birth.  Come to find out there is another person with the same first and last name as my son that was seeking help on the same day for the same thing!  Although I was disappointed about not getting treatment it sure is an amazingly small world.

As far as dd17 goes.  I should have learned by now that EVERY SINGLE TIME things seem like they are ok with dd... . they really really aren't.  She asked to go to the mall with a friend the other day.  I said sure.  I made us an early dinner, gave her a little cash and her friend came to pick her up.  About an hour later I got a phone call.  Hello, this is the youth shelter.  Your daughter is here and is saying she isn't comfortable at home and wants to stay here.  She wants to express her true identity and is asking to be called by a male name.  Good grief how much more can we take with this child?  Now, just a little background... . dd has never (until very recently) showed any signs of being male identity.  She had beautiful long blond hair and like all teenage girls, spent far too much time on her hair and make up and clothes.  She wore everything sparkly and girly.  She was a cheerleader for years.  She has had boyfriends.  I don't even know what to make of this latest thing. 

Now back to my joy.  My little sheltie.  He is the cutest smartest little doggy.  He is so very expressive.  You know when he's happy and when he's sad.  He whines so much but it's cute even when he does because it's just this little whine.  He has a big doggie smile on most of the time.  He knew how sad I was the other night and came and put his head in my lap and whined.  Like... oh poor mommy.  I don't know what's wrong but we'll be sad together.

[manicmuse]

I say pick your battles with her. She is seeking attention, or telling the truth either way if we shelter them from the repercussions they never learn the actions have consequences.

As painful as it is (like watching a toddler putting her hand in a light socket) CHOOSE your battles, in some places let her take her journey.

[crazedncrazymom]

Yeah I know.  I'm just trying not to stress too much about all this.  We've already decided that I will only have minimal contact with her until she comes home.  The shelter usually tries to arrange family counseling sessions.  So I'm going to try to limit my contact to only that and if she wants more ... . well she knows how to call and say she's ready to come home.  Such a very bizarre situation. 

[jellibeans]

Hey Crazed

I am just seeing this now... . I am sorry for your continued struggles with your dd. I do hope the doctor appointment with your son goes well. I know how stressful it is to have sick kids and not know how to help them.

Do you have any counseling set up with your dd? I think the more you fight this gender thing the deeper she will hold on to it. I really don't know what to think of this but your dd could have been over compensating by dressing and doing very girlie things... . If this gives her some peace and happiness then I would not fight it. I am hoping the counseling will help direct you all better. Sending a hug your way... . you are lucky to have your little dog for comfort.

[pessim-optimist]

Wow... . cncmom, I would not know how to handle that situation with dd if I were in your shoes.

Gender confusion is somewhat common in BPD due to their unstable sense of identity, yet this is pretty sudden, and truly bizarre... .

How does that work with dd staying at the shelter? Who has custody/responsibility for your dd now?

Have you talked to any therapists as to how to approach this?

The puppy sounds like a wonderful companion and a source of joy. 

[crazedncrazymom]

jellibeans, I agree.  It probably would have been best to ignore it from the get go.  You can't even imagine the shock and dismay of seeing your beautiful girl looking like a boy.  I probably would have handled it differently had I known she'd end up in a youth shelter.  Actually ... . I don't know... . maybe I would have handled it the same.  This is hard stuff!

Pessim,

Good question.

I have custody of my daughter and she needs permission from me to leave the facility for any reason.  They transport her to school, call the school to check that she went to all her classes.  They have behavior expectations, give chores, bedtimes etc.  If she follows their expectations she is allowed a 20 minute walk every day and they give her a small (7.50 per week) allowance.  They provide all meals and offer counseling.  All in all if a kid is going to run away from home this is a great alternative.

[Being Mindful]

Hello!

My d. went through a phase of dressing like a boy. It was frustrating times. We tried to tolerate it as much as we could, and mostly ignore it. Seemed the more attention we gave it, the more things became worse. Eventually, she gave it up.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mama72]

Similar issues with our dd17. Found out she is wearing boys boxers for underwear. When they come through the wash, I throw them away. I know, I am horrible. 

Although, prom was Saturday and dd looked absolutely beautiful in her dress. She went to prom with her gf. I am still wondering how that went over at a Catholic High School?

Gotta laugh, so I don't cry.

[jellibeans]

crazed

This shelter sound pretty good... . this must relieve the stress level at home so enjoy it well you can. I know you want your dd at home but the thought of having someone else responsible for my dd even for a couple of days sounds like heaven.

I think that is the hardest thing to do ... . ignore the odd behavior or requests. Right now my dd changes her mind so much that I tend to take a wait and see approach... . usually her plans change several time before the real plan is put in place. I do try and pick my battles with her. I really would let this run it's course and see where it goes. I know that might be hard but I think right now it is more important to to support her.