So confused about what is going on right now

[traumaj1]

I'll try to condense this down some, so I don't write a novel.  My uBPDw and I have been together for about 5 1/2 years.  About a year and a half into our relationship she came to me and told me we were done.  I eventually found out that she had been talking to somebody prior to this and basically traded us out.  I lived in the house for 2 months before I could move, and she was over at my new place within the next month.  We rekindled our relationship and moved on from there. 

We got married almost a year ago... . it was about this time that I told her jokingly that she had BPD.  I really didn't give that much more thought until about 3 months ago when our relationship started to fail.  At first, I pawned it off to me working full time and going to school full time.  Once I did the research though, things sounded all to familiar symptom wise.  I finally called her out on this about five weeks ago and told her I was done.  All I really wanted was for her to acknowledge her problem, but that backfired.  I recanted my statement only two hours later, but she had already moved on to an ex.

I'm kinda stuck in my thought process now... . mostly confused by her actions.

We have to live together for the next few months until I'm done with school, as neither one of us have the money to move and we collectively have four children... . the youngest is special needs.  She still sees and texts the ex, even knowing I know about it.  She says she's confused and doesn't know what to do, as I played on her biggest fear... . abandonment.  She mostly blames me for the breakup and fails to see her part in all of it. 

We have gone to MC a couple of times and she has admitted to not always being nice.  We were both supposed to go to a T, but I'm the only one that has followed through so far.

Our first 2 weeks into this, she showed some affection and would occasionally hug, cuddle, and kiss me.  The next two weeks were the polar opposite.  Stone cold nothing!  This week has been hit or miss.  On Sunday, we joked, cuddled, wrestled, held hands, she told me she missed wearing her ring, we made plans for a future child custody case, and she asked if we'd ever be good in the future.  The next day was cold again.  Last night she came home from a night out with the girls and kissed me.  She then changed in front of me which she hadn't done in a long time. 

I want to first say this before my questions... . I want to try to fix things.  I understand what this will take on my part and I'm ok with it.  I realize that this choice shouldn't be made for the children alone, but having a special needs daughter really changes things.

My questions:

1:  Why is she going back and forth with everything... . her affection, her decision, our plans for the future?

2:  Will I have to move out before she can paint me white again or do you think this can happen with our current living arrangement?

3:  Why am I still getting sporadic love if she supposedly already has a replacement? 

4:  By doing all of the above, is she just testing me to see if I'm being truthful about wanting to fix things?

[maxsterling]

I can't really answer your questions, because I really don't know her.  But first off - has she ever been officially diagnosed BPD, or had any kind of therapy or medication for her problems that she admits to?  I'm just trying to get a gauge on her awareness of her own issues. 

But, I think the answer to all 4 questions could come down to a poor sense of self, which is a core issue with BPD.  She doesn't know who she is, or what she wants.  Think about it, if she was stable just being herself, all those questions wouldn't be issues.  I don't think she is "testing" you, because that requires some rationality, and a pwBPD tends to work more on raw emotions.  At least in the case of my GF - she doesn't know who she is - and always looks to others to tell her what to do.  And over the course of her lifetime, that pretty much means she goes with whatever feels best to quiet her racing emotions, not what is best for her.  That's what your wife is likely doing.  She's searching for whatever feels best.

[traumaj1]

I can't really answer your questions, because I really don't know her.  But first off - has she ever been officially diagnosed BPD, or had any kind of therapy or medication for her problems that she admits to?  I'm just trying to get a gauge on her awareness of her own issues. 

But, I think the answer to all 4 questions could come down to a poor sense of self, which is a core issue with BPD.  She doesn't know who she is, or what she wants.  Think about it, if she was stable just being herself, all those questions wouldn't be issues.  I don't think she is "testing" you, because that requires some rationality, and a pwBPD tends to work more on raw emotions.  At least in the case of my GF - she doesn't know who she is - and always looks to others to tell her what to do.  And over the course of her lifetime, that pretty much means she goes with whatever feels best to quiet her racing emotions, not what is best for her.  That's what your wife is likely doing.  She's searching for whatever feels best.

No official diagnosis.  She refuses to go to treatment.  My therapist, her mother, friends, and myself all believe she is BPD. She is fairly high functioning... . she is fairly opinionated and functions fairly well as a mother.

She has however, had tons of jobs and is in crisis mode right now, as her 30th birthday is Tuesday. She's constantly telling me that she needs to find herself.

I thought she may be testing me, as I was the one who abandoned her and now want to stay. I figured she needed proof that I was honest about it.

I know the whole scenario with the new guy is the worst choice for all involved... . financially, for our children, and for her future plans. I don't say this with blinders on either. Our youngest daughter is high impact and needs 24/7 care. She's 2 1/2, and as her father, I want to run away at times. I can't see anyone tolerating her for any amount of time. Kinda scares me too if we don't work out... . nobody will want me.

[sharlock]

Have you tried reading this:  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Aside: It struck me when you mentioned your developmentally disabled child and the challenges of raising her.  You said nobody would want you because of her disability and the difficulties in raising her?  Maybe I misread your message? I'm sorry if you feel that way but once you're in a better place I think you realize the right person would love you and your daughter, no matter how difficult she is. 

[traumaj1]

Have you tried reading this:  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Aside: It struck me when you mentioned your developmentally disabled child and the challenges of raising her.  You said nobody would want you because of her disability and the difficulties in raising her?  Maybe I misread your message? I'm sorry if you feel that way but once you're in a better place I think you realize the right person would love you and your daughter, no matter how difficult she is. 

Thanks for the kind words! I guess I could be happy down the road and find the right one to love us.  I'm still wanting to try and fix things here.  I'm so confused by the wife's actions though. She went out after work... . I'm guessing with the other guy. She came home at a decent time though. She called me on the way home and talked with me for a while. She stopped and grabbed us food on the way home and we put together Easter baskets together.  This morning I get a big hug, she tells my older girls that she's buying season passes to the water park, and she tries on a new bikini in front of me.  The other day she was naked in front of me too... . This is odd, because she recently had been hiding herself.

Why do I get the off and on affection and why is she making plans for the future with the kids if she's done? Her 30th birthday is Tuesday and she's in crisis over that. Is she just waiting until that's passed to figure stuff out?  I can't play this way for the next 3 months.  I'm just confused about everything... . is the random attention her real self coming through?  Like I'm still split black, but parts of white are showing?