Dysregulating

[Allmessedup]

So the back story is my BPDexgf were together 3.5 years.  Lots and lots of drama and recycles.   Back in January she broke it off and we were nc for just over 3 months.  I was detaching and was beginning to heal.

2 weeks ago she sent me an email asking if we could talk. And we did.  I was pretty upfront with her and explained that I would be setting some very strict boundaries because I had seen a lot of her BPD behaviors (she was dx 30 years ago and had years of very intensive therapy).

She was surprised and hadn't recognized the behaviors and agreed to the boundaries.  The biggest one was no silent treatment.  Taking time is good but no just disappearing for days on end. Also was fair fighting as I was not inclined to be sworn at or to have everything brought back up to argue all over again.

So for the last two weeks things have gone very well, surprisingly so.  I have changed the way I talk to her so that helps, and I have been not gotten pulled into any drama.  We talked a lot about what went wrong in our relationship and were able to find the reasons for that as well as the solutions.

This weekend however we made plans to go out with friends for the first time since the break up.   We started talking about some issues regarding sex and she saw an area that she felt she was very wrong about (I disagree but whatever... ). She has dysregulated over it.  Went into hermit mode.  Deactivating fb, not wanting to ever have any kind of relationship with anyone again.  She hates herself, Saying she intended to bide her time until she dies.  Sigh.  Lots of drama

Anyway, she barely managed to keep the boundary of no silent treatment but she did it. I was calm, not reacting to her drama externally and validated like crazy.

We talked and tAlked and I ignored all the comments about how she was a monster and instead tried to allow her to come to her own conclusions from probing into her past a bit.  In actuality I see that I acted like a t.

She is slightly better now and I am hoping that she will come out of it,  but I am wondering if I didn't do us both a grave disservice here?

I don't want to be her t.  I want to have an equal relationship as much as possible.

Any ideas/advice for going forward.  The whole self hatred thing is not new.  However I used to spend a great deal of time convincing her why I thought she was a great person.  This time I didn't do that.  I basically reality tested until (hopefully) she came to that conclusion herself.  My goal here is to empower her to be able to see things for herself.

Thanks for any and all suggestions,

Amu

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[Olinda]

I so hear you, Allmessedup.

I actually am a therapist so being t to my uBPDf comes kind of naturally. 

But I don't want to be that.  I recognize now that I have been that and am trying to disengage from that.  It is hard. 

I want her to seek her own support outside of me and it isn't happening.  I don't know what to do about it. We are going to try couples therapy and maybe, as someone else mentioned in the thread on counseling, it may become her therapy disguised as couples therapy, maybe the best I can hope for right now... .

Wanted to send you support... .

Olinda

[an0ught]

Hi AMU,

good questions to ask yourself 

She was surprised and hadn't recognized the behaviors and agreed to the boundaries.  The biggest one was no silent treatment.  Taking time is good but no just disappearing for days on end. Also was fair fighting as I was not inclined to be sworn at or to have everything brought back up to argue all over again.

So for the last two weeks things have gone very well, surprisingly so.  I have changed the way I talk to her so that helps, and I have been not gotten pulled into any drama.  We talked a lot about what went wrong in our relationship and were able to find the reasons for that as well as the solutions.

This weekend however we made plans to go out with friends for the first time since the break up.   We started talking about some issues regarding sex and she saw an area that she felt she was very wrong about (I disagree but whatever... ). She has dysregulated over it.  Went into hermit mode.  Deactivating fb, not wanting to ever have any kind of relationship with anyone again.  She hates herself, Saying she intended to bide her time until she dies.  Sigh.  Lots of drama

Anyway, she barely managed to keep the boundary of no silent treatment but she did it. I was calm, not reacting to her drama externally and validated like crazy.

We talked and tAlked and I ignored all the comments about how she was a monster and instead tried to allow her to come to her own conclusions from probing into her past a bit.  In actuality I see that I acted like a t.

She is slightly better now and I am hoping that she will come out of it,  but I am wondering if I didn't do us both a grave disservice here?

I don't want to be her t. 

Wise. Difficult. We can not and must not become a T. Even knowing all a T knows we would only create a mess. But then we can also not close our eyes to what we know. And we are in a committed relationship where the actions of one affects the other. We constantly interfere with our partner whether we want it or not. Now having additional "power" we also have additional responsibility. Boundaries and respect are vital.

It is a challenge and sometimes we toe a line. Posting on the board can keep on on the right side of it. The focus on this board on YOU.

I want to have an equal relationship as much as possible.

If both sides work hard maybe you get there. But right now you are not dealing with a mature partner and deluding yourself that it is otherwise will do not good to anyone.

Any ideas/advice for going forward.  The whole self hatred thing is not new.  However I used to spend a great deal of time convincing her why I thought she was a great person.  This time I didn't do that.  I basically reality tested until (hopefully) she came to that conclusion herself.  My goal here is to empower her to be able to see things for herself.

Insight is not everything. Others have to find their own way. Sometimes the best we can do is create an environment where this is possible.

[ziniztar]

I was pretty upfront with her and explained that I would be setting some very strict boundaries because I had seen a lot of her BPD behaviors

You are the only one that can really keep those boundaries alive. I can see why you wouldn't want to feel like her T.

What helps me is to have rules for myself. ":)o not question the relationship every second of the day or after each new incident/interaction." I'll only allow myself to do that once a week now as (my T said) it's even unfair to question it in every moment as each moment is so different and a decision based on 1 moment would never be an overall well-informed decision.

Another one is ":)o not push him into any type of behavioural change." When I do that, I'm wanting him to change, and I become a T that is trying to 'get a message across'. Whenever I feel like doing that, I step away from the situation. I tell him there are options and then put the responsibility back in his hands. Today I noticed I was a bit pre-occupied with the fact he hadn't done his homework for his therapy session and I was trying to get him to do it (if I make lunch does that give you enough time to prepare?). Immediately after I had said it I noticed: nope, this isn't good, I'm pushing him now. So I said: "No wait, now I'm interfering too much, this is your thing. Let's just make lunch together."

Would it help to think that whenever you're wanting to much for her to get what you're saying or to change her behaviour, you're trying to influence her? If you stay away from that feeling, I think you're on the safe side of the T/partner equation. It is not your responsibility to make her see things. All you can and should do is support her, validate her (and you're already doing that quite well from what I understood), and mention your observations to her. She then is at play to tie it all together.

good luck 

[waverider]

I was pretty upfront with her and explained that I would be setting some very strict boundaries because I had seen a lot of her BPD behaviors

You are the only one that can really keep those boundaries alive. I can see why you wouldn't want to feel like her T.

What helps me is to have rules for myself. ":)o not question the relationship every second of the day or after each new incident/interaction." I'll only allow myself to do that once a week now as (my T said) it's even unfair to question it in every moment as each moment is so different and a decision based on 1 moment would never be an overall well-informed decision.

Another one is ":)o not push him into any type of behavioural change." When I do that, I'm wanting him to change, and I become a T that is trying to 'get a message across'. Whenever I feel like doing that, I step away from the situation. I tell him there are options and then put the responsibility back in his hands. Today I noticed I was a bit pre-occupied with the fact he hadn't done his homework for his therapy session and I was trying to get him to do it (if I make lunch does that give you enough time to prepare?). Immediately after I had said it I noticed: nope, this isn't good, I'm pushing him now. So I said: "No wait, now I'm interfering too much, this is your thing. Let's just make lunch together."

Would it help to think that whenever you're wanting to much for her to get what you're saying or to change her behaviour, you're trying to influence her? If you stay away from that feeling, I think you're on the safe side of the T/partner equation. It is not your responsibility to make her see things. All you can and should do is support her, validate her (and you're already doing that quite well from what I understood), and mention your observations to her. She then is at play to tie it all together.

good luck 

Good advice Zinzitar, it is hard letting go like this and letting the dysfunctionality just flow around you. It is necessary however for your own sanity, otherwise known as separating" their stuff" from 'your stuff". Trying to control the uncontrolable only sets you up for failure and frustration