Attachment Theory

[coraliesolange]

For those of you who were raised by a BPD parent, I'm wondering if you have an insecure attachment type?  I'm going around in circles with my dismissive boyfriend. I myself am fearful avoidant and I only like dismissive men.  Men who actually act like they like me just irk me!  I'm wondering if a lot of the rest of you have noticed that you have the same types of issues.

I'm kind of a dork I think but I find it really interesting to see how things tie together and to see if I'm "normal" given my circumstances

[woodsposse]

 

Normal is what normal does.  :-)  (sorry had to throw in some Forrest Gump!)

I was certainly raised by a BPD parent but I don't have an insecure attachment type.  And that is alright.  I'm me, you are you. And both are normal. (or it is what it is).

Certainly there are other factors to why we do things the way we do them now as adults even though we may have had similar backgrounds being raised by a disordered caregiver.  I think it is healthy, however, that you are even asking.  That is a good thing.

As far as your attachment type being an "issue" - well, that is something, I think, you can work out how ever it works best for you.  Eitehr here or with a councelor or something.  The most important thing to know, in my opinion, is that you are normal.

So go be normal.   

[coraliesolange]

I'm very normal--for me

[Contradancer]

I have a Queen Witch mother, Flying Monkey father, and a BPDxh. I've been in a good relationship for almost eight months, but am always ready to run because good supposedly doesn't happen to me. But, I really want a good r/s in which I'm treated with respect, and fully loved. So, I'm working on my fear of real intimacy.

Is this kind of what you're going through?

[coraliesolange]

Kind of.  That definitely sounds like insecure attachment!  I have a more complicated form where I'm both desperate for love but also scared to death of it :\

[Contradancer]

No, we're in the same boat.  It's frustrating, and not easy. I, too, am desperate of love and frightened by it.  It's often by sheer will power, and my sweetheart's determination to not let me run insensibly, that I'm able to keep from running. He's a keeper that knows it takes work to recover from the damage of a BPDxh.

[coraliesolange]

 Good for you for finding somebody supportive!

[AsianSon]

This is very interesting to me.  I don't know much about insecure attachment types or styles, but a little looking found the following types:

Anxious–Preoccupied Attachment

Dismissive–Avoidant Attachment

Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment

Fearful–Avoidant Attachment

I suspect I may have the first type, where there is kind of a craving for closeness.  

[Contradancer]

I made a choice not to waste time and energy on any man who was wired to disappoint me, i.e. destined to fulfill my negative thoughts. That'd be too easy and unfulfilling.

Best wishes to you.

[coraliesolange]

Anxious–Preoccupied Attachment

I suspect I may have the first type, where there is kind of a craving for closeness.  

Do you get really anxious or worried or upset when your needs aren't being met and have trouble letting go?

[AsianSon]

In a word, yes. 

But in a strange way, dealing with my BPDm means learning (or trying to learn) to take care of myself and heal from not having my needs met. 

This is no fun at all (no surprise to everyone here).  But I wonder if it puts unfair pressure on the other people in our lives if we were to look to them for our needs. 

[P.F.Change]

Interesting question, coraliesolange.

Have you seen this article? I found it both validating and informative. Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Here is a quote:

Research consistently demonstrates that a parent’s adult attachment status is associated with infant attachment status (Crandell et al., 1997). Many BPD mothers’ own childhood attachments to their primary caregivers were “disorganized,” and they continue to suffer from “enmeshed” or “unresolved” attachments in adult relationships (Crandell et al., 2003; Hobson et al., 2005; Holmes, 2005). Thus, it is logical that the children of mothers with BPD display a high level of disorganization (Holmes, 2005; Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 1999)... . Children of mothers with BPD show a significantly higher prevalence of ‘disorganized’ attachment than children of mothers without BPD (Hobson et al., 2005).

[AsianSon]

Thanks for the link to the article.  I read it some time ago, and did not connect it to adult relationship behavior by the child after growing up. 

As it turns out, I am still wondering (dealing with?) whether my needs place unreasonable pressure on the people in my life. 

Is this my little "check" on personal behavior (maybe "fleas"?) that my BPDm would very rarely consider?  Or is it an unnecessary concern? 

Then again, if it turns out that people in my life are incapable of helping, then maybe I am wrong to ask. 

[Contradancer]

AsainSon, I think there is a balance between taking responsibility for one's self and the effort someone puts into a relationship with you. If you find you're letting someone else do most of the work to sustain the relationship or you're doing it, then someone needs to do more work. Some where in the middle of the spectrum is healthy.

As supportive as my bf is, I still have been doing a lot of self examination and self control. By learning what triggers me, I'm able to make more sensible decisions.

[coraliesolange]

People with insecure attachments are often attracted to other people with insecure attachments, so it's possible you're unconsciously setting yourself up.  You may be choosing people who can't give you what you need.

[AsianSon]

Thanks, Contradancer and coraliesolange, for your helpful feedback!

I think there is a balance between taking responsibility for one's self and the effort someone puts into a relationship with you. If you find you're letting someone else do most of the work to sustain the relationship or you're doing it, then someone needs to do more work. Some where in the middle of the spectrum is healthy.

I completely agree.  I am finding that the factors affecting a relationship change over time, and some factors are easier to handle than others for the people in the relationship. 

For example, my BPDm's behaviors have been increasing as she ages.  It isn't easy for anyone to deal with them, and through me, they cause strains in my marriage.  So I do my best to "carry the load" and to insulate my family.  And of course I remind myself that this factor is not permanent, and so it might help to view it as a storm to be weathered. 

People with insecure attachments are often attracted to other people with insecure attachments, so it's possible you're unconsciously setting yourself up.  You may be choosing people who can't give you what you need.

This is interesting.  I haven't considered things from a "choosing people" point of view.  I suppose I have expectations from people based upon the relationship type (friends, co-workers, etc), and the expectations may be "my needs."  And thinking about it, I would be careful about choosiness vs loneliness. 

Applied to my wife, I don't know if she is affected by insecure attachments.  But I now know that she was negatively affected by my BPDm for years before we found out about BPD.  It is not easy for her to let go of all that.  And I don't know how to sort out how much of her behavior is due to past BPDm behaviors or her current reaction after learning about BPD or something else.  On the other hand, maybe it doesn't matter. 

[charred]

There is a good book on attachment theory... . called "A general theory of love."

According to the book, we deep down decide what love is based on what we grew up with... and look for it in our partners. Pretty much exactly what you were asking about. Being insecurely attached is evident from a kind of chronic anxiety level that can be diagnosed as ADHD or an attachment disorder.  You are typically drawn to people like your parents and like you... so if you are having the same kind of people come and go  in your life you might want to work on yourself a bit. Reducing stress is big thing (check out mindfulness)... and becoming self nurturing and having your own limits can make you a much happier person, and make up for a lot of the trash you accumulate having a BPD parent... . find Laurel Mellin's book "The Pathway"... to be very good on self nurturing and setting limits.

When you feel strong sparks... and you are insecurely attached... chances are the person is a bit disordered and the sparks are like a warning of a coming explosion... . more of a  , than a sign that you found your soul mate. I used to chase every spark... now I know... real love doesn't come along till you have been around someone a long time, a few years even... and found they are compatible and have integrity... . that was opposite of my pwBPD.

My mother is waif BPP/father malignant NPD... don't think we won the parent lottery.