My 2 boys think I'm a coward

[grover11]

My 2 grown sons (19 and 21) don,t want me to leave and the older one is really lashing out and letting me know what he really thinks.Below is a test he sent me last night... .

(If you ever want to see me again you'll F***ing wait to talk to me before you move out, don't be the coward I know you are,prove me wrong.)

The younger one (whom I'm most close too and have a great relationship with) was drunk celebrating his birthday and called crying and begging me to stay.

I know they will realize in time that this is the the best and only way for me to save my sanity and have some peace.

I am proud that they are standing up for their mom and if making me the bad guy here and having them side with her so to speak lessens her feeling abandoned I can live with that knowing that at some point they will forgive.

Right now I'm just leaning on my brother, sister and my daughter from a previous marriage (she was raised by my current wife and myself from age 8) for support as they all see the need for me to leave.

[Unleashed]

One uses expletives, the other was drunk.  I'd calmly proceed with your intentions.  Submission to a regime does not yield positive results. Sorry the kids are acting as such, will they suddenly be nice and respectful if you continue?  No.  It sounds like they have their own baggage, no surprise, that is common.

Cowardice should not include detaching, they can accuse you of selfishness, but not cowardice.  That being said, self-preservation is encouraged.  I follow the dictionary definition.  For example when terrorists are called cowards I cringe.  I do not like terrorism, but terrorism is not cowardice, it is asymmetrical warfare. 

good luck

[seeking balance]

Grover,

Children no matter the age have a hard time when parents split.

They need their feelings validated - they are scared and hurt and don't want life to change.  Does this mean you change your plans, no - but in validating their fears you can help them come to terms with this.

Be as kind to them as you can - they are scared little boys in the body of grown men.

Peace,

SB

[12BarBlues]

You are no coward and your first action in showing it is stepping out of a toxic marriage. Your sons are giving you the same message but in different ways. One with anger and one with tears. SB is right, there is no good way to shield them from the chaos that happens when parents split. They just need to know that you will always be there for them and will never stop loving them. They most likely feel the abusive environment as well and may feel left behind.

[grover11]

I'm just dreading going home and letting the boys know that I'm not changing my mind. It's hard enough with her sending me texts and stuff to fuel the guilt.

I just have to keep focused on the new Apartment and the serene life that awaits, I was in an apartment before and I do know what it will be like. Only this time it's my decision to leave and I think she is going to use whatever is at her disposal (the kids) to make me feel guilty.

[Unleashed]

OK, there may be some issues with confidence at your end.  Really have to put it together.

1) Will ex or children harm or blackmail you due to this?  Probably not the first, maybe the second.

2) Is your action based on level evaluation of behaviors, is it right?  I think so, prove it to yourself.

3) The kids may be getting old enough to start their own agendas, but they need a supportive consistent message (as SB well stated)

They need their feelings validated - they are scared and hurt and don't want life to change.

I chose to wait, well over a decade, past the proper point to split. It did nothing good for me or us.   Due to your timidness, I recommend a divorce support group.  Hang in there, while "easy" does not describe this, "necessary" might

[justanotherguy25]

I do not know if this will make you feel any better or not.  My parents split up when I was 18.  I did the exact same thing that your son did.  I sent my father an email telling him how much he is hurting me, I told him to FU*k off, I told him that I never wanted to see him again.  It took me a while, probably a year or so before I could come to terms with what had happened.    I was not looking at what my parents were going through, all I saw was that my dad was leaving and moving out.  Once my anger and hatred subsided I had a lengthily conversation with my dad and I completely understood why he did what he did.

My actions and words were driven solely by emotions.  I was not thinking clearly and I was in a defensive position and was doing anything I could to get my way.  All I wanted was to have my parents back together.  You kids will get over it.  It might take a while before you can have a civil conversation with them.

I wish you nothing but the best sir.   Good luck

[grover11]

OK, there may be some issues with confidence at your end.  Really have to put it together.

1) Will ex or children harm or blackmail you due to this?  Probably not the first, maybe the second.

I'm not sure honestly I think it could go either way as far as blackmail from the wife, my older son will probably disown me for a while.

2) Is your action based on level evaluation of behaviors, is it right?  I think so, prove it to yourself.

Yes, there have been years of turmoil and yes I'm at my end.

3) The kids may be getting old enough to start their own agendas, but they need a supportive consistent message (as SB well stated)

They need their feelings validated - they are scared and hurt and don't want life to change.

You're both right as hard as it will be at first they need to hear the truth as far as how I feel

I chose to wait, well over a decade, past the proper point to split. It did nothing good for me or us.   :)ue to your timidness, I recommend a divorce support group.  Hang in there, while "easy" does not describe this, "necessary" might

[grover11]

I do not know if this will make you feel any better or not.  My parents split up when I was 18.  I did the exact same thing that your son did.  I sent my father an email telling him how much he is hurting me, I told him to FU*k off, I told him that I never wanted to see him again.  It took me a while, probably a year or so before I could come to terms with what had happened.    I was not looking at what my parents were going through, all I saw was that my dad was leaving and moving out.  Once my anger and hatred subsided I had a lengthily conversation with my dad and I completely understood why he did what he did.

My actions and words were driven solely by emotions.  I was not thinking clearly and I was in a defensive position and was doing anything I could to get my way.  All I wanted was to have my parents back together.  You kids will get over it.  It might take a while before you can have a civil conversation with them.

I wish you nothing but the best sir.   Good luck

Thank you for your perspective, it helps to hear it. We were separated for 2 1/2 years 7 years ago and the kids handled it well but I think they are old enough to now voice their true feelings and that something I will have to live with hoping they will unerstand at some point why I have to leave this marriage.