Is Extreme Jealousy Over Their Attention Given their Children a BPD Trait?

[mom2bpd]

 :'( Tell me if this is a BPD trait to be extremely jealous over the attention that their child receive.  I've noticed that my uBPD DD is very jealous if we as grandparents give attention or gifts to our GD.  One incident was at our DD's birthday when my H, her father, gave our GD a gift when he gave our DD a gift.  It was a small gift for GD, but when I asked GD a couple weeks later about using her gift, she told me her mother wouldn't let her because she said they were not clean!  She told her that her grandpa had probably bought those at goodwill so they needed to be cleaned before she could use them.  They were brand-new in the box! 

Our DD used to let us spend time with our GD so she could go spend her time partying.  Now that she married Mr. Control Freak NPD, they go no where so GD can also go no where.  If we even act like we want to do something with ONLY GD, it causes a rift!  What is this about?  Is this typical BPD behavior?

The older she gets the more childish she acts... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[manicmuse]

I see this also. My youngest Daughter and I were just disgussing this 10 minutes ago, I said its as if she doesnt want the children with me because shes jelous of them having my attention. Ugg how do you get around this?

ANd very nice to meet you!

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry mom2pbd... .  

It would be a generalization to say that it is a BPD trait per se. On the other hand, in my personal experience with my step-daughter that IS the case, and I have heard about this from others also.

What is typical for pwBPD is their emotional immaturity. It does often manifest itself as attention-seeking, and at times by inappropriate behaviors, when they feel left out or like they have competition. Jealousy can be part of it.

In our case it is sometimes jealousy over attention that is given to someone else (the grandkids, or anyone else for that matter), sometimes it is her insecurity in her relationship with them: if she sees that someone else is having a good connection with them, her relationship security as a mother is threatened... . It is so sad, nobody is trying to steal her kids' hearts and she is the only mom they will ever have. She is not able to understand that.

It is a sad truth - grandkids are often used as pawns and bargaining chips with the family.

One of the books on BPD suggested that the best way to keep a connection with our grandkids is to have the best possible connection with their BPD parent, and to try to include them (the parent) and build their confidence through various tools (see also side panel ------> ).

As far as your situation with the gift for your granddaughter - it may not have been avoidable as it was your daughter's birthday (perhaps making the day about your daughter and then giving the small gift at a different occasion may have worked - depending on your dd's mood at that time)... .

[mom2bpd]

Very nice to meet you too.  Any advice from those who've gotten around this kind of jealousy would be helpful.  It's very hard for me to understand as a non.  It just is not logical.  MY uBPD has always been jealous of anyone that she felt became too close to GD.  She just was never really jealous of me until she left GD with me for almost a year while DD was out of the country.  Then she comes back with Mr. NPD Control Freak and decides that she jealous of our relationship.  I suppose she wanted me to ignore her daughter, like she does, rather than trying to be a real mother to her.

One poster said that she, DD and her H, are not confident of their parenting and therefore are using GD as a pawn in a power struggle.  I don't know how to make DD realize that I just want to be a grandma and have a connection with GD.  

[pessim-optimist]

  We must have cross-posted: anyway, it's a difficult situation, I hope that my post above can help a bit.

Yet it is a very careful dance between connecting w/out grandkids and risking them getting hurt because of it, or not connecting with them as much as we would want to. That is probably my worst dilemma regarding them... .

[manicmuse]

My DD seems to do this with EVERYONE in her life... . she needs to be the center of everyones world, and if she is not watch out, you are not in her favor.

So I dont think its only the children, she tries to keep my ex and I fighting, the siblings, everyone, tells her friends horrible stories about each of us, just keeps everyone not trusting or speaking so she can control it all... .

The worst part is DYFS is involved with the children, and I dont know what shes told them about her family, but its dumb because IF they believe her, and take the children shell never see them again if a family member doesnt get them for her.

[manicmuse]

I spent the last two yrs including my Daughters the non and the BPD in some very special things. I have friends who played the after parties for GAGA this yeaar, we went to see them play in NYC had a nice hotel etc, then I took them to a zombie walk in Asbury partk, I try not only to include her with the kids, but spend special time with just us girls... NOTHING works with her, she actually tried to speak to my friend, getting his number texting him facebooking a few of them and messaging them on FB... . I cant do anymore... I feel like until she is at the point where she goes for help i CANT do it anymore, and right now untreated, her childen are in danger, her Hubby is scitophrenic, hes violent too and shes not ready to even leave him. Its just bad all around.

Has anyone else seen THIS kind of behaivior, shes even jelous of me having friends, she tries to talk to them about me... Thank goodness people know me, better than she thinks, and knew I love her and was trying to include her in a special part of my life.

[MammaMia]

Yes. In my case, my BPDs is jealous of any time I spend with my non daughter or her family. He is a grown man, 40 years old, and has always had a sibling rivalry going with his sister where my attention is concerned.  My non daughter is fed up and wants nothing to do with him, although she understands he is mentally ill and has become familiar with the disorder.  She says avoidance is the only way she can deal with him.   

I am a single parent and spend time with both of them, but do it separately.

[mom2bpd]

  I suppose I should have added extreme jealousy of siblings to my subject line.  My uBPDD is also very jealous of her sibling and if I even mention his name, she starts in on how he doesn't really care about his family... . blah... . blah.  As if she does, is what I want to say.  He has tried to offer her understanding but she wants nothing to do with him.  So sad, the way they wreck every relationship that they could have.  I often wonder who will want to have a relationship with her in the future since few want to now and she's young!

[Kate4queen]

My BPDson has always been extremely jealous of anyone in the family getting positive or even negative attention from us as parents. my 3rd son was once in hospital and BPD son made it a nightmare for everyone because as he said, 'hospital was his thing and his brother was just faking it for attention."

It puts you in an impossible situation, doesn't it?

[jellibeans]

Dear mom2BPD

Have you tried to compliment her on her parenting? I am not sure you have the opportunity to do that but if you can maybe that would help boost her confidence as a parent.

My dd16 is very jealous of her sister... . things have been better at home here since my older dd19 has gone off to college... . she is returning in 2 weeks so we will see how that reunion goes... . my dd likes the attention on her and no one else. I do think pwBPD just struggle with all relationships... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[manicmuse]

Ive tried that its not that she doesnt have confidence as a arent. She is jealous of THE GC for getting my attention.

[mom2bpd]

Good idea... . I'll try complimenting her on her parenting even though it's difficult when I've seen her be a neglectful mother on many occasions.  I'm glad granddaughter is old enough to do more for herself now.

[mom2bpd]

  does it ever get better with the jealousy of the BPD toward attention given to the grandchildren?  Has anyone seen this situation improve? She used to expect too much of me as far as babysitting and raising grandchild.  I'm hoping that if she and I can repair our relationship then she'll stop with the jealousy and let me see my granddaughter without her around.

Actually I'm kind of enjoying the calm and lack of drama since she's been in no to now low contact with the BPD.  It's my grandchild I miss.

[pessim-optimist]

You know, unfortunately I don't think the jealousy ever goes away. At least that has been our experience.

On the other hand - as the children grow older and become able to participate in more grown-up activities (in my SD's case - going to movies, going out to restaurants, and shopping) - there is an opportunity for making the time with grandkids complimentary to the time with SD rather than competitive. At other times, it's been possible to spend some really good quality time w/grandkids while she wanted to go on a date w/her husband, or just get away from them and go shopping w/out them. My husband and I would take turns babysitting her and spending time w/grandkids... .

[Thursday]

My BPDSD22 has a lot of issues with jealousy. We have seen her jealousy at its worst when she is trying to manage interpersonal relationships... . if a friend has another friend and invites them along when socializing with SD, SD is unhappy. She doesn't see this as an opportunity to meet someone new, she sees it as a complication, a competition. She often becomes dysregulated when this happens. She loses a lot of ground in her friendships because she can't relax about this.

She has been terribly jealous of her step-sister and she has been terribly jealous of her father's relationship with me. When she lived with us, when her Dad would bring me flowers we finally noticed that her mood would drop. When her Dad asked her about it, she told him,

"You never bring me flowers." He is a sweetheart who brought her little gifts all the time (even when her behavior wasn't great) but he was being romantic in bringing me flowers and had no inclination to bring her flowers because to him it didn't seem appropriate to gift her with something he deemed romantic. Yet, when he ignored his personal paradigm and brought her flowers once to see if it would help their relationship she hardly blinked, didn't say thank you and didn't even put the flowers in water and we found the bouquet in her room, shriveled in the plastic wrap, a few days later.

The one thing that is serving to help her with jealousy has been an improvement in her self-esteem. Actually, her current situation *doing well* has given her a lift in most problematical areas of her life. Seems to me when one is struggling with their image of themselves, to see another showered with love and attention would seem to diminish their standing or prove to them they are not worthy, which is what they are feeling inside, and worst, what they are working so hard to cover over with their poor behaviors.

Generosity of spirit is borne of a feeling of rightness with your own place, isn't it?

mom2BPD, it is sad to hear that your dd tries to keep you away from her DD (your GD) because of her jealousy. A tangled web, for sure.

thursday

[mom2bpd]

  nice to meet u Thursday. I like your statement about poor self image causing jealousy issues, and I believe this is a big part of her problem. She just married for the second time in the fall and he's narcissistic. I think she's struggling with that relationship and he doesn't care about her self esteem because everything is about HIM. So our poor granddaughter is caught in the middle of these two mentally handicapped people. The only thing that has worked partially for us is to give something small to our BPDd when we give anything to our GC. 

Thanks for your comments... they made me think of the root cause of her problems with jealousy.

[Tim300]

My BPD ex-fiancee seemed to be terrified of the possibility that I might give more attention to any children we might have than to her.  She warned me that if we had children that I better not do this.