First of all, this is a tough time for you, so just know that we are all here to listen to you and help you out. Hang in there .
Talking to you all and my therapist I realized that this just isn't the case. That not only during our relationship but equally afterwards she clearly demonstrated that she is highly manipulative, abusive, and incapable of love. It's a heartbreaking realization but true none the less. I kept rationalizing and making excuses for her behavior but its time for me to move on.
My therapist said you MUST recognize how sick this girl is. And recognize how sick you are to even want a relationship with her. That if I was in a better place I would have never been in a relationship with her in the first place.
He asked what my biggest fear was. I told him that she would change and be happier and a great person without me.
He replied that I'm afraid that that "apple" will one day ripen? And that I'll never find a another one? He called me out and said that's an irrational fear. I then asked him if he thought her "apple" would ever ripen. He was dead serious when he said this. He's a no bull kind of a guy. He Said he thinks she is rotten to the core.
It sounds like your T assessed your attraction to her well enough to throw "a splash of cold water in your face" and make you understand who you are dealing with. It's all good - all of us went through the same thing here. We need that cold water once in a while to refresh us and give us a healthier perspective on things. Your T is aware of her effects on you, and it is probably wise to follow his advice closely.
PwBPD don't magically get better with their next partner, and go into the sunset with the "happily ever-after" song in the background... . Even healthy relationships require mentally and emotionally sound partners and a lot of work to continue and last. Given your experience with her and her dating history you mentioned, I fail to see how you believe that the new guy will have it better with her.
I used to have anxiety about that I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't strong enough. That all her other exes broke up with her. Why did she break up with me? I learned from her old roommate that she abused all her exes full force just like me. She told me that she thought it was awesome how I would actually take a stand to her. That I wouldn't back down. That her exes never did that.
It makes so much sense. She left because I didn't put up with her crazy. I challenged her. Pushed her to see reality and grow. And she didn't like it. I also realized that I wanted to break up with her multiple times. She just always dooped me to stay.
i would have been the third bf to break up with her in 1.5 years. It makes so much sense. And she broke up with me because once upon a time I was stronger. Higher self esteem. Not an easy target. I take comfort in that as well
It's a really good thing that you are aware of your qualities here - that you pushed back and were strong in front of her. Remember that it is okay to be vulnerable. It is ok to be weak too. Most of us go back and worth between strength and weakness, invincibility and vulnerability.
What you need to strive for is delivering on your strength. You probably understand the kind of hurt that the entire situation has brought you. That will help you realize further course of action and, hopefully, make you see that detachment and going on about your life should be your priorities. Is it difficult? Yes. Why? Because you likely tied the reason and sense of your existence to her well-being... . That is a great thing when it is reciprocated, a good sign that you found "the one." But then, from what you told us here, this woman is clearly not responding in the same way. Abuse is not the language of love... .
It's always natural to fear when an ex gets a new relationship she's going to be amazing and happy and healthy with them and get married. Again her actions towards me prove to not be the case. I used to worry. What if her next relationship lasts? I realized if it does that just means this "laid back" nice guy from Hawaii is just giving her whatever ever she wants. That he's just catering to her everyday needs. And lets be honest. There is a ton, and most likely she's not really meeting his needs. So again. In the low self esteem state I have currently i take comfort in that as well. That shes abusing this guy just as much as she did all her bfs. No matter how great he is. And that if he lasts. It's because he's waved the white flag while she goes for the throat. I'm sure one day when I'm stronger I'll feel bad for him. But again. I take comfort in knowing that she's kind of doomed. I fully admit that. But hey. Anything that helps me sleep at night I'll take it.
Many fears in life are natural. It is good to feel them and acknowledge them. It is not good to be consumed by them and let them develop a sense of hatred within yourself. Right now, while you still hurt, you should put your focus on yourself. Your well-being should be the most important thing to you. Admitting that you can't empathize with her at this point in time is a part of healing. That will change over time, as you realize, accept, appreciate and further nurture your caregiving qualities. The thing to keep in mind is that caregiving is a great thing when you are giving care to people who want to help themselves. Otherwise, it can be a soul-devouring effort - you are not Sisyphus.
She's lost. She's scared. She's alone. Even in a relationship. She's unhappy. She always will be. And I'm going to support her to the best of my abilities. I want to be a strong enough person where I can handle anything thrown my way. And who knows. Maybe when she realizes how sad and alone she truly is we can try again. But I know that if I stick to the right path, that even if she would want to. Id be strong enough and healthy enough to recognize that that would not lead to a happy and fulfilled life.
No one here will tell you what to do for her. Whether you will continue to support her or just proceed with detachment is your decision to make and yours alone. That said, most of us here, over time, realize that to be supportive and useful to others, we first have to find ourselves. That includes understanding where we come from, what got us where we are, what kept us in this type of relationship, what are some great thing about us that should not change, but also the sometimes painful self-discovery aimed at things that keep us stuck. Changing is difficult, but necessary. Right now, it sounds like you need to focus on yourself. It sounds that she has a new boyfriend, and she is his responsibility now. On the other hand, you are now your responsibility. Try to take this time to reflect on your own needs and wants. In your post, you primarily focused on your perception of her needs and wants. You are half of the medal in your relationships - you matter as well. Never forget that.
I still do wish the best for her. I want everyone to be happy and in love. I know I have my problems. We all do. And I don't say this lightly, or for a self esteem boost. But I am the most loving and caring person I know. I know that any girl would be lucky to team up with me in life. Because I truly am willing to do whatever it takes for the people in my life.
This is coming from a very healthy place. It is a change in tone from the beginning of your post - you still have a place in your heart for true empathy. It looks like you understand the toll her condition is taking on her. It is excellent that you recognize your caregiving qualities. But, it is also important that you heal first. Once you do heal, you need not find "any girl." You need to find a girl that is already a good person and that, with your help, will become an even better person. And it's mutual - she should have the same effect on you. Now reflect on the relationship with this girl and whether the same was true - mutually of course? The answer to that will send you in the right direction... .
Life is hard. I'm not looking for a wife. A girl to take care of. A sex partner. I'm looking for a best friend. A teammate. An equal. Not someone that I have to look after. Someone who I can team up with and tackle life TOGETHER.
As I said, you did evolve within this same post (you begged her for a little sex near the beginning). This is good - you are growing through reflection - we all do. This is another thing that comes from a healthy place that you have inside of you. Now ask yourself if this girl fits any of these elements? Also, your perception of your needs and wants and your actual needs and wants are not necessarily the same. This is another thing that you should probably reflect on or explore with your T. It sounds like this girl was not fulfilling you, but she may have leveraged your caregiving side which may have made you feel special and wanted. In a healthy relationship, partners care for each other for who they are, and do not equalize their feelings with expectations and needs. Receiving is as important as giving. It sounds like you were giving a lot. What is it that you received?
I know she'll try and convince me otherwise. I know she'll try and let me know how happy and healthy she's doing. It's what she always does. Unfortunately her whole life is and always will be smoke and mirrors. Breaks my heart. But I can go to sleep at night knowing that I tried my best. That things didn't workout between us because I demanded more. Not because I wasn't good enough or expected too much.
And to be honest that makes me smile. Healthy people are attracted to healthy people. And at first she dooped me. But I saw the red flags by the second date when she yelled at me. When I picked up an abusive partner brochure at the health center. It was my fault for getting sucked in and staying. But hey. It's what they do best. And to be honest she was the first girl I ever got close with.
I know through this whole experience I have grown so much. I learned from my mistakes. I learned what I want in a relationship and what I don't. It still breaks my heart and saddens me knowing that I can never have a happy and healthy relationship with her. And that she is all smoke and mirrors. And that even when she appears to be happy and grounded that its all a show. All lies she tells me and herself.
I appreciate everyone's honest and sincere feedback. I'm going to continue to post on here and help others as well as still receive help and support. I know everyone on here will continue to support me and remind me that this girl I love is truly sick and to pursue a relationship with her isn't wise or healthy by no means. And that unfortunately she's not going to change. Just reminders that I'll still need to hear from other people.
Thank you all for everything.
I say let's hope that she will change - for her own well-being. We all know how likely that is, but we are wholesome people and we should wish them the best.
At her present, the way you described it, she is not making you happy. You attempted to make her happy, but she doesn't have the ability to do either. It is not an enviable state of mind.
Having hard feelings is normal, but not something that should stick with you. Since people with BPD (assuming that she has it) are locked at a 3-4 year old emotional stage of development, we are/were dealing with children. You can't expect much in terms of adult feelings from children. Likewise, when you recover fully, you will not have any bad feelings towards what is essentially a child locked in an adult body... .
Again, acknowledge what you feel. Read and re-read the lessons in the sidebar. Strive for radical acceptance. Work on yourself. Work with your T. And take care of yourself.
We are here for you.
