I really am not sure how much more we can handle.

[muffetbuffet]

Not sure how much more dh and I can take of DD.  She turned 17 in March and life has certainly taken a turn for the worse.  Prior to birthday, she was attending school as she knew she had to or get fined.  Once turning 17, she only went when she felt like going.  School has been more than helpful and created as shortened day schedule.  Again, dd only attends when she wants to do so.  We chose not to fight the school battle and said that if she quits school she has to get a job.  She laughed at us.  So her schedule consists of sleeping most of the day and being up most of the night.  She does nothing constructive.  Refuses to even as much as do a few dishes or keep up with her own laundry.  She told me tonight that she wishes I were never in her life.  I have totally ruined her life.  Really!  My husband and I have done nothing but stand by this little girl for the last 10 years.  We took her in when she had no one else. I cannot tell you how many counseling appts, med check appts, trips to the ER, issues with residential placements, etc that we have dealt with.  My husband and I never did this to "get anything out of it", we adopted dd and her brother because that is what we feel GOD lead us to do in our lives.  It is so very difficult at this point and I really am not sure how much more we can handle.    :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Oh I am right there with you muffet.  We learn all these skills and they are so helpful.  I don't know what I'd be doing right now without all the knowledge and practice I've had.  Even though these skills are wonderful and awesome and sure help things from spiraling completely out of control, they don't make it any easier to have to deal with everything.  I don't know about you but every time I think I can't be shocked anymore WHAM I am shocked speechless.     

I'd find out what her plan is.  18 is not very far away.  What does she plan on doing then?  Maybe try using her future goal as a way to get her to go to school.  What's your plan?  OH get the hell away from me?  That's a plan.  How are you going to accomplish that? 

I feel your pain and I'm sorry you're going through this.  You're definitely not alone in your sorrow.

-crazed

[jellibeans]

muffet

I feel like I am right behind you with my dd. She wants to attend a charter school and only go half days. I do think she will do less than she is already doing at her current high school. My dd turns 17 in July and although I have seen some improvements over the past year she still has a ways to go. It is hard to hear the things they say to  us. My dd can be really harsh but I feel at those times she is just trying to hurt me... . because she is hurting. She wants me to join her or maybe take the hurt from her. These are tough day right now but I do think they will get better.

Can I ask you what your dd does for money? How does she get the things she wants? My dd wants many things but we have really cut back on the funds we give her. I try to find things she cares about and use that to motivate her. There is always something they want... . my dd is a bottleless pit of things... . she wants to fill up on things. As she goes through the next few years I think it is important to limit what they are given and it is time for them to work for things.

I like to picture my dd 10 years from now... . I feel she will be doing better... . maybe have a boyfriend and a job... . her own life. With that kind of distance I am hoping we have a closer relationship... . that is what keeps me going... . knowing that things won't and can't stay the same for any of us... . stepping back and getting some perspective.

I try to look at like my dd has a very long life... . maybe the past few years have been hard for all of us but these few years might just be a blimp on the timeline... . maybe there are better days ahead... . maybe she will have more good years than bad? Maybe we will look back and wonder how we made it through those hard times... . I really have to have hope... . my dd is alive and breathing... . I am thankful for that... . as long as she is on this earth I can have hope that she will mature and learn to cope better. Maybe that involves being away from me... . if thats what will make her happy then I am all for it... . but I also have faith that I have done the best for my dd that I could do. I won't look back and say I should have done more... . I will have peace in knowing that and I think she knows that too... . deep down she knows I love her.

[muffetbuffet]

What is her plan?  At one point she was all about becoming something in the health care field.  She was even signed up to attend our technical school in the fall for half day in the health assistant program.  She also expressed an interest in photography so we made sure she was in a photography class this school year.  For Christmas, the family went together and bought her a good camera.  It is sitting in the corner in her room right now  I believe the only "plan" she has is to get away from my dh and I.  She wants to be able to be free... . no rules... no obligations and I also believe she is again on the kick of wanting to get pregnant.  She goes from one guy to another without a thought.  We have one pregnancy scare after another.  She was on the implanon birth control, but it had to be taken out due to medical issues.  She refuses to use any other birth control (she wants control of the situation) despite the fact that she has major issues with ovarian cysts and the pill helps out that situation.  As for $$$, she babysits one evening per week and makes $15.  My husband and I do not give her much other money as we feel she does not deserve it.  She does nothing at the house to help out so we don't give her an allowance or anything.  When she does want to go out, it means hanging out with the latest boy and hey sex is cheap! The only real "things" she has right now are her cell phone, TV and Netflix.  We have taken the computer away from her.  She used to be all about clothes, but not anymore.  She has piles and piles of clothes in her room; some dirty and some clean.  Some days, we would like to just tell her to leave.  Live with your friends and see how life is.  The hard part is that my husband and I care too much and we are still responsible for her.  Ok enough venting... . thanks for listening. 

[jellibeans]

oh muffet... . I swear our dds are twins... . so similar with the health field and photography... . she now want to be a therapist... . maybe that will help her figure things out. Time will tell... . they just need more time...

[muffetbuffet]

Maybe I should inquire tonight if daughter has changed her career plans and is thinking of being a therapist?   

[suchsadness]

I just had to add a quick reply... . my BPD dd36 is also health care and photography based.  She was a paramedic, then started her own photography business... . now says she is going to school for nursing!  Oh, and after doing some outpatient rehab - mentioned that she would like to be a counselor/therapist.  This is interesting how similar their interests are!

[jellibeans]

Just to add one more thing... . my dd has made a new friend that has a child 3 years old... . I do think she would love to have a baby too. When she comes home after seeing this child she is so excited.

[Stella1425]

Horrible as it is to say, having a child (my gs6) was not a bad thing for helping my D. I think she could have need up so much worse with drugs and alcohol if not for him.  She was 23 however. Also, although my D is a server in an upscale restaurant and makes ok money, she also has always been interested in photography and has a very good eye. I love some of her photos. I always hoped she'd be able to do something with that talent some day.

[muffetbuffet]

So, looking for more suggestions today.  As I have said before dd has a mind of her own and seems to think that nothing will ever happen to her.  I know that is a normal teen thing, but dd takes it to an extreme.  Anyhow, last evening she flew out the door to help a friend "in need".  Turns out it was two boys fighting over her.  She walked home by herself at 10:00 last night.  While on her way home, she realized someone was following her.  At least she did the right thing and walked into a store.  She just does not understand how dangerous it is to be a beautiful young girl out walking the streets at night.  How do you get that across to her?

[Thursday]

Hi muffetbuffet,

sounds like things are at a low for you as regards your DD. We had so many troubles and issues with my SD when she was your DD's age.

One thing we did was write a behavioral contract and had her sign it on a day when things were calm. It set strict guidelines for her behavior including consequences for bad behavior and rewards for good.

We tried to keep it creative and tried to keep the consequences in line with the infractions. For example- she was not allowed to smoke cigarettes as she was underage and getting them was something that involved lying, stealing, hanging with unsavory types etc. If we caught her smoking or found evidence that she was smoking her consequence was to pick up cigarette butts at the local grocery store parking lot. We live in a big town but our neighborhood is like a small community so when she was out there picking up butts a lot of her school mates came up to her and asked her what was going on. We made her do this alone (no friend to help) and we sat and watched and even had food and drinks and magazines to read to help us pass the time. We made her do this for an hour. One thing here though, my SD is not the type to walk off or be super defiant so this might not work with a more defiant kid.

As for your safety issues... . we really went to great lengths to keep my SD safe. She was so impulsive her safety was a real concern. When she was 15 she was talking to strangers on the internet. Her older Step-sister got online and created a fake profile of a boy, used a few pictures from a myspace profile (found a kid who was my SD's "type" and made a fake profile of a kid getting ready to start school at SD's high school.) SD fell for the bait and nonDD chatted with her to see how far she would go. She sent topless pictures of herself to this stranger (was not asked to do so, she just offered this as if this was something she did on a regular basis... . and later we found out that she and some of her friends did this all the time) that she had chatted with for only about thirty minutes. Worse, SD planned to meet "him" on the sly, in the middle of the night in an adjoining neighborhood. My nonDD then stalled her until we could set up a "sting". We had a male friend she didn't know, an older man, sit in the car where they were supposed to meet and wait for her. When she showed up he got out of the car and said her name and rushed towards her and she screamed and ran home. We were waiting when she came through the door and she had to suffer the consequences of leaving the house without permission. She admitted what she was doing (she was pretty flustered and we had her in a confessing moment as she was certain she had nearly been kidnapped and raped) and just the fright kept her more on the straight and narrow for a good long while.

Too sneaky? Yes, very sneaky on our part. But at that time she was actively searching out these dangerous situations and it stopped her. Keeping her safe was my number one priority as her step-mom.

Not sure any of this will apply or work with your daughter but maybe it will give you a place to invent your own scenarios... .

Thursday

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[muffetbuffet]

Thursday,

Thanks for a chuckle!  Good set up to catch daughter "in the act".  Our dd is very defiant and that is where we have our trouble.  We try very hard to make the consequence match the offense, but we also do not impose a consequence that we cannot follow through with.  Telling her that she had to pick up cig butts, while a wonderful idea, would probably not work for us.  I don't think we could get dd to the parking lot, let alone have her pick up garbage.  As for the computer, we too have found nude photos (full body) that were sent by dd to unknown men.  Unless supervised, she is not allowed on our home computer.  She always manages to find a way to get computer access elsewhere.  I would so love to put her in a bubble as I know the decisions she is making are not positive nor safe for her.  Unfortunately, she is managing to walk that fine line between staying at home and needing residential treatment placement again.  Again thanks for the chuckle.  Only someone in the middle of the same situation would laugh at what you did with your dd. Glad to hear that your plan worked.

[JKN77]

Hi muffetbuffet, I haven't been on this thread for a long time. Just popped in to catch up and your thread caught my eye. I would like to share a few things with you if you have time to read it and maybe give you food for thought.

My ds20, who I think has BD, was last month. A brief background on him if you all don't remember.

At 17 things were so bad with him and drugs that we let him move out. It wasn't long before he was in the court system. Then he was braking his probation. So he chose to go to a rehab facility instead on juvy. He spent 9 months there, came home and started back up again. It was horrible, and, he was dragging his younger brother down with him. We had to get him out of the house. My H was able to get him a job with a construction crew that works all around the states. Off he went. When he left I told him, "you are a man now. If you screw this up you cannot move back home. You may come home to visit, but not to live if you mess up. This is a great opportunity for you, you better make the best of it".

Good news, he is still working with the same company and it has been about a year. He still has his moments when I don't talk to him because he is in 'a mood', but mostly he has seen the world and how hard it is. He is taking responsibility and is noticing all we do for him. And get ready - he actually says he loves me at the end of the conversations! Getting out there on his own, over a thousand of miles away from us has been great for him. He has finally decided to start saving money so he can get some specialty training and be able to get a permanently located job so he doesn't have to travel. Things are looking up.

Now. I have a ds17 at home, he does not have BD. He has been giving me as much grief as my other son, some drugs but not to the extent as the other. Any way, he has been threatening suicide and telling me he wants to be emancipated because he hates me, this house, blah, blah, blah. Basically blames me for all his woes, won't participate in anything the family does. I, of course, feel like crap and take on that blame - I think most moms do.

Well, I took him to the Dr. to talk about his depression. The Dr. said that he gets someone in every week over this same thing. I didn't even tell the Dr. about many of the things that ds17 has said, but the Dr. told us. He quoted exactly what I have been hearing. "I just want to be left alone, let me do what I want. I want to move out, I don't like my parents, etc. etc. etc.". He also said he had the same issues with his son. He did let his son move out. He told his son when he left that if he got arrested he will come to court with him and even come to the jail cell and play cards with him, but he will not bail him out. His son lasted a less than a month and moved back home. These kids just don't realize how hard it is out there. The Dr. also said that he doesn't know why this is so prevalent with todays kids, but it is very common. Maybe it is all the technology, maybe the media, maybe the schools, or maybe all of it. But something is going on in our society that is screwing up our youth and it doesn't matter if they have BD or not.

When my ds20 moved out when he was younger, he couldn't make it either. Even when he came home from rehab he went back and forth. I would kick him out for doing drugs, he would be on the streets in a few weeks, beg to come home and promise to keep the rules. My h and I discussed that if ds17 keeps persisting, we are going to let him go. Sometimes it is the only way they will learn. And yes, there will be consequences that come with it. But my experience has shown me that sometimes that is the only thing that will do it. And it takes time, about a year before they really start getting it.

Visiting with the Dr. was very healing for me. This is a good guy, he has a good family, he is a Bishop in his church. I figure that if he is dealing with this too, then it can't be all me that is making my son miserable, it isn't because I am a bad mom - and that is what I was starting to believe.

Hope that helps... .

[js friend]

Hi muffetbuffet,

sounds like things are at a low for you as regards your DD. We had so many troubles and issues with my SD when she was your DD's age.

One thing we did was write a behavioral contract and had her sign it on a day when things were calm. It set strict guidelines for her behavior including consequences for bad behavior and rewards for good.



As for your safety issues... . we really went to great lengths to keep my SD safe. She was so impulsive her safety was a real concern. When she was 15 she was talking to strangers on the internet. Her older Step-sister got online and created a fake profile of a boy, used a few pictures from a myspace profile (found a kid who was my SD's "type" and made a fake profile of a kid getting ready to start school at SD's high school.) SD fell for the bait and nonDD chatted with her to see how far she would go. She sent topless pictures of herself to this stranger (was not asked to do so, she just offered this as if this was something she did on a regular basis... . and later we found out that she and some of her friends did this all the time) that she had chatted with for only about thirty minutes.

WOWOODNESS!



Thursday I had a good chuckle too. Only we whom live it and can share the humour 


My DD  was doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING AT THE SAME AGE!... . Only differnce was that the boy she was talking to and exposing herself to lived in another country... . Only when it had almost fizzled out that I became aware that she had been calling him and found copies of her internet chats with him and in all of the ones i read he never brought up sex or asked her to do it... . she always offered it or it was always her talking about it. Truly claimed him as "hers" and would warn other girls over the net off him.

As for keeping them safe... . DD enjoyed wondering the streets at night and had no fear of anything ever happening to her. Once she even climbed through the window while we were all asleep, and if i locked all the doors she would threaten to call the police on me or become violent. She just wanted to hook up with anyone who wanted to with no regard to anything else.she woould even go hungry and lived in the same clothes for days at a time, and would carry spare underwear around with her.

So by the time she fianlly left she was hardly living here anyway so the transition wasnt that hard not having her here,and my nerves were literally shattered.It  didnt feel quite right thtat dd should leave home at that age but  i knew that if she hated being here as she kept telling us all then she needed to do for herself and she is still doing it for herself and not making too bad a job of keeping a roof over her head.

oh and the careers... . dd has wanted to do all those things too with the addition of teaching, dentist,beauty therapist, hairdressers, accountant and joining the armed forces. She was on that one for over a year.! The taching one I knoew was never going to happen as dd doesnt have the patience even to explain anything twice so how would she cope with a room of students... . nah that wasnt going to happen. Now when she tells me of her plans i just listen... . and dont get my hopes up.

. Most of the time I believe it is just what they see others doing... . Her school friends have gone into some of these professions other ideas i believe have come from family members careers. So far she is still sitting down and doing nothing... . and about to have her 2nd child

[muffetbuffet]

Thanks for the stories of your situations.  I feel somewhat a sense of calm and relief when I read these all today as we are at the point of considering allowing our daughter to leave our home and move in with her older biological sister.  Our dd is adopted, so we have only had minimal contact with bio sister over the years.  While we don't think this is the "best" place for dd we know that our home certainly is not anymore.  We have had several conversations with older sister and we plan to visit with our attorney this week to draw up some sort of paperwork to transfer custody.  Will keep you updated on the adventures yet to come.  Happy Monday.

[jellibeans]

oh muffet... . this has to be a hard decision for you all to come to but it sounds like the best one for now. Hang tight... . I do think these kids appreciate us more once they are out on their own. Believe in yourself and in your dd.

[muffetbuffet]

Latest chapter... . Our DD left yesterday to go and live with her older biological sister.  It was tough to see her go (husband was even crying) but it is what DD wanted so we will see how it all works out.  Hope and pray that she can get her life back on track.   :'(

[jellibeans]

oh muffet

I am so sorry to read the news. I hope this gives her the room to reflect on her life and how good she had it with you and your H. Stay strong and try to keep a connection with her. She is young and has a lot of growing up to do. I am hoping she realizes what she is giving up and comes to her senses. It is time she learn some hard lessons and hopefully they will lead her back to you.

[muffetbuffet]

update:  Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since dd has gone to live with her sister.  We have had short conversations; most recent one asking for help because her phone is broken.  She already has a new boyfriend.  Her sister's family does a lot of camping and "relaxing" as dd shared with me.  There are minimal expectations for anything so dd is as happy as can be.  Much different life than she had living with us when there were expectations and dare I say rules to be followed. 

It has been quite a different situation for my husband and I to get used to now that there are no problems at our home.  We were invited to a family gathering on Saturday and we both felt a bit uncomfortable going.  For so long, we have had to turn down invitations as we could not leave dd home alone or at least be close to home to monitor what was going on.  One day at a time... .

[jellibeans]

oh muffet

I know the feeling. There was a time we went no where or even we were brave enough to make plans had to cancel at the last moment. Take this time to rekindle relationships and do things you enjoy.Focus on yourself for a change.

Your dd is happy where she is... . great news... . isn't that what we wnat? Give her the time and space to reflect and I do think this will help your relationship with her. hang in there

[muffetbuffet]

Wow how quickly things can change.  When I last posted, dd had left our home to move in with biological sister in another state.  She only lasted three weeks there until her drama caused police to be involved.  Sister said that dd could not remain at her home as she has two very young children.  Ironically, dd has new boyfriend and she moved in with him and his family.  It just amazes me that she is 15+ hours away from home in a town that she has only visited once and she was able to find somewhere to live on a moment's notice.  She has been living with boyfriend and his family for two weeks now (has known him for almost a month) and dd proclaims that they are now engaged.  DD is 17 and boyfriend is 20.  Neither one of them has a job.  Boyfriend has a car, but they never have gas money to go anywhere.  Certainly not the life I would have ever imagined for dd, but she seems happy.  Relationship with DD and my husband and I has improved since we did not fight the move in with boyfriend.  Hope and pray that she stays safe and she is getting her life back on track.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Hi MB,

Yep, things with our kids can change so fast!

Reflecting on our story, I feel a lot of hope for you with the given situation. Of course, what is going on now isn't ideal but when we found ourselves in a similar situation (SD suddenly not living with us and the situation changing quickly) it put us on a much better course.

One of the reasons we were helped was that we were free from the daily escalations of  bad behavior. This gave us room to think, to learn from the teachings here and in books and from therapy and al-anon. It's hard to even breathe when they are acting out and one thing leads to another, then another and before you know it you are deep under water.

With the distance came a wonderful thing... . others began to give SD advice as a part of her living arrangement and she was hearing the same things from them (about how to get her life together) and because these messages were not coming from her Dad, she began to consider these things as truth instead of just being "lectures from Dad (and Thursday)"

It also gave us time to reset how we dealt with her. Validation and support began to come again from a place of love instead of a place of fear and anger.

Seems like so long as we (her Dad and me) were "in charge" we got the blame for her bad decisions. Once she was no longer under our roof she couldn't blame us and it gave a crack for the light to get in... . not to be cliché but this was very much the light of reality... . and SD didn't seem to be able to deny her reality when she could no longer blame us for her issues.

So, I am hopeful that this new living situation for your DD will be a good thing in the long run. Practice patience and see what happens. Meanwhile practice your validation skills on the world and be ready to deal with the next thing that comes around... . you know there WILL be a next thing... .

With my SD, the challenges have slowed down to a manageable pace and we are breathing again!

Thursday

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Muffetbuffet and Responders,

Thank you for sharing your stories here!  You and your BPD kids have all survived my worst nightmare, which somehow gives me hope.

I wrote in another post that my DD17 wants to move in with her BF22 across the country the week she turns 18... . in October.  I know she's not developmentally ready to do this. She just got her first job 3 weeks ago, and they already let her go.  They told her, "It's nothing personal.  We just feel this job [dishwashing & bussing tables] is too strenuous for you."  (Which it was.) 

Her BF is very young for his age and not ready either.  All his friends are around my DD's age.  He had a good job and a car when they met, but he was living with his dad, who kicked him out a couple of months after my DD started dating him.  So, he had to get his own apartment and the downward spiral began because he couldn't afford to live on his own.  Then, his car died and got repossessed, THEN he lost his job.  And his driver's license was a week from being suspended for a speeding ticket he didn't pay.  We were relieved when he moved back with his mother across the country.  He would have been on the street here.

DH and I are keeping our cool about our DD wanting to move in with BF, as we know resistance on our part will only drive her there with more resolve.  But it is still scary.  She and her BF talk several times a day.  He is very possessive and controlling, and he gets very upset whenever DD goes out with friends.  I hear them fighting over the phone all the time, so we're praying that she'll eventually break up with him.  I fear if she DOES make the move, she may drive him to become violent, which would ruin both their lives.  BF is a nice, polite young man, but he has lots of anger & personal issues to deal with before he'll be ready to take on someone else... . let alone someone with BPD.

Each of your stories have shown me that, painful as it is to let go, sometimes the world of hard knocks is a better teacher than we could ever be.  (As long as they survive the process.) I feel grief and disappointment that my DD's life is turning out nothing like we'd planned.  It's as if the more we do to set up our kids for success, the harder they fail. And it hurts so much to be blamed for their problems and never acknowledged for our support.

But I see we're not alone, which is so helpful!

[muffetbuffet]

Thankfully none of us are alone with the support here!  Yes, letting DD go was heartbreaking.  I have cried over her leaving, but also realize that it may have been the best thing for her.  We have had another round of drama at teh boyfriend's home and the family threatened to send her back to us.  We are ok with that as that was the plan when we visited with her two weeks ago.  If she could not make it there, she would be shipped back home.  At this point, I think she wants to live with the boyfriend enough that she is keeping herself together so that she can stay put.  I continue to field phone calls and text messages on a daily basis.  Ironically, when things blew up this week, she called me to vent.  Felt quite different to be the one she was calling to "help her through" the difficult time instead of being the target of her anger.  She listened to my suggestions and even followed through on a few of them She would have NEVER done that here at home.  So we continue one day at a time and continue to pray that she is safe and also pray for the family that has opened their home to take in our DD. 

Best wishes to everyone for a safe and happy 4th of July. 

[Rapt Reader]

I have cried over her leaving, but also realize that it may have been the best thing for her... .

Ironically, when things blew up this week, she called me to vent.  Felt quite different to be the one she was calling to "help her through" the difficult time instead of being the target of her anger.  She listened to my suggestions and even followed through on a few of them She would have NEVER done that here at home.  So we continue one day at a time and continue to pray that she is safe and also pray for the family that has opened their home to take in our DD. 

It does sound like this may have been a turning point for her, or at least a very good learning experience, even if she ends up coming back home. Sometimes "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" as the song says 

One day at a time is perfect (sometimes in my son's dark days, it was one minute at a time for me, in order to just survive with my sanity intact), and prayers are good, too. For her and the family that is dealing with her right now. I wish only the best for all of you, muffetbuffet 

[jellibeans]

muffet

Does her bf family know about her disorder? Do they kow how to communicate with her etc? I am just wondering if they have any of the skills to interact with your dd. I do think she misses home and I think they all kind of realize that once they leave. So self absorbed they didn't know how good they had it. Your dd is learning some valuable life lessons right now... .I hope she is able to really get along and learn from this experience. Her bf's family seem very kind to want to help her. I hope they knew what they were in for... .keep us posted...

[muffetbuffet]

Thanks!  Boyfriend's family knows very little of DD's mental heath history.  We tried to discuss it when we were visiting a few weeks ago, but DD got agitated.  Insists that she has ADHD and nothing more.  Made the decision to shut my mouth and just not say anymore about the situation.  DD seems to think all she needs to know right now.  Until she is willing to take some ownership of her mental health concerns, things are not going to change with her. 

[chooselove]

I'm struck by the consistency of all of our stories... .how we do, do and do for these "kids" while they fire back about how much they hate us and wish we were not in their lives.   My BPD is almost 40 and the theme has been this way all along for decades.  She alienated everyone else in the family but good old mom and dad stood by her through it all,   always forgiving, always generous, always taking a load of crap when reasonable and gentle boundaries were put in place.  We are ALL like this!  Imperfect but loving parents who lose sleep, money and peace worrying and caring and learning about and give, give, give till we are blue in the face and have empty wallets.

So, our BPDd finally moves out, gets a job and is living elsewhere.  She is respectful of her new landlord and paying her way (something she never did here, despite our many attempts. It always caused a big fat "no mother would ever make her child contribute to the house expenses" rage).   Sometimes I think maybe we are a bunch of guilty saps and these "kids" have our number, .    When BPDd comes by it is not to visit, it is to see if we will give her things for her new household, a bed, chair, dishes.  We say yes to two things and no to a third and the four letter name calling begins.  I love our kid, I miss her and I want the very best for her.  But I still have guilt only this time it's about feeling guilty at how wonderfully peaceful it is to have her living productively ELSEWHERE.  I can actually have friends over now and not listen afterwards to a berating lecture about how I have everybody fooled into thinking I'm a nice person when I'm really this evil daughter-bashing monster. 

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Muffetbuffet,

It just amazes me that she is 15+ hours away from home in a town that she has only visited once and she was able to find somewhere to live on a moment's notice.  She has been living with boyfriend and his family for two weeks now (has known him for almost a month) and dd proclaims that they are now engaged.  DD is 17 and boyfriend is 20.  

Are you sure you're not talking about MY DD?  Their stories are very similar.  My DD17 is "engaged" to her BF21 of 6 months, who just moved halfway across the country to live with his mother because he lost his car, his job, and nearly lost his apartment all in the same month. So, he really had no choice.  Supposedly, his mother has welcomed our DD---whom she's never met---to come live with them.  So, DD is planning to move the very week she turns 18 in October. 

DH and I have told her if she wants our blessing and some financial $upport (like her car, car insurance, and medical), she needs to continue DBT therapy, find a job, and continue with her education.  Naturally, she knows best for her life.  She says BF's family will help her with all that and she doesn't need our support anymore. (Aren't they the lucky ones?)  DD has decided she doesn't need therapy anymore, and won't be registering for school since she's moving, and she'll just get a job when she moves there.  -sigh-  It's going to be a loong summer.

I agree with you Muffet, that until our DDs are willing to take ownership of their mental health, nothing will change.  It's so hard to stay calm and let it happen before my eyes.  And it really hurts.  I hope your DD continues to be happy and that you are enjoying the peaceful break.

[madmom]

Healing Spirit---I can see what a worry it is that your daughter is planning on moving, not finishing school etc.  I am wondering if you can get her to get her GED done this summer/early fall before she moves away.  At least that would be one less worry for you.  Best wishes.