Newlywed w/ husband diagnosed (please read)

[JennaLindsey]

Hi,

I had originally posted this message in the Welcome forum, but I just realized this was a smarter place to do it. I apologize for there being two copies of it! -Jenna

It was extremely hard for me to join a support group for this illness, because facing the fact that it was now part of our marriage has been hard for me. My husband didn't tell me about his illness when we met, though he did show signs of it. I knew something wasn't right, but I ignored it. I loved him. I didn't want to judge. I didn't want to assume, and I felt guilty allowing myself to consider that he (the man I loved) may have been mentally ill.

We were long-distance for awhile, so the signs he would show online/phone seemed like a cause for concern---yet, he would convince me that he was "okay" and then explain why he reacted in such a way, and then I would tell myself that he was justified and I wasn't being supportive and was being selfish, insensitive, etc. Basically, I wanted to ignore and be in denial that the person I loved might be ill. I know this may sound silly, and some people might think bad of me for admitting this... . but I want to at least start out in this community being honest.

Once we moved in together and got married, I was able to see that my gut feelings of him being affected by this disease were correct all along. Being in a marriage (life long commitment) with someone with this disease is tough, but adding another layer to my distress is the story of my mother who too was affected by this disease. My mother had this disease as well, and growing up it caused her to be very abusive, hurtful, mean, and other things to my entire family (namely, myself the youngest).

I stayed supporting my mother and taking care of both her, and my physically disabled father until I met my husband. When I met my husband I believed that I would finally go off and live a "normal" life with someone not affected by this disease---so, now to find out that my husband has it as well is devastating. I know what things were like (and still are like) with my mom, so to know that in the future my husband may get worse (or even stay the way he's been) feels like such a blow and loss to my dreams for us.

My dream of finally not having to put myself aside to attend to a mental illness of a loved one has been crushed. My dreams, goals, and hopes for our marriage have all been affected. His angry outbursts when I express ANY type of displeasure in something he's done, has left me feeling like I have to be a phony around. Pretending as if everything is done is "fine", I'm "fine", and we're "fine" no matter what. If he senses even the slightest bit of unhappiness in me, he fills with anger, depression, and thoughts of being cruel to himself.

I feel like a china doll. My make up painted on pretty, sitting with a polite gentle smile, comforting him when he is upset, telling him everything is okay, and that I am not hurt or angry (even when I am).

I feel such loss finding out my husband is affected with the same illness I thought I would live a new life free of. I feel selfish, sad, guilty, and even a little resentful toward myself for not having seen these signs sooner.

Add to all of this that I myself am in recovery for an eating disorder, so I am being filled with stress from my marriage at a time when I myself am fragile and really would like to be cared for and allowed to express all of my feelings.

I decided a forum was a smart start, so that I am not shutting down without any outside interaction with others about this secret in our marriage. I talked with him about getting him once he had ridden out this episode, and he has politely refused too. I think its manageable (possibly) even if he doesn't, because his main trigger is when I express any sort of displeasure or negative emotion about something he's done. My plan to keep my needs to myself, and try to get them filled in healthy ways may be silly---I'm not sure really. I just know that I love him, and there is no way he will be able to there for me in the way I expected when he's already dealing with his own mental illness.

I've been crying about it secretly while he sleeps. Its such a loss to accept that my knight in shining armor, needs me to be there for him at a time when I believed he was coming to rescue me.

Thanks for reading all this, and all replies welcome!

Jenna

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[Stalwart]

Jenna:

I'm sorry to hear your story. Like you I started a long distance relationship with my wife (now ten years) and overlooked so many signs. I guess there's reasons why so many of us here do that. There are also reasons why so many of us here stay instead of just leaving. I suppose recognizing some of them is also important about ourselves. Like you, my mother was also affected by this. I can tell you though that I really didn't understand it all, nor did she have a name put to it in her time. Neither did my wife until just over a year ago. Knowing is everything. Learning more is everything else.

I wish things were different for you and I hope you are able to come to living terms with your decision. It's good you came here though. There are a lot of helpful people. Best of all there is a lot of advice and learning tools. All said, they've all helped tremendously for me to better understand. Please stay in touch with people here, it does take up some time but it's time well spent. Keeping it all to youself is a terrible burden.

You keep in touch and make certain that you do take time to care for you. 

[yeeter]

Welcome Jenna, you have found a great resource for advise and support.  Its been a lifeline for me since coming here.

I can offer a couple thoughts:  First, its normal that you go through a grieving phase, so allow yourself this natural evolution.  From denial, to anger to acceptance and moving forward - no doubt you arent in the ideal situation you dreamed it would be, so at this stage best to get to the phase of accepting the reality for what it is so you can make good decisions for yourself moving forward.

Then.  Take care of yourself.  First and foremost, with a high sense of priority.  This means eating right and exercising.  Maintaining friendships.  Hobbies, interests, and getting good sleep.  Keep your close friends and family at hand, and find a good T for yourself.  This will all take a little time and effort, but by taking care of yourself you will be in a better position to manage the relationship.

Post and let the group here know how its going and your day to day struggles, a most helpful bunch.

 

[HopefulDad]

Hi Jenna, I'm sorry to hear about your newlywed realizations.  You do have a silver lining, though: You at least know about this early on and have found resources to help you.  I wish I had this over a decade ago.

I don't know what the future holds for you and I don't know if you are looking for advice or not, so I just want to throw out one little piece: While you struggle with how to address your relationship moving forward, try to postpone having children.  You will love your children more than anyone in the world, but they require a lot of attention and selflessness which in itself can be a challenge, but add BPD to the mix and you might end up biting off more than you can chew.  At least for now.

Take care of yourself first and foremost in this difficult time.

[an0ught]

Hi Jenna,

It was extremely hard for me to join a support group for this illness, because facing the fact that it was now part of our marriage has been hard for me. My husband didn't tell me about his illness when we met, though he did show signs of it. I knew something wasn't right, but I ignored it. I loved him. I didn't want to judge. I didn't want to assume, and I felt guilty allowing myself to consider that he (the man I loved) may have been mentally ill.

We were long-distance for awhile, so the signs he would show online/phone seemed like a cause for concern---yet, he would convince me that he was "okay" and then explain why he reacted in such a way, and then I would tell myself that he was justified and I wasn't being supportive and was being selfish, insensitive, etc. Basically, I wanted to ignore and be in denial that the person I loved might be ill. I know this may sound silly, and some people might think bad of me for admitting this... . but I want to at least start out in this community being honest.

Once we moved in together and got married, I was able to see that my gut feelings of him being affected by this disease were correct all along. Being in a marriage (life long commitment) with someone with this disease is tough, but adding another layer to my distress is the story of my mother who too was affected by this disease. My mother had this disease as well, and growing up it caused her to be very abusive, hurtful, mean, and other things to my entire family (namely, myself the youngest).

Welcome in the club   A long distance relationship can help with maintaining a minimum set of boundaries and those are then helping the pwBPD to regulate emotions. In some sense there is less illness to see so don't beat yourself up. It is unfortunately not unusual at all that children of pwBPD end up with partners suffering from BPD. I suspect they are less sensitive to invalidation and more used to extreme emotions. Maybe what is causing problems now was attracting in the past  .

What  is a bit unusual is that you wash up on our shores having realized this to such an extent. That is a good starting point 

I feel like a china doll. My make up painted on pretty, sitting with a polite gentle smile, comforting him when he is upset, telling him everything is okay, and that I am not hurt or angry (even when I am).

Two points

1) We are only a sick as our secretes. Joining us here and writing will help you.

2) Please review the material on validation in the LESSONS and workshops. Telling him that everything is ok when it is not (and he knows it) and you are not hurt when you are (and he senses that you are not truthful) is invalidating. It is very important to get a handle on how to validate negative emotions - it is not so natural and there is a cultural bias to get it wrong. We can't afford that - avoiding invalidation is the easiest way to improve the situation somewhat.

Add to all of this that I myself am in recovery for an eating disorder, so I am being filled with stress from my marriage at a time when I myself am fragile and really would like to be cared for and allowed to express all of my feelings.

Unhealthy coping is not unusual. Don't beat yourself up too much - there is enough black and white in your relationship without you adding more. Over time once you got enough boundaries in place it will be easier for you relax and feel safer again  .

I decided a forum was a smart start, so that I am not shutting down without any outside interaction with others about this secret in our marriage. I talked with him about getting him once he had ridden out this episode, and he has politely refused too. I think its manageable (possibly) even if he doesn't, because his main trigger is when I express any sort of displeasure or negative emotion about something he's done. My plan to keep my needs to myself, and try to get them filled in healthy ways may be silly---I'm not sure really. I just know that I love him, and there is no way he will be able to there for me in the way I expected when he's already dealing with his own mental illness.

Don't chase triggers and avoid them per se. Avoiding invalidation (also often a trigger) is important but it is also important to keep the relationship grounding in practical realities and provide accurate and sometimes painful feedback. Doing this in the least upsetting and respectful way requires learning SET which itself builds on validation.

[Stalwart]

Lots of great advise Jeanna.

The people here have been through so much in their lives that they can actually be a blessing in yours.

Some great statements here I'm particular to you're only as sick as your secrets. 

Jeanna I know you've heard a lot about the stigma and had your own experiences with your mother but that doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't hope in your relationship.

As one person said it's a blessing that you found out so early, so many of us lived years in mental turmoil trying to make changes, trying to understand and struggling with our spouses and ourselfs out of ignorance of this illness.

There are success stories. I can honestly say I've gone from a destined hell to a really good life with my wife now that we both know what affects our relationship and we both want better for it. We both work at making our lives better (for the better and the worse.) It's all about want - and what you both can agree you want out of life together. I honestly believe no one wants a bad life together, it's all about having your partner trust you and there are no better ways to do that than to practice the tools and lessons here. Yup, it's a lot of learning, trial and error but believe me there really is hope, if hope is what you want.

Remember it's about love, easy love stories only exist in fairy tales and only because they don't tell what 'living happily ever after' really involves. You stay strong and take care of yourself and try to look at the good in what you've found out. There is always good, you just have to look closely enough for it through the fears and trials.

Stay in touch with people. 

[JennaLindsey]

Thank you all so much for the support!  I was so scared to express my true feeling on the board, and it means *so* much to me that everyone here was understanding and supportive toward me at such an emotional time in my life. I spent time reading every single post here, and I really took in all of the advice, suggestions, and experiences that you all shared. It means so much to me to feel accepted, and that I am not alone with my feelings and struggles.

I had noticed in articles and on the forum people emphasized the importance of truly enjoying the good times together, and using the good times to help restore yourselves before any future issues arise again with a spouses BPD. I took on that advice, and it's helped immensely! I have been spending time with my husband enjoying his company, and stepping away from my negative feelings about his illness to realize that he is so much more than his BPD. I've allowed myself to laugh at his jokes, delight in his intellect during conversations over coffee, cook together, and just enjoy our hobbies that we share as a couple.

He had expressed to me that so much goes on in his head that sometimes he needs time to regroup from it all, especially his emotions and feelings. I told him that I understood, and I truly am learning to now. I used to feel like he was being insensitive to my needs for togetherness when he would zone out in front of the tv for awhile, but now I realize he needs that time to help regulate his moods and process his feelings.

I got proactive about helping him cope with his BPD by truly listening to his needs without sacrificing my own. I would say the keywords that describe what I have been practicing with him is: calmness, sensitivity, compassion, affirmation, and compromise.

I was scared to discuss his episode with him after he had calmed the following day and was himself again, but I told myself to be brave and calmly (and carefully) selected positive words that expressed my hopes for his future in a non-threatening way. I told him that what he had done (his outbrust, etc) was "not okay", but that I understood how things much have been for him to react in that way. I went on to say that I understood if he was unable to control his reactions like that again, but that to keep in mind though I would support him I wanted him to do his best (so that if it happened, he could truly say he did his best).

I think that in some cases, people dealing with BPD were in relationships or families where their condition was accepted in an unhealthy way. I say this because in his family, his condition was "ignored". Whenever he would have an episode, no one would even talk to him or comfort him---they just walked away leaving him to work it out on his own. This has caused him as an adult to act childish, in a way where he expects a certain attention from me that he was used to getting when he reacted that way. What I let him know is that I lovingly and respectfully was on to him, and that I wanted (and expected) him to do his absolute best. I explained to him that I knew he loved me, and that I was confident he would work on handling his episodes.

I explained that I didn't expect him to cure himself, not have BPD, or act like everything was "easy" for him when it wasn't. However, I let him know that if he wasn't doing his best, then all of the sensitivity and encouragement I was offering would not be an appropriate reaction (in other words, I told him he wasn't allowed to manipulate me for attention). I was loving, firm, honest, and basically was letting him know that I respected him too much to pretend that he wasn't capable of doing better than he has been.

When I finished, I nervously searched his face for his reaction. To my surprise, he seemed impressed that I had been brave and firm enough to lay down some rules of communication. He seemed happy to have a new challenge to work toward (doing his best everyday), and he seemed calmer and more trusting in my love for him.

I told him I would always love and support him, but that I would also always been honest with him. I said out of love and honesty, and out of respect for his love toward me I was honestly saying that he needed to do his best. I affirmed that if he did his best, and it ended up not being improved that I would still be proud of him for the fact her tried.

Since then I have relaxed myself around him. Enjoying having fun, talking, and just being a couple. The hardest thing for me has been accepting his illness is part of our marriage, but as I worked on that I was able to find little tweaks to make things easier for us both. Like I give him time to think, while I go do my chores and housework. Then we have time together, and truly just stay in the moment together enjoying it.

Thanks for reading!

Jenna

[yeeter]

 

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Keep posting Jenna, and let us know how its going!