overwhelmed

[tristesse]

I just need to vent my frustration.

I have Diagnosed BPD daughter, 30 years old and she lives in my home. She has been out of the house on 4 separate occasions, however she ends up back home everytime.  This is not an issue, because many non BPD children end up back home with their parents.

My problem is that she is 30 and has a 5 year old son and refuses to try and become independent or self sufficient. She has had the rages and the melt downs over the years, way to numerous to even count.

She has had violent out bursts( yes I have had her arrested and pressed charges ) and has engaged in self harming activities. I have had a knife held at my throat, been pulled down the stairs by my hair, she has spit in may face, pushed me and punched me.

Every single thing wrong in her life gets blamed on me because she tells me regularly I am a horrible mother, and a horrible person.

I have taken her abuse for so many years that it is almost normal to me. I do not engage her in arguments, but it is hard not to react when somebody is screaming obscene things in your face and poking you or pushing you. I have tried to walk away, but that is usually unsuccessful, I have tried silence, but that just makes her more angry, because I am ignoring her. I have tried acknowledging and validating her feelings, but then she accuses me of being condescending and sarcastic, If I walk away she follows me screaming.

I also worry about the 5 year old son, she contradicts herself parenting on a daily basis , and this poor little guy doesn't have any idea what is acceptable and what is not. she will encourage him to be mean and act inappropriately when she is in an episodic state, but when she is fine, she corrects him for doing those same things. How is this child supposed to understand?

I have read books and literature on the subject of BPD most notable was Stop Walking on eggshells and I HATE YOU, don't leave me. We have been in therapy together in the past, and she has also gone alone in the past, the problem is that will not continue to go and will accept responsibility for her own actions.

I do want to point out that she is quite remorseful after a rage, and her self loathing at that point is an unbearable thing to witness, and she can be the nicest sweetest person too. I want to point out that she can even be quite loving and funny times, however in frequent those times may be.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear bpetersen514

Have you thought about helping her find her own place? Maybe it would be best if she was on her own... .

Is your dd on any medication? I know there is not magic pill out there but myy dd has been helped with medication. It has helped with the raging and violent outbrusts.

Maybe make it a requirement that she attend counseling with you as part of being allowed to live at home?

It does sound like at times you are not safe and that does concern me. My dd has a habit of following me around and badgering me until she hears the answer she wants... . I have a lock on my bedroom door and I simply lock her out. I have also gotten in the car and went for a drive to get away from her. That seems to defuse her a bit and the emotions can die down a bit.

I am sorry you are struggling so with your dd... . hang in there

[tristesse]

she is on an anti-depressant and has been for several years, all other combination of meds has been unsuccessful.  We have discussed her getting her own place, however, she is no way self sufficient. She has not had a job in almost 2 years, and has sever panic attacks, to the point of passing out. So she has no way to pay rent and I am in no position financially to afford a place for her and keep my own.

She does follow me around and will harass and badger me as well, I have locked her out of my room before and her answer to that was to kick the door in.

My concern is more for the mental and emotional well being of her son, How do I make her understand the damage she is doing? He doesn't understand why she gets so mad. He doesn't know why she scolds him for being mean and hitting or hurting people, then when she is in a rage, she tells him top do those things to people. She tells him that we, my husband and I, hate him, or that we are mean to him and her, and it is very sad to see the look on his little face when she does that. I always reassure him that we love him very much, but his mommy has already planted those ugly seeds of doubt.

I have recently learned to be very firm with her, I had an incident the other night where she just wouldn't let me alone, after about an hour and a half of going in circles, validating her feelings over and over again, I just very firmly told her that I am going to bed, I refuse to allow you to control my life any longer, she made threats of what would happen if I walked away, and I told her to do her worst, I was still going to bed and whatever she did was her problem. She did not follow me to the bedroom, but sent 10 text messages from the family room to me in the bedroom. I did not even look at the messages, but instead deleted them.

I know this sounds simple, and ridiculous, but as another parent of a BPD, you get it.

I feel better just being able to tell other people that understand it.

[jellibeans]

Dear bpetersen514

Is there a way to help her become more independent even though she lives with you? What responsibilities can she take on in the household? What does she do all day with her time?

I am glad you were able to go to bed and she respected that to some degree by not following you... . my dd would have crawled into bed and kept right on going... . I totally get the challenges you are up against and having your gs involved does make things worse. I would be concerned too. Do you get to spend time alone with your gs? Maybe use that time to model good behavior and reassure him you love him etc... .

Do you think she would consider seeing a T? ARe you prepared to make it a requirement to staying with you?

[Being Mindful]

Hey BP!

I would encourage you to learn about value based boundaries. Click on the links on the right side of the screen to learn about them. Once I established my boundaries, I was able to effectively use validation and then keep adding on skills.

[tristesse]

Hi jellibeans and Mindful.

I have started reading the links over on the rights side of this board, there is a lot of information there, a lot to absorb, but hopefully it will be useful. I am not at this particular time prepared to make T a condition of staying in the home, I am trying to give her a moment to get it together. It has only been a month since she was moved back, and she is trying to recover the break up from her abuser. I am hoping she comes to the realization all by herself, that needs help again. I also believe she needs to find somebody that knows this disorder.

One thing I think is key here, that I had forgotten in my earlier post, was that she had been taking Adderall with her paxil, and while on both of those meds, she was almost "normal", she ran out of the Adderall and the physician she went to here, ( she has relocated back to my home,) said that she would not give her a prescription for the Adderall because she believes it was mis -prescribed to begin with. Maybe if we can get her to dr. that will actually listen and giver her the Adderall, she may feel better and realize she needs to get the help.

[jellibeans]

bpetersen514

She will need a P to prescribe the adderall? right? That might help her focus on what she needs to do. Her mind might be racing all the time and she can't focus on one thing at a time. If she see a P that might be the time to suggest a T... . especially since she is coming out of an abusive relationship.

Take your time with the reading but do try to get through it... . those tools are so helpful and even if you try them just some of the time... . it will get more natural the more you use them... .

[tristesse]

I appreciate the in put, I feel like there is hope for  the first time ever. I also feel understood, so thank you for the advice and the information, but mostly for the listening.

[jellibeans]

I am so glad you are feeling better... . when I first found this site I was in such crisis... . my dd was just falling apart... . it the ER monthy... . my friends just didn't understand... . they didn't know how to help... and often gave terrible advise because they just didn't understand this illness. Coming here really gave me skills... . skills that I could use and that helped me greatly... . I am glad you found this site... . we understand and we are here for you... . and really that is what we all need.