Suggestions?

[hurthusband]

ok, question on how to handle this situation...

As I have mentioned, my wife wants some studio space to work on her art and start working.  She is worn out from cleaning and feels horrible that she went and spent money on a degree to only do the same thing she was doing before. 

I can completely understand that and sounds reasonable.  She does work with clay which I do know is very dependent on temperature and moisture in air...   We originally when she went to school planning on using the garage as a studio for her, but learned during college that the moisture and temperature in the garage just would not work because 20 degrees in winter is too cold and 110 in summer is too hot (yay Texas).

The result was our whole house being covered in clay items before they were bisqued so they did not get messed up.

She wants some art space and is making $2k a month on cleaning and will use her own money, our debt is high, but I believe art space would be a solid investment as does she.  I do work one of my jobs with my mother in the rental business.  She owns about 250 peices of property around Fort Worth, and several studio efficiencies.  One is literally in the same building as I work and even though its low income/low price area, it is safe at this location.  It is perfect because it is small, only $585 per month all bills paid, and honestly, if things get bad with my wife, I could use it as a retreat from her.

I know my mother and wife have had difficulties and my mother does worry about the stress my debt is putting on me.  Now, I would have no problem paying for the place, my cash flow is still fine.  My debt is due to medical bills primarily and not reoccuring. 

I asked my mother about the place, and she basically said no that she should can work out of my garage that her artist friends did and I would use money on debt.  I would easily qualify under our own terms of the company and really there is no reason other than personal to not rent me the place.  I can understand if my mother is fearful of this spot since it means wife could harrass me during business hours and disrupt her business but we have tons of other properties.

Of course, it is her decision, and I respect it.  I told my wife and she was deeply hurt, but understanding about it.  The problem is of course, she went to a friends house crying, and on way home had a car accident.  I know this is a ticking time bomb because

a. this is the cheapest alternative for art space there is at $585 a month all bills paid, and I know its safe.  she knows it too

b. she is taking it as a personal indictment on herself from my mother as my mother has it in for her personally.  I do not think it is vindictive, but I understand that really its none of my mothers business as long as I can pay for the place. 

I know this is going to blow up at some time.  Especially cause it seems i am not standing up for wife in this situation by still working with mom.

A mature response would be something along the lines of "i disagree with your mother's assessment.  I do not think she really had any idea how my art works and not so sure its fair for her to judge, but it is her choice.  I do not hold you responsible in any way and I understand it is better for you to stay working there regardless"

we are talking about a BPD though...

how should I handle this?  SET can keep things calm for a bit on surface, but its not removing her anger over it which is there.  Next thing that goes wrong will set things off.  It blew up briefly after car accident when she had hit her head and was disoriented.

Is there really anything I can do to head things off and get things calm and smooth or is only option to steel myself and realize its not under my control

[hurthusband]

she is getting mad at me over this thing with my mother...

I am telling her that I understand it upsets her, and it is important to her and so it is to me.  That I do not agree with my mother's take, but arguing it will get us nowhere.  That we just can be civil and find another avenue.

It is not working though... degrading into, we will never work, and you need to stop working with her... we not going there for mothers day. she is selfish and crazy...

[waverider]

To be honest mixing business with extended family is risky even in functional relationships. it is a recipe for triangulation and all sorts of clashes. if there is already standing issues between them it is bound to go pear shaped.

I would try to take it away from your mum vs daughter and more into the general area of  your wife's business is better if it is independent of family patronage, so that no one can tell her what she can or can't do. pwBPD have a fear of being controlled and being a tenent of your mum will give a perception of your mum having a hold over her, which is something she probably not be happy with in the long run. In otherwize try yto sell her the benefits of independence

[ziniztar]

pwBPD have a fear of being controlled

That is new to me, where does it come from?

I recognize it of course but I'm wondering why.

[hurthusband]

To be honest mixing business with extended family is risky even in functional relationships. it is a recipe for triangulation and all sorts of clashes. if there is already standing issues between them it is bound to go pear shaped.

I would try to take it away from your mum vs daughter and more into the general area of  your wife's business is better if it is independent of family patronage, so that no one can tell her what she can or can't do. pwBPD have a fear of being controlled and being a tenent of your mum will give a perception of your mum having a hold over her, which is something she probably not be happy with in the long run. In otherwize try yto sell her the benefits of independence

yea the control thing I notice totally.  I was thinking the exact same thing.  She always says "because you do work with your mother, she has more control over our lives which I do not like" but then is saying "i am angry at your mother for not letting me have a space to do my art"

I tried to explain that if you want my mother less in our lives, leasing space from her is not the answer!  She was just mad... go figure.  My mother I think did not want to lease her the space because she knows how volatile things can be and did not want to contribute or get more involved in it which I can respect

I think I did handle a situation with this well though... well better.

Last night she went to a business party at one of her cleaning clients and they had a large space at thieir offices they offered her if she would clean some... Basically she ended up trading $400 in cleaning for a space that is larger than what she would have gotten with my mother's property and at $400, about 33% cheaper.  You would think she would be thrilled, and she was, but sure enough at 1:30 am, she suddenly went on a tyrade over my mother and me not standing up to her and I guess getting mad at my mother for not leasing her the space.

She was cursing, and keeping on me and how I was coward, etc.  How I let people off too easily, etc etc.  I did not insult her, I tried validating her, I did let her know that these same traits she is upset with me about are ones she loves in me when it comes to her (ie, forgiveness and not getting angry). 

Finally, as she was yelling, I just calmly got some stuff, walked out the door, explained that I understand she is upset, and it has to feel bad having something you want so much not go how you want it to, and that I am willing to still help her attain what she wants.  At same time, I am a human, and I do not deserve to be talked to like that and that I was going to leave which is exactly what I did

She of course, starting in texting that we are over and she wants me to move out.  Instead of biting, I told her I understand and if she wants to seperate and feels that is better for her, I understand and will work with her to achieve that end peacefully.

This morning, I came back, took kid to school, got bashed a little more and left for work.  She then called apologizing, saying she was upset... . etc etc...   I did not shove it back in her face, but let her know that I think her getting her own space on her own should make her feel good.  It should also alleviate one of the complaints she has that she is reliable on me and that I view her as a dependent. 

It felt crappy, and I only slept an hour last night, but no major damage outside of that done.

Between the board and me, I do view her as a dependent, but a dependent by choice.

BPDs seem to be capable of doing anything pretty much, but they are so scared of screwing up or being judged that they basically try and force us SOs to handle everything for them which in turn makes them resent us and think we are controlling them instead of seeing that we are forced into a parental role by them, and it is not something we want.

[Cloudy Days]

BPDs seem to be capable of doing anything pretty much, but they are so scared of screwing up or being judged that they basically try and force us SOs to handle everything for them which in turn makes them resent us and think we are controlling them instead of seeing that we are forced into a parental role by them, and it is not something we want.

I don't think you could have said this any better. This makes so much sense. The amount of things I take care of for my husband because he asks me to do them are ridiculous. There has been so many times that I have basically said no, why don't you try and do it yourself. It always blows up, I think he does this on purpose though because he didn't really want to do it in the first place. I feel that he sabotages things just so I will keep doing them for him. He doesn't want to be responsible for something if it screws up, this way he can have a scapegoat if it doesn't work the way he wants it to. Which makes me very resentful a lot of the time. 

[waverider]

My partners best example of this is with her own mother. She calls her everyday bending her ear for advice. Of course her mum (who is the practical sort, not empathetic type) states do XYZ. My partner then gets upset to me telling me her mum is always trying to control her and telling her what to do and is a control freak. Next day she is on the phone again asking advice.

If I tell her not to phone her mum, then I am the one accused of controlling her and telling her what to do. Which she tells her Mum. This all starts off heading into the realm of triangulation pitting myself and her mum against each other.

It comes down I think to an unwillingness to take responsibility for their own problems and wanting someone else to take it. Then their defensive nature kicks in as they relate someone doing things for them making them reliant, and hence vulnerable, so they fear control and criticism.

Its all part of the push/pull part of BPD. You can point out the inconsistency of it all, but it makes no difference. Stay out of the dynamics, and try to avoid encouraging them being dependent on anyone, as it is a push back waiting to happen

[hurthusband]

Yea, I keep telling her she should be proud that she handled it all and is getting what she need and is independent.  She keeps saying that I do not support her and I should have been harsher on mother over renting space

My mother on the other hand is scared to get involved with renting a space to my wife cause if anything goes wrong, it blows up in her face or in mine.  My mother knows that my wife has it in for her.  My wife does.  My wife things my mom is the greatest woman and a demon at the same time. 

Personaly, I view it at... mom didnt want to rent you a space... I am sure its cause she is worried about our debt and the stress im under on it when we have a home to work out of and the fact that anytime my mother helps us, my wife gets pissed at us both.  I do not blame my mother.  I wish she had gone about it differently, but it should not be the end of the world.

Wife is then, I didnt get mad for her and I still work here.  At same time, its mega money.  Its not like we have involvement outside of work.  Wife is pissed at me cause she does not feel loved or that she is important in my life

Well, my wife wrecked her car driving home at 2 am on Monday.  I got up cause I was watching kids while she was with friends, picked her up, started handling it all, took off work to handle it (mother let me off).  Wife has yelled at me cause the adjuster did not have answer fast enough and now that the vehicle is looking totalled and I am A CAR DEALER!  She does not want me to look for a vehicle or bring one in.  She wants to get what she wants, go to a dealership and just buy it retail and drive off the life "like a normal person" as she says it.

Insane... completely insane.  No mercy to me... says that I do not value you her when I am saving her ass all the time.  I am the sick one.  I need to leave and drop her where she is at.  She is ruthless

[waverider]

This is all neediness at work, and you can't satisfy neediness it is bottomless. It is an addicting to asking and blaming.

[tired-of-it-all]

It is very common for the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship to be difficult.  This is further complicated by BPD.  I don't blame your mother for not wanting to be this close.  I would avoid anything that forces the two of them together.  I would also avoid placing myself between them.  That is always a lose for you.

My mother and wife hate each other.  You couldn't pay me to put those two together.  That would make all three of us miserable and it would clearly be my fault.

I would look for another place and not mix the women in my life. I have found it best to never try to force solutions where emotions are involved.  Even when the solution seems logical to me.  Logic goes out the window in these relationships.

[hurthusband]

my wife who wrecked our car the other night is insisting on the next vehicle be a Lexus, Mercedes, BMW, or some other Luxury SUV.  I think this is out of our budget.  Especially since she is now starting a new career on her own with no income yet in it as its art.  If i draw a line i think it maybe the nail in coffin... so do i?

Also, should i tell her if she starts to curse at me and get mad at me that if she does not act civil, we are done, or will she be incapable of understanding that and in retaliation without thinking launch into me with her abusive behavior?

I am just at my breaking point.  I cannot take this anymore.  I am tired of giving all my phone upgrades to her cause she keeps breaking her iphones, i am tired of fixing her cars she keeps wrecking while i drive a 11 year old truck, i am tired of getting her expensive gifts constantly for her to be upset while i may get a pair of shoes a year, and i am tired of making 95% of the income and being told "would you please do something nice for me for once and get me a nice car"

[tired-of-it-all]

You have to set boundaries.  You have to decide what you are willing to accept.  If she leaves because you have set reasonable boundaries, THAT IS HER DECISION.  You did not make her leave.  You simply stated the fact that you cannot afford a luxury car.  That is a fact.  It is a reasonable thing to do.  Set your reasonable boundaries AND DON'T BACK UP.  Be prepared to follow through or you will continue to be abused.  Give yourself a little time to decide what your boundaries should be.  A few days should be enough.  Your wife is acting like a teenager.  You would not keep enabling a 16 year old if they wrecked cars and broke phones.  Doing this for your wife is bad for you AND IT IS BAD FOR HER.

[Grey Kitty]

I am just at my breaking point.  I cannot take this anymore.  I am tired of giving all my phone upgrades to her cause she keeps breaking her iphones, i am tired of fixing her cars she keeps wrecking while i drive a 11 year old truck, i am tired of getting her expensive gifts constantly for her to be upset while i may get a pair of shoes a year, and i am tired of making 95% of the income and being told "would you please do something nice for me for once and get me a nice car"

I'd be tired of it too. It bites.

However you *are* doing what she asks. You can't blame her for your own actions, even if she asked you to do it.

You cannot make her live in a world which has the financial realities you live in. If you believe her statements, and act on them as if they are fact, you will just go farther into that hole.

Believe your own reality. If she says the sky is yellow, recognize that you A) can't convince her otherwise, only making things worse when you try and B) won't help yourself if you believe it! All you need to convince her is of the actions you are or are not taking. Let her spin whatever "reasons" she wants to.

[waverider]

She say this

"would you please do something nice for me for once and get me a nice car"

because you have taught her it works.

How can you SHOW her it doesn't?

No point in telling her, as you have shown that telling her has no effect either.

You cant tell a pwBPD anything, you have to demonstrate it.

They are champion bluffers and they assume everyone else is too, as that is their normal.

[hurthusband]

Is it possible that I have allowed this to go on for so long and been such an enabler that the relationship has no turning back?

I have helped create this world of unreality for her and now is it right for me to just ditch her in it?

Can I ever expect to have her expectations realign with something reasonable with me with how I have set things up?

I feel complete disconnected from my body like I am on Xanax at this point.  Its like I am watching a crashing plane. 

I know what I have done wrong now, but is it even correctable?

[Foreverhopefull]

I personally try to keep family out of our decisions, what ever it is.

If I want it to blow up, I mix them up.

Try finding a space on your own, maybe a space in the house? or even share a space with another artist? Don't do it all for her either. If it falls apart, it's all on you again.

She has to take responsibility on this. You can support and guide her.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Is it possible that I have allowed this to go on for so long and been such an enabler that the relationship has no turning back?

Absolutely not. You can set and enforce your boundaries at anytime. It all comes down to free will and choice. YOU have control over both of those things.

You feel like you are out of it because you are exhausted and have been completely broken down. I know how it feels and it's terrible. The only way to make it better is to care for yourself more than you do for your wife.

Take an opportunity to take a stand over the car. Use SET to explain it to her and then walk away from the abuse. Do not let her control you with fear of her leaving. I find it unlikely that she will leave you. I was afraid of the same thing and was not able to improve my situation until I fully accepted that I could lose the relationship with my gf and her children.

I took a stand and guess what? She is still here! I have grown more confident everyday since and am no longer afraid. I stand up to her daily now about small things and she hasn't left yet. If she had left me, then I would still be fine. I would be doing my own thing now and moving on with my life.

What I am trying to point out is that no matter what happens, YOUR situation will be better. As long as you stand up for yourself do not engage in her games. Right now you are killing yourself for nothing. Both of you are miserable. You can change that. At least YOU can be happy. What she does is up to her. When you get better, she has a much better chance for improvement.

Are you ready for something better?

[Foreverhopefull]

It's going to take a while for her to understand that you had created a great world for her (I'm jealous... . LOL )

It's going to require allot of determination and for you to stand strong while she goes into her rants and tries to make you feel like you're the bad guy.

Sometimes we get ourselves into more trouble trying to keep the peace rather than make them face reality.

I often compare it to dealing with a 2 yold. When you say yes all the time, it does nothing but spoil them and as teenagers they ask for more than the latest doll/toy truck. If you say no once in a while or make them work for it, they learn that life isn't always what we want it to be and hard work can be a great accomplishment.

Stop giving everything to her, stop the gifts, stop giving her the new phones, cars , etc.

If I remember well, you have a big debt as a family, these things are not helping the debt and neither is she appreciating them as she should, so stop.

I once sat down with my dBPDh after he complained about not having the funds to by both new game consoles. I showed him his current income (long term disability that is less than 8 000$/year) versus his old salary 2000$/month (24 000$/year), then showed him that the fact that I changed office location at work is costing us over 1000$/month (taxes and all)... . we just can't afford it. If he wants them all so much, he had to find the funds that I was tapped out and credit cards where to feed us between pay checks... . not games.

[hurthusband]

Yea, that has been the hard part.  I keep doing breakdowns which I see and seem basic to me, but I am from a finance background.

She is an artist, and when I show them to her, I can see that she is not comprehending it.  I do not understand.  She is not stupid, but you would have to be stupid not to understand them in my eyes (not that I say that). 

The other thing is that when we talk finances this is what happens when she refers to her money

"i was nice enough to deposit $200 into the bank to help us last week so I should be able to get such and such"  The thing is, while she deposited $200 for the family, she kept $400 of it forherself to spend! 

I point out that I deposited ALL my money into the bank and that ALL my money is going to the family.  Basically, its like she has a mindset of ... money you make is our money, and money I make is my money

It literally is like dealing with my 12 year old.  The problem is that my 12 and 14 year old I can say "your grounded, no xbox, no nothing, no money for such and such"

With my wife... she is an adult and while parenting is a dictatorship, marriage isnt.  I mean, you can try and take control of the money, but they have to be willing to give up that control...

Basically, I have a wife that is incapable of rational reason.  I can set boundaries but when I am not there stuff can happen.  I have literally come home and found all the carpet in my home removed.  I have come home and found walls missing, and toilets gone.  Countless times I come home and find new pets.  All that stuff is free (she likes animal shelters) so even if I took up all the credit cards and played despot... she can still cause trouble

I certainly CAN do something about cars, and other major financial stuff and I need to, but then the yelling screaming, the affect it has on kids, its just a mess.  Healthcare is of course the biggest pain.  My wife was cursed with a beautiful set of straight teeth that unfortunately rot inside out like no other.  She can brush and floss 3 times a day every day and she will need a crown every year regardless.  I cannot tell you how many medications she has been prescribed that she has developed that allergic reaction that has a 1/1000 chance of getting that can prove fatal

The rational thing to do I know is to get out of dodge.  I am getting NOTHING out of this relationship.  I do not think there is much I can really do with her.  I just need to leave, but something about me mentally is ___ed up and I feel guilt

[hurthusband]

Yeah, I am feeling pretty numb about her right now...

So she wrecked her car last Tuesday morning at 2 am.  She is always mad cause I do things through my dealer network and body repairs may take a bit longer but save a ton.  So this time I just go through insurance, have it towed the largest and most known of the body shops (also most overpriced) and who my insurance provider says will be quickest.  They slow ball it and I do not get an estimate until yesterday.  I had called my insurance company asking whats taking so long.  My wife is PISSED.  She says things always get ___ed up when I handle them.  To which I say "I did this time just how you would and handled it your way".  I do not know how to make them move faster.  It looks like the vehicle is going to be totaled should have answer tomorrow but of course the vehicle was financed so lien release might be needed, documents signed, and it might be 2 weeks before we receive funds so we can get a new car.

She goes ape___ talking about how everyone else she knows got their car within 3 days.  I explain that the body shop did take too long, but its not people I deal with, and I did what I could.  She responds you should have been chewing them out, and threatening to go elsewhere.  I was trying to be calm about it because frankly, I did not have the time to handle any of this.  I had to cause she wrecked the car and put it in my lap to handle, but I had a TON of work this week

I am handling all of this and losing out of business... like I am supposed to be on a job site and she is yelling at me on the jobsite over the phone.  I lose it and tell her that I am handling everything and that I do not have time and its costing us money doing all of this.  She just wants her new car and go on.  There shouldnt be research...

I am numb now, not angry, or freaked out.  For first time, I was genuinely disgusted by the thought of her for about an hour.  Now, I just do not care.  If she wants to be nice, I do not know if I trust her.  If she wants to divorce, lets get it done.  I want someplace I can go home to and sleep and not worry and be scared.

Just a blog rant i guess

[SweetCharlotte]

How did she wreck her car?

Was DUI involved, or some other emotional issue?

Was she at fault or was the other driver?

She was not hurt at all, I hope.

[hurthusband]

How did she wreck her car?

Was DUI involved, or some other emotional issue?

Was she at fault or was the other driver?

She was not hurt at all, I hope.

at 2 am she was driving back from a friends house.  she had, had 2 beers she claimed over 4 hours.  She was emotional because while she had just gotten an art space for $200 cheaper a month than what she wanted from my mother, she was STILL pissed at my mother and blamed me.

Totally her fault.  She said she was heading home and a speaker I bought her she was listening to and when she turned the speaker fell towards the window that was open, she reached for it, jerked the wheel and ran into a brick wall.

She then called me upset.  She was embarrassed and worried I was mad, and I was totally supportive and not mad.  Told her it happens and lets get her to hospital.  She refused, then went on a tirade on how it was my fault.

She had a knot on her head, and totalled the car

[SweetCharlotte]

She was embarrassed and worried I was mad, and I was totally supportive and not mad.  Told her it happens and lets get her to hospital.  She refused, then went on a tirade on how it was my fault.

She had a knot on her head, and totalled the car

Wow, sounds like she was at least buzzed. We're supposed to double what they admit to drinking under these circumstances, and that's four drinks, definitely over the limit for a woman.

Her story is absurd and sounds calculated to draw you in as a culprit. She either drove it into the wall on purpose or had a DUI-induced accident. Either way, she doesn't sound competent to keep driving. Maybe you should be a little angry and not so supportive. An ambulance should have been called for her; with a knot in her head there's a good chance she had a concussion. Then she would have been breathalyzed and perhaps arrested, so think about whether you have become involved in covering up for her.

My uBPDh doesn't drive, which is a relief. I don't know how I would handle it if I began to see evidence that his BPD issues were making him a dangerous driver. I guess my number one would be not to ride with him and not to let the kids ride with him, and call authorities if he seemed to be heading out DUI. And definitely call an ambulance to the scene of any accident in which he was involved.

[tired-of-it-all]

If she is driving drunk, the best thing that can happen to her is if she gets arrested.  That forces her into intense treatment.  It also documents the issues that you are dealing with.  It gives you a leg up in court if it goes that direction.  It may also be a wake up call for her.  Many people think it is the end of the world for a loved one to be arrested.  Many, many times it is the best thing that can happen.

[waverider]

She then called me upset.  She was embarrassed and worried I was mad, and I was totally supportive and not mad.  Told her it happens and lets get her to hospital.  She refused, then went on a tirade on how it was my fault.

pwBPD dont do nobody's fault, it is not conclusive enough. By accepting it as not her fault in her eyes you are open for taking the blame, as someone has to.

You can apportion responsibility without getting angry, but dont absolve her from responsibility. No need to rub in details. Single person collision with a stationary object. Accident cause by not paying attention for whatever reason. Once you get into debating what the "whatever" reason is that's when you get into blame shifting.

My partner lost her licence years before I met her due to drink driving and totalling the car with her infant son in the back. Never got her license back or driven since. I am glad, with all the anxiety, panic attacks, addictions and meds in her she would not be safe

Its also become a big excuse for not doing many things that are left for me to do as "she can't drive".

[Grey Kitty]

Is it possible that I have allowed this to go on for so long and been such an enabler that the relationship has no turning back?

Absolutely not. You can set and enforce your boundaries at anytime. It all comes down to free will and choice. YOU have control over both of those things.

Just gotta agree here. It is never too late to stand up for yourself like this. The sooner you do it and the more you do it, the better you will feel about yourself, your life, and your relationship... . and the easier it will be to keep improving things.

You may even find (like I did!) that your wife will someday thank you for doing this. She is almost certain to push back, HARD as an initial response though.

[waverider]

Is it possible that I have allowed this to go on for so long and been such an enabler that the relationship has no turning back?

Absolutely not. You can set and enforce your boundaries at anytime. It all comes down to free will and choice. YOU have control over both of those things.

Just gotta agree here. It is never too late to stand up for yourself like this. The sooner you do it and the more you do it, the better you will feel about yourself, your life, and your relationship... . and the easier it will be to keep improving things.

You may even find (like I did!) that your wife will someday thank you for doing this. She is almost certain to push back, HARD as an initial response though.

Learning not to enable neediness will enrich your life regardless of how this RS turns out. You will learn to live life by choice, not by default. This makes everything easier to live with, whether good or bad

[hurthusband]

By accepting it as not her fault in her eyes you are open for taking the blame, as someone has to.

I found this is as a fantastic insight.  I did not think of that, but you are right.  Somebody has to always take a blame in a BPD's eyes.  Yea, they may feel disproportionately aweful, but its not our responsibility nor good for our health to take the blame.

I will have to keep that in my head.  I think that could help more in the future.  It very well might be that I am being too comforting.

If it was in fact 2 beers which her friend at her house over 4 hours, I do not think she would have been drunk.  She did not seem drunk.  I was talking with her friends husband while they were together on the computer about some stuff and her friend is the one that told me I should leave so I think they would let me know if she was.  I buy her story because it is something she would do.  She will be careless with something then in trying to fix that cause a bigger one.  In this case, listening to loud music, screwing around with her electronic devices instead of paying attention to the road while driving probably too fast.  Still reasons she SHOULDNT be driving

Problem with her being arrested is the cost/benefit ratio I did not see looking good

Pros:

Forced to get help - there is no forcing her.  She has gotten help numerous times, but she isnt wanting it.  She is to the point that she really will just run

Cons:

She does not learn lesson and becomes more angry and acts even more irrational because she is completely panicked

Kids - they do not need to know about any of this

Family - her family will not help at all.  They will not offer support.  Everything will fall to me to handle and I could just leave her in jail to handle it all on her own, but the kids would not understand that.  I will have no help with the kids, I will have to arrange all the mental help, lawyers, everything.

Ultimately, its my problem unless I leave her. 

Yea, it doesnt stop the cycle, but DWI is a major penalty to pay.  In texas you are looking at about $15k to get out of it, and if you do not you are still looking at about $5k, and you cannot get a license for any career... ie you cannot even cut hair in the state of Texas.  Forget teaching which is the only sure fire money as an artist.

It is her fault, but if we stayed together, I would be paying the penalty.  If I am going to leave her, she will have enough problems that will hit her quickly that she will have a wake up call.  With a DWI, she will be unable to get a qualified job to even address or try and get on her feet in the future.

[Grey Kitty]

Do you have $15k to get her out of it? (or $10k more than it will cost otherwise?

Isn't she already pushing you to buy her a ex$$$$pensive new car that you can't afford? Or am I conflating somebody else's story here?

[SweetCharlotte]

Grey Kitty: the $15K is hypothetical. He says that is what it would have cost him to get her off if she had been arrested for DUI.

Nonetheless, he also says that she was not DUI when she crashed the car. Hence he did not call authorities when she crashed even though she had a head injury because A) he believes her that she was not over the limit and B) if she had been over the limit, it would have been hard to pay the price tag to keep her driving.

Yes, on top of this she wants a bigger, more expensive car.