What Do You Think He Is Really Saying?

[dealingwithit]

My husband and I are doing really well right now. Several years ago he was involved at least emotionally with a woman at work. It was a very painful situation for me which led me to fall into drinking for a few months. He found out and was very hurt and angry at me for drinking. (His dad was an abusive alcoholic.) I had asked that he stop communicating with this woman since she lived in a different state and he couldn't seem to do that... . Anyway, now he has better boundaries with women overall.

If I bring up anything to do with the situation, he immediately goes into, "You have ruined our family and put me through hell when I didn't do anything and never apologized" rant. It is like an automatic switch button with emotional intensity. I feel like he is hiding something when he does that, like I have stepped into territory he doesn't want me delving into. What do you guys think about that? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Indigo Sky]

Why do  you feel you have to bring up the situation?

[dealingwithit]

It is because he contacted a couple of people from his past and I wanted to remind him of the boundaries with women. He contacted them through Facebook but they are not responding. The point is to make sure he knows I won't go through that again. (Didn't make that clear in my earlier post, I guess

[waverider]

It is his natural response to a fear of being controlled (in his mind).

The past episode has been compartmentalized and put away. This could mean, as you fear, that the lesson was not learned, which may or may not be true.

Either way he sees that as his business not yours. He does not feel the empathy you might expect, only on how it impacts him, not how it impacted you, That is, it triggered your drinking and that affected him, not the guilt of what he did to you emotionally. In his mind you blew it out of proportion with your reaction.

His improved "boundaries' may just mean he is doing a better job of avoiding triggering you, rather than a change in attitude overall. It is always hard to tell what is real and what isn't, as past poor behavior has a habit of recycling as though it was never resolved.

[Chosen]

Hi dealingwithit,

I can empathise with your situation, even though I haven't gone through a similar experience.  I have gone through many times of uBPDh did something -> me responding (not so well) -> him putting all the blame on me, ignoring his responsibility (like he was the one which started this chain of events) -> in future if we mention this episode he will still put all blame on me.

First, no matter under what situation you mentioned his inappropriate behaviour, he will feel that it's a stab to his confidence (because he was in the wrong).  He will feel the need to defend himself, and he does so by putting all blame on you.  If he is able to say "because I crossed my boundaries with women, it led to my wife feeling hurt and drinking", then he wouldn't be pwBPD.  As waverider said, he might/ might not have learnt the lesson.  But bringing it up doesn't help (yes it's unfair; pwBPDs seem to be "allowed" to bring up issues but we can't).  If he hasn't learnt it/ refuse to accept it, he will not change his attitude just because you remind him.

What you need is boundaries for yourself- *if* he doesn't something similar again, or if you have told him before what behaviour you accept/ don't (e.g. "No one-on-one contact with single women on FB", then if he steps on/ crosses the boundary, you will have to do something in response to let him know it is unacceptable to you.