I recently had the same doubts about one of my best friends, whose boyfriend I have never liked, without really knowing why. In the last few months, he made the reasons clear to everybody, at least so I thought... .
My friend emailed me one night confessing me that she realized he had been cheating on her for 1.5 years, that he was getting drunk almost every night, that he had become verbally and emotionally abusive... .
We talked and talked about it, really honestly.
They live together, so she was trying to work out the best way to start a new life and different living arrangement. The other woman was still in the picture, and she was suffering a lot.
Then, suddenly, she stopped talking about it. She was not her usual self, but you could sense she didn't want to talk about him. She carried on living with him, and the only time I tried to ask about it she silenced me with something along the lines of "What's the use of talking about it? It just gives me an headache". I suggested she kept an eye on his email where she had found all the correspondance with the other woman. She told me that she didn't want to live in a relationship where one feels the need to control the other. That's it. I realized then she was too scared to change her life, and had chosen denial.
What to do?
I've lost a close friend in the past for a similar issue for voicing my concerns.
She's still with her (still)cheating husband.
This time this is what I decided to do:
Should I help her?
If she asks for your help, yes, of course.
How do you tell them that there partner is a nightmare? (obviously one has good evidence reason)
You don't. She must be the one realizing it, as tough is it might be, you can't do this work for her.
Do you feel you want to distance yourself from the friend because the partner is odd and don't want be to around a PD (you have your own healing to do) ?
I've thought about this. The chance to see him hasn't happened yet since I know what he's done, but if she asks me to see him I decided I will be honest with her and tell her that I value her friendship immensely but that I don't feel comfortable around her boyfriend cause I'm afraid of being rude with him for what he's done to her.
Do you distance but still keep in touch somehow?
I didn't distance from her, but she made things easier cause she's not talking about him anymore; I can totally understand how hard it is for you not telling her what you really think if she talks about him all the time. Maybe you can tell her that you are not so convinced about him, and ask her if she wants you to explain why, but that you don't want to ruin your friendship with her so you are afraid to say too much... . Being really honest. Do you think she would react badly to this?
This is just my very personal approach, and of course every situation is different. And it's definitely tough, as your admiration and respect for your friend is challanged. But maybe if you stick around she will have your shoulder when she will (hopefully) open her eyes. And. You won't lose something else over a PD person. Which is always a victory.
