A deeper kind of use and mouring that loss

[iluminati]

Recently, I've been in the process of living my life now that the ex has move on with hers.  Since we have a D4, we have to interact, but save for a few minor issues, we've been able to keep it cordial and focused on our daughter.  That said, something happened a couple of weeks back that has stuck in my head.

A couple of weeks ago, I had to travel out of state for business on a day trip.  On the way back, I just happened to pass through the town we used to live in.  As I had some spare time, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and wander around a bit.  As I drove through, I saw a lot of familiar sights, and I started to notice a pattern.  Of course, my memories filled the whole panoply of experiences, good, bad or weird.  On the flip side, the memories I had for my ex essentially boiled down to a long list of trigger behaviors.  Like, oh, this is where she went for her food binges, that's where she went for her shopping sprees, this is where she holed herself up, etc.  Since I had no particular reason to be back since I had moved away, it was the first time I had to face the facts with a lot of stuff that had happened, particularly since I had lived there before she got diagnosed with BPD.

As I kept thinking back, one thing stuck in my head: how I was used as an object during the relationship.  I don't mean use in the sense of being used for money or sex or attention.  I mean in the broader sense of having the totality of my experience be a cover for her dysfunction.  Whenever things went well, it gave her more fuel to indulge in her trigger behaviors and hide out from what she thought was a cruel world using the safety of my existence.  Whenever things went poorly, well, she could blame my problems for whatever acting out she did, and if I just acted right, she wouldn't have any issues.  Not only was there some enmeshment between us, she enmeshed herself in how I defined my own existence, for good or ill.

My question is how do you deal with that use of your life?  How do you deal with the fact that what made you who you are as a person was just some tool someone used to deal (or avoid dealing) with their demons?  Seeing the impact and devastation in the aftermath and slowly rebuilding my life, I realize how much of my existence was being used, and how freeing it is to have my own life to live for its own sake.  Even from what I'm seeing, I see the same patterns happening with her dealings with others.  I care to the extent that it may effect my daughter's life, but it's not my responsibility.  I'm just glad it's not my problem to deal with.

[bpdspell]

My question is how do you deal with that use of your life?  How do you deal with the fact that what made you who you are as a person was just some tool someone used to deal (or avoid dealing) with their demons? 

You deal with it by mourning and grieving the experience and accepting that you cannot change the past. You learn to accept the fullness of what it means to be mentally ill. When you have BPD the way you relate to other human beings emotionally is severely compromised. Your ex has the mind of a child. That's what BPD IS at it's core.

Your ex has never "experienced" you as a separate individual from her. Neither did mine. My ex did not see me as a unique person with needs, character flaws, personality quirks, emotions or nuances. He saw me as a parent replacement; a person to be groomed to fit his bottomless pit of need….just like a child does.  This is how they relate to people.

Is it sad? Yes. Does it hurt to feel used? Yes. But thank God in your case that it's over. Going down memory lane will certainly trigger your memories and cause you to reevaluate your experiences with her but don't let the memories keep you stuck in a way that will victimize you.

As time moves on there are times when I am reflective enough to see more and more of how sick this man really was. There was always some part of me that was so resistant to accepting the "realness" of having had been with someone who "experienced" me so differently from how I believed they were experiencing me. But in time with grieving the day will come where you're indifferent to those feelings and what a sweet day that will be.

Spell