uBPDx Possibly Cybersnooping Through FB

[Turkish]

After tiring of seeing her not so subtle devaluations of me (the usual FB memes and waifish postings), I blocked her back in early November. It took her a couple of weeks to figure it out after she asked me, "did you see the pics I posted of the kids?" What followed was a few more grueling months of her living with me until she moved out early Feb, her all but throwing her juvenile r/s in my face the whole time while I compensated by taking care of the kids more.

Today I saw one of her friends, a mutual FB friend, post something about himself. I saw she commented on it... . with the FB account she hasn't posted anything to since 2011. She even had up the profile picture of her that I took of her on a vacation (which was mostly miserable for me given her BPD behaviors, but objectively, it was an awesome vacation, seeing some of the most beautiful places in the USA, one world-famous). I looked at the profile, and nothing new was posted either. Not a single update since 2011.

I am still "friends" with this profile, so she could view my page, unlike from the blocked account. Not to try to figure out what is going through the mind of a pwBPD, I can't figure a reason she suddenly logged on unless she was using it to check my page. This old page of hers was more work-centric, and it was before the kids. But as I said, there were no updates or postings related to her work either.

I thought about blocking it, but I have nothing to hide. I know she is desperate to see pics I take of the kids, as I rarely send her any (and she stopped texting me pics when she realized that I didn't want to reciprocate, though on occasion I am merciful).

She was legally served with the custody papers last week, and the child support package will follow. I'll pretend I didn't see this. Then after she signs (fingers crossed, prayers being said that she doesn't fight anything), block that account as well.

It took me many months and thousands of dollars in therapy to get to a point of Radical Acceptance. To realize that she is who she is. She thinks she is different, and projects that in public, but I know she is the same, suffering from the same core fears. As my T had to repeat several times: "a lot of your anger seems to stem from you expecting her to be something she is not."

I was mad and sad for about a day when our kids reacted negatively to her moving her boyfriend into my place too quickly as Replacement Dad. Then I remembered: Radical Acceptance. It was foolish of her to do that, but it is who she is, and was I really surprised she would think of herself and her boyfriend (an extension of herself) before the kids? She is emotionally a kid herself, with a child's egocentrism. The anger melted, and I wasn't even mad last night when my 4 year old son called me by her boyfriend's name, just to mess with me. For the past week, she stopped bringing him over. She had to. The kids all of a sudden didn't like him. Good kids... .

[GaGrl]

You're still allowing her to rent too much space in your head.

[Turkish]

You're still allowing her to rent too much space in your head.

It's tough with kids this young. Now we have to interact more since we are investigating preschools and kindergarten.  I'm actually fine with this aspect as its about our son.

[GaGrl]

I really can't imagine which is more difficult - what you are working through, or the decision my DH made to stay and protect the children all those years that his then-wife (The Dark Princess) continued her blatant infidelities. I'm so sorry for your continued pain... . there's no easy way through it.

[Emelie Emelie]

Working on the Radical Acceptance concept.  Tough putt.  Right now I'd settle for un-Radical Acceptance.  Just a little bit.  You've clearly done a lot of hard work to get there.  Good for you.

[myself]

You're still allowing her to rent too much space in your head.

 Sorry, but it's not being rented, you're letting her in for free.

The topic is 'cybersnooping' and you say you have nothing to hide. That doesn't mean if you think she's cybersnooping you can't have boundaries and block that possibility. Case closed. Nothing to think about. It's understandable that you're feeling to want to kind of keep the door still open, though. If you wanted to share pictures with her, you would. You're saying it's like she's sneaking through a back door and in effect stealing them. She has her time with the kids. She probably has her own camera, too.

Radical Acceptance doesn't mean She Gets Away With It. It means: You are good with who you are, what you're going through, and how it's best for you to get through it. Not making excuses for her or letting your needs fall by the wayside. You accept by being honest with yourself. If you're OK with something, that's great. If you're not, it's not always best to just shrug it off. That's not facing it.

I've gone through much of what you write about, so please think about this: Our expectations of Them can stir us up, and keep us stirred up, and so can our (unmet) expectations of Ourselves.

[Turkish]

Thanks myself and Gagrl. I should probably reread the thread on renting space. Our son is still angry with us, related to her bringing in RD too close too soon. He started acting out when I called tonight. Might have to rethink the nightly calls (I'm ok with not talking to them for 2-3 days unless they ask, their mom is the one who started callng more). That's a subject for the CP board though... .

Emelie Emelie- you'll get there, its a process. My anger started fading noticably only two weeks ago. She left the house in early Feb, and I've had to place several boundaries down to keep distance, as realistically as I could and still raise a baby and kid together.

Her signing the legal papers will be a huge mental relief for me.

[trappedinlove]

Turkish, this sounds like mind games.

Games your mind is playing with you, and maybe mind games she is playing with you.

But the latter doesn't matter that much.

Once you clear your mind of the fog you're in her games won't be as powerful as they are today.

They might still be annoying but you won't obsess so much over trying to make sense out of her (unfortunately mentally disordered) mind.