Weekends are the Worst

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Long, lonely weekend stretching ahead.  Have plenty to do around the house.  Can't seem to find the motivation.  I start ruminating and obsessing.  What's he doing?  Who is he with?  Ugh.

[Emelie Emelie]

Long, lonely weekend stretching ahead.  Have plenty to do around the house.  Can't seem to find the motivation.  I start ruminating and obsessing.  What's he doing?  Who is he with?  Ugh.

[drv3006]

I agree

[Turkish]

Long, lonely weekend stretching ahead.  Have plenty to do around the house.  Can't seem to find the motivation.  I start ruminating and obsessing.  What's he doing?  Who is he with?  Ugh.

I know. uBPDx has the kids this weekend, so I don't even have that. I have cleaning, laundry, yardwork, dishes, and a tornado left by the kids to clean up. I know I need to do it, but just don't feel motivated. There is a lot of stuff she rudely left in my home that I need to start taking to Salvation Army.

But the house can wait. The temperature tomorrow will be 25 degrees F less than it was yesterday. Perfect weather for a long hike tomorrow morning, away from home (trigger), and away from people. I'm doing it for me. Responsibilities can wait. They aren't going anywhere, but I am.

[tholian]

Long, lonely weekend stretching ahead.  Have plenty to do around the house.  Can't seem to find the motivation.  I start ruminating and obsessing.  What's he doing?  Who is he with?  Ugh.

I know how you feel. My uBPDx left me for another guy and now she is with her first ex-bf. It has haunted me if she is doing the things she did and said to me, but then again, i've learned it to pus away. You know how i console my self? it might be evil   to think like this, but i don't care. What i think is "I can get better, i can work on my self and find happiness. She on the other hand, will always be like this, looking for never ending love and accumulate her bad karma. I have an exit in my dark tunnel, but for her it's a never ending tunnel"

You take care and have a good weekend.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Long, lonely weekend stretching ahead.  Have plenty to do around the house.  Can't seem to find the motivation.  I start ruminating and obsessing.  What's he doing?  Who is he with?  Ugh.

I'm right here with ya! Planted some stuff, watered, etc. trying but I don't want to.  I almost dread, no I DO dread the weekends.  Sigh... . trying hard to redirect the head,

CiF

[Pecator]

Yeah,

I hate them too. I hate them because I know exactly what she is doing. S15 texted me. This is the S she dysregulated against on Sunday and dropped off at his father's. A brutal punishment she has threatened many times. They do not get along and it is her ultimate punishment. She followed trough this week. It was quite a turbulent time. He has been texting me all week.

He is home alone. S18 is off racing mountain bikes. He is so incredibly bored. No wonder he finds escape in pot.

What kind of replacement wouldn't try to incorporate him into their plans. What kind of mom wouldn't demand it. She is a good mom, when not in BPD mode. Then she is the victim of S15 and exh. So a nice restaurant, drinks afterword and finally sex back at his place is what she deserves.

And I stop focussing on me.

Connection to S15 keeps me hooked. Rather text about music than wash the pile of dishes in the sink.


You know what else I hate about weekends? CLOCKS!

Every I look at them they lie to me and tell me only a few minutes have passed and it is still too early to go to bed.

[Emelie Emelie]

I just took the Depression test.  Yikes.  I need to get it together.

[cosmonaut]

I know the ruminations are worst when we are alone and not distracted by other things.  It's hard.

What sort of things do you like to do?  What have you been wanting to do for ages but haven't gotten around to it?  What friend haven't you seen in a while?  Might be a good time to do something fun.  You deserve it!   

[Emelie Emelie]

I honestly don't even know.  (How boring do I sound?)  I used to be a voracious reader.  One of my greatest pleasures in life.  Did not have much time for that when I was trying to juggle work and and my rs with him.  He demanded a lot of my time.   very much.  I picked up a few books last Would like nothing more than to crawl into bed with a cup of tea and read.  Escape.  Tried but I just can't seem to concentrate.  Maybe I'll curl up on the sofa with a movie tomorrow night.  Haven't done that in ages.  Well not without him anyway.

[Emelie Emelie]

Sorry... . screwed that up.  Meant I picked up a few books last weekend. 

[cosmonaut]

I honestly don't even know.  (How boring do I sound?)  I used to be a voracious reader.  One of my greatest pleasures in life.  Did not have much time for that when I was trying to juggle work and and my rs with him.  He demanded a lot of my time.   very much.  I picked up a few books last Would like nothing more than to crawl into bed with a cup of tea and read.  Escape.  Tried but I just can't seem to concentrate.  Maybe I'll curl up on the sofa with a movie tomorrow night.  Haven't done that in ages.  Well not without him anyway.

That sounds like a great day!  You should do that.  Maybe give it another shot tomorrow.  Take the whole day off and spend the day curled up with a book you're excited to read.   It's a lot of work being someone else's caretaker.  I know it, too.  The good news is, you don't have to do it anymore.  You only have to take care of YOU now!

[myself]

For a while I thought about voodoo dolls, but that focuses on 'them' too much.

Maybe we should make some of ourselves. Poke the pins in, get more motivated.

It's letting ourselves stay stuck to let ourselves stay stuck. It's up to us to change!

Watch your favorite movie. Read something. Paint something. Go for the longest walk you've ever been on, breathing the freshest air you can find. Kick a hole in the dirt in the shape of a grave and throw in all the love letters, gifts, mementos, and tears you have. But: Focus on today. Living is better than reliving, isn't it?

These are our minutes. Our lives. Each one has how many choices?

[coolioqq]

I'll take long walks, have a haircut, read some philosophy stuff, laze around after the hard week... . My ex? She's going to spend the weekend on a dating site, looking for my replacement. And, yes, I know I shouldn't know this . But, I am really at a point where I can know what she's doing and say "I don't care." I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but right now, seeing that she's online looking somehow feels good, I gotta tell you . Yep, sounds odd - but phew it's liberating! Have some patience - you'll be there soon!

[Emelie Emelie]

It must be so liberating to be able to say "I don't care."  I think I could live with it if I knew he wouldn't ever date anybody else .  Or better yet date away but never fall in love with anyone else.  That's the hardest thing for me to deal with.  Of course I suppose it is for all of us.  It's hard that he's so angry with me.  That he ignored my request to not leave it "ugly"... . ignored me.  That he's "seeking another relationship".  Last break up we were in frequent communication.  A lot of it wasn't pretty but there was always communication.  He very much wanted to be "friends".  Now he clearly wants nothing to do with me.  Said it "hurts less" this way.  (Well in fairness I told him we couldn't be friends.)  It's so crazy.  He's the one that's hurt.  He's the one that's angry.  He hates me because I didn't make everything okay for him.  Not because we "broke up".  Not because I left him.  Because I didn't give him what he needed.  And I didn't leave him.  Yes... . when he was screaming and raging at me (because I didn't give him what he needed) he was super over the top abusive and I said I'm done with this.  But the next day I called and asked to talk about it.  He ignored my call.  Wouldn't talk to me.  Then again it's exactly how it happened last time.  He got so abusive I finally walked out.  So I "left him".  It took him a long time to admit he orchestrated the break up.  That he was heading there long before I realized it.  I hate this.  Sometimes I hate him.  Hate him for all the pain he caused me and making me all these promises and leaving me like this again.  Hate him for his inability to recognize that or take any responsibility for it.  I know this guy is seriously sick.  On the "spectrum" he's pretty bad.  So I really shouldn't be angry at him.  It's more sad than anything else.  But I am.  A big part of that is he knows he's BPD.  He knows it's caused him enormous grief and problems in relationships.  He has found resources to help him.  (Those that he promised me to participate in.)  And he does nothing to get better.  He just hurts people.  He just hurts me.

[coolioqq]

It must be so liberating to be able to say "I don't care."  I think I could live with it if I knew he wouldn't ever date anybody else .  Or better yet date away but never fall in love with anyone else.  That's the hardest thing for me to deal with.  Of course I suppose it is for all of us.  It's hard that he's so angry with me.  That he ignored my request to not leave it "ugly"... . ignored me.  That he's "seeking another relationship".  Last break up we were in frequent communication.  A lot of it wasn't pretty but there was always communication.  He very much wanted to be "friends".  Now he clearly wants nothing to do with me.  Said it "hurts less" this way.  (Well in fairness I told him we couldn't be friends.)  It's so crazy.  He's the one that's hurt.  He's the one that's angry.  He hates me because I didn't make everything okay for him.  Not because we "broke up".  Not because I left him.  Because I didn't give him what he needed.  And I didn't leave him.  Yes... . when he was screaming and raging at me (because I didn't give him what he needed) he was super over the top abusive and I said I'm done with this.  But the next day I called and asked to talk about it.  He ignored my call.  Wouldn't talk to me.  Then again it's exactly how it happened last time.  He got so abusive I finally walked out.  So I "left him".  It took him a long time to admit he orchestrated the break up.  That he was heading there long before I realized it.  I hate this.  Sometimes I hate him.  Hate him for all the pain he caused me and making me all these promises and leaving me like this again.  Hate him for his inability to recognize that or take any responsibility for it.  I know this guy is seriously sick.  On the "spectrum" he's pretty bad.  So I really shouldn't be angry at him.  It's more sad than anything else.  But I am.  A big part of that is he knows he's BPD.  He knows it's caused him enormous grief and problems in relationships.  He has found resources to help him.  (Those that he promised me to participate in.)  And he does nothing to get better.  He just hurts people.  He just hurts me.

I know how much it hurts. We don't have the privilege to shut our feelings down like pwBPD admittedly can. Everything you said tells me that you are well aware why you cannot have a relationship with him. When you fall prey to solitude (those darn weekends... . ), the memories of good times inevitably creep in. But, you gotta think of both sides of the medal.

Let me tell you a funny story (and no I didn't drink tonight ). The relationship with pwBPD is like buying a backlot Ferrari that someone returned under the "Lemon Law" protection. It'll give you a hell of a ride to the grocery store one day. The next day, it'll give you another hell of a ride to the woods, and leave you stranded. You got it half-price because no one else wants it - appealing but impractical... . But, that's your Ferrari! So you call and pay for towing and fixing and go talk to the mechanic (read: his psychiatrist) and they keep telling you that you got a lemon and that it "ain't worth fixing." But it's your Ferrari, what do they mean "it ain't worth fixing?" So you band-aid your Ferrari until the next gas station. And you just keep doing that. You run out of money, nerves, everything... . But, hey it's your Ferrari! So you buy books and get under your Ferrari, trying to fix stuff. It doesn't matter that you keep fixing and it breaks, and you do it again and again. It doesn't even drive anymore, you push it instead. After all, it's your Ferrari! The painful truth is that you gotta get rid of your Ferrari, just as the previous owner did... . Lemons are only good for lemonade - you gotta put a lot of sugar in to make them sweet. And sugar is a) bad for your health and b) you eventually run out of it. Someone steals your Ferrari one day... . And you are in so much pain. Who is driving it now? Who enjoys hours of your work under the chassis? And you miss your Ferrari. You gotta walk to the grocery store now instead of pushing your Ferrari. What a mess! As I said, I'm not drunk tonight  .

All that you are feeling is completely normal. The rehashing, the lonely weekends, the "what is he doing now?", the "who is he with now?" - it's all part of healing. The less you contact the better. No worries, the thieves are not having more fun than you did with your Ferrari lemon. As a matter of fact, thieves are smart and probably left it by the road and took a hike. Not every Ferrari owner is so conscientious as you .

My ex was diagnosed but she didn't bother to tell me until she had her hooks well tightened to my heart. Then she thought I was all hers and she could do whatever she wanted with me. That same moment when she confessed her lies and manipulations and her diagnosis, she had this insatiable urge to hurt me, further and further. Figuratively speaking, she stabbed me in the heart and when I looked at her in horror in that demonic state, she twisted it to finish me (she said she's not sure if she even loves me.) That was the worst moment in my life. The whole world was crumbling around me as I was there - alone - with this poor excuse for a human being... . She was aware of everything... . All her manipulation, her lies, her hidden agenda - everything! And she kept hurting me in the worst way imaginable to me, because she knew exactly how to destroy me. But you know why she knew? Because I allowed her. I can't blame her. I allowed her to do it.

And then I left her. I left my Ferrari. Let the thieves have it. I started saving up for a Honda. Need I say more?

You WILL GET BETTER! Give yourself time. Understand that you are persistent in protecting yourself from further emotional harm and hurt. It hurts now, oh don't I know it. But, it would hurt much much more in the future had you given in again. Let that important realization sink in. And you are not alone in this. We're here for you!  

P.S. When I said "I don't care" as I am seeing her online on a dating site - I am not made of steel you know . But there is some truth to "fake it 'til you make it" mantra . We are all in the same boat. But we plug the holes and row together towards that Honda dealership .

Ahh, and if not apparent, by Ferrari I was referring to the relationship not the person. PwBPD are human beings just like us - fallible and vulnerable - it is truly something they cannot control.

[Emelie Emelie]

  LOVE the Ferrari analogy!  I do understand to continue with him would only mean more pain and turmoil.  I know that for sure now.  If this was his best effort, when he was so committed and determined to make our relationship work... . Well I know it will never work.  Any lingering doubts I had on that score are over.  (Some progress?)  Just have to work on accepting that and detaching from him.  I know it will bet better Coolioqq.  I know it will just take some time.  Thank you for your words of encouragement!

[Jb101]

The Ferrari example is great!

I'm the same this weekend. I've been dreading it. Friday night alone and then a weekend feeling more lonely. I'm miserable so people don't want to be around me. It's great.

Thought I'd improved a bit today, went to the gym this morning and blasted myself and walked out feeling much better. Few hours later and I'm back in my mental hell, lonely and trying not to think about her having fun with somebody else... .

[Jb101]

Much as I miss the Ferrari, part of me wishes I'd never bought it. I worked so hard at it and tried to help her with so many problems she had at times, found her a new job (even wrote the application) counselled her through family problems, moved house, moved heaven and earth so we could buy a house together... . and now she's chucked me aside as if it meant nothing.

[GlitterBug]

I just took the Depression test.  Yikes.  I need to get it together.

Tell me about it! Mind you, the fact I havent showered today and got up at 2pm probably was an indication.

[Banshee]

 

"I can get better, i can work on my self and find happiness. She on the other hand, will always be like this, looking for never ending love and accumulate her bad karma. I have an exit in my dark tunnel, but for her it's a never ending tunnel"

I   THIS!

[seeking balance]

I remember when weekends were hard too - here is what I did about it... .

I started training to do the 3 Day Walk - there were training schedules and walking gave me the structure and people to do things with, plus I was tired at night.

Pick something - anything - you always wanted to do or try and do it.  No, it won't be easy to make that first move, but once you do - the actual act of doing it will start to create a sense of worth that money cannot buy - honestly.

Weekends can be tough without plans or people around and when we are depressed it is super hard to plan - it takes "doing it anyways" attitude for this.

The funny thing is, this leads to #4 - creative action - the feeling of enthusiasm will follow, honestly, it will.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I took up hiking! I'm alone, challenged, and unsure of myself! And? I did not die, .

It felt very liberating and I'm plotting my next trip out, and shopped for a few cool things.

I didn't want to go, I forced myself to go, and it felt good afterward.

CiF

[jibber]

I used to love weekends so much... .  

I have so many things to do, but i can't find the motivation. One of my biggest passions before this relationship was making music, and i used to spend almost every free minute on it, sometimes until late into the night. I can't seem to find joy anymore in what previously could keep me busy and happy for hours. I didn't make music since january, used to do it every day.

I dread the weekends now. I spent them with her for the last year... . and now it feels so empty. It's not so much that i miss HER, since... . well, the weekends would never be just nice and loving. At some point you all know what happend... . the splitting, always something that killed the harmony... . but hey, sometimes we managed for a friday or saturday evening without it. It's really not so much her that i miss, it's the relationship, living together... . knowing somebody is there who shows you affection, who will laugh with you, aaaahhhrggg... .   :'(

[Popcorn71]

I dread the weekends now. I spent them with her for the last year... . and now it feels so empty. It's not so much that i miss HER, since... . well, the weekends would never be just nice and loving. At some point you all know what happend... . the splitting, always something that killed the harmony... . but hey, sometimes we managed for a friday or saturday evening without it. It's really not so much her that i miss, it's the relationship, living together... . knowing somebody is there who shows you affection, who will laugh with you, aaaahhhrggg... .   :'(

Exactly how I feel too.  I have gradually made new routines and new friends over the past few months and weekends are getting better.  But I still miss, just having somebody around.  I really don't miss my exBPDh at all though.

[cacanpoint]

it is saturday and i feel so lonely... . i could call friends, there are all great. But my heart is lonely.

[Narellan]

Em, one hundred percent certainty he is not going to fall in love. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Narellan - Of course he's going to fall in love.  Just as he did with me and the ones that came before me.  Hurts.   :'(  I'm a mess this morning.  Texted him to see how he's doing... . how he's recovering from surgery.  Stupid, stupid, stupid I know.  Because if he doesn't respond or doesn't respond "nicely" I'm going to be even more crushed.  God I hate this.

[corraline]

cancanpoint

My heart is lonely too. Sometimes i use this little tool when i feel it.  I tell myself that the love i felt for my ex is my love and it is not gone. It was my love and I own it.  I feel it because it was mine.  He can't take that away from me.

Emelie Emelie

You reached out because you care.  please don't punish yourself for this. take care of you now.

[Emelie Emelie]

Oh Corraline - If only I knew how to do that.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I am paralyzed today.  I forced myself out, mingled amongst the market, couldn't wait to get home to literally fall apart.  I had a great day this week, felt super happy and was out on the water with new friends, thought of the X but just a few brief moments so I KNOW this can happen the happiness thing.  It's a beautiful and I feel guilty for wasting it but I can hardly put one foot in front of the other... . God this sucks.

CiF