Recycle Stories Needed - it and take steps to avoid it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It seems to me pwBPD are very "by the book" I'm amazed at how each one has so many similarities.

I would love to hear your recycle story... I feel it will give me the power to recognize it and take steps to avoid it. I have no idea if he will ever contact me but if he does I'll be prepared for the attack so to speak.

Thank you in advance

[Banshee]

It seems to me pwBPD are very "by the book" I'm amazed at how each one has so many similarities.

I would love to hear your recycle story... I feel it will give me the power to recognize it and take steps to avoid it. I have no idea if he will ever contact me but if he does I'll be prepared for the attack so to speak.

Thank you in advance

[bunnyrabit]

Well, I got recycled one time and I'm planning it to be the last one too.

The first time we broke up was because of her having an all out psychotic episode in which I was painted black to the extreme and she became very violent.

I vowed then never to be involved with that woman again (oops!). This episode of her involved the police who then forced her to go into therapy. Few months later she arrived at my house and because she was having therapy and taking medication and even admitting that she had mental issues, I decided to give her another chance.

Some things did change, she was calmer, less 'crazy' but the relationship cycle was almost exactly the same. It lasted a good year and a half I think, and now she ran off again to a replacement and I'm here again typing on bpdfamily... .

So I think some of the more extreme symptoms of the illness can be cured or repressed but the fact is that these people just ARE their illness. I really don't see how you can 'cure' an entire personality... .

[Narellan]

Mine just fb messaged me for my mobile phone number, he had lost it. I didn't reply but because he could see I had seen the message and ignored it he then called my landline about 20 times in 24 hours. i didnt answer. And I got a text from a mutual friend saying he had called her for my mobile number was it ok to pass it on. I hadn't even answered her text and he was at my door. I said I'd prefer no contact. He talked me into going for a walk. 3 hours later all back on.

This same scenario happened twice in a few months. Tipping he deleted my number in anger the desperate to get in contact again. I'm safeguarded a bit now. No FB, I don't answer my landline but can check the caller I'd afterward, and he's in my contacts now as " do not answer this prick". Plus for a few more weeks he is still out of the state. After he's back the only avenue of contact is showing up at my door to which I am going to close it without a word. And keep doing this until he gets bored.

[Banshee]

what are the lines they feed you? Do they start out with small talk and work their way up or stretch it out ?

The first time we got back together we were in contact as friends and eventually we got back together but this time there is no contact,, I have no idea how he would start up a conversation ... a question, a remark?... I'm preparing for anything !

[letmeout]

Maintain NO contact and ignore every single thing they try to do to reengage you. I know it is hard to do, but do it you must so you won't have to suffer again.

[bunnyrabit]

what are the lines they feed you? Do they start out with small talk and work their way up or stretch it out ?

Yes, that's exactly how it starts. She's now trying it again after she got bored with the replacement. As innocent as it may seem at first, every contact with them is toxic, a ploy to keep you in check. I'm not falling for it again

[Narellan]

Always started with a bit of an excuse really then went on to say missed me, really loved the good times we had, really wants to work on this and that in our relationship. Had things to sort out, needed space. Really calm calculated sentences( obviously used many many times before). Never ever took any responsibility or was ever at fault. Never begged for me back, that would have sent me running. Told me how special I was and he'd never regret our time together. Etc. made me feel sad like it really was over, and caused me to do an about face and try again. In fact he listened intently to all my reasons why I needed NC and was soo empathetic and understanding. And loving and caressing. Talked about good times wed had.

It's good to think about this now, thanks for this thread. It will prepare me for the next recycle attempt.

[dragonsfire]

I've been no contact for a little over 2 months.  I think I finally gave the idea that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her.  It was so hard but I know that it's for the best.  I tried to have a great relationship with her but the Triangulation  , the constant guilt trips  , the marriage ultimatum  were really blinding me from the truth.  The emotional abuse from her was so high that I started to think it was ME who was doing the wrong thing.  I was afraid of losing her.  My family and friends kept telling me that she doesn't love me but just wants to control.  I literally could not understand why she was so rude with name calling and accusing me of things that I wasn't doing.  I tried and tried to help her make sense of things.  She was so confusing.  She would come by my house after breaking up with me the night before.  I fell for this probably 20-30 times.  She would initiate some kind of contact through another free cell phone number or email address after she figured I blocked her.  Because I really did care about her, I responded a few times.  The good times we had were what I really wanted all of the time.  She would leave notes on my doorstep or write a 'goodbye' email.  I got 50+ of those emails.  She was always saying goodbye.  But would get in contact with me somehow.  She would tell me what she had done during the breakup periods.  Her 'friend' the ex husband was in the love triangle.  I started realizing that she didn't love me.  So I pulled away and got therapy after about a year of up and down rollercoasters.  After googling emotionally abusive girlfriend I came upon a few sites related to emotional abuse, gas lighting, and lo and behold BPD.  I wasn't quite sure at first and didn't want to judge.  But she didn't have a huge fear of abandonment.  If she wasn't with me, she was off with someone else.  I was accused of being abusive, a bad boyfriend for not marrying her.  The recycles continued for almost 2 years.  I seriously had a hard time living day to day because of it.  I couldn't decypher whether she loved me or not.  It felt like I didn't even know who she was but I loved and missed her, even when she was being a rude abusive girl.  She would say that she loves and misses me.  But would turn around on a dime if I were to bring up her behavior.  She did tell me towards the end that she was seeing someone and doing CBT.  I felt like her family knew that something was wrong with her but wouldn't say anything about it.  I am still feeling the fallout from the relationship even though I've gone no contact.  It's almost like a bad dream you want to forgive and forget.

[Banshee]

Told me how special I was and he'd never regret our time together. Etc. made me feel sad like it really was over, and caused me to do an about face and try again. In fact he listened intently to all my reasons why I needed NC and was soo empathetic and understanding. And loving and caressing.

So he was responding in a good way about your relationship AS you were asking for NC but actually doing  reverse psychology on you?

[myself]

Each time we recycled, there was less and less of what was originally there, and more and more filler trying to make up the difference. That doesn't hold together very well if you want something real.

[Octoberfest]

It is important to remember that it takes two to recycle;  while your BPDex may play to your vulnerabilities, ultimately it is YOU who gets to choose if you jump back on the merry-go-round one more time.  This isn't being judgmental- on the other hand, it is empowering and encouraging.  It means you are in the drivers seat.  The concession of course, one that I am intimately familiar with, is that you will not be able to say no to their advances, or even stop your own advances, until you are ready.  I, along with I would wager almost everyone here had friends telling them what bad news my BPDex was and how I should leave her... . but I wasn't ready to be done until I was ready to be done.  It is a journey... . and sadly, not all journeys are pleasant ones.

[dragonsfire]

It is important to remember that it takes two to recycle;  while your BPDex may play to your vulnerabilities, ultimately it is YOU who gets to choose if you jump back on the merry-go-round one more time.  This isn't being judgmental- on the other hand, it is empowering and encouraging.  It means you are in the drivers seat.  The concession of course, one that I am intimately familiar with, is that you will not be able to say no to their advances, or even stop your own advances, until you are ready.  I, along with I would wager almost everyone here had friends telling them what bad news my BPDex was and how I should leave her... . but I wasn't ready to be done until I was ready to be done.  It is a journey... . and sadly, not all journeys are pleasant ones.

So very true Octoberfest.  We aren't done until we are ready.  It's a bumpy road and one that has shown me a lot about myself.  You're right.  Ultimately it is us who has to make the choice.  When do we stop putting up with the advances?

[Narellan]

Yes Banshee, definitely reverse psychology. Once he knew I was " abandoning" him, he became this most beautiful warm caring understanding person that I thought I couldn't give up.

[Bach Cantatas]

It seems to me pwBPD are very "by the book" I'm amazed at how each one has so many similarities.

I would love to hear your recycle story... I feel it will give me the power to recognize it and take steps to avoid it. I have no idea if he will ever contact me but if he does I'll be prepared for the attack so to speak.

Thank you in advance

I am now over 12 months out and would like to say that what helped me most to deal with the recycle attempt which invariably came after 6 months NC, was the realisation that I could not trust a single word that was said to me by her. I thought that some form of closure and perhaps an acceptance of friendship might be possible. This seemed to be acceptable to her also, but I subsequently realised that it was a tactic to initiate a recycle. It was a text book strategy of "accidental" meetings and then an email that listed her subsequent woes after our split. Crucially, no real interest was shown in me and facts about her activity after we split were omitted from her account.These pointers alerted me to what she was indeed engaging in.  Please realise that people suffering this disorder will say (or not say that which they should) anything if they feel it will help fill up their emptiness within. It is all very sad, but once you can face the facts of the matter in hand, your healing will move forwards.

[LuckyNicki]

I think that a recycle attempt will be more of an ego booster for us non.   But man, I cannot see myself continuing in that charade.   

Its so funny that everything I read about BPD is helping me predict the actions of my undiagnosed ex BPD.  I learned that after the breakup, their strength in distancing and keeping us split black is due to their secure relationship with the replacement.

So far that is spot on with this ex.  Shes reached out a few times to tug on the strings.    Now im just waiting to see if she will attempt to recycle after splitting me black when things go sour with her current bf.

When that happens, I think I can truly say shes a BPD.  Right now all her actions and predicted behavior exhibits BPD.  Im just curious if she will attempt recycle.  We will find out.

[Banshee]

Thank you all so much... Very helpful information,

I'm not sure why I think he will contact but I do... I have no idea when of course but I want to be several steps ahead of him when he does.

It might be because I know how much I did while we were together and the usual people around him are  shady and  bit on the lower life scale.

I'm still strangely hoping for that time to turn him down, I know this is dangerous ,especially if I need to communicate for a bit until I'm sure he's recycling .

It makes me think of a "snake charmer"  I know I have to be on guard and watch him very carefully or else I could get "bit" again.

This may not be a good idea and It may change completely if it's a good while from now and I could see things from a totally different perspective... . but at the moment  I feel safer taking notes and having a plan A and Plan B just in case.

Thank you

[Skip]

No one recycles us... .

... . recycling takes two.

Can you think of anyone you can recycle?  Make them jump into a relationship with you when they don't want too?

The best way to avoid rekindling the relationship is to let go of this idea that someone can suck you back, and examine your own motives for going back and dealing with them.

Why are we thinking about returning to the relationship.

• Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them or are we returning to this relationship because it feels safe?  

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again (a hard one to admit, but I’ve read it many times)?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.

Recovering the relationship: The ability to end the cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment by both partners.  

Leaving the relationship: The power to end the relationship and end the toxic break-up/make-up cycles lies with us.  Moreover, it doesn't help us to blame it on our partner. That assumes they have power over us.  Besides, if you have repeatedly returned you both have help condition this behavior as "normal" for the relationship.