Texting

[kfifd196]

My wife was in constant contact with me, almost from day one.  If I even tried to "put the brakes on", she would get furious or threaten to break up, because she refused to "be treated that way".  Now, before I go further, "That Way" was texting me AT LEAST 20,000 Text messages in ONE YEAR... . do the math of how many per day.  That DOES NOT include talking on the phone for 3 hours at night, when I was at work or emails, which were interspersed... .   Is this "Normal" for a BPD?  I tend to think it goes hand-in-hand with the abandonment issues and security issues.

Also, she made weird demands, like she "needed to be on the Deed" to the house I owned for 5 years before meeting her, but she didn't have any money to put down on it and didn't want to be on the mortgage, just the deed... .   I told her I needed security too and I had dumped every dime I had into the house, including retirement money (I gutted it and did a total renovation by hand).  I wasn't comfortable taking that risk of losing everything, if she went into a rage again.  I know it was the right decision, but does anyone else have any weird demands?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ziniztar]

1) About the texts: I even had that once with a guy that didn't have BPD. I think it has something to do with a love addiction / weak boundaries / insecurity that can arise in pwBPD but also in non's. It's not an issue for my dBPDbf.

2) How did you try to "put the breaks on"? Have you read about setting boundares and exstinction bursts?

[tired-of-it-all]

I have not dealt with this particular problem; however, I have dealt with other bazaar behavior.  As I continued to give in to her demands, they got worse and worse.  Eventually I had to set boundaries.  You cannot let her behavior pressure you into doing things that you know are a mistake.  I would not put her name on the deed.  I would tell her that the lender will not allow it and that it costs money to change a deed and that you are not going to do it.  If you die, I am sure she gets the house anyway.

As far as the calls, I know this sounds overly simple but it works:  Quit answering the phone.  If she texts, don't read it.  :)on't give her power over you.  BPD's don't know what normal is.  They don't know how they should behave.  If we let them they run completely amuck.

I had to learn to say no and not care what her reaction would be.  I had to threaten to call the police to my wife and I meant it when I said it.  These people do not understand normal boundaries.  Boundaries have to be set, sometimes using extreme measures.

[kfifd196]

I tried not answering texts or the phone and she would still lay into me, esp if we were in a conversation about something and I had an emergency to run on (I am a Career Firefighter, so I don't get to answer every text right away), but she still had issues with it.  She thought it was disrespectful.  She did $1000 damage to my house a year and a half ago and ran away to her parents.  I wouldn't let her back right away and she lied telling everyone I kicked her out.  She wanted to then be on the deed, so SHE could tell me to leave if she needed space.  I was not going to ever leave my house.  I don't believe in it.  I come from a mindset, that you work on your issues together, not run away from them.  Distance only creates more problems.  I learned today, (and she doesn't know i know), that she is NOW seeing a psychiatrist, but I don't know if he's figured out she has BPD.  Would it be confidential if I called the DR and said all of the symptoms I witnessed... . The rages, abandonment issues, insecurities, devaluing, splitting, etc?  I have proof of all of this, but she would file charges against me if she knew I told the Dr, but she NEEDS medication!

[tired-of-it-all]

Because of privacy laws the DR can't talk with you or admit that she is being treated.

[an0ught]

Hi kfifd196,

Would it be confidential if I called the DR and said all of the symptoms I witnessed... . The rages, abandonment issues, insecurities, devaluing, splitting, etc?  I have proof of all of this, but she would file charges against me if she knew I told the Dr, but she NEEDS medication!

this is not a simple question. She may not need medication but texting withdrawl if you asked me but then I'm not a professional. And any professional worth their salt won't listen to your idea of medication and will get upset as it would be crossing boundaries.

A Dr. certainly can't talk about her with you but that does not in all cases prevent you providing some information. That is a grey area where a lot depends on situation, location and individuals involved.

You seem to be thinking of escalating on your side (Dr, medication) so has there been recent escalation of her behavior on her side?

[Leap]

This is not really related to texting but to "weird demands" and it is one of the many reasons why I know that my wife is very ill.  We are still married and living in the same house (separate bedrooms).  She says we are "roommates" because that is how it has felt to her for a longtime.  I didn't understand this thinking until recently, when I really began to revisit what BPD is all about.  I was told that she was BPD about 11 yrs ago.  I was not told the extent of her illness at the time but recently, and because things have come to the point that we are "just roommates" I began to really dig into researching this illness.  Ironically, I also did this to try to understand my step-daughters mental illness (DID) which shares a lot of the same characteristics as BPD but has, from my understanding, different causes.  Anyway, my wife says we are just roommates but expects me to continue to do the same things that a husband should do.  She says she thinks it would be better if she were to just leave but when I tentatively begin to agree with her she finds all kinds of reasons not to.  If I start to indicate to her that maybe a divorce would be a good thing she becomes agitated, etc, etc, etc.  I am coming to find that the reason that I cannot understand her is simply because I cannot understand her.  I love her very much but am beginning to realize that love may not be enough.  If we were to get divorced in my mind I would like to continue to have a relationship with her but am also coming to grips with the fact that this may not be possible.  I say this because recently she has been reaching out to some of the "old crowd" i.e. ex-husband, ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend.  I believe she is trying to find something to hold onto because she knows how shattered our own relationship is.  She constantly tells me now that she doesn't know what she wants and I believe her due to my own better understanding of how she thinks.  Unfortunately, these others do not which is making it almost impossible for us to even begin to repair our own relationship.  So even though she says she thinks this is over and she just wants to be "free" she continues to look for someone else, including new people.  Is it to replace me?  I feel that way which hurts and is very confusing but I also am really starting to see how alone and fearful she is, which makes this even worse because if we do split and I cut her off completely it will make that fear and self-loathing even worse for her.  She has also been having mood swings often throughout the day which doesn't help.  So, I guess what I am trying to say is a person must look inside themselves and at the relationship and make the best decision they can in an extremely horrible situation.  I have been reading "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, A Family Guide to Healing and Change" by Valorie Porr, M.A.  lately that has been helping me to better understand what I am dealing with and I do agree with a passage I read that said "trust you own instincts" because a significant other usually spends the most time with and knows the person the best.  This has been somewhat difficult for me because I didn't do it for so long that now it is somewhat strange to me and I have fears that my "instincts" may be misleading me because I want so very much for my wife to be healthy so am I making the same mistakes again.  Also, some of my instincts with her tell me things I don't want to face but must face.  Anyway, I don't know if my ramblings have helped you.  I hope they have if even just a little.  I would strongly recommend you check into the above book.  It has a lot of good information and has helped me some in dealing with my BPD wife.  And also remember, you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill so to try to understand them, at least in my case, may not be possible.  This I can identify with because I am a recovering alcoholic and it is my belief that someone who is not cannot really truly understand it.   

[an0ught]

Hi Leap,

  So, I guess what I am trying to say is a person must look inside themselves and at the relationship and make the best decision they can in an extremely horrible situation.  I have been reading "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, A Family Guide to Healing and Change" by Valorie Porr, M.A.  lately that has been helping me to better understand what I am dealing with and I do agree with a passage I read that said "trust you own instincts" because a significant other usually spends the most time with and knows the person the best.  This has been somewhat difficult for me because I didn't do it for so long that now it is somewhat strange to me and I have fears that my "instincts" may be misleading me because I want so very much for my wife to be healthy so am I making the same mistakes again.  Also, some of my instincts with her tell me things I don't want to face but must face.  Anyway, I don't know if my ramblings have helped you.  I hope they have if even just a little.  I would strongly recommend you check into the above book.  It has a lot of good information and has helped me some in dealing with my BPD wife.  And also remember, you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill so to try to understand them, at least in my case, may not be possible.  This I can identify with because I am a recovering alcoholic and it is my belief that someone who is not cannot really truly understand it.   

you are approaching your situation very much like a decision problem but on the other hand it does not feel like you are ready for a decision. You wonder whether it is right to divorce or not and what would be the implication - a perfect topic on the undecided board - but then you are here on the staying board. A lot of information is very new to you and maybe it is best to acquire skills at this point in time? It is an investment that pays back no matter what happens.

In some sense having gained some distance from you wife will make it easier to start implementing boundaries. Considering the distance that has developed you would need to take care for sufficient validation to maintain connection between the two of you. Both working on boundaries and especially validation will help you to reconnect to your emotions. It is normal that your instincts are confused but don't worry it will come back. Don't be too hard on yourself!

[kfifd196]

Yes, it has escalated... . We have separated and she filed for divorce, blaming me for "ruining the relationship".  I am to blame for everything!  She accepts ZERO responsibility.  We've been basically No Contact since February, other than about our 1 year old daughter.  She is cold as ice to me and I want to save our marriage.  I tried setting boundaries a long time ago and it led to all out anger on her part. saying I was "shutting her down" or "not validating her" or abandoning her.  On February 2, we had a great day, later that night, while the superbowl was on, she accused me of having an affair with Jessica Simpson!  That eventually led to her bringing up, that I don't answer the phone all the time, etc.  So I finally broke down and told her that her parents had told me to set boundaries and not answer everytime around 11:30pm.  She got furious, pushed me and was hysterical.  She threatened to step in front of a bus and I stepped in front of her to calm her down.  Her yelling woke the baby.  She then BIT me and ran out the door, past our screaming baby and left, returning 30min later as if nothing happened.  A few days later, she filed a false TRO against me.  It's crazy!  She's thrown hot tea on me, did $1000 damage to the house, hit me with a ladle etc.  Plus admitted in writing, that she has abandonment issues, insecurities, etc.  The Psych needs to know this, but I can't risk him telling her I told him... . What can I do?

[an0ught]

Hello kfifd196,

thanks for this summary which in its entirety is quite shocking.

The Psych needs to know this, but I can't risk him telling her I told him... . What can I do?

You want to have an impact on her but want to do it through another person. That will risk setting up a Kapman triangle which is not a good thing. Ultimately all parties need to come to the table.

But I also get your concern that you don't want to rock the boat more - it is close to flipping over.

What about reaching out to the Psych's with a short message along the lines (needs work on wording) -

S: I believe I have critical information that will help T understanding problems of wife better

E: I understand that there are limits to what a T can communicate to me or is willing to listen to

T: there have been significant and escalating outbursts of physical violence and suicidal ideation/threats. It may be important for the T to understand the extent of this behavior that may be masked and I'm willing to provide more details.

I trust in your professional integrity to keep the fact of me reaching out to you in strictest confidence. Please let me know under what limitations you are willing to consider my proposal.

This way you get some key information across and state some expectation of confidentiality. You also provide the excuses the T needs to consider your proposal. There are of course always a risk things are leaking out.