one year anniversary

[jellibeans]

Coming up this month is the one year anniversary of my dd16 being released from RTC. Last night she brought this up and is under the impression that she should receive a gift and that there should be a celebration. I was really not looking to making a big deal of it but since it is very important to her then I will organize something. Has anyone else done something similar?

Seems like my dd wants more of the recognition that she is better... .although she has made a lot of improvements she really has a ways to go. I don't want to over do this celebrations but I don't want it to pass without recognizing it in some way... .any feedback is welcomed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Looks like she's practically asking for a pat on the back, jellibeans, so I think I would go with it. Perhaps a little gift and card without going over the top.

Is there anything specific that you can praise eg" We are so proud of the way you are learning to xxx" or"we are so proud of your determination to do xxx" to write in a card.

Accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative (sings)

Anything that's still problematic just ignore?

Sounds like she will be upset if you don't mark it.

[suchsadness]

Hi jellibeans,

Yes - something small that will let her know you want to acknowledge her feelings.  Maybe a dinner together at a place she enjoys - with a card?  I would keep it small but meaningful.  Good luck with doing what feels right 

[jellibeans]

Yes finding the right balance of what to do will be tricky I think but I will try. My older dd comes home from college today and I can't help think this is a way for my dd to continue to have the focus on herself rather  than her sister. It will be an interesting summer and I hope she is able to get through it without crisis. thanks

[jaynebrain]

Hello jellibeans!

First may I say congratulations on your daughter even recognizing that she has made progress this year since her release from RTC.  That's encouraging that she feels she is making progress, right?  How about doing something together?  My daughter and I went to a Color me Mine and she made (painted) herself a dragonfly for her room - a symbol of recovery she said.  We were able to spend time together and it was pretty relaxing.  Thank you for all of your encouragement on this site.  I have benefitted a great deal from your wisdom and honesty. 

[RockLady]

Hello jellibeans!

The fact that your daughter is able to recognize that she is moving toward recovery and wants to be validated is big.  Her sister coming home from college may "steal" some of the attention from her accomplishment.  Letting her know, in some way that is meaningful to her and allows her to "shine" on her own, will communicate to her that you understand and appreciate her hard work.  Do you think a something tangible - jewelery (not expensive), etc. or an experience (mother-daughter mani-pedi, special meal, etc) would work for her? 

RockLady

[jellibeans]

I do think my dd16 has made improvements... .we have had some set back this year. One overdose in Dec and a recent run away but on the whole she has coped better than last year. She still has the ability to just turn on a dime and get very angry but thankfully those times are few.

I do think that her sister returning is something she is some what anxious about. The anniversary is next friday so I will try and think of something fun that night for the whole family. We could go do a fun activity and have dinner. As for a gift she would like money of course and I am not sure I want to do that since we found out she is smoking. We are trying not to give her cash at all. Maybe some balloons and a cake... .nothing too big. thanks everyone

[jellibeans]

Well I woke my dd up in the morning with a big bunch or balloons and flowers... .she was thrilled and very happy... .unlike her usual grumpy self in the morning. That night she invite a friend and we all went out for dinner. I gave her a card filled with gift cards to her favorite fast food places and a little bit of cash. Again she was happy. We had dinner and it mostly went well but as it went on my older daughter and my dd16 had conflict and unfortunately dd16 was very angry by the end of the meal and didn't want dessert. When the waitress came and asked I made sure I mentioned it was her birthday (which it wasn't) and asked her if she was sure she didn't want some cake... .she was still angry and wanted to go now... .the waitress brough our check with a small little shot glass of whipped cream and chocolate and she lit up again with a big smile... .the focus was back on her and she was happy. Once we got home my older daughter gave her her gift and they talked a bit and I guess worked things out.

All and all the night went well and everyone seemed happy enough. I have talked to my older daughter a few times and tried to explain to her that she needs to really think about how she talks to her sister. My older daughter really wasn't so kind but I don't think she meant anything by it. My dd talked about getting a job but didn't want one that was alot of work... .my older daughter didn't like this and made some comments that weren't nice. Then my dd said she wanted to go to Africa on a mission trip... .my older daughter asked her if she could even name 5 countries in africa... .my dd16 could not... .so my dd16 felt she was being picked on and made to feel stupid in front of her friend and she was right... .my older daughter really didn't need to prove she was smarter or had a job etc... .but for some reason she did... .

this summer is only starting and I hope things won't be like this all summer. My older daughter has not come to a place where she can accept her sister... .she wants her sister to grow up... .get a job... .not be so lazy... .I told her it might appear that her sister was this way and maybe at times she is but on the whole dd struggles and things don't come easy for her... .things come very easy for my older daughter... .she is a very high achiever... .made the Dean's list... .Athlete that swims on the college team yet she still need to show up her sister... .not sure how I can help that whole situation... .

That is the update... .two weeks left of school... .I am counting the days!

[pessim-optimist]

I am happy for your dd16 jellibeans!

It must have taken some effort to keep the whole situation as peaceful as possible... .

I think that your older daughter could really benefit from a lesson in empathy... .Not that you can force it down her throat, though. Do you think that sibling rivalry may be an issue here for your older one? I have observed that in several older siblings in the families that I have known that the older one tends to resent the fact that they had it harder as far as parental expectations and discipline and their younger sibling is getting away with things they didn't. So they sometimes tend to dish out what they think is fair when the parents aren't being 'tough enough' on the youngster, according to their opinion... .

[jellibeans]

Yes pessim-optimist... .that is actually what my older dd does. We do have different standards for them both... .my older one is capable of a lot more and we expect it... .she feels like my dd16 is getting away with stuff... .I tell her she is not her parent and that is my job... .it is not her place to be tough on dd16... .not that being tough would get you anywhere... .I am sending my older daughter away in June to train in florida for 10 days... that is for the sake of all our sanity. My older daughter just tolerates dd16... .they really are not very close but I hope they end up doing a few things together this summer... .2 weeks and counting... .I so want the school year to end!

[griz]

Hi jellibeans:  I haven't been around for a while, just reading now and then, however I can tell you when I saw your post about your two daughters it certainly rang a bell.  My older daughter, 6 years apart,  Also very often had issues with what my DD "got away with" and what was expected of her as oppose to her sister.  She wasn't wrong but as most of us know we give each child what they need.  My older one did not need as much as DD in terms of attention.  We fought about this often and one time we had such a big arguement over this that we didn't talk for three days.  I finally took her out to dinner, just her and I, and what I said to her really helped.

I validated her feelings.  I explained to her that although my older brother is not BPD all his life he had a mutitude of issues.  He was the needy one. I was the hard worker, independent and successful and yet no matter how well I did I felt overshadowed by my brothers neediness.  It always felt like he was more important and YES IT MADE ME SOO ANGRY.  I explained to her that I didn't understand what my parents went through until I walked in their shoes and that I was sorry if I didn't notice the effect this was having on her.  We talked for a long time and in the end I enlisted her help.  I told her that I was not a perfect parent, just doing the best that I can and that sometimes I am so bone weary from it all that I just give in or make mistakes.  I asked for her help and we discussed the best way she could help me and we set things in motion.  Here were the rules:  She was not to act like a parent to DD but she could certainly bring things to my attention and maybe come up with alternate ways to help DD. Is she thought I handled something wrong I told her I would welcome her insight as long as it was delivered respectfully and I asked her to do one other thing.  I asked her when she had a moment if she would look back at her teenage years.  The fun she had in high school, the excitement of going away to college for all four years, the ability to have a car right after she got her license, and all the friends she had .  And I asked her when she was done thinking about it would she trade all of that for the struggles her sister has. 

Our lives are not perfect by any means but things have gotten alot better.  My older daughter has pointed some things out to me and at times she has given me some very good advice. DD has come a long way and as she has matured I see them getting closer day by day.  I think part of it is also normal sibling rivalry.

I think  your daughters will get closer as they get older also and I am so happy for the tremendous progress your DD16 has made.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Thank you Griz for your post... .it really brought tears to my eyes... .I will try to talk to my older daughter... .what you wrote was very helpful. I am sure I can talk with her and hopefully their relationship will improve as they get older. I have told them that when they are older and I am not around anymore they are going to need each other. I am afraid it will be a little one sided with my daughters but that is what I expect from both of them. My dd16 is doing better this year... .she has a ways to go but I do see improvement. Thanks again for your post... .it really got to me