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Author Topic: Shes contacting me again  (Read 4400 times)
Split black
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« on: May 08, 2014, 02:47:47 PM »

Im incredulous... . although I know I shouldn't be. But I am regardless. For the 3rd time in 6 days shes texted me. Keep in mind this contact was after I broke NC after two months... . was shut down, but then met her briefly the following day where I disappointed her because I didnt bring her some substance she was requesting. This was a couple of weeks ago, then I went away for the weekend to return to a viscous smear campaign ( for no reason)  to ruin my life ( not exaggerating that)

Not even a week later I get a text that said... . I have a business proposal... . then another that said c'mon call.  And just yesterday another text that said... . U alive? 

I never responded to her attacks... . I just haven't responded and have maintained total NC. 

It triggers me, and aggravates me that shes texting me after these egregious acts. She knows right from wrong. Obviously she still has no boundaries although this fact has been brought up to her by many... . What motivation could she possibly have? Fear of retaliation? Sadism? I suppose it doesn't matter... . and my phone is so cheap I cant block her with it. ugh.
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2014, 03:18:20 PM »

I just haven't responded and have maintained total NC.  

It triggers me, and aggravates me that shes texting me after these egregious acts.

I agree that this is where the rubber meets the road in NC.   The fact that you have maintained it is something I hope you give yourself credit for doing -- because you are, ultimately, doing it for yourself.

The triggers are, of course, the more difficult things to process because we are all loaded with emotion.  What emotions follow the triggers?   I'm not an expert, but I used to avoid the emotions, until I could not anymore.

We're here for you.
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Split black
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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2014, 03:56:47 PM »

I just haven't responded and have maintained total NC.  

It triggers me, and aggravates me that shes texting me after these egregious acts.

I agree that this is where the rubber meets the road in NC.   The fact that you have maintained it is something I hope you give yourself credit for doing -- because you are, ultimately, doing it for yourself.

The triggers are, of course, the more difficult things to process because we are all loaded with emotion.  What emotions follow the triggers?   I'm not an expert, but I used to avoid the emotions, until I could not anymore.

We're here for you.

Credit... awesome... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   I was addicted to this girl no doubt... . its hard to not respond. I want to tazer her in the temple. ( kidding... . sort of, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) )  If I did respond I would be more pathetic then she is because I have no excuse... . Climbing out of the abyss which was her, with every contact by her to me, loosens my finger hold in that soul sucking well of misery. Thank the gods I work out. Im not falling back in... . no way.  NC... .   detachment leads to freedom. ( my mantra)

Thanks for being here everyone. 
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Split black
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« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2014, 07:00:13 PM »

I have to confess... . her lame contact has set me back for the entire day and into the night. I have to find a way to block her texts or change my number... . the effect she has on me is not rational.  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2014, 07:01:03 PM »

It's funny b/c sometimes I'm hopeful he'll contact... some sort of validation... .

But honestly, it's probably best he does not.

Don't respond whatever you do! Sucked back into the abyss you will be!
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Split black
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« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2014, 07:14:17 PM »

It's funny b/c sometimes I'm hopeful he'll contact... some sort of validation... .

But honestly, it's probably best he does not.

Don't respond whatever you do! Sucked back into the abyss you will be!

I will not contact her, I wont, I wont,, I wont ... . and trust me you dont need validation... . you dont want it... . mine is contacting me after trying to totally ruin my reputation and life... . and then just decides to contact... . to wonder why I didnt retaliate?, fear I might?, gloat over the damage? To cheat yet again on her bf who used to be her ex before me? To triangulate me with him and her parade of other ex fu*ks? She knows what shes done, what she just did... . and still the non pulsed attempt to re engage. So narcissistic, such a lack of empathy. I waste my whole day... .    ruminating... . she takes less then 10 seconds to send a text before her bird brain moves on to whatever gets her thru a day. No... . you truly do not want or need any validation from him. Save it for your next lover... . someone who will appreciate you.
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2014, 07:15:36 PM »

It's funny b/c sometimes I'm hopeful he'll contact... some sort of validation... .

But honestly, it's probably best he does not.

Don't respond whatever you do! Sucked back into the abyss you will be!

I will not contact her, I wont, I wont,, I wont ... . and trust me you dont need validation... . you dont want it... . mine is contacting me after trying to totally ruin my reputation and life... . and then just decides to contact... . to wonder why I didnt retaliate?, fear I might?, gloat over the damage? She knows what shes done, what she just did... . and still the non pulsed attempt to re engage. So narcissistic, such a lack of empathy. I waste my whole day ruminating... . she takes less then 10 seconds to send a text before her bird brain moves on to whatever gets her thru a day.

LOL. Yep. Exactly.
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clover528
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« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2014, 09:22:55 PM »

I have been dealing with the random texts, smear campaigns, hate, torture. I still have set backs. I have recycled so much that I cant even place a break up date on it all. He is now married to the woman he moved in within weeks of us ending things. I had contact off and on since then and that was over a year ago. Still they both contact me now. ( I havent replied in over two months). I get sexual texts( of him and her). Photos of him and her. Pictures of what they had for supper. Even pay stubs. He was unemployed and losing everything until a month ago. ( She is taking credit for saving him and he is giving her all the praise * idealization*). She is bragging. He is bragging.  I am the cause of the worlds problems according to them. ( devaluation) Im still broken,  still sick, and a mess. I am not replying but NC scares me. I have tried and he would threaten or show up etc... . No contact from him or her would be wonderful. I actually had a whole 8 days once. It was cathartic! I hurt, but not nearly as much as the salt in the wound this nonsense brings. I read here. I try to detach. I am reading self help books at every free opportunity also, as others have said. I still miss that incredibly sick man. I still feel cheated. I still care. It sucks! But I will keep on keeping on and make it another day! So will we all. The mind knows but the heart refuses to accept. We will get there.
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« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2014, 09:52:47 PM »

Wow, she's really something else, isn't she?  Stay strong, SB.  Maintain NC.  After all she has put you through, there really isn't any point in going back.  I know you know this.  Just stay strong.  Ignore her.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2014, 10:04:46 PM »

I have been dealing with the random texts, smear campaigns, hate, torture. I still have set backs. I have recycled so much that I cant even place a break up date on it all. He is now married to the woman he moved in within weeks of us ending things. I had contact off and on since then and that was over a year ago. Still they both contact me now. ( I havent replied in over two months). I get sexual texts( of him and her). Photos of him and her. Pictures of what they had for supper. Even pay stubs. He was unemployed and losing everything until a month ago. ( She is taking credit for saving him and he is giving her all the praise * idealization*). She is bragging. He is bragging.  I am the cause of the worlds problems according to them. ( devaluation) Im still broken,  still sick, and a mess. I am not replying but NC scares me. I have tried and he would threaten or show up etc... . No contact from him or her would be wonderful. I actually had a whole 8 days once. It was cathartic! I hurt, but not nearly as much as the salt in the wound this nonsense brings. I read here. I try to detach. I am reading self help books at every free opportunity also, as others have said. I still miss that incredibly sick man. I still feel cheated. I still care. It sucks! But I will keep on keeping on and make it another day! So will we all. The mind knows but the heart refuses to accept. We will get there.

Wow, those are some truly sick games your ex is playing with you.  Is there any way you can shut him (and her) out for good?  How is he contacting you?  Can you block him?  If you don't have any children together, maybe you should consider cutting him out of your life entirely.  It doesn't really sound like he is adding anything of value to it.   So sorry you are going through this.  I can only imagine how hard it must be.  Be good to yourself and look out for YOU!   
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« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2014, 10:07:34 PM »

You are doing an amazing job maintaining NC split black, and everyone. It was 8 weeks yesterday NC for me, and I still want to hear from him. I no longer want him back, I just want to see that he recognises he misses me and how good I was to him. I want to close the door in his face without a word. It's probably good he hasn't contacted me, things must be going well with my ex best friend( replacement ) but I do secretly wish he would reach out so I can kick his butt to the curb. Smiling (click to insert in post) for me that would be closure.
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2014, 10:09:47 PM »

You are doing an amazing job maintaining NC split black, and everyone. It was 8 weeks yesterday NC for me, and I still want to hear from him. I no longer want him back, I just want to see that he recognises he misses me and how good I was to him. I want to close the door in his face without a word. It's probably good he hasn't contacted me, things must be going well with my ex best friend( replacement ) but I do secretly wish he would reach out so I can kick his butt to the curb. Smiling (click to insert in post) for me that would be closure.

I really miss him right now... A part of me wants contact too...

So sick of the ups and downs start off good end off bad and vice versa.

When will it end?

Not trying to hijack. So grateful for this board.
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« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2014, 10:13:34 PM »

I will not contact her, I wont, I wont,, I wont ... . and trust me you dont need validation... . you dont want it... . mine is contacting me after trying to totally ruin my reputation and life... . and then just decides to contact... . to wonder why I didnt retaliate?, fear I might?, gloat over the damage? To cheat yet again on her bf who used to be her ex before me? To triangulate me with him and her parade of other ex fu*ks? She knows what shes done, what she just did... . and still the non pulsed attempt to re engage. So narcissistic, such a lack of empathy. I waste my whole day... .    ruminating... . she takes less then 10 seconds to send a text before her bird brain moves on to whatever gets her thru a day. No... . you truly do not want or need any validation from him. Save it for your next lover... . someone who will appreciate you.

It's painful and hurtful, I'm sorry Split black. My replacement moved in with ex just over a week ago. She is emailing me more daily now, up to 6-7 messages a day. She is accusatory, blaming, aggressive in some emails. E-mail bombs. It really has nothing to do with me. It's something that is going on in her life, she may feel engulfment or she needs soothing. Depersonalize the behavior, try to get to indifference. It takes time, these texts are not making it easy. You understand that she is triggering you, you're thinking about changing your number. You have a good idea there, it will give you distance to sort your feelings and heal.
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« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2014, 10:18:03 PM »

Cosmonaut,  

I have tried and it isnt working well. We have a complicated situation. ( read my past posts). Yes there are children involved but like I said it is very complicated. I am praying they will eventually go away. I dont have faith they will though.Should they come by my home again, I am pursuing stalking charges against them. I have police reports and tons of evidence. The bad part is I will have to face them both in court and testify.  I am not responding to their obvious taunts and attempts to get a response from me. I wont engage it. He even sent me a personal message that I am not sure the meaning of. It was like he wanted me to know something special ( from his past that I had encouraged him to pursue) had come to fruition. It wasnt mean spirited, or maybe it was and the meaning got lost in translation. But all the contact from them bot only hurts. There is no good coming from it. after all is said and done, I will not go back to the abuse. EVER. Thank you for your message. We all have so much to overcome. This board is a life saver!
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« Reply #14 on: May 08, 2014, 10:23:38 PM »

split black, Stay strong! You are doing the right thing coming here for advice. From someone who should have done more adhering to the advice given, I will reeenforce that idea and say listen to those who are further along in this journey. No contact is best. It wont change if you talk to her. Sure she may be your best friend for whatever moment in time it suits her. but after all you have endured , enough is enough. Please come here and post in those weak moments. This site will help you. In every way. You can do it!
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« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2014, 12:41:21 AM »

I will not contact her, I wont, I wont,, I wont ... . and trust me you dont need validation... . you dont want it... . mine is contacting me after trying to totally ruin my reputation and life... . and then just decides to contact... . to wonder why I didnt retaliate?, fear I might?, gloat over the damage? To cheat yet again on her bf who used to be her ex before me? To triangulate me with him and her parade of other ex fu*ks? She knows what shes done, what she just did... . and still the non pulsed attempt to re engage. So narcissistic, such a lack of empathy. I waste my whole day... .    ruminating... . she takes less then 10 seconds to send a text before her bird brain moves on to whatever gets her thru a day. No... . you truly do not want or need any validation from him. Save it for your next lover... . someone who will appreciate you.

It's painful and hurtful, I'm sorry Split black. My replacement moved in with ex just over a week ago. She is emailing me more daily now, up to 6-7 messages a day. She is accusatory, blaming, aggressive in some emails. E-mail bombs. It really has nothing to do with me. It's something that is going on in her life, she may feel engulfment or she needs soothing. Depersonalize the behavior, try to get to indifference. It takes time, these texts are not making it easy. You understand that she is triggering you, you're thinking about changing your number. You have a good idea there, it will give you distance to sort your feelings and heal.

Like Mutt said above working on depersonalizing is good goal.  Split have you practiced wise mind techniques?   These could help you when she does this not tailspin.

Excerpt
   Obviously she still has no boundaries although this fact has been brought up to her by many... . What motivation could she possibly have?

Realistically the motivation could be she just misses you.  If this is BPD she's not going to have a lot of impulse control and if there's been intermittent reinforcement before she's going with what has always worked.   This is typical for all humans.

What's important to you?   Remind yourself of that and think of your future.   It reallyisn't about her being heartless to provide you with a way to detach as it may be about looking at the value conflicts and how you don't fit in each other's lives.   
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« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2014, 01:11:59 AM »

This site is helping me so much.  I had to deal with the contact again from my exBPD today.  It hasn't been all that long, recycles, but I realize all contact is to be avoided.  Given, i do have to have a little contact until I get back in town this weekend, and her things will be in my front yard to be picked up.  This is probably the only way.  I'm trying to get the strength to do that.  One thing turns into another thing, etc...   Everyday is hard, hurtful and emotional, but you are doing what you should be doing.  What happened before right?  Nothing good, that "used" feeling.  We react how we feel to react, not how we want to react.  It's a good question, my mom gave me that one.  Good luck
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« Reply #17 on: May 10, 2014, 04:16:05 PM »

Thanks everyone... .    Im staying strong... . worst times are before I fall asleep and before I wake in the morning... . mostly Im angry now...   I just cant allow myself to be used anymore. Its really hard no doubt... . but the longer you stay NC the better it gets... . from the day I was shattered by this to now feels like a million years ago and feels like minutes ago.

Shes made her bed... . There is no going back... . whatever good and fun times we had dont add up the insane self centered impulse-less things I had to suck up.

Shes not stupid... . shes a very bright manipulator and that is all she can do. There is no amount of talking, explaining or reasoning that isnt turned against me at some point. There was no reason for her to rationally do the things she did... . I gave her no reason. I was always kind,fun, generous to a fault and treated her like a princess... . Im a street smart guy... . I saw the red flags... .

So... . at the end of the day... . I can only hope that those were her last texts... .   took her one second to reach out... . a passing thought... .   Ive already wasted too much time debating what she really wants... . What she wants to know is if im alive after the incredible smear... . and probably why I didnt retaliate because Im sure thats what she would have done... . or shes bored yet again with her ex BF that she demonized to me for a year... . or I was an easy target... . and once you demonize someone, like shes done to me... . Its easy to hurt them over and over... . because well... . they deserve it.  Enough.
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« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2014, 04:56:12 PM »

There is no amount of talking, explaining or reasoning that isnt turned against me at some point. There was no reason for her to rationally do the things she did... .

I agree. No amount of justifying, defending or rationalizing our positions is acknowledged by our exes.

She is mentally ill. This is a serious disorder. She functions within the confines of her abilities and reality. Her reality is as real to her, as ours is to us. Take care of you Split black.
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« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2014, 02:15:18 PM »

My heart goes out to you, Clover. I've been in your shoes, know how confusing/frightening it is to find yourself so actively/unfairly being targeted with so much hate-filled, antagonistic nonsense. Makes what's already a very difficult process of detaching, healing, and moving on just so very much harder.

Triangulation together (as victim and rescuer) against you (as perpetrator) is obviously fundamental to maintaining the psychological/emotional bond they have with one another. He edits the truth about your past together, as well as the interactions you're having with one another, in order to get her to pay attention to, feel sorry for, sympathize with, comfort, and otherwise make him feel wanted/cared about. She, on the other hand, gets to feel needed/wanted/important to/idealized by him in return for responding to him in this way.

You've probably always been the bad guy - the horrible monster who tortured him day/night, and from whom he was seeking sanctuary/escape/protection through her. It drew them together, and it's what they go back to anytime their relationship with one another starts to get shaky - which - because he has BPD - happens any/every time he gets triggered/dysregulates.

You have no control over this. It will happen whether you have contact with them or not. It will happen whether you decide to get directly involved by responding to whatever they say about/do to you or not. This is their game. They make all the rules, and you're never going to win/be treated with the consideration/respect/courtesy you actually deserve no matter what you say/do. All that matters, to/for both of them, is that you continue to play. If you don't, they'll have to find someone/something else to play instead - and doing so comes with the very real risk that it won't work/won't be enough to keep them together - or, worse, will end up leaving both of them to play that role for one another until a suitable substitute can once again be found.

I know how confusing/frightening their efforts to keep you playing can become - and just how much you can end up worrying about what one, the other, or both of them might say/do if you don't give let them say/do or give them whatever it is they seem to want - ESPECIALLY when there are children involved.

I found myself surrendering to their machinations several times for that reason, and, in fact, was only physically/emotionally able to go NC once I was sure my kids were as safe from being further used/harmed by both of them as they could be.

Do what you can/are able to do to make yourself feel as safe as possible right now. Shift your focus away from trying to understand it/make it stop, and onto what it will take to get yourself to a place where you can feel just as safe, if not actually safer, having no contact with either one of them at all. As difficult as that may seem, it is possible. Believe in that. Work toward it. You'll get there, and - trust me - it will be worth every minute/dollar/sacrifice you had to make to do it.

Biggest of hugs.

- TC

Dang! Didn't realize this thread was started by splitblack, rather than clover, til I posted my response. Sorry!
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« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2014, 08:04:45 PM »

So narcissistic, such a lack of empathy. I waste my whole day... .    ruminating... . she takes less then 10 seconds to send a text before her bird brain moves on to whatever gets her thru a day.

I suddenly have a whole new sense of gratitude about the fact that my technophobic ex pwBPD could never figure out how to send a text. She saw her technical illiteracy as a virtue and after your tale of woe, I see it that way too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #21 on: May 12, 2014, 07:02:42 PM »

- TC

Dang! Didn't realize this thread was started by splitblack, rather than clover, til I posted my response. Sorry!

No worries... .   its been a solid 5 days since her last text. I hate it that I even know that... . 12 days since the ones before that... .

Ive got a date tonight... . the sun was shining all day, I dont think about her too much these days... . except when she texts... . Ive decided to change numbers, not that shes text bombing me, but just because it does trigger me... . the audacity. So, unfortunately for mine... . her world is much the same as before I entered it a year ago. Self medicating, and using an endless amount of guys for her narcissistic supply... . cant even call her a triangulater. More like hexagoner... . whatever... . She should legally have to wear a warning label.
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« Reply #22 on: May 12, 2014, 07:04:15 PM »

So narcissistic, such a lack of empathy. I waste my whole day... .    ruminating... . she takes less then 10 seconds to send a text before her bird brain moves on to whatever gets her thru a day.

I suddenly have a whole new sense of gratitude about the fact that my technophobic ex pwBPD could never figure out how to send a text. She saw her technical illiteracy as a virtue and after your tale of woe, I see it that way too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

haha... . for real? Where did you find this one? Naaa... . never mind. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #23 on: May 29, 2014, 05:54:38 PM »

Update... . ugh... .

Since her last attempt at the beginning of the month and then again a week later... . after she tried to ruin my via a smear campaign... .   I ignored and had not heard a thing... . till today

Two more texts... . first one says " are you ok man?"   Like a moron I responded... why why why... . Im so pissed at myself.  I said... . yes, Im Ok.   THAT was all I said... . then I recieved another one that said " I saw you 3 times you looked horrible and sad."   To which I responded... .   sad? No... . just a lot on my mind... . and then Horrible? No, Im pretty sure I dont look horrible"   That was it.  No response.

But the toxicity lingers and I actually communicated with her, something I said I wouldn't do again. Now she knows I exist. She knows my number is in use... . and all I did was allow her to tell me she thought I looked horrible... . lolol  Thank god im dating and I know I do not. But the ego smash was hurtful... . you would think she would say something less stupid. 

She didnt respond back... .   and Im bugged out.  But actually... .   not so much now that I think about it.  Is what it is... .    People... . there is no reason to break NC... . none. You will never get what you want, you will never feel better... . they will never acknowledge the ___ they did. Never ... . I suck... . why did I answer those texts... . damn it!
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« Reply #24 on: May 29, 2014, 06:20:13 PM »

Maybe the reason she didn't respond back to you was because your responses were not what she wanted = You didn't say you are sad and struggling and want her back. So she waited till after the third time of seeing you looking horrible and sad to check on you? Probably all just bs.




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« Reply #25 on: May 29, 2014, 06:22:19 PM »

Because if you're anything like me... . It's rude not to. It goes against every fibre in my being. If someone asks you a question, you answer. Speak when you're spoken to.

But not with BPD exes  I've been NC for 11 weeks and he's just returned home from interstate. I am sure hell drop by like nothing has happened. I was so prepared to just shut the door in his face. But as time goes on, the bad things he did and the pain and anger has subsided a bit. And I feel weaker. If he came to the door today I'd probably speak. Not engage or recycle I don't want him anywhere near me, but I might speak.

Because I feel more detached now, and I feel it would be rude not to say something.

Or at least listen.

But there's nothing new to say. I imagine his talk would be about why he tried to f my best friend days after ditching me. I've got no response to that. Not one I'd share with him anyway.

But even listening to him talk would cause me pain and I can't take anymore of that.

I will not speak to him. Just decided that Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Thanks for your post split black.

It reinforces why we stay NC, when with time we forget why.

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I'm sure you don't look sad and horrible. On the other hand I think I probably do  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #26 on: May 29, 2014, 06:31:01 PM »

What motivation could she possibly have? Fear of retaliation? Sadism? I suppose it doesn't matter... . and my phone is so cheap I cant block her with it. ugh.

Her motivation is simple: she wants to ENGAGE with you. To some BPDs, engagement is everything, even if it's a negative engagement. It's what they thrive on. They're also very good at manipulation, and they know that people are taught to be polite, so they know you'll be inclined to answer, if only not to be a jerk. But in this case, you have every reason to be "rude." Remember that.

Here's a thought: see if your carrier will change the number. Or if the phone's really that cheap, tell your carrier it was stolen, and they'll issue you another one with a different number. Good luck texting you then.  

But seriously, a lot of these folks are all about engaging you, even if it's a bad engagement. They thrive on drama and disorder. You're doing the right thing to not respond. Hopefully she'll move on to her next "mark" after she figures out you're a dry well for drama.
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« Reply #27 on: May 29, 2014, 08:30:38 PM »

Set backs happen!  Don't worry about it!  After being dumped with a replacement already established she hasn't contacted me in a month.  A few weeks after we broke up I contacted an X of hers and enlightened him.  A few hours later she called me and I didn't answer.  A few days later I broke down again!  I called her twice to apologize for my actions but only left messages and got no response.  I have decided that NC is my best bet and most importantly, I'm going NC for ME!  I'm not mad at her, I have read a lot about her disorder and know some of her history.  I can't believe that there's people like her who might live their lives with this most devastating problem.  I see her as a child more now that it's over and it makes me also see her family's role in her development.  I can see now how out of control she is.  We never had an argument or even a fight but she lied, cheated and blameshifted to her friends as needed through the breakups and recycles.  Not sure when or if she will contact me but I'll do my best at that time.  That's all we can do or expect from ourselves.
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« Reply #28 on: May 29, 2014, 10:51:41 PM »

Split Back at this point all you can do is forgive yourself. We have all caved in and it would seem that whenever we do we get kicked in the teeth and they never admit to anything that they have done. It's soo painful.  I am really feeling for you. I know that pain and emptiness and the self-loathing. God they are such sick people. It's just a game of control to them.

I got so fed up with the whole situation and myself one day and just decided that I had had enough.  She had done a drive-bye after a year of NC.  She pulled in after her 5th drive-by and I told her to leave.  After she left I thought for a nanosecond the I was being rude and angry (wrong... . I was protecting myself from satan)... . so I called her. MISTAKE. My Mom had recently died and she brings up the topic and wants to tell me about a dream she had about my parents (she never met my father). Mind you she gave me no support for the year my mother was sick and dying... . I tell her I do not want to hear about a dream she had about my parents while she was sleeping with the man that she left me for. How could I not.

She just starts to trash my mother.  The woman never said or did an unkind thing to her.

I hung up the phone. Called my therapist... . and talked it over with her. I had REALLY had enough. I sent my ex a very carefully composed voice message, I calmly told her what I though of her (no swearing), what she had done and how she had treated me. I told her that I had character, dignity and honesty. I told her that she had no character, and that she was not a worthwhile person. I told her how she had treated every man that loved her the same exact way and that it had NOTHING to do with me.I told her that she was not the person that I thought she was at all. ... . and then I told her to stay OUT of my life. I REALLY meant it.  I did not have any encounters for a couple of years. My message had been VERY effective.

I have NEVER  talked to her again. It's been years. I live in the same town. She occasionally tries to walk up to me if she is alone. I ALWAYS walk away. It upsets me... . every time... . but I KNOW that I am loving me. I will get nothing more from her than I got the last time. She is a sick person. She thinks there is nothing wrong with her or her behavior.

Split back, you can get there... . it's just this: when is ENOUGH going to be enough for YOU?

I had to dig really deep and decide to love me. You can do that too... . in your own time.

I am sad that you are suffering at the beck and call of one of these creatures.
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« Reply #29 on: June 02, 2014, 10:56:09 PM »

Split Back at this point all you can do is forgive yourself. We have all caved in and it would seem that whenever we do we get kicked in the teeth and they never admit to anything that they have done.

Split back, you can get there... . it's just this: when is ENOUGH going to be enough for YOU?

I had to dig really deep and decide to love me. You can do that too... . in your own time.

I am sad that you are suffering at the beck and call of one of these creatures.

The day after this happened she texted again... . pure provocation. Pure trying to engage. I wasnt giving her the ego spew that she required so she started in with I look " mad old"  Then on to how I was a monster who lied and manipulated her. I asked her what this was about... . asked her to leave me alone and to just stop. Told her that if she believed her own bull___ that was fine but leave me out of it. She countered with I hate you... . and that she is ruining my name btw.  So she continues to smear.

I have ignored her for months and months at this point. I just got sucked back in to the abyss and feel like crap now... . not as bad as a thought but at least I stopped texting. She texted me 27 times... . I texted her 9. Nine too many.

In the end she was trying to sell me something... . as if I could trust her to sell me anything... .   just unbelievable.

NC again... .   So many peaceful days and nights... . stress free... . no drama... . and then this history re-writing lunatic texts and texts.  Oh yeah... . I did say one thing... . told her I never expected to have contact with her again... . and I told her I wont in the future unless she can admit and acknowledge and apologize for all the hurt and grief shes caused to so many... . she texts back " no apology"   And goes on with her sales pitch which I ignored and turned my phone off... . that was a couple of days ago.

Im sorry that I keep posting this same stuff on the board... . its as if I take a few steps forward and then one back. Im so sick of it.
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« Reply #30 on: June 02, 2014, 11:12:36 PM »

What motivation could she possibly have? Fear of retaliation? Sadism? I suppose it doesn't matter... . and my phone is so cheap I cant block her with it. ugh.

Her motivation is simple: she wants to ENGAGE with you. To some BPDs, engagement is everything, even if it's a negative engagement. It's what they thrive on. They're also very good at manipulation, and they know that people are taught to be polite, so they know you'll be inclined to answer, if only not to be a jerk. But in this case, you have every reason to be "rude." Remember that.

Here's a thought: see if your carrier will change the number. Or if the phone's really that cheap, tell your carrier it was stolen, and they'll issue you another one with a different number. Good luck texting you then.  

But seriously, a lot of these folks are all about engaging you, even if it's a bad engagement. They thrive on drama and disorder. You're doing the right thing to not respond. Hopefully she'll move on to her next "mark" after she figures out you're a dry well for drama.

I agree... . she didnt know if I was alive or what I was thinking. It was bliss... . she was horrible in her smear campaign... it was crazy... . calling my ex wife, friends, telling them incredible stories with no truth what so ever... . I was just putting out fires every where... . she was laughing in bed with whom ever shes with... . I think its her ex ... . the guy she demonized to me, plus who knows how many others... . the reason I gave her money to leave his place and set her up in her own apt.  ugh... .  
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« Reply #31 on: June 02, 2014, 11:13:32 PM »

Don't feel sorry at all, SplitBlack.  We're here for you, man, and I know how much your ex continuing to contact you is affecting you.  I'm really sorry she is continuing to hurt you.  I can appreciate how much it would tear me up if my ex was doing these same sort of games with me.  Hang in there.

Do you think any good can come of further contact with her?  :)o you think it might be better to block her so that you don't have to deal with these reengagements any longer?  I know that can seem very cruel, and it can be very hard to do, but it might be worth it for your peace of mind.  I just hate to see her continue to do this to you.  You don't deserve this.

Keep posting, man.  We understand and we can all sympathize.  

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« Reply #32 on: June 02, 2014, 11:17:42 PM »

Yep, keep posting dude. We're listening. I know how hard it is not to defend yourself, even when you know it's sheer provocation.

I agree that it's a good idea to try blocking her by any means necessary. If you can't read it you can't respond to it.
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« Reply #33 on: June 02, 2014, 11:27:01 PM »

SplitBlack... . yeah... . the only thing I had to hold onto for a longtime was how I behaved even when she was running off with someone else and lying about. All those lies she told, and the smear campaigns to make herself look innocent... . she lied to everyone, her Mom, her Dad, Step Mom, stepDad, me, the guy she hooked up with, her best friend, her therapist... . on and on and on... .

It was very, very painful... . but I really cared about her so I acted like a caring, loving adult and gave her her space (not knowing about the guy and all the lies at first)... . I made it easy for her to move out, etc.  I felt like a fool in the beginning because that just made it easier for her... . but the farther I got away from it, I was so proud of me. I did not act like her. I really liked me and how I behaved... . and I was all I had.  TOTALLY her loss.
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« Reply #34 on: June 03, 2014, 12:27:17 AM »

Yes infared that's the best thing with the way mine ended too. With dignity and respect from my end. I walked away without a word with my head held high while he and my best friend chummed up behind my back. I never said a word. No confrontation. God it hurt that betrayal.

But good riddance to them both. I was the only decent person they had in their lives. Karma. It's already biting them. They are no longer speaking to each other.
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« Reply #35 on: June 03, 2014, 05:48:58 AM »

Split Black... . I read over what you are going thru here, again just now. I know I have made the same repetitive mistakes as you. In my case, I am in recovery for substance abuse ( for years now), and these interactions IMHO are addiction, straight out. Nothing truly changed for me until I got serious. With the support of my therapist, friends and my 12-step program I made a really big commitment to myself. I changed my phone number. Scary stuff, because I was taking profound action to truly take care of me, and stop the insanity. I was not doing it out of anger, or "get even", or any of that... . I was doing it out of self-love to take me away from harm. It was really frightening,  but I was calling myself on my crap and making the definitive move, for the right reasons. My letting go. Then "I" knew there would be no more nonsense. Lots of FEAR on my part. Facing it with an action, not words. It was a weird and painful "saying goodbye". ... . Very unsettling ... . she ran off with another guy, and in the end "I" had to end it. Truly twisted. ... . but definitely the road to healing. When I looked it in the eye I had to finally take responsibility for me. I needed a lot of support to make that change, I could not have done it alone.
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« Reply #36 on: June 03, 2014, 03:49:22 PM »

[/quote]
Don't feel sorry at all, SplitBlack.  We're here for you, man, and I know how much your ex continuing to contact you is affecting you.  I'm really sorry she is continuing to hurt you.  I can appreciate how much it would tear me up if my ex was doing these same sort of games with me.  Hang in there.

Do you think any good can come of further contact with her?  :)o you think it might be better to block her so that you don't have to deal with these reengagements any longer?  I know that can seem very cruel, and it can be very hard to do, but it might be worth it for your peace of mind.  I just hate to see her continue to do this to you.  You don't deserve this.

Keep posting, man.  We understand and we can all sympathize.  

There can be absolutely zero good coming from any contact... . its so frustrating. In all my life I have never had a situation... . in business or real life where there was a complete and utter lack of accepting responsibility. Just totally blame shifts and denies to justify her actions... . at this point I shouldnt be surprised but I always am.

Yes infared that's the best thing with the way mine ended too. With dignity and respect from my end. I walked away without a word with my head held high while he and my best friend chummed up behind my back. I never said a word. No confrontation. God it hurt that betrayal.

But good riddance to them both. I was the only decent person they had in their lives. Karma. It's already biting them. They are no longer speaking to each other.



I walked away as well... . finally... . but its hard not to confront. No matter how well versed or articulate I try to be, its reduced by her hateful comments... . Im a monster, I manipulated her, I did this I did that... . when the behavior was hers... . honestly I treated her like a princess. My crime was to bust her cheating and confront her for the 4th time... . ugh. Totally black after that. All my fault somehow.

Split Black... . I read over what you are going thru here, again just now. I know I have made the same repetitive mistakes as you. In my case, I am in recovery for substance abuse ( for years now), and these interactions IMHO are addiction, straight out. Nothing truly changed for me until I got serious. With the support of my therapist, friends and my 12-step program I made a really big commitment to myself. I changed my phone number. Scary stuff, because I was taking profound action to truly take care of me, and stop the insanity. I was not doing it out of anger, or "get even", or any of that... . I was doing it out of self-love to take me away from harm. It was really frightening,  but I was calling myself on my crap and making the definitive move, for the right reasons. My letting go. Then "I" knew there would be no more nonsense. Lots of FEAR on my part. Facing it with an action, not words. It was a weird and painful "saying goodbye". ... . Very unsettling ... . she ran off with another guy, and in the end "I" had to end it. Truly twisted. ... . but definitely the road to healing. When I looked it in the eye I had to finally take responsibility for me. I needed a lot of support to make that change, I could not have done it alone.

Yeah, Im a grown ass man... . and Ive been reduced to therapy too... . been going for months. It helps and Im clinically addicted ... . like post traumatic. I just didnt want to give up. Didn't want to lose. The whole thing brought up a world of past hurt.

But... . Im stoic. I went NC... . didnt contact... then did... . then didnt... then she did and she continues... . but no apologies... . no recognition, no remorse, nothing but justification of her actions... .   The question is what is keeping me from changing my number? Why am I holding on to it. It would be inconvenient but not impossible to change it. Sometimes I think if I was able to NOT respond how much better would I feel... . do I really expect her to come begging me back... . again? No... . I dont, and I wouldn't. She cant be trusted on level. Every text, every conversation... . is used against me to smear and ruin. One of her text smugly said... . " Im ruining your name btw"  I responded that if you continue I will sue you for slander... . ( I know, sucked into a 3 year old conversation) her response was... . " sue me, ___ you, I hate you)  And then she tried to sell me something illegal... . and after I said no thank you... . " I gave you a pass because your crazy... . now just leave me alone. Please leave me alone"  Im the guy, and Im saying that to a young women. Im pathetic.  Can you imagine.
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« Reply #37 on: June 03, 2014, 08:13:43 PM »

Splitback...

Your ex's behavior is so similar to mine.

All the nonsense and not admitting or taking responsibility for ANYTHING... .

Then the other thing you said... . all of a sudden she is smug. (only because she has someone else propping her up... . really pathetic if you think about it.  If she could just have stood on her own two feet when we were together there would be none of this). I did a lot of things for this woman, I found a cool place to live, made it into a home... . took care of the home... . (but it was never enough).   To have her turn around and be smug on the phone or in person was just so disrespectful.  All of it ... just vile.

You are not pathetic. You have been beat up by a hyena... . Just regroup, get all the support you can and make the decision to take care of you. I know when I changed my phone number... I had such mixed emotions doing it... . I felt like I was being torn in two... . but deep down my survival instinct was telling me that I HAD to do it.  This person had to become the enemy and I needed to take care of and love me.

I just cut it off, and worked on my life. Just me. Staying sober/clean, having a place to live, going to work, staying in shape and pursuing my hobbies, and making some really tight friendships because I had the time to show up.  Life got better... . I got off the roller coaster.

She just went into psycho loop number 17 before she even left our home... . no thanks.

I still find it wild that after all of the $hit she did then... and all the acting out in public places in front of me after she left alone or with my replacement... . all of the 8-year-old behavior... . she thinks that after a few years go by... . that somehow she now has a clean slate? She never even told me she cheated on me? So... . now she thinks she can just walk up to me and all should be forgiven and I should be the same caring loving guy I always was.  It is really PSYCHO.    Really scary to think what goes on in that pee brain.  I know she is sick... but I have to spin down on her for MY survival.  On her part, ss that ego, insanity... . forgetfulness? I DON"T care.

I have no idea... . but I just move away from her like she is a suicide bomber.  HOW can she be surprised at that?  At this point, even though inside I get upset... . it is quite comical that she can own none of her actions. NOTHING?

Seems like you are in the same vise... . and you are the only one who can loosen the handle ... . you can get tons of support... . but it starts with YOU.
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« Reply #38 on: June 03, 2014, 08:36:03 PM »

My ex-bf has not contacted me in 3 1/2 weeks now (per his therapist). IF he does contact me for any reason... . should I simply ignore? Is that best?
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« Reply #39 on: June 03, 2014, 08:53:00 PM »

Hey split black I feel for you!

That situation is a very ___ty one. I have been there, I know. I have gone thorugh the emotional rollercoaster that that limbo does to you, and I don't want to go there myself yet, so I only skimmed this thread recognizing the situation and hoping that sharing my method will somehow help. I will take the more practical approach. I got an app to block the calls and messages, its called Extreme Call Blocker for android, i dont know if there is an ios app for that. I set it to hang up whenever she called and never show it to me and delete every message she sent. It got me trough the first stages. Months later she sent a mail using her workmail that I had not blocked. When I saw that all the wounds just ripped up again and I started obsessing over the block log on the app. That just hurt me more. I finaly decided that enough was enough and stoped checking the block log. After that it has only been healing more and more. The urges came to check again, but I got my sister to erase the block log for me without saying anything about the amount. (No atempts would have hurt as well). This was in October last year, I hope she has forgotten me now, I just want to heal. Point is: Every encounter rips up your wounds. That means everytime she calls, everytime she texts, everytime you check anything about her, on facebook, everytime someone mentions her, etc I know that you are in the middle of it all now, and I know that this advise would have gone past me in my situation, but when you heal a little more it is important to truly go no contact. Someone mentioned addiction, and that is true. Treat it like an addiction. I have a quit smoking app that instead of counting the time I have been without tobacco, counts the moment that I last communicated with her, and it shows 374 days 11 hous and 58 min Smiling (click to insert in post) Keep your head above water. Better days will come. I promise  
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« Reply #40 on: June 03, 2014, 11:10:30 PM »

All the nonsense and not admitting or taking responsibility for ANYTHING... .

Then the other thing you said... . all of a sudden she is smug. (only because she has someone else propping her up... . really pathetic if you think about it.     All of it ... just vile.

I know when I changed my phone number... I had such mixed emotions doing it... . I felt like I was being torn in two... . but deep down my survival instinct was telling me that I HAD to do it.  

 Life got better... . I got off the roller coaster.


Seems like you are in the same vise... .

Our stories are similar but you were in yours longer. I made a commitment to lose my number in exactly two weeks. Im changing it. I can not continue to be sucked into my own head. Because thats where this is... . in my head. Between my ears... . She can text and engage then move on to whatever it is shes doing, I mean whom ever she is doing... . and Im the one thats stuck. My only solace is she doesn't know how I feel and never will... . again.

Every encounter rips up your wounds. That means everytime she calls, everytime she texts, everytime you check anything about her, on facebook, everytime someone mentions her, etc



This is very true... . there are no words that I can say to her anymore that are not twisted and distorted in the blackness that I have become to her , nothing I can do, because to her I am a monster, the person she offed her own despicable behavior on... .   she is remorseless and cruel. There is a word that means someone who enjoys the suffering of others... . Malicious enjoyment derived from observing someone else's misfortune... . "Schadenfreude"... . harm-joy... . and this is her. I was played.  Karma.

My ex-bf has not contacted me in 3 1/2 weeks now (per his therapist). IF he does contact me for any reason... . should I simply ignore? Is that best?

I know you want him to with all your being... . my advise is to RUN. Unless you want to have your heart continually ripped open. Sex isnt love.


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« Reply #41 on: June 04, 2014, 01:19:01 AM »

I made a commitment to lose my number in exactly two weeks. Im changing it. I can not continue to be sucked into my own head. Because thats where this is... . in my head. Between my ears... . She can text and engage then move on to whatever it is shes doing, I mean whom ever she is doing... . and Im the one thats stuck. My only solace is she doesn't know how I feel and never will... . again.

You are absolutely correct Split black. Don't let her rent space in your head.
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« Reply #42 on: June 04, 2014, 01:48:46 AM »

 SplitBlack, change the number... . Attaaboy!  That is the best way... as trying to block numbers, you are always wondering when they will call from another number. This is a way of being effective AND showing commitment to you!

"she is remorseless and cruel. There is a word that means someone who enjoys the suffering of others... . Malicious enjoyment derived from observing someone else's misfortune... . "Schadenfreude"... . harm-joy... . and this is her. I was played. "

This is the part that I find so disturbing... . and so sad.
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« Reply #43 on: June 08, 2014, 04:08:49 PM »

I gave you a pass because your crazy... . now just leave me alone. Please leave me alone"  Im the guy, and Im saying that to a young women. Im pathetic.  Can you imagine.

I think we can ALL imagine. The behavior of my BPDx has reduced me to tears God only knows how many times... . and she still has the ability to troll me from time to time. BPDs are really good at that. This has nothing to do with your manhood. This has to do with HER illness. That wasn't your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

Right now "manning up" means doing what's right for you, and letting her go. So do it.

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« Reply #44 on: June 08, 2014, 05:23:21 PM »

I gave you a pass because your crazy... . now just leave me alone. Please leave me alone"  Im the guy, and Im saying that to a young women. Im pathetic.  Can you imagine.

I think we can ALL imagine. The behavior of my BPDx has reduced me to tears God only knows how many times... . and she still has the ability to troll me from time to time. BPDs are really good at that. This has nothing to do with your manhood. This has to do with HER illness. That wasn't your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

Right now "manning up" means doing what's right for you, and letting her go. So do it.

I was golfing today with a group of buddies... . it was fun... . if it wasn't for the fact that I met her one year ago today, why do I even know this and she doesn't... . so it was a rough day in my head. I was ruminating to the point where I thought I was tripping on acid. And lost 25 bucks to boot!

I will never understand her self destructiveness, I asked her exactly why she did this aside from my busting her cheating and her shame, she says because " I manipulated and lied to her duh "... . When I said ok, give me ONE example of how... . she said... . "you just live to lie, I hate you, you are going to die alone "  Its a ridiculous conversation, they always are. Pointless and sad. I mean I understand intellectually, and of course I have and did let her go... .   and when I feel this addictive mind numbing crap going on I do lean into it. And I get that its not a linear path to complete indifference... .   but today was a rough triggering day.  Im glad its over. Tomorrow will be better. 
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« Reply #45 on: June 08, 2014, 05:36:27 PM »

"It's a ridiculous conversation. They always are."

After they hook up with someone and paint you black... . the conversations are just that!
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« Reply #46 on: June 08, 2014, 10:40:25 PM »

"It's a ridiculous conversation. They always are."

After they hook up with someone and paint you black... . the conversations are just that!

Im so tired of expecting a different result. Oh wait... . isnt that one definition of insanity. To do the same thing over and over and expect a different result... .
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« Reply #47 on: June 10, 2014, 07:21:43 PM »

Well... . its been 10 days and I just found myself embroiled in another 25 texts from her. No, I have not changed my number yet. Im waiting for another two weeks until my plan runs out. Yeah, excuse. Last contact was misery... . this one was even stranger. Started out with a simple text from her about how happy she is without me. Then it degraded into the typical Im a wolf and a liar pretending to care. The entire time she was telling me how shes happy and she doesn't need me heaped on top of extreme mood shifts from text to text. I would only respond with Im glad your happy and and Im sorry you still feel that way about me. Maybe one day we can be friends. To which she replied we will never be friends and that Im blah blah blah blah.  Then she again says never text me again. Im annoying and Im inappropriate... . because SHES texting me and is back with her ex. I didnt respond. So she texts back again to not ever text her again... .  3rd grade. I responded Im sorry your feeling so angry, I wish you and blah the best, and to take care.  It finally ended... . I think she got the last word in... . her 28 texts to my 12.

I know Im doing this to myself. I know its contact... . and even instigated by her I keep allowing it. Then I feel like ___ and I start all over again. When is enough enough? How many of you went through a few months of NC, and then stupid contact while remaining black as night. What made you FINALLY block the calls? I cant seem to slam that door shut.

Im not in total misery... . I dont think about her all day. I have a really good life and Im involved in a lot of distracting things... . I have held my cell phone in my hand 35 times and wanted to throw it in a nearby lake that I pass on the way home. Ive stood there at the edge of the woods with the phone in my hand and then walk. It would be easy to get a new number. Ive already blocked FB and changed my email. This is the only way she can contact me. Once its gone... . thats it. Even though its already been IT.  The not IT is in my head.

Jeeezus... .  whats wrong with me?  And thanx for your patience... . because I know I must be sickening by now.

  Check this vid/music out. www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVLUw7xy2RU    A song by the bayonets ... . Sucker for Love
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« Reply #48 on: June 10, 2014, 08:03:56 PM »

Hey SB no contact is the only way you'll move forward. I don't want to see you here posting about her texts in 6 months time Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

My exBPD came around to my door on the weekend. I wasn't home, my son told him I was out. He left and nothing since but I'm expecting it all the time. This after he ditched me with 3 words over 3 months ago and no contact since. And he was trying to hook up with my friend during that time. And then last week started abusing my sister for not talking to me. I knew it was coming. I was actually thrilled when I knew he'd come around. It validated my thoughts on BPD. And it felt good he was thinking of me. But I'm not going back so will tell him short and firm I've moved on. ( and then ball my eyes out after he's left)

It's  really hard to resist that pull I understand what you mean, but if we keep doing the same thing we'll keep getting the same result.

Peace, and no responding 
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« Reply #49 on: June 10, 2014, 08:49:24 PM »

And it felt good he was thinking of me. But I'm not going back so will tell him short and firm I've moved on.

So you're going to answer the door if he turns up when you're home Narellan?
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« Reply #50 on: June 10, 2014, 09:05:07 PM »

Yes I am. I'm too on edge not bringing it to a head. I'm answering the door then shut it again depending on what he says. My reply will be "I need to continue with NC. I'm happy to move on now" I'd he raises BPD I might respond with a " get help" message. Funny I was reading an article in the paper about his career, and it said "d describes himself as a chameleon " I was stunned when I read that. Other times he's referred to " cycles" and once said " Narellan without even knowing it you've helped me get over problems I've been battling on my own my whole life"

He may have a diagnosis even, but he certainly has knowledge when I think of those few comments. And he said " I'll never move past a 19 yo emotionally"

(He said due to serious car accident he was in at age 19)

I might just drop a common term and tell him I understand but I've had enough " recycling"

What do you think?
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« Reply #51 on: June 10, 2014, 09:17:18 PM »

What do you think?

If you believe you have the strength to carry it off, go for it.

BTW- be careful about posting quotes from other websites. Google is a very powerful search tool! 
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« Reply #52 on: June 10, 2014, 10:05:45 PM »

Hey SB no contact is the only way you'll move forward. I don't want to see you here posting about her texts in 6 months time Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

but if we keep doing the same thing we'll keep getting the same result.

Peace, and no responding 

If Im doing this in 6th months please find me and shoot me.     Definition of insanity... . same thing over and over same result.   
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« Reply #53 on: June 10, 2014, 11:04:28 PM »

It's fine to express what we feel, think, and need. Many of us get caught up in holding back, playing along, playing nice. We should be ourselves. Get it out into the open. Set it down, it might only be heavy now because we're still carrying it. If we quit dodging honesty while on the way to the truth... .

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« Reply #54 on: June 11, 2014, 10:20:04 AM »

Yes I am. I'm too on edge not bringing it to a head. I'm answering the door then shut it again depending on what he says. My reply will be "I need to continue with NC. I'm happy to move on now" I'd he raises BPD I might respond with a " get help" message. Funny I was reading an article in the paper about his career, and it said "d describes himself as a chameleon " I was stunned when I read that. Other times he's referred to " cycles" and once said " Narellan without even knowing it you've helped me get over problems I've been battling on my own my whole life"

He may have a diagnosis even, but he certainly has knowledge when I think of those few comments. And he said " I'll never move past a 19 yo emotionally"

(He said due to serious car accident he was in at age 19)

I might just drop a common term and tell him I understand but I've had enough " recycling"

What do you think?

I guess it depends on the level of contact that's healthy for you. But when it comes to BPDs, we both know that giving an inch means the BPD will try to take a mile. Unfortunate but true. I bet he'll try to leverage that small relationship into a larger one. My BPDx does that every time we have a pleasant exchange - she takes that as her cue to try and come back into my life. One nice email leads to five from her, and all the sudden she wants to talk to me all the time about irrelevant garbage, with the intent of re-entering my life. And then I have to set boundaries again, because she is 100% toxic to me.

My personal feeling is that if someone's toxic to me, then I don't want that person around, period. The unfortunate truth is that the toxic person in my life is the mother of my kids, so complete disconnection isn't an option. I don't know if that would work for you.
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« Reply #55 on: June 11, 2014, 10:24:23 AM »

Hey SB no contact is the only way you'll move forward. I don't want to see you here posting about her texts in 6 months time Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

but if we keep doing the same thing we'll keep getting the same result.

Peace, and no responding 

If Im doing this in 6th months please find me and shoot me.     :)efinition of insanity... . same thing over and over same result.   

If this is happening in six months we may not need to shoot you... . you might handle that one yourself.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Seriously, it's time to disengage, SB. It sounds to me like interacting with her is toxic for you, so just don't do it. Easier said than done, I know... .
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« Reply #56 on: June 11, 2014, 01:13:10 PM »

Yes I am. I'm too on edge not bringing it to a head. I'm answering the door then shut it again depending on what he says. My reply will be "I need to continue with NC. I'm happy to move on now" I'd he raises BPD I might respond with a " get help" message. Funny I was reading an article in the paper about his career, and it said "d describes himself as a chameleon " I was stunned when I read that. Other times he's referred to " cycles" and once said " Narellan without even knowing it you've helped me get over problems I've been battling on my own my whole life"

He may have a diagnosis even, but he certainly has knowledge when I think of those few comments. And he said " I'll never move past a 19 yo emotionally"

(He said due to serious car accident he was in at age 19)

I might just drop a common term and tell him I understand but I've had enough " recycling"

What do you think?

I guess it depends on the level of contact that's healthy for you. But when it comes to BPDs, we both know that giving an inch means the BPD will try to take a mile. Unfortunate but true. I bet he'll try to leverage that small relationship into a larger one. My BPDx does that every time we have a pleasant exchange - she takes that as her cue to try and come back into my life. One nice email leads to five from her, and all the sudden she wants to talk to me all the time about irrelevant garbage, with the intent of re-entering my life. And then I have to set boundaries again, because she is 100% toxic to me.

Not to respond to my own quote, but I'm going to... .

Yesterday I told my BPDx I appreciated her paying for my daughter's camp, and offered to help buy stuff, and sure enough, she just called a few minutes ago to chat in her oh-so-friendly "you're my best buddy" mode... . first phone call in MONTHS. And I told her I would only talk with her on email long ago. She's nothing if not predictable!

So, I had to email her back and say I wasn't able to talk with her, and needed an email instead. Re-setting boundaries.

Like I said... . leave the door half an inch open, and she'll try to worm her way right back into my life all the way.
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« Reply #57 on: June 11, 2014, 06:55:42 PM »

[/quote]
Like I said... . leave the door half an inch open, and she'll try to worm her way right back into my life all the way. [/quote]
Well... . it would seem like the half an inch door applies... . yet again. Just got a call... . was in the gym, I did not see the number, picked it up and its her. The FIRST time shes called me since she started bangin' her ex again full time. I was on a machine... . should have kept the phone in my locker.

First words out of her mouth were dont text me anymore... . ummmm huh? You just called ME.  Say what? I said OK... and then she goes into how Im a liar and didnt tell her the truth about something. She asked me if I was moving south and I said yes... . Ive bought a house near the beach actually, an opportunity i cant pass up and no more NE winters is fine with me... . and she said I lied about moving... . and how I asked her to move there as well. Or something like that. But then how she wouldn't ever get in a car with me... . and then how Im so pathetic. Holy jeeezuz. I stuttered something in my defense and then just thought what the heck am I doing... . I mean really... . Then she wanted ME to buy something from her... . dont ask. Like she is doing me a favor.She knows I dont roll that way. Then she said her car was on the brink and she wanted me to drive her. WHAT? I think shes really lost it.  If her new old BF knew she was contacting me and what she was going to " buy " he would dump her on the spot. I said sorry, nope, eh no thanks... .   This conversation could have occurred when we were together... . its reminiscent of the stress she would always put me thru. The compromising situations that could have ruined my career if I were ever caught riding dirty with her. What an idiot I was.

I dont know if its the contact... . or the recognition ... . or what... . but I feel more at peace with never seeing her again then I could have imagined. I do not want her anymore. At least thats how I feel right now. Its a very real feeling... . god I hope this lasts. No mas.
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« Reply #58 on: June 11, 2014, 07:02:11 PM »


Like I said... . leave the door half an inch open, and she'll try to worm her way right back into my life all the way. [/quote]
Well... . it would seem like the half an inch door applies... . yet again. Just got a call... . was in the gym, I did not see the number, picked it up and its her. The FIRST time shes called me since she started bangin' her ex again full time. I was on a machine... . should have kept the phone in my locker.

First words out of her mouth were dont text me anymore... . ummmm huh? You just called ME.  Say what? I said OK... and then she goes into how Im a liar and didnt tell her the truth about something. She asked me if I was moving south and I said yes... . Ive bought a house near the beach actually, an opportunity i cant pass up and no more NE winters is fine with me... . and she said I lied about moving... . and how I asked her to move there as well. Or something like that. But then how she wouldn't ever get in a car with me... . and then how Im so pathetic. Holy jeeezuz. I stuttered something in my defense and then just thought what the heck am I doing... . I mean really... . Then she wanted ME to buy something from her... . dont ask. Like she is doing me a favor.She knows I dont roll that way. Then she said her car was on the brink and she wanted me to drive her. WHAT? I think shes really lost it.  If her new old BF knew she was contacting me and what she was going to " buy " he would dump her on the spot. I said sorry, nope, eh no thanks... .  This conversation could have occurred when we were together... . its reminiscent of the stress she would always put me thru. The compromising situations that could have ruined my career if I were ever caught riding dirty with her. What an idiot I was.

I dont know if its the contact... . or the recognition ... . or what... . but I feel more at peace with never seeing her again then I could have imagined. I do not want her anymore. At least thats how I feel right now. Its a very real feeling... . god I hope this lasts. No mas. [/quote]
I have only one question. Why do you even engage in a coversation with her? You were in the gym, didn't have to lie about being busy.
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« Reply #59 on: June 11, 2014, 07:02:26 PM »

But then how she wouldn't ever get in a car with me... .

... . Then she said her car was on the brink and she wanted me to drive her.

Yep, just like my ex-friend telling me she needed space and that we should go NC for a while. Then 2 minutes later asking me to go to her house and help her move something.  
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« Reply #60 on: June 11, 2014, 09:14:23 PM »

SB you're in self destruction mode maybe... . There's reasons why we keep doing what were doing, its because its meeting a need in you somehow... . Otherwise you'd stop. Maybe ask yourself why you're still doing this? Do you enjoy the drama she creates? Does it make you feel wanted when she texts you ?

I know for me I've got such an adrenaline rush since knowing he came around. I'm thrilled because it means I matter to him. He can't let me go, so that is feeding my self esteem and self worth. I want to be the focus of his attention in some way. But I recognise that and I'm stopping it now. Telling him to stay NC will be very empowering to me.

You have to take yourself out of the game for it to stop. And at the moment you're playing along 100%. Change the rules. You know you need to. You have so much self discipline ( I see that because you're going to the gym Smiling (click to insert in post)) use some self discipline and not respond to her texts, and if you answer the phone not knowing its her, just hang up!

Sometimes that way out of this is so obvious but fog still keeps us involved.
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« Reply #61 on: June 11, 2014, 11:42:48 PM »


I have only one question. Why do you even engage in a coversation with her? You were in the gym, didn't have to lie about being busy. [/quote]


Because Im a weak minded b*tch when i comes to this mean spirited, indifferent, cold hearted, self absorbed, bratt with the moral fiber of rattlesnake... .   so what does that make me? Pathetic... .   I choke on bile and self loathing when I engage back. Im in constant withdrawal mode and will be until I can make NC stick.       But im never gonna waver... Im going to beat this addiction to a person.
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« Reply #62 on: June 11, 2014, 11:48:27 PM »

SB you're in self destruction mode maybe... .

You have so much self discipline ( I see that because you're going to the gym Smiling (click to insert in post)) use some self discipline and not respond to her texts, and if you answer the phone not knowing its her, just hang up!

Sometimes that way out of this is so obvious but fog still keeps us involved.

Clearly self destructive, masochistic... . clearly punitive for past imagined crimes.  The gym is easy. This is beyond relief. But having said that I am ok. I dont contact her... . Ive held up at least that much for a good long while now... .  Its the not responding I have to master... . I know the only way to possibly do that is to change numbers. What a pain in the ass thats going to be. Its like accepting defeat. I would rather find the stones to simply ignore.

Having your heart ripped out and being disemboweled does suck... . and rebuilding ones broken mind from it is obviously not a linear path to FREEDOM.

And it doesn't help that the ex ex girl I am seeing is going to move West while I move South.She's there now for another couple of weeks.We know its over, communication is sparse  ... but friendly. Friends with benefits until we both split. So my distraction isnt distracting from the discomfort I buried. If I lean into it any further Im gonna fall over.  my baggage
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« Reply #63 on: June 12, 2014, 12:29:09 AM »

Yes, I so hear you. My exBPD made it easy for me. Trying to f my friend behind my back hurt me to no end, and because he was distracted for weeks with her he left me alone. And he hasn't tried to contact me for 3 months. If he had I'd be a mess like you. I've been able to manage NC because we were both doing NC. This coming to my door approach is going to be my hardest test... . But I have to do it. Start thinking positive thoughts and visualise your way out of it. I think you're awesome and much stronger than u see yourself! X
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« Reply #64 on: June 12, 2014, 01:10:38 AM »

... .   I choke on bile and self loathing when I engage back. Im in constant withdrawal mode and will be until I can make NC stick.

Just remember: detaching is a process, not an event.
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« Reply #65 on: June 12, 2014, 10:09:22 AM »

Well... . it would seem like the half an inch door applies... . yet again. Just got a call... . was in the gym, I did not see the number, picked it up and its her. The FIRST time shes called me since she started bangin' her ex again full time. I was on a machine... . should have kept the phone in my locker.

First words out of her mouth were dont text me anymore... . ummmm huh?

Can I make a suggestion?

If she says "don't text me anymore," say "OK, message received. I'm busy. Gotta go." And leave it at that. She wanted to tell you something, you acknowledged it, end of story. No drama there. The rest is emotional diarrhea that you don't need to listen to. How about "We're not together anymore, so none of this stuff is really relevant. Gotta go."

The reason she keeps coming back to you for this is that you keep engaging her. Stop engaging her, and she'll either stop contacting you, or won't do so as frequently. Set your boundaries and defend them.

Keep in mind this is a process, like someone else said. I've been doing this for longer than you have, had the same issues you have at one point, and have gotten the boundaries fairly well set, but she still tries to break them (as she did yesterday - I engaged with her a little bit, but when she responded I just didn't respond to that).

It does take time.
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« Reply #66 on: June 12, 2014, 02:47:07 PM »

She really is determined to make your life hell, isn't she?  She's split you so black, but still can't let you go.  It's textbook BPD.  And being split black, naturally everything wrong in her life is all your fault.  Please try not to internalize that, SB.  I know it's hard, but this really is the disorder at work.  It's not your fault and it's not because of any flaw in you.  Focus on that, man.  This is not your fault and you didn't cause this.

Given how relentless your ex has been in contacting you and continuing the abuse, I really do think it's time to change your number.  I know what a colossal hassle that is, and how difficult it is to explain to people.  Especially if you use your number for business.  Your peace of mind is worth it, though.  I don't think she is going to stop anytime soon.  You are the projection target of all her self-hatred right now, and she's going to make full use of you as the scapegoat.  Seriously, you don't have to take this kind of abuse.  You don't deserve it.

Hang in there, man.  You're doing a great job of detaching and you are moving on.  Keep going.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #67 on: June 12, 2014, 04:14:47 PM »

Yes, I so hear you. My exBPD made it easy for me. Trying to f my friend behind my back hurt me to no end,  I think you're awesome and much stronger than u see yourself! X

Oh... I forgot this story... . I do have an some older kids... around her age. She FB one of them a few months after we met and invited him to the apt I just got her. Because I wasn't available enough and she was lonely... .   I discovered this because my son was telling me about the hot girl that face booked him out of no-where. I asked him if anything happened and he said no they just painted and hung out, talked. When I flipped out at her she said its my fault that shes lonely. I explained like she was 3 that this was beyond inappropriate and asked what the hell was she trying to do. Clearly seduce him. This went on for a few weeks and then I had to confess to my son ( I keep my private life very private from my kids unless its REALLY serious, and the red flags were there even then... this one of the many) So I told him. He was so angry and disgusted with her, he never spoke to her again. She wanted to know if I told my son anything about us and i said YES... . I had to. She was pissed! Crazy!


She really is determined to make your life hell, isn't she?  She's split you so black, but still can't let you go.  It's textbook BPD.  And being split black, naturally everything wrong in her life is all your fault.  Please try not to internalize that, SB.  I know it's hard, but this really is the disorder at work.  It's not your fault and it's not because of any flaw in you.  Focus on that, man.  This is not your fault and you didn't cause this.

Given how relentless your ex has been in contacting you and continuing the abuse, I really do think it's time to change your number.  I know what a colossal hassle that is, and how difficult it is to explain to people.  Especially if you use your number for business.  Your peace of mind is worth it, though.  I don't think she is going to stop anytime soon.  You are the projection target of all her self-hatred right now, and she's going to make full use of you as the scapegoat.  Seriously, you don't have to take this kind of abuse.  You don't deserve it.

Hang in there, man.  You're doing a great job of detaching and you are moving on.  Keep going.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)



I am going to change it by the end of the month. That and moving out of state will erase all past toxicity from my system. And yes... . I totally am her projection target, as was once the ex that she is back with yet again for the 10th time in 4 years, whom she hated and talked trash about constantly.  Co-dependent much?[/quote]
Can I make a suggestion?


The reason she keeps coming back to you for this is that you keep engaging her. Stop engaging her,  Set your boundaries and defend them.


It does take time. [/quote]
This is a fact. Im going to be hyper vigilant until I change number.  Emotional diarrhea... . so proudly ture.
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« Reply #68 on: June 12, 2014, 08:16:49 PM »

AGAIN! Tonight... . a text... . saying shes BORED!  I didnt reply... . then texts she wants me to give her a RIDE to get something illegal.  I just replied "no, I cant, Im busy"  Then she says "ewww never mind your old."  And "dont remind me of the past it skeeeves me out." ( this coming from a insane girl that insisted on telling me I was the best sex she ever had a million times during the love bombing phase... . and OF COURSE that infuriated me. I took the bait im embarrassed to confess. So I said, "remember what you always told me". To which she said, "Ive had better now... . sorry" A half hour later she says ... . "maybe you can ride with me tomorrow to get it."  I ignored everything after she said that I have had better crap. Shes abusing me emotionally... . again. I think this is fun for her now. I MUST get my ___ back together and go NC again. This is just stupid.

You guys are right... . I do have to get a new number. I either get reduced to a 7 year old or I have to endure well placed hurtful insults. She knows how to deflate an ego big time. Intellectually I do know better and get plenty of positive re-enforcement elsewhere... .  it still sux having her say these things to me.  My phone is off now btw. I dont even want to turn it on but I have to do to biz tomorrow.

To those of you longing for contact... . do yourself a favor... . it will NEVER be the same. You will NEVER get what you want... . and you will feel a thousand times WORSE then going thru the discomfort of NC. Stick with NC. Don't open that door!
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« Reply #69 on: June 12, 2014, 08:45:39 PM »

Yes SB. Burn this into your brain. You wouldn't have had your ego deflated if you hadnt replied. Btw it's more like 4 yo behaviour " I've got a better toy than you... . " 
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« Reply #70 on: June 12, 2014, 08:53:35 PM »

Sorry folks... . Im writing here to stop myself... . turned phone on. Got a slew of texts... . asking for money... . then saying shes bored. Then saying shes too young to stay in... . then saying never mind... . then saying ... . shes not using... . and I dont know her. Then saying good nite... . oh no no no no  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  
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« Reply #71 on: June 12, 2014, 08:55:02 PM »

Phones back off... . Im drinking a ice cold vodka with lime!  ugh   
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« Reply #72 on: June 12, 2014, 08:56:11 PM »

Yes SB. Burn this into your brain. You wouldn't have had your ego deflated if you hadnt replied. Btw it's more like 4 yo behaviour " I've got a better toy than you... . " 

Can you burn something into my brain like a hot branding iron? ha
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« Reply #73 on: June 12, 2014, 09:21:30 PM »

I changed my exBPD guys name in my contacts from " D" to ":)o not answer this prick" so when a text comes through it's a reminder. Would that work for the next few weeks til you get a new number?

If I lived closer I'd come around and hot iron brand you myself!

But I think part of you is enjoying this stalkerish attention. You are the only one who can stop this. She won't. You need to step up. 
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« Reply #74 on: June 12, 2014, 09:40:33 PM »

Hey SB.  I know how hard it is and my heart is with you.

To me it feels like their craziness infects me and I start feeling crazy myself with all the anxiety and depression cycles following my exposure to my uBPDxso life.

I think of my need to linger on as an addiction and similar to the way I dealt with other addictions I had (and apparently I see a pattern in myself and addictions over the years... .  ) and that always starts with me REALLY NOT WANTING to be there anymore, and then I find a way to get off the habit. Time and again I say NO to my urges.  I experience them mindfully, I recognize and accept the urge without judgement, I remind myself about my decision and sincere desire not to surrender to this urge and I do my best.  Many times I'd fail and obsess / ruminate / peek / whatever, and that's not the end of the world.  I try again next time.  I'm determined to stop it and it gets slowly and gradually better.

TIL
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« Reply #75 on: June 12, 2014, 11:57:32 PM »

If I lived closer I'd come around and hot iron brand you myself!

But I think part of you is enjoying this stalkerish attention. You are the only one who can stop this. She won't. You need to step up. 

I think I might like that branding but it has to burn into the right temporal lobe. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  But seriously you are of course right. There is a part of me that must masochistically like the attention. Some shrapnel of hope which seems to spring eternal. But I absolutely dont like her at all. Whatever is driving me is addiction... . same thing as quitting  heroin, not that I ever used... . but I imagine the urges are just as irresistible... . and I realize the contact that I endure is punitive, like I dont deserve better. Ive been working hard on that one. The one good thing about this is that I know that I have the ability to NOT contact her. And Im working hard on throwing this phone away... .   that will do it. Im sure of it. She has no other way to contact except to show up on my doorstep and unless shes ready to be arrested or committed, and outed to her BF she wouldn't do it. I hope.

Hey SB.  I know how hard it is and my heart is with you.

To me it feels like their craziness infects me and I start feeling crazy myself with all the anxiety and depression cycles following my exposure to my uBPDxso life.

I think of my need to linger on as an addiction and similar to the way I dealt with other addictions I had (and apparently I see a pattern in myself and addictions over the years... .   ) and that always starts with me REALLY NOT WANTING to be there anymore, and then I find a way to get off the habit. Time and again I say NO to my urges.  I experience them mindfully, I recognize and accept the urge without judgement, I remind myself about my decision and sincere desire not to surrender to this urge and I do my best.  Many times I'd fail and obsess / ruminate / peek / whatever, and that's not the end of the world.  I try again next time.  I'm determined to stop it and it gets slowly and gradually better.

TIL

I can totally relate to what you are telling me. Ive been able to NOT contact her exactly this way... . the next step in quitting her and recognizing this has nothing to do with anything except a need she met that was missing in myself... . and the push pull, adulation/sex/devaluation/cheating hit a nerve that was buried deep. I look at my phone now as if it were a bottle, if I was an alcoholic, or syringe if I were a heroin addict. That phone number... . I NEED to lose it. Man,... . its so hard.

But I got thru tonight... . and Im going to take it one day at a time until that number is gone.
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« Reply #76 on: June 13, 2014, 12:07:26 AM »

One question that was pivotal to me recently was "what do I get out of my addiction?" Understanding that helped me to dig deeper on WHY is it so hard for me to give it up.

What do you get out of it?

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« Reply #77 on: June 13, 2014, 12:08:06 AM »

Well my exBPD came to the door without warning after  3 months NC. I wasn't home but I've been expecting him now all week which is horrendous feeling. Unlike you I still love my exBPD so I have to act like I don't and reinforce its over.

I'm emotionally beat on this one. It's done my head in this week just waiting for him.

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« Reply #78 on: June 13, 2014, 09:53:54 AM »

One question that was pivotal to me recently was "what do I get out of my addiction?" Understanding that helped me to dig deeper on WHY is it so hard for me to give it up.

What do you get out of it?

This is good. Its a hard question to face... .   If I were to be brutally honest... . it would be nothing more then having sex with a stunning sexual younger women. Going deeper it would be, I think, a denial on my part to face the fact that Ive gotten old. Doesn't matter how much you work out or eat right... . we get old. To which Im still in denial... . and that is just malignant narcissism on my part. The loss of youth, for me, was/is something that happened to other people.  I just think, or believe true or not, probably not true because shes ill, but if I were more her age... .   I would have had more options. Don't get me wrong... . my life is good... . I have great friends and I have known real and intimate love... .   its just that this past year, with this person... .   has opened some very deep wounds. None of which makes rational sense.  Having said that... . on the surface... . Im getting absolutely nothing but an emotional beat down, sprinkled with maybe, maybe I can sleep with her just one more time... . yeah... thats it. Thats it. Thats pathetic... . and Im so exhausted spending this amount of time in my own head 


Well my exBPD came to the door without warning after  3 months NC. I wasn't home but I've been expecting him now all week which is horrendous feeling. Unlike you I still love my exBPD so I have to act like I don't and reinforce its over.

I'm emotionally beat on this one. It's done my head in this week just waiting for him.



Thats brutal... . thats so brutal and unfair to you. Ask yourself what is " loving " about the way he has treated you. And why would you love someone who doesn't love you back the way you deserve. ( yeah I need to smack that thought into my skull too)  Sometimes its just the rejection that makes us crazy, the lack of attention... . which does a number on the little kid in all of us that wants love but never got enough when we were young... .   You have done a great job at moving on, its not linear... not a straight line. I just got a text from my ex ex gf soon to be ex again Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) out west saying she missed me. That was sweet... . made me feel good.
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« Reply #79 on: June 13, 2014, 09:59:27 AM »



This thread has reached its 4-page limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.
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