It's dreary here and I leave for Hawaii today. Should be happy but I'm not.

[lanfair]

I've been looking forward to this trip to Hawaii with my family for nearly a year. My exBPD was never even supposed to go on the trip bc she couldn't afford her plane ticket and there was no room in the villa for her, so it's not like I'm sad bc I expected her to be going with me now and she's not. I just feel melancholy. It's rainy and dreary here, which I'm sure isn't helping my mood, and I should be looking forward to spending a week in paradise with my family. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii and now I finally am. But for some reason today I have been thinking about her all morning. I guess it's bc even though we would go on a family vacation every year to the beach, or last year to the mountains, later in the summer her and I would go on our own vacation to the beach just the two of us and it's maybe setting in that it won't be happening this year.

A week after I get back from Hawaii I have a court date for criminal stalking charges she has filed against me (which are entirely fabricated), so I'm dreading that bc it is going to force me to have to see her again after not seeing her and having NC for a month and half due to an DVO order between us that prohibits me from contacting her or being around her. Not that I want to contact or see her, since she suddenly decided she was lesbian in less than two weeks and entered a relationship with a lesbian she had befriended from school shortly before we broke up. Even though I've told most of my close friends I don't want to know what she's up to, once in a while somebody I don't know well will tell me how they saw her FB page and she's infatuated with this girl and that last week she changed her relationship status to say they are officially together. I know this is fairly typical BPD behavior, in fact her actions after we broke up- the sudden change in sexual preference, immediately getting into a new relationship, painting me black and making up lies about me and filing false charges, are what led me to realize she is BPD.

Part of what I am struggling with is that although I have been trying to move on and go on casual dates with women, making it clear to them that I am in no way ready for a commitment any time soon, I cannot think of one woman I know that is single that I could see myself happily in a relationship with. Not only that, but I've always been considered a fairly attractive guy and have always done well with women. In fact, I've historically been more of a player type juggling many different love interests at once (not misleading or deceiving any of them) and rarely settling down long, but self-esteem plays a large part in attracting the opposite sex. So, even though my looks haven't really changed and I'm in the best shape of my life, I think women can definitely sense that my self-esteem is not at its highest, so I've not been doing as well with the ladies as I usually have in the past. I know this will get better with time, but I've NEVER been in a relationship as long as this recent one (almost 4 years), in fact it's prob longer than all my other relationships put together, so it's going to take a while to get mojo back. In the meantime, not doing so well with women is only causing my self-esteem to take more of a hit and I'm kind of caught in a vicious cycle. I feel like I keep striking out and my exBPD is already in a relationship with another girl that she seems completely infatuated with even though it's only been a month and a half.

All of these things are weighing heavily on my mind as I pack today for my trip. My mother told me this would be a T---- (my ex)-free trip and none of us will discuss her. I certainly to be able to push her out of my mind and enjoy this trip in paradise, I'm just burdened with these thoughts as I pack bc it brings up memories of our little private beach getaways in the past.