uxBPDh Making Childcare Demands

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you deal with a uxBPDh\NPD who is being demanding?

In our agreement, we have 50/50 custody and alternate who gets the kids during holidays like spring break. Some things have changed since the divorce and neither of us has gone back to court probably because neither one of us can afford it anymore. The main change is that he's changed jobs (he refuses to tell me where) and daycare/child care has changed since then. I'm responsible for paying for daycare per our agreement among other things.

When we were first divorced, the kids were in a home-based daycare. It worked out until she retired due to health issues. I paid her a specific amount of money for school days and non-school days and it was fairly inexpensive. When she retired, I found another home-based daycare that worked out as well. After less than a year, she also retired due to health issues. By that time, I could not find another home or center-based daycare that would take both kids (D5 and D12) to and from school since my oldest was too old.

I work fulltime and have no family in town to help out with this. I ended up hiring a part time nanny to take the kids to and from school. It worked out until she found a full time job. I paid her on a hourly basis for taking the kids to and from school. I also let her use my place to hang out with the kids until I was able to get home from work. Our agreement was for school days only. I was not paying her for non-school days because I couldn't afford it. The home based daycare gave me a weekly rate. During the summer, the rate doubled and was very hard to afford but I managed. The difference in cost between the home-based daycare and the nanny during school days is pretty much the same until I factor in full non-school days for the nanny. Then it skyrockets (due to her hourly rate) and I can't afford it. So I let my ex know what arrangement we came to and that if he needed her to watch the kids during his time for non-school days then he would need to pay her himself because I couldn't afford it and we didn't have any other options. He couldn't find any other options either.

So she quit due to finding another job. She found another lady to take the kids to and from school. So this new person is working out great. We have the same arrangement as the prior one.

So now my ex has the kids during spring break. He says he can't find anyone to watch them and he can't take time off from work but if he did have time off from work he wouldn't watch them that week anyway. He wants me to either take time off from work to watch them for him or pay the nanny extra for watching them because I'm responsible for paying for daycare. I didn't budget money to pay her for that week. He refuses to entertain any other options. It is not my responsibility to watch them during his time unless it's a bonafide emergency, per the parenting agreement. I basically told him he's free to make arrangements with the nanny and pay for it himself. If I end up having to pay the nanny to watch them that week, I won't pay him his monthly alimony because that's how much it will cost me for her to watch them.

Now he's raging at me which doesn't surprise me. If he were being nicer about this and not demanding, I'd consider compromsing with him somehow. When he's being like this, I don't feel inclined to help him out.

I could see him leaving them at his place alone without supervision. We've discussed this before and we both agreed our oldest is not mature or responsible enough to watch her younger sibling. More than likely, it would be a disaster. I wouldn't be surprised if he did this or if he refused to pick them up from my place for spring break. He tends to do things like that. I don't know why these things can never be simple.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

How do you deal with a uxBPDh\NPD who is being demanding?

In our agreement, we have 50/50 custody and alternate who gets the kids during holidays like spring break. Some things have changed since the divorce and neither of us has gone back to court probably because neither one of us can afford it anymore. The main change is that he's changed jobs (he refuses to tell me where) and daycare/child care has changed since then. I'm responsible for paying for daycare per our agreement among other things.

When we were first divorced, the kids were in a home-based daycare. It worked out until she retired due to health issues. I paid her a specific amount of money for school days and non-school days and it was fairly inexpensive. When she retired, I found another home-based daycare that worked out as well. After less than a year, she also retired due to health issues. By that time, I could not find another home or center-based daycare that would take both kids (D5 and D12) to and from school since my oldest was too old.

I work fulltime and have no family in town to help out with this. I ended up hiring a part time nanny to take the kids to and from school. It worked out until she found a full time job. I paid her on a hourly basis for taking the kids to and from school. I also let her use my place to hang out with the kids until I was able to get home from work. Our agreement was for school days only. I was not paying her for non-school days because I couldn't afford it. The home based daycare gave me a weekly rate. During the summer, the rate doubled and was very hard to afford but I managed. The difference in cost between the home-based daycare and the nanny during school days is pretty much the same until I factor in full non-school days for the nanny. Then it skyrockets (due to her hourly rate) and I can't afford it. So I let my ex know what arrangement we came to and that if he needed her to watch the kids during his time for non-school days then he would need to pay her himself because I couldn't afford it and we didn't have any other options. He couldn't find any other options either.

So she quit due to finding another job. She found another lady to take the kids to and from school. So this new person is working out great. We have the same arrangement as the prior one.

So now my ex has the kids during spring break. He says he can't find anyone to watch them and he can't take time off from work but if he did have time off from work he wouldn't watch them that week anyway. He wants me to either take time off from work to watch them for him or pay the nanny extra for watching them because I'm responsible for paying for daycare. I didn't budget money to pay her for that week. He refuses to entertain any other options. It is not my responsibility to watch them during his time unless it's a bonafide emergency, per the parenting agreement. I basically told him he's free to make arrangements with the nanny and pay for it himself. If I end up having to pay the nanny to watch them that week, I won't pay him his monthly alimony because that's how much it will cost me for her to watch them.

Now he's raging at me which doesn't surprise me. If he were being nicer about this and not demanding, I'd consider compromsing with him somehow. When he's being like this, I don't feel inclined to help him out.

I could see him leaving them at his place alone without supervision. We've discussed this before and we both agreed our oldest is not mature or responsible enough to watch her younger sibling. More than likely, it would be a disaster. I wouldn't be surprised if he did this or if he refused to pick them up from my place for spring break. He tends to do things like that. I don't know why these things can never be simple.

[Nope]

I'm sorry he is making things difficult. From what you've said it's enough of a challenge just to find someone to transport and watch the kids without the added stress of the conflict.

You said he stated that you are responsible for paying for child care. Is that in the order? I am sure your alimony obligation is written into an order, so I wouldn't suggest not paying that. If you have a five year old then he has many many years to take you back to court and make an issue of that.

You can't control what he will and won't do. All you can control is what happens when the kids are with you, so as I see it the best hope is that he simply won't take them for spring break. Financially that may put you in a bind but at least then you won't need to worry that nobody is watching the kids.

[ForeverDad]

You can't control what he will and won't do. All you can control is what happens when the kids are with you, so as I see it the best hope is that he simply won't take them for spring break. Financially that may put you in a bind but at least then you won't need to worry that nobody is watching the kids.

Is D12 mature enough to care for herself and D5 while you are at work that week?  Each state has different age/maturity expectations for latchkey kids.  As you mentioned, D12 has aged out of the daycare system.  (That's the age my son started middle school and daycare ended their services.  I thereafter had him ride the school bus home.)  So today's society would probably not force you to provide daycare.  The settlement terms might be an issue.  Do you feel confident enough to make a stand if he decides to throw the terms of the order at you?  After all, by the time it got to court for a hearing Spring Break would likely be long over.  We Nice Guys and Nice Gals are usually so keen on being overly compliant that we fear standing up for issues and terms we decide are not applicable due to the children being older.  Your stance can be that the children are now older and there are times when D12, now older, is mature enough for being alone for limited periods of time and the order is a bit outdated.

Here is a small sampling of links:

www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm
https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/what-is-the-legal-age-for-latchkey-kids--2208501.html
Canada: https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/home-alone/

How is care currently handled when there is a school holiday or a "teacher professional day" on dad's time but both parents have to work?  For example, my son's school often schedules Friday off when there is a holiday the following Monday such as Presidents Day, MLK Day, etc so parent can have a 4 day weekend with the kids.

If ex gives up his parenting time, then that's an okay thing since you're presumably the more stable parent, as Nope commented.  Wouldn't you agree that whenever disordered ex doesn't want the children then you should say "Thanks!" to the extent possible?  In a general sense, you should be able to determine what actions are okay during the time you are parenting, whether the schedule says it is your time or his time.  If you are parenting, then you ought to be able to handle parenting issues for yourself without the ex intruding overmuch.  Ponder too whether any other clauses in the order are impacted by making a change, either Pro or Con.

Generally courts require parents of minors to file "Intent to Relocate" notices whenever either parent decides to move.  If your area has that requirement and he is refusing to comply, you probably can report the matter to court and the officials will follow up on compliance.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you both for responding.

Nope... .The order does state that I pay for daycare. It also states that I pay for his alimony. It is a bit vague about daycare because it doesn't specify school vs non-school days. Therein lies the problem. When it was written, I was paying a flat weekly rate for daycare which included non-school days for a small extra reasonable fee.  Since then, it's changed so that I'm basically paying a nanny by the hour up to a specific daily amount. I have a contract with her that it's for school days only. I even told him upfront that I can't afford to pay her for more than the agreed upon amount. If he wanted to utilize her care for non-school days then he's free to do so and pay for it since I can't afford it. The problem is where do you draw the line when it would end up costing you more than you're budgeted for? Then what? Do I stop paying my bills? I only have so much vacation time. I can't always work from home either.

I understand what you're saying. All in all, if I end up watching the kids that week, I will make note of it for the courts. Yes, I would rather they be with me than by themselves. The order also specifies that I am not the default parent and he needs to make arrangements during his weeks for the kids if he isn't able to watch them. It specifies that I am under no obligation to watch them during his time unless it's a bonafide emergency and what constitutes an emergency is specifically spelled out in the order. I love spending time with the kids. I hate how he treats me which is one of the reasons why I divorced him in the first place. I set a boundary and he bulldozes over it, not leaving me a lot of good choices on how to enforce my boundary.

For the winter break, we've been able to compromise and switch parenting time so that he could go out of town to be with his friends. I don't know why he won't compromise on spring break. It feels like a control issue.

Taking a step back and looking at his original "request", I think I know why I feel so upset about it. I understand he feels he's in a bit of a bind. However, he didn't ask me for help. He didn't ask to compromise or for ideas that we can both live with. Instead, he tried to give me only two choices that only benefit him and will cost me time and/or money. He wasn't even open to discussing it. I hate being forced into doing his will. In the past, he's done this to me before or tried to. He's tried to force me to watch the kids during his time at the last minute or to take them to his mother's place at the last minute forcing me to miss work when it wasn't even an emergency. What about my plans? What about my job? None of that matters to him. All that matters to him is that he gets his way and he isn't inconveninced. It is a big trigger for me that I need to work through.

ForeverDad... .Our 12 year old isn't mature or responsible enough to watch our 5 year old. We both agreed on that when this came up awhile ago when we were trying to figure out how to handle the upcoming summer. Since then, the nanny and I are working on an agreement for her to watch them this summer. By then, I can rework my budget and afford to pay her more for it. I just can't do that right now for spring break.

In our state, there is no legal minimum age for leaving your kid at home alone. It's basially up to the parents. Something awful would have to happen before the law got involved.

So far this school year, when there is a holiday or a teacher work day, he has either taken the day off during his time to be with them or he takes them to his mother's place. I will also take the day off or make arrangements with a friend to watch them that day during my time. A good example is today. There is no school today and it's the start of his parenting time. He picked them up this morning from my place. I don't know if he's spending the day with them or what.

If he hadn't been so demanding, I would be more open to working with him on this. I'm so tired of his manipulation and crap. I hate being forced. It also doesn't help that he's been ranting and raving at me for several days now via the communication app we use. Just makes me want to dig my heals in more. *sigh* I do want what is best for the kids. I also want to maintain some level of sanity for myself. I'm done being a doormat.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Well, I think I know a possible reason why he's acting so hostile. It seems his girlfriend probably broke up with him. I have no idea how long they've been going out (probably not long) or much of anything about them, just that they were dating and now they're not. I've lost count as to how many girlfriends he's had since the divorce. It also explains why he's been trying to text and call our oldest pretty much every day this last week when they were with me. She didn't respond to him which was interesting. I don't blame her, though.

By the way, I know I refer to the lady who watches the kids and takes them to school as the nanny. She's actually more like a babysitter. She's not an official nanny. She's not a licensed daycare provider. It's like as if I am paying a neighbor to watch the kids and take them to and from school. I'm not sure if that makes a difference or not.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Here's an update. So my ex ended up leaving the kids home alone for the week while he went to work. They were fine actually. They facetime'd me mid-week and they were doing just fine. So I felt better about it in a way. Still not crazy about it but I'm glad it worked out.

[Ulysses]

I'm glad it worked out for you. Finding childcare is a struggle.

I didn't read all of the posts closely, but I wanted to offer a suggestion.  8 or 10 hours alone is a long time for a 12 year old and a younger sibling.  Maybe if it happens again, you can afford a babysitter for part of the day.  That way, your older child gets some experience babysitting and being responsible, but also gets a break.

So glad to hear it worked out and that your children seemed happy.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thanks. Yeah I agree. 8-10 hours is too long. It was a tough situation. If he had been willing to work with me or compromise on this, it may have been different.

What it came down to, I think, is that he tried to bully me into doing things his way instead of looking at other options that might work for all of us. He repeatedly tries to manipulate me through guilt and shame and it triggers me big time. I put up boundaries, he tries to bulldoze them. So I end up digging my heals in. He tries to take away my choices and make me out to be a bad mother because I won't give into his demands. He had plenty of time to look at options but instead he waits until the last minute and tries to force me to do his bidding. It's like he expects everyone to drop what they're doing to cater to him. Heaven forbid if he gets inconvenienced at all. 

I agonized over this for days. Torn between giving in to watch the kids and letting him figure it out. I ended up letting him figure it out. As much as I wanted to scoop the kids up and keep them with me, I'm not the default parent. An actual emergency is one thing. This was not an emergency. He's tried things like this many times before when it was nowhere near an emergency either and it just pisses me off.

[david]

My xBPDw and I have 50/50. Our boys are 19 and 14 now. S19 graduated high school and moved in with me last year. Our 14 year old is pretty much on his own at her place. It concerned me a lot in the beginning but I kept my mouth shut. Discussing anything with ex triggers her and I am always wrong. He is older than your son but I thought things would quickly go wrong. I was pleasantly surprised. It is stressful in these kinds of situations. At first I didn't know what to do but he talked to me about things he was concerned about. He had nothing prepared to eat and his mom came home after 9 pm most days. When he was with me I had him help me cook dinner. I monitored at my place so he knew what to do at his moms. As he brought things up I helped him at my place. A few months ago he found that water was leaking under the sink at his moms kitchen. He called his mom and got no answer. He tried several times and then called me. I explained how the pipes were run. He took a picture and sent it to me. I was able to explain how to shut the water off so the leak would stop. I told him to empty under the sink so the plumber wouldn't have to do it so it would take less time and money. He dried everything up and I told him he did a good job.
I picked him up the next day at school and he told me how his mom yelled at him for making a mess in the kitchen because he removed everything from under the sink. He said he tried to explain what happened and what he did but she was focused on the "mess". He was pretty annoyed at the way his mom acted. I listened and told him he did the right thing. He knew but couldn't figure out why "mom gets like that". I'm glad that her behavior didn't make sense to him.

[ForeverDad]

There is a way to handle long periods of time when the other parent or other responsible adult isn't available.  It is Right of First Refusal.  Although there are many forms and variations, such as the length of the trigger time, basically it defines how long the children are without the parent (or alone) before that parent is required to offer that time away to the other parent.

That may not work for you since the kids being at your house may not be any different than at your ex's house.  And you'd have to ensure any such ROFR made into an order can't be used against you.  PwBPD are experts at twisting seemingly common sense terms and solutions into pretzels.  But maybe some variation of that could help you in the future.

[Ulysses]

What it came down to, I think, is that he tried to bully me into doing things his way instead of looking at other options that might work for all of us. He repeatedly tries to manipulate me through guilt and shame and it triggers me big time. I put up boundaries, he tries to bulldoze them. So I end up digging my heals in. He tries to take away my choices and make me out to be a bad mother because I won't give into his demands. He had plenty of time to look at options but instead he waits until the last minute and tries to force me to do his bidding. It's like he expects everyone to drop what they're doing to cater to him. Heaven forbid if he gets inconvenienced at all. 

I agonized over this for days. Torn between giving in to watch the kids and letting him figure it out. I ended up letting him figure it out. As much as I wanted to scoop the kids up and keep them with me... .

Yes, I understand.  I have similar experiences with my exH.  He takes my choices away - that is exactly what it feels like.  BUT - I know I always have a choice with how I respond, (even though it feels pretty inadequate if that's my only choice).  I am thankful when it happens that I'm not married to him anymore, and the "only" way he can manage to do this is with my children.  It still is upsetting.  I am so sick of getting upset when he presents a new rock and hard place for me to squeeze between.  I don't react outwardly (unless with my therapist or alone, usually), but I know it isn't healthy for my heart or blood pressure.  Sometimes I'm surprised with how frustrated I feel about it - you'd think I'd be used to it by now and have tons of strategies to let it just roll off my back.  Actually I do but when they keep coming, eventually one doesn't roll off my back, it's more like it bounces around and hits my head. 

I had to stop running due to a car accident but have been able to start walking (fast) again.  That helps.  I hope with time I will more frequently be able to see the humor in his demands and nasty emails sooner than it takes me now. 

If I were you I would keep track of all the times he asks you to watch the children.  And if you can and want to, take him up on it.  It might serve you well to have the information if you decide to change your custody agreement.  Although, in my state, only overnights count, but when my children were younger I still helped him during the day by having them with me, because I wasn't working full-time and I was at least able to spend time with them. 

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you.  I found out this week from my oldest that he went home during his lunch breaks to make them lunch and he left work early to be with them. So they weren't home by themselves much despite what he lead me to believe. It's frustrating as hell.

I understand what you're saying. They count overnights here as well. I feel that if I give him an inch, he'll take a mile though.

[Ulysses]

I think I can relate to the frustrations!  I'm sorry you're experiencing that, especially as it relates to your children - it is so difficult!

A silver lining I see is that he took time off work to care for them.  I don't know the details of your situation, but I think that's great that he was able to do that.  (Please excuse me if I've missed an important point and am totally misinterpreting his actions!)

As far as leading you to believe that the children were home alone more than they were, do you think that was intentional on his part, perhaps in order to get you to act or feel a certain way (e.g. in order to foster worry on your end, or lead you to take the children)?  Or, do you think he just found out at the last minute that he could take time off work?  Or perhaps because you didn't offer to have your children with you, that he was able to figure out what to do eventually?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thanks! I'm glad he spent more time with them. I think that he ended up figuring it out. He doesn't seem to think things through and seems to expect someone else to figure it out for him. He seems to instinctively know which buttons of mine to push. I'm not sure there's much thought behind it.